Stupid Boy
by flawlesspeasant
Summary: Demi comes with a little bit of extra baggage. So much baggage that she's completely given up on herself. But what if she had somebody? Somebody that would never give up on her...
1. The Thing

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the general plot of the story. I do not own the characters in the story, I do not own their identities, and nothing I say or put into the story is a direct reflection omy the true identities of my characters. I do not claim anything I say or put into the story to be true. I do not claim to own anything but the plot and the idea of the story.

* * *

One of the scariest moments in life is the moment you know you need something, but you won't do it. When you realize that you're in too deep and you need to keep yourself from going under, but you refuse to help yourself, and for that very reason you continue to drown.

I'm not a snap or anything. I don't have a death wish, like it's presumed. I don't help myself, simply for the hell of it. I don't want to stop. It's thrilling, an all-time rollercoaster rush. As if the adrenaline itself is addicting.

And when you realize that you won't help yourself, because you don't _want_ to help yourself, that's scary.

Isn't it?

* * *

I've given up almost all hope for myself, honestly. Recently, it's gotten so bad that I categorize certain events into two columns inside my head. Events that happened before the Thing, and events after the Thing. It's gotten so bad that I hardly remember what exactly happened in the events leading up to the Thing. I somewhat realize how it's not noticeable. Or maybe it IS noticeable; I just can't notice because I'm just that involved. Whatever the reason is, I know that I'm totally out of it.

You have any idea what it's like to know that you're helpless? To put it simply, the feeling sucks. Flat out, it sucks. But it's better than living in the empty shell of what my life used to be, so I'll take it.

My motto has always been to take life by the horns and live it with no regrets, no matter what that actually means. Quite frankly I'm not sure about the last part. I mean, of course I regret the decisions that led me to this, but I'm not ready to give it up. I have regrets, sure. I can think of a couple in particular, actually. But there's no sense in dwelling on it. It's happened and what's done is done. What's done is in the past, and my past has already dictated my future. I'm going to have to live with that. Like I said, I'm a hopeless case.

My house in the morning is what everyone wishes their house could be like. It's not like you would think it is. The cliché type thing, I mean. It's not at all like that. We all like to sleep in, my stepdad especially. I greatly enjoy sleeping in, but I can never sleep past ten in the morning. I guess that's my internal body clock. This makes today no different. I wake up at 10:21 in the morning.

Everybody else is still asleep in my house, so it's quiet. I like it better when it's quiet, though these days silence really disturbs me.

Nevertheless, I walk down the creaky steps of my enormous house. My house is something I'm proud of. I bought it myself for my family. It was 1.2 million dollars, not including the furniture. I've put my family through hell, the least I could do is buy them a house. I appreciate how we never talk about though. It's quite obvious to them, or at least it has to be. It's always on some kind of gossip site, so I don't know how they can avoid it so casually. They obviously know, but we don't talk about it. I settle for that.

I open up the fridge and look around. Nothing looks appetizing for breakfast, but I have to eat some real food sometime. I'll starve to death if I don't, though that doesn't sound like a half bad idea to me. I don't really taste anything anymore, and I'm never hungry. But if I don't have a full stomach before I interact with the Thing, I get really bad.

I grab a box of Cheerios and a carton of milk. I pour enough cereal to graze the bottom of the bowl and spill a couple drops of milk in the bowl over the cereal. It's not much to eat, but it's enough to make me mellow when I interact with the Thing. I finish off the cereal in three spoonfuls and put my bowl in the sink.

I have to wait a few minutes before I can properly finish "eating." I have to wait to actually feel full. I check the time on the clock on the stove. It's 10:45. I'll go finish at 10:55. I'll give the food ten minutes to set in.

My dog, Bailey wanders into the kitchen. She sniffs her empty food bowl, and I hear her tongue hit the bottom in search of food. I reach down and scratch behind her ear lovingly before I grab the bag of dog food from the pantry and fill her bowl up with the foul-smelling crunchy stuff. I pour a little bit of water in her bowl, too.

Going to the living room is pointless whenever the door to the bathroom is here in the kitchen, so I sit down at one of the chairs in my kitchen.

For one, I'm screwed if my parents ever decide to look in my room. I'm sure they know about it, but if they ever found it in my room, I'm for sure dead. And for two, I'm not even 100% sure that they know; though they'd be pretty dumb to not know. But I don't put anything past my parents anymore, though. I could tell my mom a dumb lie like "I was at the grocery store for three hours" and come home looking a wreck. She'd believe it. My parents are actually oblivious, my dad a little more than my mom, though.

I check the time on the stove again. It's 10:56. I step down out of the chair and turn the handle to the door to the bathroom. I shut and lock the bathroom from the inside and begin. This next thing probably won't come as a shock to you.

At first, it was hard, but in time it got easier. Like, at first, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get used to the constant burning in the back of my throat or the horrible taste in my mouth. But it got really easy after a while. It's second-nature to me now.

I flip open the toilet seat and look into the clear waters. I lick my lips and suck in a really deep breath. It's easier to breathe whenever I take a breath first. I check my nails. They're cleanly bitten off, as they usually are. I use my index and middle fingers and open my mouth wide. I stick my two fingers knuckle-deep down my throat, my shoulders hunch up, and abracadabra. Up comes the milk and the tiny little cheerios. I spit hard into the toilet and wipe my mouth with the palm of my hand. My eyes are watering, but that's normal. They always do. My throat is burning, but that's usual. It always does. I turn on the water, scrub my hands clean and rinse my mouth out. Now that that's finished, I can interact with the Thing.

The thing and I have a very… love/hate relationship. The Thing is my very best friend. It makes me feel wholesome, sane and calm whenever I'm on edge. I love the Thing.

But I hate what it's done to me. It's made me weak and defenseless. I hate being weak and defenseless. But I need the Thing. I'd love to divorce it; to break away from it and never speak to it ever again. But I'm not that strong, and I am vulnerable. I hate myself for that.

I trudge up the stairs to my room and go over in the corner beside my computer. I usually keep the Thing waiting in a small cup next to my phone charger. I find my Thing in its hiding spot and grab it. It's gone. It's empty. That doesn't work for me. I have to leave before I get irritable.

Everyone in my house is unbelievably still asleep, which is perfect. I dash back down the steps and grab my car keys. I never leave out like this, but this is an emergency. I go out the front door and slide into my little black car, still wearing my pajamas and my teeth unbrushed. I've had better days.

I have to hurry, because I'm starting to sweat. Sweating is the first step. I step on the gas hard and ride the small overpass to Him.

I'm not sure if I love Him. I mean, sure, I have love FOR Him, but I don't know if I really love Him. He is a little to blame for this, but not much. It's mostly me to blame.

In a little under five minutes, I make it to his house. His house is the equivalent of a shack. It's small, run down and really shitty. He keeps a shit house to keep a low profile, though. If he were living alone in a big mansion like he can really afford, it would be expected. His family is rich, so I think he'd still be able to pass with a nice house. But he doesn't take chances.

I park in his little driveway and step out the car. I knock on the door twice and wait. I'm never supposed to knock more than twice. Anybody that knocks more than twice has potential to be the police.

He doesn't open the door for me. One of his friends does. His friend with greasy, long brown hair and an unshaved chin-strap.

It's Ryan. I know Ryan won't hurt me. Ryan has a crush on me. "Hey, Ryan. He home?"

"Right upstairs. What do you need?" Ryan's breath smells like beer, but I can tolerate it. It's not necessarily a bad smell.

"I'm out." I look down at the cement porch and blush. I'm not embarrassed or anything. Just a little flushed.

Ryan steps aside and lets me into the house. The smell always surprises me in here. I'll never get used to it. It smells like paint, cigarettes, liquor and marijuana. I turn a corner to the steps and Ryan slaps my ass.

Half of me wants to slap him across his face, but I'm in no position to cause a rift. I need something and He is the only way for me to get it. If I slap his friend, he'll probably put me out.

I walk into the tiny little bedroom up the stairs. It is dirty in here. I will never sleep here. I don't like dirty surroundings.

When I walk into the bedroom, I see Him. He is lying in his bed smoking a joint. It's early in the morning for me, but not for him. This "party" probably just started. Then again, the party never ends over here. It kind of hurts to see what I see.

He is my boyfriend, I think. We have sex sometimes. I kiss him like boyfriends and girlfriends kiss. He tells me he loves me, and I tell him I love him too. But he has others. He is my only.

So when I see him in his bed with the lighted joint in his hand and a skinny, pale faced, black haired girl mounted on his lap moving in the steadfast rocking manner, I'm hurt. I know he has others, but I've never caught him like this.

He grunts and it saddens me. I'm not going to cry, though. I just clear my throat in a loud "eh-hem."

"….Be right there babe… wh… what do you need?" He speaks to me through his own murmured pleasure and the girl's loud shrieks.

"…I'm out." I whisper a little low.

"Huh?" He's breathing hard.

"I said I'm out." I speak up.

"Look in my… my bathroom…. T…there's some i… in there… grab as much as you n…need. I'll cal… call you later." As he finishes talking to me, the girl screams out in loud climax. I roll my eyes and listen to Him.

I go into the bathroom and grab another sandwich bag full and head back down the steps. I'm not upset or anything. It's not like I didn't know what he does with other girls, it's just that I wish he wouldn't. I guess I love him, so I won't do anything to jeopardize that.

Just as I reach the door, Ryan stops me again. "That got you in the mood up there?" He asks me.

It's not that Ryan's ugly, he's just far from my type. Plus, he smokes cigarettes so that's completely unappealing. I guess I shouldn't talk about anybody's nasty habits, though.

"…See you later." I mumble to Ryan and go back out to my car. I'm already feeling irritable. I don't think I'd like Him if he didn't supply me with my Thing.

I step back into my car and back out of his driveway. I didn't bring my phone, otherwise I'd be surprised if my mom or dad didn't call me.

It only takes me five minutes to get home, but I can't wait.

While I'm driving, I reach into my sandwich baggie and pour some into my hand while I'm at a stoplight. I honestly disgust myself at how I lean my nose down into the powder and sniff hard, as if it's the last thing I'll ever smell.

The Thing kisses my nose with it's soft powdery state and penetrates through my nose, immediately rushing up into my brain. I feel so much better. I already feel calmer, which has me worried.

I continue breathing through my nose until all the powder is sucked up through my nostril.

It's sad how I'm not in the least ashamed of myself or anything.

It's sad how the only thing I'm thinking about right now is Him. I wish he loved me in the same way I think I love him.

Someday, I want to get married and have lots of little babies. I don't know if it's completely possible anymore, considering my relationship with the Thing, but it's a nice dream to have. I don't know if that'll ever be possible with Him, either.

I admit, he isn't exactly the pick of the liter. He is grungy, tattooed and a little bit of a sleaze. But when love finds you, you can't help that. He is a little too tattooed for my parents and all, which is why they don't like me with him. But who gives a damn? I'm seventeen, not a baby. They'd probably really hate him if they knew the shit he was really into.

Though I think I love him, I'd like to find real love someday.

But I'm a hopeless case.


	2. I Love You

"Where'd you head off to so early?" My mom asks me from the kitchen as soon as I step in the house. I don 't want to argue with her by telling her that it's not her business, so I conjure up a quick lie in my head.

"I ran to the gas station to get some iced tea." I kick off my shoes at the door and beeline for the steps. I don't like to be around my parents when I'm high. It's not noticeable when I am, physically. I look the same, with a slightly reddened nostril or two. My pupils aren't dilated and my eyes are puffy or anything. But I do get a little irritable around them.

"You still have to tell us when you leave this house, Demi. You can't just come and go as you please. And you didn't answer your phone." My mom doesn't let it go easy, like I hoped.

"I left my phone here, Mother. I'm sorry. I'll tell you next time." My mom doesn't like to argue, so I know she won't say anything back to me with that.

I continue on upstairs to my room and shut the door. I put my refilled bag of the Thing back into its hiding spot and curl up onto my bed. I can finally think.

You'll probably think I'm crazy for saying this, but whatever. I think much better whenever I'm high. Or so I think I do. I sit in my quiet room and sift through my thoughts.

First of all, how do I approach Him? Do I let it go? Or do let him know that I'm upset by seeing him with another girl? He probably didn't realize that he was doing anything wrong. Scratch that, though. It's bullshit. I don't know if he's my boyfriend or not, but what else am I supposed to think? He buys me things, I buy him things. We have sex sometimes. We kiss goodnight, goodbye and sometimes good morning. He tells me he loves me, and I say the same to him. He's my boyfriend, right? Well if he's my boyfriend, then why is he allowed to have sex with other girls? I don't have sex with anyone else.

I reach onto my dresser and grab my cell phone. I slide my thumb across the unlock button and punch in my passcode. I go into my recent calls and tap his name. I don't know why I have a heart next to it. I guess I love him.

I put the phone to my ear and listen to it ring. If he picks up, I hope he picks up right. Right, meaning I hope he's still not having sex. He answers on the fifth ring, right before I tap the "end" button.

"Good morning, babe." He sounds like he's smiling. Maybe he is.

"Hey…"

"Sorry about this morning. I had some… business to take care of. What's up?"

"Nothing…"

"You sound upset. What's the matter, gorgeous?" His voice makes me sick sometimes. Right now is one of those times. Everything he says to me sounds loving, but the tone of his voice is snide, as if he's mocking me.

"Nothing I just… walked in… on that."

"Don't be mad. It was only business. She didn't have money to pay me."

"….Oh." So he just had sex with her because she wanted drugs, and couldn't pay? Well excuse the hell out of me, but that still doesn't make it right.

"So are you gonna come back over?"

"No. I have stuff to do today…"

"Like what?" He sounds pissed off all of a sudden.

"I have a radio interview to do…"

"What time is that?"

"Five…"

"It's not even one yet, Demi. Come back over." He's not asking me, he's demanding me.

"No. I have to go get ready and stuff and I have a TV interview to do to… I can't."

"You're lying, aren't you? You just don't want to see me…"

"Why would I lie? Why do you want me over there so bad?" I really can't stand being called a liar, especially when I'm telling the truth. THAT is annoying. But I'm able to keep my cool because I'm high.

"I need you, babe… just come over."

"Need me for what?"

"I'm horny…"

I'm a little irritated, but not as bad as I can be. It's still enough to piss me off though. "Fuck you. I'm not coming over. I'm busy." I tap the "end" button on my phone and put it back onto my dresser. I grab my fluffy purple pillow, situate it on my face and start to cry.

How can I love someone that doesn't love me back? Does he love me or is it just pretend? I'm crazy about him, I think; but he still doesn't feel the same way.

I'm starting to get a bad headache, which means my high is wearing off. I hate coming down. Coming down is a bitch and a half sometimes, because I start to feel everything I get high to not feel. I won't take another line though. I would never dare do an interview high, and I have to start getting ready for it anyway.

At first, I never thought that the Thing was addictive to me. I thought that I only did it because I wanted to. At first, it wasn't so bad. I would toke up on weed at least once a week and I would be content with that. From weed I moved on to my Thing. When I first started my relationship with the Thing, I would only do it maybe three times a month, when I was only friends with Him. Me and Him started to "date" and that's when it picked up. Now, I can't go more than three hours without the Thing before I start to feel funny. And that's the god-honest truth.

I sit my tear-soiled pillow beside me on my bed and leave my room. I have to find out what time I have to be at my interview, and where it's at. I think the TV show is first.

I slowly go down the steps and approach my dad. "What time do I have to leave? And what's first?"

"You only have the radio thing today, Dems. Tomorrow morning is Fox & Friends with the boys." My dad checks my schedule on his phone just to be sure.

"Tomorrow morning?"

"Yeah, you have to be in New York City by 5:30 tomorrow morning. It goes on air at 7:00. I'll be taking the plane with you."

That's one downfall of the Thing. It makes me awful forgetful. I know that my dad had to have run this by me at least once. He never schedules things without asking me first, and I know that I would have remembered it, especially if I was doing it with the boys.

"What time are we leaving tomorrow?" I try to sound straight-laced, as if I already knew about leaving.

"The boys' jet can get us to the hotel in NYC in two hours. So I'll be waking you up at about two, maybe three." My dad sounds as if he's already planned everything out.

I just nod twice at him and turn back upstairs to my room.

I'm starting to feel bad about fighting with Him. I think I'll make up with him.

I grab my phone off my dresser again and unlock it. Wow, I have two missed calls from Him. Maybe he wanted to make up with me first. With a smirk on my face, I listen to the voicemail he left me.

"You know what, Demi. I'm sick of you treating me like shit. Stop being a big bitch and answer my phone calls." He is raging mad. I guess I was wrong. He doesn't want to make up.

Reluctantly, I call him back. He answers on the second ring this time.

"Why are you so bitchy?!" He yells at me right away. No "hi" or anything.

"I…." I start to make an excuse for myself, but he doesn't let me talk.

"No, just shut up. DON'T TALK. I don't even know why you act so stupid, Demi. You're such a bitch to me and I'm nothing but good to you. You claim you love me, but you always act so fucked up towards me. I don't know what your attitude is about, but I don't like it. You treat me like you're god's gift to me. Have you forgotten that the only reason I'm with you is because nobody else wants to be? Everybody knows that you're a whore. Remember that? Nobody wants you. You're NOTHING without me, so you better treat me better. I don't need you, Demi. YOU NEED ME. Go ahead and deny it and you're a filthy liar. Say it, Demi. You need me. Don't you?" He is livid with me, and rightfully so. I was such a bitch to him.

I take a soft breath, ashamed of myself for being so rude to him. "I need you, Trace. And I love you."

"That's what I thought. So start acting like it." He hangs up.

He's right. Everything he just said to me was 100% accurate. I do act really stupid and I am a bitch towards him. He is nothing but good to me, all the time. He does everything for me. He loves me. I tell him I love him but I act so bad to him. I don't know why I always have an attitude with him. He never deserves it. I do act like I'm god's gift to him and it's really the other way around. He's the only person that loves me. My own family doesn't love me like he does. Nobody else wants to be my boyfriend. Everybody else thinks that I'm a slut. I don't know if that's true. I've only had sex with two people, including him. Does that make me a slut? If he says I am, then I probably am. He knows much more than me. I am nothing without him. I need to treat him a little better. I need him. I need him so badly. He loves me. I don't want to lose that.

* * *

When I finish doing my radio interview, it's only 6:55 in the evening. I know I should probably go straight home, eat dinner, throw up dinner, do some Thing, pack my clothes for tomorrow and go to bed early. But I don't want to do that. I want to go see Him.

I've been feeling badly ever since our talk this morning.

All he wanted was for me to come over and spend time with him, and I couldn't even do that? I'm such a bitch. I really am. He's nothing but pure… good to me. He's nice to me.

When I leave the radio studio, I get on the highway and drive towards his house.

I have a bad headache and I'm freezing cold. I know I need some Thing in my system, but I can be okay without it until I get to his house.

What if he doesn't even want to talk to me? I blink once and tons of thick, soft, salty tears run down my cheeks.

I won't blame him if he doesn't want to talk to me. I wouldn't want to talk to me, either. Not after the way I treated him. He might tell me to go home. What if he breaks up with me? I can't even bear with that thought.

If he breaks up with me, then what? I'm alone again and nobody wants me, yet again. I'll never find love. I'll never find anyone else that loves me as much as he does. If he breaks up with me, then what do I do?

I pull into his driveway and sit in my car for a little bit. I pull down the mirror that's in my sun-shield and look at myself.

My chubby cheeks are red from me rubbing tears off them. My big, brown eyes are red and puffy from rubbing them. My nose is red from wiping it on my sleeve. My bouncy, brown, blonde and dark brown hair still falls in my curls that I put in it before my interview. I am so ugly. It's a wonder he even wants me. I wipe my face one last time and step out of my car.

It's all lit up in his house, and I can hear loud music playing on the inside. Was there a party tonight?

I knock twice on the door and wait.

Nobody answers.

I knock twice again.

Nobody answers, so I grab the door handle. It's open. I walk right in to look for him.

It's so smoky in here that I can hardly see. There are a TON of people here, girls and boys. The music is playing so loud that I can't even hear myself think. Most people are just sitting around, drinking out of red cups or smoking joints. I just want to find him.

"Trace?!" I holler around, but nobody can hear me over the loud music.

I cough a little and wave the smoke out of my way. I make my way to the steps and head up to Trace's room again. It's a little less smoky up here. I check the bathroom first, just in case he's in there.

I open the bathroom door, and the lights are out. Even though the lights are out, I can see a tall, blonde guy receiving oral sex from a brunette girl. They don't notice me. I apologize inside my head and shut the door again.

I stand in front of the door to his room. I twist the handle and walk inside. The lights are out in here too, but he has a little blue lava lamp gleaming in the corner, which makes it a little bit easy to see.

In one corner of the room, there is a thick girl on top of some guy. I know it's not Trace she's on top of. In another corner, there's another guy giving a girl oral. On his bed, there he is, on top of some blonde girl. They aren't talking. At least not in the way they should be. He's moving on top of her in the same way he moves on top of me. She is moaning and he is mumbling "fuck", "damn", "shit", and "oh god" to her. It's too loud in the house, otherwise he'd notice me standing there in the dark room. I feel tears sting my eyes.

I'm not high, otherwise I'd probably cause a scene. But right now, all I want to do is lie down in my own bed at home and cry my eyes out.

I back out of his room with tears streaking down my cheeks again. Even though I'm almost out of the room, I can't stop looking at him. The way he's holding her while he's making love to her makes me feel useless. He holds me like that. Or he used to.

I back completely out of the room and wipe my tears.

Somebody grabs my arm from behind me.


	3. Approve

I turn around fast to see who grabbed me.

"You don't need to be in there…" He says directly in my ear so that I can hear him. He tightens his grip on my arm. It's Ryan.

"…I just want to go home…" I say back to him through my unwavering tears that are still trickling down my cheeks.

"You sure you want to go home? You should stay a little…"

"Who's he in there with? Who is she?" I sniff and ask him.

"Some girl named Gabby. She's one of my friends. They hit it off pretty well, right?"

I look down at the ground and shrug.

"Why don't we go into the bedroom and talk, Demi? We'll be more comfortable in there." He suggests.

I shrug again.

He takes me back into Trace's bedroom and my eyes immediately go back to the pile of covers on his bed that continue to move in pleasure.

"Don't even look over there." Ryan holds my hand and sits me down on another mattress in a corner of Trace's room. We're near the bed where my boyfriend is cheating on me.

I sit down next to Ryan, still crying.

"Want some?" Ryan offers me a joint. It's marijuana. I shake my head and refuse it. I don't want any weed right now. I really just want to go home.

"What are you crying for, Demi?"

"I don't know…" I lie and sniff hard, avoiding looking at the bed.

"You're far too sexy to cry, Demi…" He leans over and kisses me on my neck.

I pull away from him.

Like I said, Ryan isn't ugly. He's just not my type. And I really don't want anything to do with him. I want to go home.

"Don't pull away…" He gives me another soft kiss on my neck. I pull away again.

"Demi, stop it." His tone isn't so friendly anymore. I want to go home NOW.

I get up from the mattress and he pulls me back down.

"Stay. Get up again and I'll break your fucking face."

I don't want to have sex with Ryan. I don't want to have sex with anybody right now. I just want to go home. I've been humiliated enough for one night, I think. I just want to go home now.

"…I just want to go home." I whisper to Ryan. He's busy trying to unzip my jacket. I don't have anything on underneath my jacket, so if he takes it off, I'll be in my bra.

"I'll let you go home in a half hour." He unzips my jacket a little and mounts himself on top of me. He kisses me on my mouth hard, and his breath tastes like smoke.

"No, Now." My voice sounds so… different. It's ravaged with tears and really shaky. I put my hand on Ryan's hands and push him away from me.

"Don't resist me, Demi." He cups my breasts in his hands and moves my bra upwards.

I don't know how to defend myself. I run through options in my head.

I can just lie here and let him have his way with me. I can allow myself to be raped, go on home and act like this never happened. Or I can fight him off my best. Trace is right next to us on his own bed, so maybe he'll help me. He loves me. He won't let Ryan rape me, right?

"Stoppit…" I whimper. Ryan forces my jacket off and throws it on the floor next to us. He's trying to get me to sit up so that he can take my bra off, but I refuse.

"Come on, Demi. You've been wanting me for a year now… and you know how bad I've wanted you." He kisses my neck again.

"I just wanna go home…" I beg. Maybe if he hears how desperate I am he'll let me leave. It's not likely, though and option one is looking pretty good right now.

"Just stop fighting it and I'll let you go home." He finally pulls my bra off me and my breasts spill out into his hands. "Oh, baby…" He sounds like he's finally satisfied. I cup my hands over my chest.

"Let me go home… Please just let me go home…" He kneads my breasts and ignores me.

I decide to at least try another option before I let him rape me.

"..T…Trace." I find my voice to say that, then I repeat myself louder. "Trace!"

I know he hears me. I see him glance over at me. He smiles at me and turns his attention back to the blonde girl, who's now on top of him. Why isn't he helping me? He loves me. He's not gonna let his friend rape me, right?

"Trace…" I try again. He ignores me yet again. Why won't he help me?

Ryan finds the button top my jeans and proceeds to put his mouth on my chest. I just want to go home. I should've never come here. I just want to go home.

He unbuttons my jeans and pulls them down a little. "Let me in, Demi…" His voice is slick.

"Please don't…"

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't…" He's still pulling my pants down.

I find a lie to use. "…I'm on my period…"

"I have a condom. A little blood won't hurt."

Something inside of me just… snaps all of a sudden.

"I said NO!" I scream at him. I draw my knee up fast and go straight for his junk. I knee him directly in his balls and he finally gets off me.

"You bitch!" He shouts at me as he's crouched in pain, holding his manhood.

I don't have much time. I grab my bra fast and my jacket too. I feel Ryan grab at my ankle as I flee, but he is too slow. Bare-chested and crying, I run down the steps. As soon as I make it to the landing of the steps, I pull on my jacket and zip it fast. I look at the steps. Ryan is at the top, still in agony screaming at me to "get my ass back here."

I flick him off and open the door. I run out to my car fast and still crying. I don't waste time before I rev up my engine and speed off towards my house.

I barely process what just happened before I notice that I'm sweating with a bad headache. I really need some Thing.

I make it home in a little while, but I sit inside my car and collect my thoughts before I get out the car and face my family.

I can't tell them what just happened, for many reasons.

One reason is that I know if I tell, my dad will go over there after Ryan, and he'll call the police over there. Trace has all kinds of drugs over there. If the police go in there, he'll go to jail for a really long time. Then, I'd lose the only person that ever loved me.

But the biggest reason that I can't tell my parents is because it's my fault. If I had never been such a bitch to Trace in the first place, I wouldn't have had to go over there to his house to see him. If I had been smarter, I wouldn't have even been in a situation to almost get raped. If I had been nicer to Trace, he wouldn't have had to punish me by letting Ryan rape me. It's all my own fault.

"I hate myself so much…" I whisper through my tears. It's true. I do hate myself.

I deserved that. I deserved to be raped. I treat the only person that loves me like absolute shit. I should've just let Ryan rape me. I should've… I deserved that.

I put my face in my hands for a little while and just breathe. I need to pull myself together.

I can't blame Trace for letting Ryan go with me. He needed to punish me for being a bitch towards him. It's my fault. It's MY fault.

I take a deep breath and wipe my face hard. I'm fine.

I get out of my car and go into the house. My whole family is in the living room watching TV and in Madison's case, doing homework.

"Hey Dems. How'd your interview go?" My mom springs up from the couch whenever I walk into the house.

"…Fine." I forgot all about my interview. I've been so sidetracked with everything else.

"That's good, baby. I want you to eat some dinner, take a bath and head to bed. You have an early morning. I already packed your bags for you." My mom comes over to me and plays with my curly hair.

"Okay… thanks." I clear my throat.

"Baby, were you crying?" My mom's voice goes from cheerful to concerned.

"Yeah, I was. I shut my finger in the car door. It hurt like hell." I lie to her.

I feel so bad about lying to my parents. I really want to tell them the truth about everything, but if I do, I know they'd turn their backs on me. Then I'd really have nobody that loved me. I can't have my parents turn their backs on me. I can't tell them.

"Be more careful, baby. Go on upstairs and take a bath." She kisses my chubby cheek and rubs my back.

Remember when I said earlier that my parents weren't COMPLETELY clueless? My mom knows. She doesn't know about the Thing, though. She knows that I get a little upset sometimes and put a blade to my palm. She knows that when I eat, I don't like to keep my food down. She knows all this. That's why my mom is so nice to me. She's helped me with that, though. She got me a therapist when she found out that I cut. My therapist really helped me stop cutting and throwing up so much. And it worked, it really did. I almost never (ALMOST never) feel the need to cut myself anymore. I sometimes still do whenever I feel too overwhelmed, but I don't do it anymore for the most part. I don't throw up as much as I used to, either. I used to throw up absolutely everything. Now, I don't throw up much anymore. I only throw up what I feel like, basically.

I go upstairs and take a long, hot shower. I have to focus on the task at hand, now. I'm about to go to New York for some promotion. I have to go there with the boys. I missed them. I haven't seen them in almost two years.

I wash away everything in my shower. I wash away my tears. I wash away Ryan. I wash away the Thing. I feel a little bit better.

I step out of my shower and towel-dry my hair first off. After my hair is dry, I go put on some pajamas. I'm a little hungry, so I should go eat.

Before I go eat, I grab my stash of the Thing and pour it into my hand again. I usually organize it into thin lines on my mirror, but I'm too lazy right now. I sniff it up through my nose and I feel so much better. My headache goes away almost instantaneously.

I wipe my nose really good and make sure it isn't bleeding. It bleeds sometimes.

When I'm alright, I go back downstairs and see what there is for dinner. There's a box of pizza on the stove. I'll take it.

I don't even grab a plate. I just grab a slice of pizza and walk into the living room with it. I take a bite.

"If I didn't have school, I'd come to New York with you, Demi." Maddie says to me. I plop down on the couch next to her.

I adore Maddie. She's my world. She's the only person I ever think about whenever I snort the Thing. She's the only person I ever want to be clean for. But I know that I will never be free of the Thing. I've already come to grips with the fact that the Thing is going to take my life. I wish I could get clean, especially for Maddie. But I can't.

"I'd love for you to come with us, Maddie." I kiss her on her cheek.

"New York sounds marvelous. Bring me something back." Dallas chimes in.

I love Dallas too. I think she knows. I mean, I think she knows that I get high. She gets high too. On weed, though. Nothing like the Thing. Dallas is super easy to talk to. But if I told her for sure about the thing, it'd break her heart. I can't tell her.

"I'll bring you guys both something back. Daddy, how long are we gonna be there?" I ask.

"One night. Two days."

"Okay."

"Demi, go on to bed now. You gotta get up early." My mom says again.

I agree. My high is getting worse, and I need to sleep anyway.

I say goodnight to everyone and trudge up the stairs.

I sleep okay for the night, except for my tiny little nightmare about Ryan.

* * *

One restful sleep and an hour of getting ready later, I'm getting on a jet plane to New York.

It's too early for me to be awake. I am so tired still.

My dad carries my luggage onto the plane, and I follow him, carrying nothing but my blanket and a pillow. I didn't bring the Thing with me. I'm gonna be bitchy for a couple days without it, but I'll probably get over it.

I'm not excited to see the boys. At least not right now. I'm too tired at the moment.

I climb onto the plane and sit in a seat near the back. The boys aren't on the plane yet. They'll probably be super tired too.

My dad sits in the seat in front of me and I curl up into a ball in my seat. I put my pillow against the window and cover myself with my blanket. I won't go to sleep yet.

In about ten minutes, the boys come. I admit, I'm excited to see them now.

First, Mr. Jonas walks onto the plane.

"Hello Eddie. Hello Demi. Good morning?" He greets us.

I make a noise and he gets the picture. My dad says hi though.

Kevin comes on the plane and sits two seats in front and across from me. Nick sits behind Kevin and Joe sits in the seat directly across from me.

I missed the three of them, actually. It's been a while since we've seen each other. We don't talk, though. It's too early for that. They do the same thing as me and settle in for a nap.

I start to drift off to sleep a little bit.

Just as I start to have a dream, a feel something hit across my cheek. I open my eyes up really fast. Everyone is still sleeping. Maybe I'm just having withdraw symptoms or something. I close my eyes again.

Something hits my cheek again and I wake up again. Okay, someone is really fucking with me.

I look up at my dad. He's messing around with his iPad. I look at Mr. Jonas. He's typing something. I look at Kevin. He is truly sleeping. I look at Nick. He's a suspect. I look at Joe. He seems like he's asleep.

I look down at my chest and find what was thrown at me. It was a piece of pretzel.

"…Really? Really, Nick?" I say. I'm not irritated. I'm in a playful mood too.

"I didn't do anything." He's got a wide grin on his face. I think he's lying.

"Oh, so now pretzels are falling from the sky?"

"Possibly." He smiles at me and chuckles.

As Nick distracts me, another piece of pretzel hits my other cheek.

"JOE!" I catch him and he springs up like he didn't do anything.

"It is too damn early!" I yell at him. My dad reprimands me for my language.

"Haven't seen you in a while, Dems. Just having fun with you." Joe throws another pretzel at me and Nick does too.

"Well I missed you guys too."

It's amazing how being with the boys takes away how I feel inside.

About an hour into the flight, none of us have gone to sleep except for Kevin. Me, Nick and Joe are catching up with each other.

I know you all have been waiting for this, so here it is.

Yes. Joe and I do have some… history together. But it's nothing, really. I don't feel anything for him anymore and he doesn't feel anything for me either. I know what "Jemi" is, and "Jemi" will not happen. Not right now, anyway.

Me and Joe are just really good friends. I mean, he admitted back while we were filming the second Camp Rock that he had romantic feelings for me, but they never amounted to anything. We don't live that far away from one another. I see him around town sometimes. We both live in Burbank, California. They live on the south side and I live in the eastern part of Burbank. We're a good twenty minutes away from each other.

I truly don't feel anything for Joe anymore. I love Trace. He doesn't have feelings for me anymore, either. He doesn't date anyone right now, but he has had many girlfriends. We're nothing more than friends, and that really doesn't bother me.

"So are you still with Miley's brother?" Nick is the first to pop the question.

I feel myself blush a little. "…Yeah. Aren't you with Selena?"

"Off and on. Not at the moment." He answers me as if he's not ashamed.

"Isn't he a little dirty?" Joe speaks up.

"…Who, Trace?"

"Yeah. I guess that's his name."

"He's not… dirty. But um… yeah."

"Love really is blind." He chuckles.

"Yeah. It really is. I mean, you dated Taylor Swift. The girl looks like a llama."

Nick cracks up. Joe cracks a smile but his face is serious.

"Better than that tattooed mess." He retaliates.

"….Touche." I sigh.

"You seriously look good though, Dems. What you been up to?" Nick asks, changing the subject.

"Oh… you know. Just… chillin. Hanging around, basically." I don't lie. That is all I've been doing.

"Oooh. Be back, guys. Selena's calling." Nick excuses himself and takes his phone call off to the side, leaving Joe and I alone.

"…So you're seriously dating Trace Cyrus?" Joe looks away from me.

"…Yeah. I think…"

"…Gross."

"Stop it. He's not gross."

"I'm sorry. But I just… I think anyone that does drugs is just gross. I could never date anyone that snorts coke, smokes cigarettes and shoots up heroin."

Ouch. …I'm nothing in Joe's eyes, either. He doesn't like people that do drugs. I'm gross to him.

"…You'd never date anyone that does drugs?" I ask him to clarify.

"NEVER. Drugs are just… gross. Weed is fine. But cocaine is just… wow."

"…Yeah. I see what you're saying."

I don't have feelings for Joe at all. He's just my really good friend. But it sucks to know what he really thinks. He thinks that people that do drugs are gross. But I'm different, right?

"What do you even see in him, Demi?" Joe sounds disgusted with me.

I haven't seen him in the longest, and he's already passing judgment on me? I don't want to talk about my relationship with him. It's not his fucking business.

"…I don't know. He's nice."

"…I don't like it, honestly. I liked you better with that Cody, kid."

"What's it fucking matter to you?" I'm beyond annoyed.

"It really doesn't. I just… it would really suck to see you strung out on drugs just because your boyfriend is. That's all."

"…Whatever." I get quiet.

Why do I suddenly care about what Joe thinks of me? I don't even like him. He doesn't like me. There are NO feelings there for him. I don't have ANY feelings for him. So why do I care if he thinks I'm gross? Why do I care if he approves of me and Trace? Why do I suddenly want to be sober for him? Why do I crave his approval so much if there are no feelings for him? There are NO feelings.

….or are there?


	4. HATE You

By the time I get done with the TV interview, it's 11:00 in the morning.

I have a bad headache and I'm sweating so much that I have already taken three showers. I really need some Thing.

When we leave out of the studio that Fox & Friends is filmed in, it's snowing. I forgot that it snows in other places. In California, we don't see any snow. It's easy to forget that it's mid-winter in California. But I guess snow is a regular occurrence in New York.

In a daze, I follow both my dad and Mr. Jonas out to a slick, black limousine. Snowflakes are melting in my hair and one even catches on my long eyelash. The snow is so pretty, but I don't like cold, wet things.

I rest my head on the window of the limo and breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. My headache isn't easing; it's only getting worse. Joe squeezes into the limo and sits next to me, Nick sits next to him, and Kevin sits in the other window seat. I close my eyes.

"You guys want to stop somewhere and get something to eat or eat at the hotel?" Mr. Jonas asks us. I don't say anything. My head is pounding so bad that I don't care if I ever eat again.

"Let's just go back to the hotel." Kevin mumbles and we turn a corner to go back to our hotel.

"Are you alright, Demi? What's wrong? You tired?" My dad leans across the aisle and asks me. He rubs my arm.

I just nod. I could probably tell him that it's only a headache, but he'd give me some pills to take. I can't take pills with this headache. Pills would make it worse. Only one thing can cure my headache right now, and I don't have it.

I feel someone tap on my other arm and I pop open one of my eyes. I look over, and it's Joe. His hand is outstretched and he's handing me two little dark red pills. Ibuprofen.

"…No. but thank you…" I don't even waste time wondering how he figured I might need that.

The limo stops in front of the hotel, and I climb out. I feel so nauseous.

I don't know if this is what withdraw is, but I'm assuming. I've been going for hours without the Thing, and I know my body needs it. My head is pounding so hard that my ears are ringing, I'm sweating bad, but I'm not even hot; I'm freezing cold, my arms feel like limp noodles and my stomach is tight and in knots. I don't know if I have to throw up, use the bathroom or both.

"Woah. Demi, you alright?" Nick asks me. His voice seems entirely too loud in my ears.

"Shhh!" I demand.

"Eddie. I think you're gonna have to carry her. She's sick." Nick tells my dad.

I hold onto the railing of the steps to the entrance of the hotel. I'm so dizzy. Nick holds one of my arms so I don't fall over, and Joe grabs my other arm.

I'm worried. Is it noticeable that I'm going through withdraw? Will my dad put the symptoms together? Or will he just think that I'm sick?

"Thanks, boys. I got her." My dad replaces Nick and Joe and picks me up. "You need to eat something and lie down."

I don't say anything. I'm afraid that if I talk, I'll throw up. I just rest my head against my dad's chest and hang on while he carries me up to our hotel room. Our hotel room is right across from the Jonas's hotel room. My dad opens the door to our room and sits me on the bed. I just lay on my pillow.

My dad moves around the room and puts a fan in front of me. He turns it on high.

"…Stop! I'm cold…."

"Demi, you're sweating like a pig."

"Turn it off!"

He listens to me and shuts the fan off. He lays a blanket across me and puts a bucket by my head.

"The weather change is just messing with your immune system, honey. You'll be alright." My dad rubs my back and it hurts. He's not touching me and rubbing me roughly, but he's still hurting me. Everything on my body hurts right now. Even my hair hurts.

"Get off…" I mumble and he stops touching me.

"I'm going down to the cafeteria to get food. I'm gonna bring you back some soup and ginger ale. Just rest." He leaves out the room and shuts the door behind him. It sounds like he slams the door.

My ears ring some more and I feel like spiders are biting all over me. God, I feel like shit. I just really, really, really need some Thing. Just a little bit of it is all I need. My dad just thinks that I've got a virus, but this is far worse than any sickness I've ever experienced in my life.

The room is quiet finally, and my ears stop ringing and ease to popping. I'm shivering so badly, but I am so wet from sweating. I'm starting to feel a little bit better, but I'd still rather die than endure this.

In my pocket, my phone starts buzzing wildly. I reach to grab it, but my fingers are numb. It's hard, but I weasel my phone from my pocket. I look at the caller ID, and it's blurry. My vision doubles, but I can still see that it's Trace. I weakly slide my finger and answer it.

"Where the hell have you been?" He starts with me right away. I'm not in the mood.

"…I went to… New York. I told you about that…"

"No you didn't, Demi!"

I hold my head. His yelling doesn't make this better.

"I did too tell you… you told me to go on ahead."

"Whatever, Demi. I'm not calling for you to be a smart ass. I'm calling to talk about last night."

"What about it?"

"You understand why I did what I did, right? You understand why I let Ryan go?"

"…I guess."

"I had to teach you a lesson. Because I love you. You'll treat me better now, won't you?"

"…Mhm…"

"Who are you in New York with?"

"My dad…"

"When you comin home?"

"…..Tomor…row."

"When you come home, come straight over here. Don't go home first. Come straight here."

"…Why?"

"So Ryan can finish. He had this good idea that we could both finish with you. Plus, you really pissed him off last night, so you have to say you're sorry somehow."

"N…No. I don't… want him."

"But you want coke, right? You don't want Ryan, but you want me to give you some coke, huh?"

I don't say anything back to him.

"Exactly. Come over here when you get home tomorrow, or I'm not supplying you anymore. You need me, Demi. remember?"

"…Yeah."

"Say it."

"I love you…."

"I know you do. See you tomorrow. And don't bother bringing a condom tomorrow. Ryan likes it bare."

"But i…"

He hangs up on me. This is just great. This is really great.

Despite my condition, I have enough energy to cry. Crying is good. Crying lulls me to sleep.

* * *

"Demi… Demi. Wake up. Wake up…" Someone is shaking me.

I open my eyes. It's my dad.

"..Hmmm?" I whine, still sleepy.

I don't feel so queasy and stuff, but my head is still hurting pretty bad.

"Wake up, honey. You've been asleep for four hours."

I have? It doesn't feel like it.

"I still need you to eat something. Do you feel better?"

I sit up in the bed and find that I'm stripped. I'm in nothing but my cami and some underwear. I rub my eyes and nod. I do feel a little bit better, but not much.

"Good. Your soup is in the microwave. Heat it up. Me and Paul are going to this conference for the record label, okay? I'll be back in a couple of hours. Paul told the boys to come sit in here with you so you're okay."

"..Mhm." I'm barely processing anything he's saying to me right now. I was asleep so hard.

"Call me if you need anything, okay honey? Demi, listen to me."

"I'm listening…." I yawn.

"Eat your soup. And take some of this Tylenol. You hear me?"

"Yes daddy…"

"The boys are going to come sit in here with you for a little while. Don't go back to sleep until I come home."

"Okay…" I rub my eyes some more and I'm waking up more and more each minute.

"Alright. I'll be back in a little while. I love you."

"You too…"

He leaves out the hotel room door and I'm alone again. My body is still aching pretty bad, but I don't feel as sick as I did before I fell asleep.

I get up from my bed. I grab a pair of my shorts and yank them on. I am a little bit hungry, so eating isn't a bad thing.

I go over to the microwave and heat up the soup my dad left in there for me. There's three knocks on the door to my room.

"Come in…."

Nick, Kevin and Joe all file into my room.

"You feeling better?" Nick asks first. He plops a seat down on the floor, in front of the TV.

"Yeah… I am." I stir the soup and dump some salt and pepper into it.

"What was wrong? Just a little virus?" Kevin sits beside Nick and asks me.

"Yeah, I think. I took a nap and I feel better."

"Don't we all feel better after naps?" Joe jokes around.

I sit back down on my bed and spoon some soup into my mouth. It's chicken noodle, and it tastes so good. I can't believe how hungry I actually am.

"You guys wanna watch a movie?" Nick's flicking through the pay-per-view channels.

"Which movie?" I ask him.

"….Let's watch lesbian lovers." Kevin laughs as he points at the TV screen.

"…I'll pass." I laugh too. "Why would you pay that much for a porno anyway? It's twelve dollars!"

"Instead of paying for it, we can watch porn on the internet for free." Nick shrugs.

I shake my head. I'm in a room full of three boys, all of which I claim as my own brothers. They're all gross.

"Trace might get a little mad if we watch porn with his precious Demi." Joe jabs at me. I can tell that he was joking, but part of me wonders if there was some seriousness hidden in there.

Why did he even have to bring him up? I was doing a good job of not thinking about him.

"Shut up before I get Taylor Swift to write a song about you." I comeback.

"OOOOOH!" Nick touches his knuckles to mine.

"She probably already did." Joe sits on the bed with me.

Nick puts on a comedy movie and Kevin turns all lights out, except for a little lamp.

"…How are you and Selena?" I ask Nick.

"…We're on." He smiles at me.

"For this week…" Kevin adds and I laugh at that.

"What about Danielle?" It's only fair if I ask him about her too.

"She's amazing, of course."

"You guys set a wedding date?"

"In December."

"That's sweet. I better be invited."

"Of course you are, Dems."

I finish my soup and put the bowl into the trashcan.

"Did you guys take naps too?" I ask them.

"Nope. We've been running since this morning." Nick says proudly.

"Are y'all tired?"

"Extremely."

I flop back down on my bed and watch the movie. It's The Hangover. I love this movie.

Nick lies down across the floor and watches the movie. Kevin lies down next to him. Joe is in a beanbag chair.

It's quiet in the room for a while. I'm sure the boys fell asleep.

I grab my phone and check it. Trace texted me. I slide my finger across the lock screen and open the text message.

Trace: Call me NOW

I sigh ad push the "dial" button. I wonder what I did this time.

"Hello?" I call into the phone when he answers it.

"You're such a fuckin bitch, Demi. You like pissing me off. YOU LIKE IT."

"….What?"

"YOU'RE A FILTHY ASS LIAR. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WERE IN NEW YORK WITH THEM FAGGOTS? HUH?!"

"Trace, I didn't think that'd matter to you!"

"YEAH? WELL IT DOES, DEMI. IT DOES. YOU SHOULD TELL ME WHEN YOU'RE WITH OTHER BOYS!"

"But you have sex with other girls all the time!" I gotta remember to keep my voice down, because the boys are still asleep.

"IT'S NOT THE SAME, DEMI! I SWEAR IT'S ABOUT TO BE OVER BETWEEN US! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

Ouch. "…You hate me?"

"I'm really starting to! You're such a little bitch, Demi. and I cannot fucking stand it. You're always going behind my back or some shit! You're not a good girlfriend to me."

"…Please don't do this…"

"You have one more fucking TIME, Demi. ONE MORE TIME. nobody wants you, Demi. you better shape the fuck up."

"…I'm sorry."

He hangs up on me. We've been fighting so much lately and I hate it. I really have to start being nicer to him. I don't want to lose him.

I quietly get out of my bed and go to turn the TV off.

Maybe I'll take a nap too.


	5. I Have You?

"I'm still watching. Don't turn the TV off…" One of the boys say just as I hit the button to turn the TV off. I pull my hand back from the power switch quickly.

"…You're still up?"

"Yes. And I'm watching the movie. You were awfully loud on your phone call, too." Joe sits up in the beanbag chair.

"…You heard that?" I'm a little embarrassed now, and my cheeks turn rosy pink.

"Yeah. It was kind of hard not to."

"I'm sorry…." I apologize to him and sit back down on the bed.

"Don't be sorry."

I pull covers over my legs and chill on the bed. He shifts his body so that he's facing me.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks me. His voice isn't teasing like it usually is. It's calm and very serious.

"…There's nothing to talk about."

"I think there's plenty to talk about."

"I think you're wrong. Butt out, Joe."

"I'm sorry."

I sigh and grab my pillow. I put my pillow over my face and just breathe into it. I'm starting to feel sick again. These withdraw symptoms are a pain in my ass.

"Look, Demi. I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm really sorry." I hear him get up from the beanbag and I feel him walk over to me and sit on the bed next to me.

"You didn't make me cry. I just don't feel good." I mumble into my pillow.

"Do you need to lie down?"

"No."

"Demi, stop talking into the pillow." He grabs the pillow from me and throws it to the side.

I am crying. I'm crying softly and the tears just won't stop streaking down my cheeks. I don't know why I'm crying. I think I'm crying for lots of reasons.

"…You lied to me, Demi. You are crying."

"What's it matter?" I sniff and wipe my face off.

"It matters a lot, Demi."

"…Why?"

"Because you're my best friend." He hands me a tissue.

"Well you're not mine."

"But I used to be…"

"Then we stopped filming. We haven't talked in months, Joe. Maybe longer."

"But I still remember being your friend. I loved being your friend. I told you everything."

I just roll my eyes and pick at my nail beds.

"Remember when Coco died? And I cried all day on set? And you were the only one that gave me a hug and told me it was gonna be okay?" He scoots closer to me and brings up one of our best memories.

"…Yeah." I crack a smile through my tears, but it fades away quickly.

"…So why are you crying? You comforted me once when I cried. Why won't you let me comfort you?"

"Because this is a little more serious than a dead dog, Joe."

"Demi, I get it. You don't want to talk to me, because we haven't talked in so long. But I'm the same Joe you used to talk to all the time."

I sniff and just shake my head. I wish he would just drop it. I don't want to talk about it anymore. That's the past. Joe used to be my best friend. He isn't anymore.

"…You're just not the same Demi." He sighs.

"…What makes you say that? I'm still me…"

"You're so much different now, Demi."

"Shut your mouth, Joe. you don't know shit about me."

"But I do, Demi! I keep up with your tweets and stuff! And that person on the phone was not you! I know you, Demi. I've known you since you were fourteen years old."

"Just shut up." I roll my eyes at him. He has no idea, despite what he thinks.

"…He's got his hooks in you so deep…" He shakes his head. His voice is full of pure disgust.

I look up at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

I just look away from him. Despite what Joe thinks, he doesn't know anything about me. He doesn't know anything about the person that I am today. I'm a horrible person, and that's the truth. I'm useless, and I will never be wanted.

"….I don't know what he did to you, Demi. …but I hate it." He's still talking to me with his tone full of anger.

"He didn't do anything. Stop blaming this on Trace! It's my fault!"

"DEMI WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?"

"QUIT YELLING AT ME!"

Nick and Kevin both stir in their sleep at our yelling, but they don't wake up.

"….Seriously, Demi. What did he do to you? We used to talk all the time after filming. You used to text me all the time and we used to talk on the phone for hours…. Then you get with him and you don't answer my texts or calls anymore… you're not… you anymore."

"I grew up, Joe. I'm not that little fifteen, sixteen year old anymore. I wanted something serious. And he loves me."

"So you act like you don't know me, Demi? I would've given you something serious. And you know I would've. I wanted to be with you too, Demi. I just needed time. I wanted something serious." Joe has tears in his eyes.

"I wasn't gonna wait forever! You told me you just wanted to be friends…"

"At first, Demi! you know I wanted to be with you. And you wouldn't have had to change for me…." I think I see one of his tears fall.

"I didn't change, Joe!"

"Yes you did! You're so much different now, Demi. You're so different… and I just want to know what's wrong with you…"

"…I can't tell you." I rub my head. I still have a headache. I could use some Thing.

"Why not? You used to tell me everything."

The words he said on the plane ring in my head. How he said that "anyone who does drugs is gross to him."

"Because you'd hate me if I told you."

"I could never hate you, Demi. I love you so much. I don't want to see you fail. You're like my sister. I love you like my sister."

"Yeah, until I tell you."

"….Demi, it's me. it's Joe. I won't judge you… I'm here to listen."

"I don't even know where to begin…" I wipe my brow with my hand. I'm so sweaty it's unbelievable.

"….Are you hot? You want me to turn on the fan?"

"No, I'm cold. Just… leave it alone. I'm seriously freezing."

"Demi, you're sweating buckets."

"JOE I'M COLD."

"okay, okay. You probably have the flu…"

"It's not the flu."

"How do you know? Do you have a PhD that I don't know about?"

"I need more than Tylenol to cure this illness, Joe."

"What do you mean?"

"…..I mean I KNOW what I need to stop feeling so sick. And over the counter medicine isn't it…"

Joe's face turns from curious to sullen. The expression on his face is an expression that I've only seen him with once before. And that expression was when he told me his mom cheated on his dad. That day, he was heartbroken. That day, he thought for sure they were going to divorce each other.

"…What do you need, Demi?" He asks me. There is hurt in his voice. Almost as if he doesn't actually want me to answer the question. I've already put him through enough, so I might as well just say it.

"…I need my Thing."

Joe is crying, but I think his tears come out of anger. "What… is your THING, Demi?"

"Cocaine?" I whisper it so low that it's hard for me to hear myself. I know that he heard me though, because when I finally say it, he blinks and tears flood his face.

"….What did he DO to you?! ….I hate… What did he DO?!" He is raging mad. He stands up from the bed and looks at me in disgust. I knew he'd hate me if I told him so.

"He didn't do anything!"

"BULLSHIT, DEMI. YOU DIDN'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!"

"He didn't do it, Joe… he loves me. he told me so…" I wipe my cheeks and sniff hard.

Joe just shakes his head at me. "…I hate him."

"You don't even know him!"

Me saying that really sets him off. He gets back on the bed with me and yells in my face. "What makes you think he loves you, Demi?! Huh?!"

"…I don't know…"

"Any… any MAN that will give you… a hard drug like that does not love you!"

"But I need him, Joe… and I love him."

"I'm about five seconds away from slapping you, Demi. Just don't talk."

"WHY?!"

"YOU NEED SOME SENSE! You don't need him, Demi. you don't need that!"

"Why do you even care?!"

"You're sitting here breaking out in cold sweat with a headache that you can barely walk with. He's KILLING you. Slowly."

"He didn't do it, Joe! I did it to myself!"

"You did NOT know what cocaine was until you met him, Demi. and I know that for a fact. You didn't start yourself with cocaine. He did it to you."

I stay quiet. I have nothing else to say.

"Does he treat you good, Demi? Cause I ALWAYS see him out with other girls. Does he tell you he loves you? Because I didn't hear it on the phone."

"But that's MY fault, Joe. I treat him like shit. I deserve that. You don't understand…"

"Understand what, Demi?!"

"….I love him. And… he loves me. nobody else loves me like he does. And if I lose him… then I have nobody… I have nobody…" I just let myself go. I don't hold back tears anymore. I just cry.

Joe reaches his hands up to his head and pulls on his hair. "YOU HAVE ME, DEMI! JESUS CHRIST!" he storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

See? I knew he'd hate me if I told him about my addiction. I knew he'd hate me. I knew it. He hates me now….

* * *

I can't sleep tonight. I'm crying too much. It's a wonder my dad hasn't noticed how hard I'm crying. He is in the other room, but I thought for sure that he'd be able to hear my sobs.

I can't stop thinking about how much Joe hates me. I can't stop thinking about the things he said to me. I had feelings for Joe at one point in time. but I just want somebody to love me… that's all I want. And I do need Trace. I need him, because he has my Thing. Where else would I get it?

Maybe Joe's right. Maybe Trace doesn't love me. But I love him. I love him a lot. And I'm not going to give Trace and my Thing up for Joe. I refuse.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I probably won't see Joe again for a really long time. What's it even matter anymore?

My phone buzzes. I sigh, slide my finger and answer it. It's Trace.

"…Hello?" I croak into the phone.

"What are you doing?" He asks. I can tell that he's high.

"…Going to bed."

"How are you doing with the stuff I gave you? You run out yet?"

"…No. I didn't bring it to New York with me…"

"And you're not getting sick? Don't go too long without that shit, Demi."

"…I feel really sick. I don't think I'm gonna make it over tomorrow… I feel…. Really sick, Trace." I start to cry to him over the phone.

"Quit your whining, Demi. it's just withdraw. It's not gonna kill you. Hold off til you get home and toke up. Then, come over. You better bring your ass over here tomorrow or I swear it's over."

"….I feel so sick though, Trace. I think I need to see a doctor…."

"I said quit fucking crying."

"…Sorry."

"You're still coming tomorrow?"

"…I don't know…"

"You better, Demi." He hangs up on me as usual.

My head hurts so bad that I'd rather cut it off than deal with it. My ears have a loud buzzing and popping sound in them. I'm achy. And I have newfound stomach cramps. I feel so sick. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this.

How do you deal with withdraw symptoms?

I shiver violently and wipe the cold sweat off my face. I feel so sick that I want to just die.

I sniff and grab my pillow. I put my pillow over my face and just cry into it. "I don't want this anymore…"

I can't stop crying. I'm shaking so hard and I feel like I'm going to throw up. A sharp pain sears through the pits of my stomach. I'm so cold that my tears burn my cheeks. I think this is what dying feels like.

"I don't want this anymore…. I don't want this anymore…" I sob into my pillow. This is gonna kill me. The Thing is going to take my life, one way or another.

I don't want the Thing anymore. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to be clean. I want to be sober. I want my life back. I don't want this anymore. But I need it. It's killing me, but I need it. I'm going to die with or without it.

I hold my stomach. These stomach cramps are really hurting me. I'm freezing cold. Somebody please help me.

I want my mom. I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay.

It's scary, because I know that she won't be able to help me either. Nobody can help me, except Trace. My life isn't my life anymore. My life belongs to the little white monster. The Thing.

I need help. I need some Thing. I need Trace. I need love.

I want to have babies. I want to get married. I don't want to live my life as an addict. I want my life back.

But I'm a slave now. I'm a slave to the Thing.

I'm a slave to cocaine.


	6. Someone Will

Early the next morning, it's time to go home. I feel so incredibly sick still. I think I need to see a doctor, but I know that I can't. If I see a doctor, won't they send me to rehab?

"Get up, Demi." My dad's tone isn't nice this morning. It's not nice, because I always take forever to get up out of bed in the mornings. He doesn't realize that I really can't get up today.

"…Okay." I whisper. I prop myself up on my elbows. When I sit up, the room just starts spinning. My headache is ten times worse than it was yesterday, and I didn't think that was even possible.

"Now, Demi. It's 10:00. We have to get on the plane in an hour and a half. Get up, right now." He throws a shirt to me and a pair of pants.

"I'm getting up, daddy…" I close my eyes try to calm myself down. My stomach is still in knots. I suck it up and swing my legs over the side of my bed and stand up. I'm not on my feet for any longer than three seconds before I collapse back on the bed.

"Get UP, Demi. NOW!"

I hold my ears. His yelling makes them ring. "Stop yelling…"

"Then get up! You're not that tired!"

"….I still feel sick… I feel really sick…."

"You still have to get up, Demi. When we get back to California, I'll take you to the doctor's. But you have to get up right now."

"I can't…."

"Get dressed so we can leave, Demi."

"I can't…. can I just wear my pajamas?"

He comes over to me and lifts me up. "What is the matter with you? I think you've got the flu."

I shrug and lay on his chest. I realize that I'm shaking.

He secures me in his arms and grabs my blanket. He piles both my blanket and my pillow on top of me and we head out the door. I realize that he's struggling to carry both me and our luggage, but I can't get down. I cannot walk, period.

We run into the boys and their dad on the elevator.

"Still not feeling well, Demi?" Mr. Jonas eyes me as I'm lying in my dad's arms.

I shake my head softly. My dad struggles, but he gets a better hold on the luggage. The elevator descends and it makes my stomach churn. When the elevator doors open, my dad struggles again to hold me and the luggage.

"…I'll take her, Eddie." One of the boys says. My hearing is all fuzzy so I don't know who it is, and I refuse to open my eyes.

My dad passes me to my new carrier and I hear him get better holds on our bags. The steady rocking of my body lets me know that we're walking again.

I snuggle my head onto his chest and relax. I'm still shaking.

"Still got that headache?"

I pop open one of my eyes and look up. Joe's carrying me.

"…Mhm." I nod against his chest and continue to shake. I really don't feel like arguing with him today.

He carries me outside and the cold conditions make my teeth chatter. He opens the door to the limousine and he puts me inside first. After I'm inside the limo, he climbs in next to me. Instinctively, I lay on his chest again. He puts his arm around me and lets me rest on him until we get to the plane.

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

She lies against my body and shakes. I'm not cold, but she is freezing. Even though she's freezing, she is sweating as if she's directly in the sun. I don't know what else to do but let her rest.

I'm aware that you can die from drug withdrawal. I think that Demi's dying. What bothers me the most is that I don't know what to do to stop it.

Do you have any idea what it's like to watch someone you love rot away? I love Demi. I figured that out just last night. I can't make her love me. I just don't see how she could possibly want to be with him. He's not good for her. She wouldn't have to change for me. She wouldn't have to be so afraid of me. I can't make her do anything, though. If she doesn't realize that she would be so much better off with me, I can't make her realize it. I just have to sit here and watch her while she dies. I have to watch while he kills her.

I look down at her. Her beautiful brown eyes are closed as she rests. Her adorable, chubby cheeks are stained with tears. I have never seen anyone with fuller or pinker lips. Her lips are so kissable. Her hair rests on my arms in silky shades of brown and blonde. Her body is so fragile that I don't want to move. She is beautiful. She is everything to me. She has been everything to me for a long time. It's just taken me so long to realize it.

The way Demi sees herself and the way I see her are two completely different views.

I reach down with my thumb and stroke the most amazing attribute she has; the brown beauty mark that rests near her bottom lip.

"Mhhh…" She whines when I touch her.

"Shh… just rest." I rub her back.

I don't understand. He can treat her like absolute shit, but she still wants to be with him. I would treat her so differently. I would treat her like the angel she is. She would be first in my life. Nobody else would come before her.

The limo slows to a stop. I look out the window. The jet plane that we arrived on is on the runway. The snow has really started to pick up.

"…Come on, Demi." I whisper to her. She doesn't move. I turn my own body and move her from off my chest.

I open up the door and step out first. I lean back in and grab her. She rests in my arms again. I follow Kevin onto the plane.

"I wanna lie down…" She whimpers to me. Her voice is so strained that I don't want her to talk at all.

"Okay… just hold on."

I carry her to the seat in the back and I put her down in a chair. I know she isn't comfortable, but she will be in a minute.

I put the arm of the chair up so that she doesn't have to lay on it and I grab her pillow and blanket. I sit myself in the window seat and grab her arms. I pull her over to me so that she's laying on me the same way she was laying on me in the limo. I spread her blanket across her and she curls herself up into a ball on the seat. I'm so glad that I have two more hours with her. I like when she lies on me.

She's still shivering and her teeth are chattering. I reach up and open the vent. The heat blasts through it onto the both of us. I'm hot, but I don't care. I'd set myself on fire if it meant that she'd be warm.

Nick sits in the seat in front of us and lays his head against the window. He looks back at me.

"…She has a boyfriend, Joe. Remember that…" He says to me, low so that Demi can't hear.

"I know…" I look down and push her hair away from her beautiful face.

Nick knows how I feel about Demi. It's stronger than the way he feels about Selena. Maybe a little stronger than the way Kevin feels about Danielle.

Suddenly, the seat starts to vibrate. It's not my phone. My phone is never on silent.

Slowly and weakly, Demi grabs her phone from her pocket and answers it. I don't want to eavesdrop, but I do anyway.

"Hello?" Demi's weak little voice calls out into the phone.

I'm a little pissed that I can't hear what's on the other end.

"…I'm on my way home." She says again.

"….I guess I'll still come over. M…my dad wants me to see a doctor, though."

I still can't hear anything else over the other end of the phone, but I do hear him say the world "bitch." I feel my mood shifting from calm and tranquil to pissed off and angry. He calls her so many fucking names. I'd like to bash his fucking skull in.

"…I just want to rest for today. Can I come over tomorrow?"

"…I'm sorry."

After she says "sorry", she puts the phone back into her pocket.

I have to try to get her to understand. She has to understand that he's not right for her.

"Don't go if you don't want to…" I whisper to her.

"You don't understand, Joe…"

"I want to understand, Demi. Make me understand."

"I made him mad, so I have to go."

"You're sick though. He should understand that."

"I'll be better when I get home… I just need some… just a little bit."

"Please don't take any, Demi. please don't…"

"I have to… I feel so sick without it."

"It'll get better though, Demi. you don't need that drug… you don't need it…"

"I don't wanna feel sick anymore… I need it…"

"Listen to me, Demi. You don't need that drug."

"What else am I gonna do without it, Joe? I want to be with him… he loves me. but I can't be with him without it…"

"Why are you so freaking hooked on him, Demi?"

"I just want somebody to love me…" She starts to cry and it breaks my heart. I want to hit her. I want to knock some sense into her and make her finally realize that she doesn't need him. But I guess I don't blame her. She's been with him for a little over a year now. He's been putting her down for a year. I guess you eventually start to believe the things someone tells you if you've been told that for so long.

"He doesn't love you, Demi…"

"Yes he does, Joe."

"Demi, if he's constantly calling you names, putting you down… he doesn't even tell you he loves you, Demi. He doesn't love you… he has so many other girls…listen to me."

"I'm listening to you, Joe… but I can't live without him. I want someone to love me."

"Demi. look deep down inside of your heart. Do you really love him? Or do you feel like you need him for the drugs?"

"….I don't know…"

"Please think about this, Demi. I don't want you to live this way anymore."

"I'll think about it, Joe. I will. But… who else will love me?"

"…Me, Demi. I will love you."

* * *

**Demi's Point Of View.**

I just think about what Joe said. He makes it sound so easy. I can't just leave Trace. Though it sounds good to leave Trace, I can't part from him that easy. I'm almost sure that I love him. But if I end it with him, where else will I get my Thing?

...

I'm already back home now. Joe made me promise to text him later. I promised him that I would.

If I'm being honest, I don't think I'm well enough to drive. But I told Trace that I'd come over. He'd kill me if I bailed on him. I lied to my dad and told him I was running to get myself some medicine. He said he'd tell my mom and to hurry back.

I end up driving my car to Trace's house. The first thing I need when I get there is some Thing. I feel so nauseous and just really horrible. I need some ASAP.

I reach Trace's house in a little under five minutes. I'm not sure if it's the withdrawal that's making my stomach hurt or if I'm just nervous. Either way it goes, I have to throw up real bad as I approach his door.

I knock twice and wait for him to answer. He answers his door.

"Took you long enough to get here." He snaps at me.

I hold my head and rub my temple. "….I'm here, though."

"Come in." He steps aside and I walk through the front door. It's quiet in here, but the smell of drugs is loud.

"…What am I here for?" I ask him nervously.

"Me and Ryan want to finish where he left off a couple nights ago." He smiles at me as if he said something happy.

"….I don't want to. I don't feel good. Tomorrow?"

"You're already over here, Demi."

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. It must be Ryan. I look over at the staircase and it is him.

Trace leads me to the couch and makes me sit down. "Don't you have something to say to Ryan?"

"…No."

"I think you do… I think you should tell him sorry."

"I'm sorry." I feel throw up rising in my throat. I need to make it to a bathroom or get a fix of Thing.

"I think you should make it up to him… don't you think you should?"

"….Can I have some? I really need some…. I feel sick." I change the subject. My head is still throbbing.

"Yeah, sure. I'll let you get a fix. But after we get ours."

"Please don't make me. Not today…. tomorrow. I promise." I just want to go home and lie down. My head is hurting so damn bad.

"That's not very fair. You want me to give you some of my stash, but you won't give me and Ryan anything in return?"

"I'm not in the mood to have sex…"

"I'm not in the mood to give you any coke."

"Then let me go home." I get up off the couch and take one step towards the door before he forcefully pushes me back down on the couch.

"Get your ass up again and I'll kill you, Demi. It'll be easy. Since nobody wants you."

I sit down and stay still. "…If I do…. Can I have some?"

"Depends on how well you do." Ryan snickers and his voice sends a shiver up my spine.

You ever have that feeling where you know something bad is about to happen to you? Well, you don't really know. But you can feel it. It's like a premonition. You get that sudden feeling of danger and you know that nothing good is going to come of this? I have that feeling. I feel like if I don't get out of here, something far worse than rape is going to happen to me.

I lose focus once. I lose focus for no more than ten seconds, and Trace is already stripping me. I grab my shirt and try to keep it on my body. Ryan holds my hands up so that Trace can completely take my shirt off. I'm not screaming. I can't fight it. It's two against one. I'm just crying.

"What are you crying for? We're not gonna hurt you…" Ryan tries to talk me down. I wish I could cover my bare breasts right now, but I can't. Ryan has my hands locked in his own hands, above my head.

Trace is working on getting my jeans off. I lock my legs so that he can't.

"I want to go home…." I cry. My ears are still ringing. In that instant, I just… freeze. I don't know what else to do. My legs lock up, my arms lock up and I lose my thoughts.

"Stop, Demi." Trace says as he aggressively forces my legs apart. I lock them tighter.

Suddenly, something goes across my face. It takes a while for me to process that. When I can feel it, I feel instant pain. I taste blood in my mouth. I flinch and he strikes me across my face again. I don't know what else to do. I get that feeling again, though. If I don't get out of here, they're going to kill me.

"Let me go…" I mumble. I kick Ryan between his legs one more time. He is furious, but in too much agony to strike me. Trace hits me across my face again. I hardly know what's going on.

I feel him go inside of me, down below. I'm naked? Since when? I didn't even realize he had my clothes off. I shut my legs which makes it difficult for him, but he maneuvers through it. He starts to move while he's inside of me. It hurts.

He hurts me once, and I scream.

He hurts me twice, I just cry.

He hurts me again, and I blink hard. Next to me, I see something silver flash. A needle.

He hurts me some more, and I reach for the needle.

A million thoughts are running through my head right now. I love him. Why is he doing this to me? He loves me too. Why won't he stop? How much is he going to hurt me? I want him off. I love him… so why do I hate him right now? Why do I wish he would die right now? Why don't I love him right now?

I grab the long needle. I know it's used for heroin. I don't care though.

I put the needle firmly in my hands and jam it into his back. He cries out in pain and he finally stops hurting me. He's in too much pain to come after me right now. I feel him leave from his unwanted entrance into my body and he crumples on the floor.

What did I do? Oh my god…. I just hurt him.

I stare at him for a moment, then kick myself into gear. I have to run before he or Ryan pull themselves together.

I stand up fast and wiggle my jeans up on my waist. I can't find my bra, so I just ignore it and yank a jacket on. Trace is crumpled on the floor, crying. Ryan is still holding his balls. What did I just do?

Like an idiot, I run upstairs to his bathroom. There is tons and tons and tons of Thing. I grab two freezer baggies of it and run back down the stairs. What am I doing?

Trace isn't on the floor anymore, and neither is Ryan. I'm scared. Where Trace was laying, there is a stain of blood. Did I stab him that bad? I don't know where they are. …and I don't care.

I grab the handle to the front door and yank it open. I think I'm free.

I get into my car and step on the gas. I put the two bags of Thing that I stole from him on the seat next to me. It's enough Thing to last me a while. A few months, at best.

I can never go back to Trace's house. He'd kill me if I did. I can never go back. I can NEVER go back.

Who's gonna love me now? I sniff hard and try not to cry as I drive back to my house. Who's going to love me now?

My cell phone next to me buzzes and I'm scared to answer it.

I left Trace. Now I'm alone. Who's going to love me now?

I look at the caller ID on my phone and breathe a sigh of relief.

Someone's gonna love me….

Someone.


	7. Forget

I slide my finger across the screen of my phone to answer it.

"Hello?" I try to sound cheerful, but it's really hard.

"Hey Demi. You make it home alright?" Joe's voice is so silky smooth that it makes me just want to talk to him for the sake of hearing it.

"Yeah. I'm on my way home right now. Had to go do a couple things…"

His voice turns skeptical. "You feel any better?"

"No. I still feel pretty rotten."

"…Did you get any?"

I stop at an intersection and look both ways before proceeding. "Some what?"

"….You know."

"Oh. Yeah. I got some…" I clear my throat.

"Did he yell at you or anything?"

"It's kind of a long story, Joe; especially over telephone."

"….Do you want to come over later?"

"To your house?" I can't hide the surprise in his voice.

"No, Demi. To my shack. Of course to my house. My mom would probably enjoy seeing you again."

"Um… sure. That sounds… nice." I pull into the driveway of my house.

"See you later?"

"See ya…" I hang up on him, grab my two bags of Thing and head into my house. Before I say hi to anybody, I run upstairs to stash my Thing away. I go back down the stairs.

"Hi honey. I missed you." My mom says as soon as she sees me. I walk over and sit beside her.

"I missed you too…"

"Daddy told me you got really sick. You feeling better?" She plays with the lengths of my hair.

"Not really. I kinda wanna go take medicine and a shower and lie down and stuff." I get up off the couch.

"Demi, wait. Wait… I want to talk to you."

"About what, mom?" I sit back down on the couch.

My mom strokes my hair lovingly and speaks to me in a soft voice. "…What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"…Your lip, baby. It's all busted… and it's kind of bruised." She touches it softly with her thumb.

I forgot all about Trace punching me in my face. Oh crap. "…I just bit it. You know?" I cover it up with my hand.

"…You told me and daddy that you stopped with him, Demi. Please don't be lying."

"I'm not lying, mom…"

"…Did he hit you in your face?"

I get so sick of lying sometimes. "Yeah… but it's no big deal. He hit me because I broke up with him for good. It's fine, mom."

"You told me that the last time, honey. I just…. I want you to be okay. You won't let me press charges…"

"Mom, I'm okay. It's over between me and Trace. I'm not lying to you. I swear. Now… I'm gonna go shower."

"…Alright, Demetria. I love you, honey."

"You too, Mom." I get up from the couch and head upstairs.

I've been lying to my mom for a year and a half about Trace and me. The first time Trace ever hit me, my dad wanted to go over to his house and teach him a lesson. I talked him out of it, though. I swore to them that I broke up with him that time. It didn't take them long to figure out that I didn't really break it off with him.

This time is different, though. It feels good to finally tell my mom the truth. I really believe that Trace and I are over. I can't ever go back to him, so it's best if we actually are over. It's weird, because I don't care that we're over. Maybe I didn't really love him after all.

I take off my jacket and realize that I'm braless. My bra is still over Trace's. I can buy a new bra to replace it. I peel off my jeans and kick them to the side. I take down my underwear too. Something about my underwear catches my eye. There are two little marks of dried blood on the straight of them. It's not enough to be my period. He must've really been rough with me.

I shrug it off and throw all my dirty clothes into my hamper. I walk to my bathroom and start the water. Just to be safe, I grab one of my small, hand-held mirrors and put it down there so that I can see. It's not my period, just like I said. Everything looks normal down there, but it's a little red and irritated. I sigh, put the mirror back and step into the shower.

The warm water feels really good against my skin. I still have a headache and my stomach is still a little upset, but I feel pretty okay. I'll feel better when I toke up.

I wash my hair first. It was getting all dirty and greasy. After my hair, I wash my body. I'm gentle with myself. I wash between my legs softly, but I find that I'm really sore. I make a mental note to call my doctor tomorrow to schedule an appointment. I just want to make sure that Trace didn't give me anything. Like an incurable disease or something.

I finish bathing myself in a couple minutes, but I don't get out. I sit in there and think about what happened.

I really did think that Trace loved me. I really thought that we were going to be together, eventually. I thought maybe I'd marry him and have babies with him and we'd grow old together. I really believed that he'd find it in himself to give up all the drugs. I thought that I'd find it within myself to give up my Thing.

I shut my eyes and sit down on the floor of my shower. The water hits my head and lets me breathe. I think a little more. I think with a part of my brain that's never alive whenever I'm high.

Maybe Trace didn't love me. We were never going to be together. He has too many other girls. I knew that I'd never marry him and have little babies with him. He will never give up drugs. ….Maybe I could give up my thing….

I slam my head back against the wall of my shower.

Why did I ever even want to be with Trace? Why did I ever want to have kids with him? He's an addict. Not father-material. …I don't need him. There's no law that says I have to love him. No law that says I need him. No law that says any of this. …I can actually be something without him.

I can be something with anybody. I can be something with someone that loves me.

I can be something with Joe.

…But which do I love more?

Joe or my Thing?

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

I called Demi, and she never answered. Would it be too psycho-stalker if I called her again? Maybe she fell asleep or something.

I should get myself situated. She's still coming over. She wouldn't stand me up. Not my Demi.

I decide to go shower, because I haven't done that since yesterday. I wash myself and get out of the shower in ten minutes. I don't see how girls can spend so long in the shower. What all do you possibly have to do in there?

I throw on a pair of boxers, sweatpants and a t-shirt. I check my phone. Still no call from Demi.

I go downstairs and sit on the couch next to Nick and Kevin.

"What are you doing tonight?" I ask Nick.

"Probably going to the movies with Selena or something. I don't know. She wants to hang out." Nick is disguising a smile.

"What about you?" I turn to Kevin now.

"Dani's coming over in a little." He answers me and continues to watch TV.

"Why don't you invite Demi over?" Nick suggests.

"I already did." I chuckle.

"You've been hung up on her for the longest." Kevin rolls his eyes.

"I could say the same thing about you and Danielle."

"But at least she's my fiancée. You and Demi have been playing the 'best friend' card for forever."

"Demi's just… different. That's all."

"You totally love her, Joe." Nick puts his two cents in.

"Of course I do. I admit that I do. But she's just… different. I don't want to mess things up between us again. Yesterday was the first time I've talked to her in person in months."

"She dates someone already." Nick tries to damper my mood.

"I know that, Nick. But… I think I can get her to realize that he's no good for her. I just… she's too pretty for him, you know?"

Kevin speaks up. "Well good luck… is she coming over?"

"She said she would." I sigh.

My phone starts to ring loudly. Kevin glances over at the caller ID for me.

"It's Demi." He tosses my phone to me and I answer it fast.

"Hello?" I get up from the couch and go into the kitchen.

"Hey… I saw that you called me…" Her voice is so beautiful. I'd record it and play it a thousand times over if I could.

"Yeah. I wanted to know what time you wanted to come over… you remember where we live, right?"

"Yeah, I remember. Um… it's 4:50 now, right? ….why don't I come over at about… 5:30?"

"5:30 is good. We're just gonna hang out around the house. Nothing too bad, so your man doesn't have to worry."

She laughs into the receiver, and my heart melts at her beautiful, melodious laughter. "He's something I have to talk to you about when I get over there…"

"I can't wait." I'm smiling so big, it's a smile that only Demi could pull out of me.

"See you at 5:30." She says.

"I'll see you."

She hangs up on me. 5:30 can't come fast enough.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I don't dress nicely to go to Joe's or anything.

I put on a pair of black yoga pants and a purple Victoria's Secret sweatshirt. I slip on some flip flops and let my wavy hair fall down my back. I'm high, but not as high as I usually am. I didn't toke up that much.

I run down the steps fast. I don't have a headache and I don't feel sick, for the first time in two days.

"Where are you going, Demi?" My mom asks. She's putting a French braid in Madison's hair.

"I'm going over to the Jonas's house. Is that okay?" I ask her before I grab my car keys.

"…The Jonas's?" She's skeptical.

"Yeah. Joe asked me to come hang out. I told him I would."

"Okay honey. Be home by 12. Call me if you'll be any later."

"I will. See you later." I grab my keys and head out the front door.

I remember how to get to the Jonas house. It's only about twenty minutes away from my own house. I drive the highway and make the first left turn. I drive through the suburbs and up a winding road. At the end of the road is their property. It's 147 acres, I think. It's a huge property. I drive up the driveway and park. It's 5:33, so Joe should be expecting me.

I get out the car and go up to their front door. It's been a really long time since I've been here. I ring the doorbell like I used to and wait.

Mrs. Jonas answers the door. "Demi! It's so nice to see you again!" She pulls me in and gives me a really tight hug. Denise always has been nice to me. Nick told me once that she used to talk about me as if I were already her daughter in law.

"Hi, Miss Denise. It's been so long…" I give her a hug back, and she lets me in the house.

"I was wondering if I'd ever see you around here again. Here, honey. Let me take your shoes…"

I kick off my flip flops and she grabs them off the floor. She puts them into a square in a shoe-caddy. Mrs. Jonas keeps a very nice house.

"Joseph! Your guest is here!" She calls up the steps and comes back to me. "So what's been up, Demi? It's been so long since you've been over here. I thought we scared you away!"

I laugh softly. "Nothing, really. I've just been really busy and stuff."

"Well I hope this means you'll start coming around again."

"I might… me and Joe are talking again and stuff… so it's possible."

Joe comes into the room with us. "Are you talking her ear off, Mom?"

Denise laughs. "I'm just catching up with her. That's all."

Joe smiles too. "Well I hate to break up the party, but…"

"Oh no problem. Call me if you two get hungry or something." She fixes one of the waves in my hair and leaves.

"We can go sit in the living room, if you want. Or do you want to go to the theater?" Joe asks me.

"I don't really care. I just have to talk to you about some things." I shrug.

"We'll go down to the theater. Nobody will bother us down there."

I follow him down a flight of stairs, to an elevator. I forgot how big the Jonas house is. We get on the elevator and ride it down to the theater.

"So what all do you have to talk to me about?" He turns to me and asks.

I follow him off the elevator and into the big theater room. I sit next to him on a big couch that wraps around a TV screen that takes up the entire size of the wall.

"…I did it." I say to him. I'm nervous to talk to him about this.

"Did what?"

"…I broke up with him…"

I admit, it does feel good to be talking to Joe again. He was my absolute, very best friend. It's still easy to talk to him about anything.

"You did?!"

"Uh huh…" I crack a smile. I knew that'd make him happy.

"….How?"

"…I… it's a long story. But… I think we're done."

"I'm so proud of you… I'm SO proud of you."

I feel myself blush. "…And it doesn't hurt. Like… I feel… better. About myself… I'm a little sad, but not much."

He reaches over and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. "That's amazing, Demi. It really is. But… what about the other thing?"

"….the coke?"

"Yeah…. That."

"…I still have some." I can tell that he doesn't want to talk about it.

"…SO…." He switches tactics. "Tell me know you did it?"

"How I did what? break up with him?"

"Yeah…"

"It's really long, Joe."

"I have time to listen, bab…e. I have time to listen, babe."

It feels weird to have someone call me babe. But it's a good weird.

"…I have to start with three nights ago."

"Then start…."

"…I made him mad. So I went to go talk it out with him. And when I went over there… he was having this big party. I walked in on him with some other girl. But when I tried to leave, his friend stopped me. So I stayed there, and his friend tried something with me. and it was right in front of Trace. And Trace didn't even try to stop it. So I got away and stuff." I start explaining. It's surprisingly easy to explain this to Joe.

"So he wanted me to come over today and apologize to his friend by having a threesome with them…. I went over there. He did it… to me. and when he was…on top of me… I stabbed him in his back with a needle. So…. I think we're broken up."

I just look at Joe. The expression on his face is blank, with a little hint of pissed off. "He raped you?"

"Yeah… but I got away."

"…Well I'm glad you got away…" Joe leans over and kisses my cheek. This is a weird feeling to me.

"..Cutting him off was easy. Now I have to work on cutting out the… coke."

"You don't need that drug, Demi. You just want it."

"…Joe?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember when you said that you would've given me something serious?... why didn't you?"

"…I don't know…. I just wanted to wait."

"…How about now? Would you?"

"…I'd love to, Demi. but… I can't."

That stung a little bit. "Why can't you?"

"…I don't want to be with you if you're dependent on drugs… you have to stop…."

I think I might cry. But I understand what he's saying to me. I understand.

"It's not that easy to just stop, Joe…"

"I know, Demi. and I know that it's not your fault."

"It is my fault, Joe. I chose the drugs…"

"Demi, listen to me." He cups my face in his hands and looks at me deep in my eyes. "NONE of this is your fault. I know it's not… you've GOT to get this out of your head. It's not your fault."

"….But Joe, it is."

"…if it's your fault, then tell me how you got started with it. You're going to sit here and tell me that YOU discovered cocaine yourself? YOU introduced yourself to cocaine? YOU showed yourself how to smoke it or snort it or whatever you do with it?"

"…No."

"Who taught you how to do all that? WHO?"

"…Trace."

"It's HIS fault. Not yours."

"…I guess you're right."

"I know I'm right. It's not your fault. You didn't ask to be like this. And I can see it in your eyes that you don't want to be like this…"

"I don't… but I can't live with being sick like that…"

"So then… wean yourself off it."

"…How do I do that?"

"A little bit at a time, babe. A little bit at a time."

"….I can't do that."

"I'll help you. Lean on me, Demi. I love you. But…for you to get better… you have to listen to me."

"….I can't, Joe. I'll be so sick…"

"LISTEN TO ME, DEMI."

"I'm listening!"

"You don't need that drug. You THINK you need it. You NEED oxygen. You NEED a heart. You don't need cocaine to live. You can survive without it. I'm here for you. I'll go through it with you, baby. I'm here for you. I LOVE you."

"…I thought you said people who do drugs are gross."

"Forget what I said."

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

"…You won't give up on me?" She has tears in her beautiful brown eyes.

"I promise I won't." I scoot over to her so that I'm close to her and hold her on my chest. I rub her back and let her lay on me.

"I love you, Demi. I love you. I love everything about you. I've always loved you. I'm here for you. You don't need that drug. All you need is me. I'll be here for you."

"…You will?"

"I will. I'll be here to love you, protect you, hold you…. Be with you. I'm here. You've got me… That's all you need. Not Trace, just me." I rub her back and rock with her.

I can only imagine the fucked up things he used to say to her. I can only imagine how he used to treat her. I can only imagine the sick, twisted things he used to put in her head.

"…Nobody wants me, though…. Nobody wants me, Joe…"

"I do. I'm somebody. Just let me help you, beautiful. Let me help you." I kiss her forehead. She needs to know that I love her. I love her so much more than anybody has ever loved her.

"…You don't want to have sex with me?" She looks at me in my eyes. I know she's being serious about this, but I can't help but grin.

"Of course I want to have sex with you, Demi. But that's not all I want from you. I want you to let me be here for you. I want to be your biggest supporter. I want to… _make love _to you."

I've come close to having sex with Demi once. It was in her hotel room after we finished shooting the last scene in the second movie. We were watching a movie during "Joe and Demi Time." Joe and Demi Time was something our castmates made up. We had to have at least two hours out of a day to ourselves, with nobody else around. It was something I wanted with her; personal time just to get to be alone with her.

One night during our Joe and Demi Time, we were watching some romantic comedy together. We started making out, one thing led to another, and we almost had sex. The only reason we didn't was because I didn't have a condom on me. Needless to say, I've been thinking about that for a lot. I don't always find Demi sexually attractive. Like… I don't think about her in a sexual way all the time. But other times I just can't help it.

"Can I have a kiss? Or is that too much?" She asks me.

"Why would it be too much?"

"…I don't know if you'd want to kiss me…"

"Of course I'll kiss you." I lean down to her.

She parts her lips a little and I part mine too before we smash them together. She pushes against my lips and I push hers right back. We kiss deeply. I want to kiss her in a way that lets her know that I love her. I touch her cheek and stroke the back of her neck. She pulls away from me.

"…I love you, Joe."

"I love you too, Demi. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that when I first realized it."

"…Thanks for telling me now."

* * *

**Demi's Point Of View.**

Joe's kiss feels like something I've only dreamt of feeling.

It finally feels good. It feels good to tell someone "I love you" and know that they mean it back whenever they say it.

I realize that I've always loved Joe. I hate that I've been too blinded by Trace to notice that. I've loved Joe for years now. I buried the feelings I had for him deep inside myself whenever I met Trace, but Joe had the power to dig them back up. And he just did. All these feelings have resurfaced.

I don't know why it was so easy for me to break up with Trace. I thought I loved him. But if I had loved him like I thought, it wouldn't be so easy for me to just let him go.

I don't even miss him. Why don't I miss him?

Why is it so easy for me to forget about Trace? I think it's easy because I have Joe.

Joe could make me forget about everything.

Joe can make me forget about Trace.

Joe can make me forget about everything I went through with Trace.

….but I really wish Joe could make me forget.

Make me forget about this headache that's starting to build up in my head…


	8. Finally

I pop piece of popcorn in my mouth and chew. I'm a little hungry.

"So what happened? Why'd you stop answering my calls?" Joe puts a handful of popcorn in his own mouth.

"…I don't know. I just thought it'd be easier that way…" I curl up on the big couch in the theater room.

"Easier what way? Easier for me to never talk to you again?"

"…I guess. I don't know, Joe… I wasn't really thinking."

"I was so upset whenever you stopped answering me, Demi."

"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"How am I ever supposed to… trust you again? After that?"

"…You just have to… trust that I'm never going to do that again, Joe."

I can see that I've really hurt him. I can see that when I stopped answering his text messages and phone calls, I broke him. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that.

Joe reaches over and rubs the soft skin on my arm. I lean in to him. He grabs me and pulls me close to him. I lay against his chest.

"I'm really sorry, Joe."

"I know you are, Demi. I forgive you."

I'm starting to get cold. I'm getting really cold. Joe's holding me, but I am shaking.

"You're alright… you're alright." Joe whispers to me. I don't think I am alright. I don't think I'll ever be alright.

"I'm co…ld… I'm cold, Joe."

"You're alright, though. It's all in your head…" He pulls me closer to his body and rubs my arms.

I can't stop shaking and shivering. "…Can I have a blanket?"

"…Sure." He gets up from the couch and grabs a blanket from the cupboard. He brings it back to me and lets me resume laying on him. Joe's comfortable.

"You know, Demi. It's not illegal for you to get some sleep."

"I only have but so long with you. Why would I waste my time sleeping?"

"Your time with me isn't limited, babe. I'll still be here when you wake up."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I curl myself up into a ball, pull the blanket up to my neck, lay on Joe's chest and give myself to sleep.

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

The only time I've ever felt 100% at ease over these past three days is when Demi's with me. When she's with me, I know that she's safe. I'm not entirely too sure about how I'm going to get her to stop with her addiction, but I'm really going to try. I love her. I refuse to sit back and watch while it destroys her.

I pull the big blanket over her more. I'm gonna keep her warm. I'm gonna keep her safe.

You know, I've never thought that I'd be this way. I mean, I never thought that I'd find myself so crazy in love with an addict. I don't see Demi that way, though. She's more than an addict to me. I know that she's still my Demi. She's still my best friend. And she always will be.

Demi sleeps on my chest, quiet and at ease. She is beautiful.

"I love you, Demi. I'll never let anybody hurt you…" I whisper to her and kiss her forehead. She remains asleep.

As she sleeps, I can't help but think about everything she just told me.

He raped her. I can't get that thought out of my head. He raped her, and she was probably scared. She probably screamed. She probably screamed for help. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but think that I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole, because I didn't prevent it. I could've. I could've prevented it by doing everything in my power to keep her from going to his house.

It's not wise, but I want to kill Trace. Literally. I probably won't kill him, of course. The last thing Demi needs is for me to be behind bars. But if I ever did go to jail, I can't think of a better reason to go for. And if I ever did kill him, I'd do it slow. I'd torture him. I'd think of the cruelest form of torture, and I'd do it to him. Something along the lines of setting him on fire or starving him to death sounds good.

I sweep Demi's hair away from her face. She sleeps peacefully against me.

Trace doesn't know anything about her. He's known her since she was sixteen. I've known her since she was fourteen. I'll bet my life that he doesn't even know her birthday. Someone that "loves her" should know that.

But she's mine now. And I'm never, EVER gonna let her go.

**The Next Morning**

…**..**

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I didn't want to leave Joe last night. I wish I could've stayed the night with him. But I'm going to see him again today, so I guess that makes it all better.

I roll out of my bed bright and early at 10:15. I'm surprised that I'm awake this early, to be completely honest.

I sigh and sit on the edge of my bed. I need some Thing.

I remember what Joe said about weaning myself off of it. Maybe I won't do as much as I usually do.

I grab a baggie of it from my stash and empty some in my hand. The pile of it is only as big as a quarter. I lean my face down to it and sniff if. I sniff it hard. Joe would be so disappointed in me if he knew that I just did this. But oh well. I had to. I can't risk feeling sick all the time. And I didn't even do that much of it.

I put my stash back and go to take a shower.

I won't lie. I've been really thinking about Trace. I just wonder what he's doing. I find it strange because the only time I ever think about Trace is when I'm not with Joe.

I step into my shower and wash my face first.

I wonder what Trace is doing right now. I wonder if he found someone to replace me. I wonder if he's having sex right now. He probably is. That's all he ever does. All he ever does is have sex and get high. That's his life. That's been his life since his band broke up.

I also wonder if he misses me. He probably doesn't. He has too many other girls to miss me.

I wish I could've enjoyed yesterday. It's been a really long time since I've had sex; enjoyable sex, that is. I think I've only wanted to have sex with Trace about twice.

The last time I've really wanted to have passionate sex with someone I think was with Joe.

Me and Joe were going to have sex once. I mean, we were REALLY close to doing it.

We were making out and stuff. He took my clothes off and I took his off too. It was really cute. Like the shit you see in movies. He got on top of me, like he's supposed to. Then BOOM. Right before he put it in, he realized he didn't have a condom. Typical.

Don't call me a slut or anything, but I would've done it without a condom. Joe's the only one I trust with that kind of thing. Plus, he could always pull out. I'm really not worried about getting pregnant. I don't think I'm fertile anyway, which really sucks because I want babies. I read somewhere online that if you're on drugs long enough, it really fucks with your fertility.

I wash my body until I'm sure that I'm squeaky clean and get out. I look at myself in the mirror. I still kinda hate what I see.

Oh, shit. I forgot that I have a doctor's appointment today. It's at 11:30. Crap, I need to hurry up and get dressed.

I go to my room and put on a clean pair of underwear, a bra, a pair of shorts and a short sleeved shirt. I look at the time. It's already 10:45.

I grab my phone and hurry down the stairs.

"Good Morning, Demi. Where are you off to?" My dad asks me. He's in the kitchen making coffee.

"I have a doctor's appointment that I forgot about. I have to get going. I'll be right back."

"Okay. Don't be too long. Madison has a dance recital today. She wanted you to come. It's at 1:30."

"I'll be back before 1:30." I grab my car keys and head out the door. I can't believe I forgot about my doctor's appointment. I just made it yesterday.

Before I pull out of my driveway, I check my phone. I have a missed call from Joe. I call him back and start driving.

"Good Morning, gorgeous." He answers cheerfully.

I crack a smile and keep my eyes on the road. "Morning."

"What are you up to today?"

"I'm headed to my doctor's appointment right now. Then I have to go to my little sister's dance recital."

"What are you going to the doctor's for?"

"…Just a checkup. You know…."

"Demi, you know what they're gonna tell you at the doctor's, right?"

"Oh… it's not that kind of doctor, Joe. it's the… lady doctor."

"OH… OH…. Oh… okay. Good luck…"

I laugh. "Thanks I guess."

"….What are you going there for?" I can tell that he doesn't know if he should ask or not.

"Um…just to check and see if everything's okay down there… Trace wasn't.. the cleanest. You know?"

"Oh… well… I love you."

"I love you too." I turn a corner to get to the parking lot of the doctor's office.

"What time do you want to come over today? Or do you want me to come over?"

"Um… you can come over after I get home from Maddie's thing."

"I'll see you then, babe. I love you, okay?"

"I love you too, baby." It feels good to call him baby. I crack another smile.

Joe hangs up the phone, and I park in a parking space. I get out of my car and go into my doctor's office.

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

I should probably get up and get my day started.

You know how I know that Demi means a lot to me? I know, because I don't care. I don't care if she comes back from her doctor's appointment and she has some kind of STD from him. It won't change the way I feel about her. I'd still sleep with her. That's how I'm sure she really means something to me.

I get up from my bed and put on a blue v-neck shirt and a pair of jeans. I don't have anything to do today, but I'm sure I can find something to do.

I walk downstairs to the kitchen to see what my mom's up to. She's making breakfast.

"Good morning, Joe. Are you hungry?" She flips a pancake.

"No. I'm not hungry, mom." I sit down at the kitchen table.

"You and Demi were up late last night… what time did she go home?"

I play with an orange from the fruit basket on the table. "Around… 12."

"Is she your girlfriend now?"

"I don't know mom. Way to make it awkward…"

My mom laughs. "She's a cutie, Joe. I don't mind her."

"I really like her. But it's hard."

"Why is it hard?" She takes the orange out of my hands and cuts it for me.

"Because. She came from a bad relationship. And it's hard to get her to trust that I won't treat her bad."

"Oh, I see. How serious are you about her?"

"I'm pretty serious. More serious than Nick and Selena, that's for sure." I chuckle.

She laughs at my joke too. "Well maybe you should show her that you're serious about her." She puts a plate of the cut up orange in front of me.

I pick up a slice of the orange and bite into it. "How do I show her that, mom?"

"Buy her something nice. Take her somewhere…"

"I don't know what to buy a girl, mom. I suck at that stuff."

"Well I gotta make a trip to the plaza. I gotta go to the baseball shop to buy Frankie new spikes. Me and you can go look around in Kay and see what they have to offer in there."

"Why can't we just go to walmart?" I throw an orange peel on the paper plate.

"Joseph."

"What?"

"How much does that girl mean to you?"

"She means a lot to me, mom. You know that…"

"Then WHY would you buy her cheap jewelry from Walmart? You want to make her feel special, not turn her finger green from a cheap ring!"

I laugh and her point is clear. "Oh… I get it."

* * *

**Demi's Point Of View.**

I really don't feel like going to Madison's recital. I'd rather be home, spending time with Joe. But it's Maddie. I'll do whatever to make her happy.

I go home and do a little more Thing before Maddie's recital. Just to be sure that I won't start to feel sick. I function my best when I'm high.

I call Joe whenever I clean up my hand and put my Thing back in it's hiding place.

"Hello?" Joe answers.

"Hey… I can't talk long. I just called to tell you something…"

"I'm listening, babe…"

"I'm fine. My doctor checked me and stuff. She said I'm healthy as a horse down there."

"That's great, babe. How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine…"

"…Are you high?"

"…Yes."

"Demi."

"I know…. But I didn't do as much as I usually do…"

"…I told you…"

"I know. Joe, I gotta go… I'll talk to you when you come over here."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too."

He hangs up on me. It sucks to keep disappointing Joe. But I can't stop with my Thing. I can't stop abruptly.

….

Madison's recital starts at 1:30 and it doesn't end until 3:20.

Maddie was so adorable in her recital, but that was the most grueling two hours of my life.

I think the only reason it was so endless is because I know I'm getting ready to be with Joe.

"Demi, do you want to go grab something to eat with us? Or do you want to go back to the house with Dallas?" My dad asks as he drives us from the recital.

"I wanna go back to the house. Joe's coming over."

"What's the deal with you two?" My mom has a smile in her voice. She's grateful that it's not Trace.

"I dunno… Really close friends. Just take me home with Dal."

My dad turns the corner and drops me off in front of the house.

I run to the front door and open the door. Dallas is in the house with a couple of her friends.

"…Where are the rest of them?" She asks me. She's sitting on the floor as her friend is straightening her hair.

"They went to go eat." I kick off my shoes.

"Why didn't you go?"

"I'm having company."

"Like who?"

"…Joe."

"Oh. Whatever, then. If you get hungry, let me know. We're gonna order a pizza."

"Alright, Dal. When Joe comes, just tell him to come upstairs." I run upstairs to my room to straighten it up before Joe gets here. He said he'd be here in ten minutes.

I put my dirty clothes into my hamper, make my bed, make sure my rugs are straight, and throw away a couple of empty cans of soda. It's been a while since Joe's been here too.

I plop down on my bed and just wait. I wait and think.

Trace hasn't called me or texted me since….

Am I really finally over Trace? I think I am. If only I could get over my thing.

I scroll through my twitter feed on my phone. I haven't tweeted in a while.

Right before I decide to post a tweet, he comes into my room. I immediately smile.

"Hi babe." He says brightly. He shuts my door behind him and comes over to me with a big smile on his face. I hug him so tight that my arms hurt.

"I missed you!" I squeal. I pull back and look at him.

He's so perfect. I stare at his lips.

Almost as if he reads my mind, he presses his lips to mine.

"I missed you too, gorgeous." He has his arms so tight around my lower back.

"What'd you do today?" I wrap my legs around his waist so that he can't put me down.

"Just sat around, basically. Bought you something…"

"You bought me something?!"

"…How was your doctor's appointment?" He switches the subject.

"It was fine… doctor said that I'm clean down there. Now what'd you buy me?!"

He kisses my lips again. "I'm so glad you're okay babe."

"Joe, you're killing me."

He laughs at me and puts me down on my bed. I lock my legs around his waist so that he has to come down on the bed with me. He sits with me and laughs.

"It's nothing, baby."

"You still didn't have to buy me anything."

"I wanted to… and I want to see if it fits you…" He reaches in his pocket and grabs a little black box.

I think I'm going to cry. Nobody's ever bought me something before.

He opens up the box and shows me its contents. It's definitely the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It has a bright silver band and an enormous green stone in the center. The green stone is surrounded by tiny white-gold studs. The green stone is my birthstone. The ring is gorgeous.

"…Do you like it?" He whispers to me.

"Joe I…. I love it." I feel tears coming.

"..Let me put it on you…" He softly grabs my right hand and slides the ring down on my ring finger. It fits perfectly. He brings my hand to his mouth and plants a soft kiss on it. I blush as tears fall.

"….Thank you… Joe. Thank you…" Is all I can say.

"You're welcome. It looks beautiful on you…" He hugs me tight and kisses my cheek.

"….Thank you so much… I don't… I don't deserve this…"

"Demi, you deserve everything. You deserve the world…"

"You didn't have to spend money on me, babe." I kiss him on his lips repeatedly.

"No amount of money can express the way I feel about you, babe. Money isn't an issue." He kisses my lips too and cups his hands around my hips.

"I love you." I kiss his lips again. I part my lips open a little and kiss him deeper.

Joe grabs my waist and rubs it softly. He brings his hands up to my back and rubs me. He strokes all over my back.

"I love you too, Demi." He nestles his head in my neck and sucks on a spot below my ear.

I straddle him and put my legs on either side of him. He leans up and keeps rubbing my back while kissing my neck. I rub his head.

It's gonna happen this time. And I don't care.

The more he holds me and kisses all over my body, the more I realize that I've been waiting for this since I was fifteen.

* * *

**Joe's Point Of View.**

I think it's really going to happen. I've been waiting for her for three, almost four years.

I don't know if I want to do this, though. I don't know if she's ready. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, or make her do something she's not ready to do.

She doesn't stop me, so I continue to kiss her neck passionately. She smells like perfume and the shampoo she washes her hair with. Everything about her is just amazing.

I struggle, but I keep my hands calm around her waist. I don't want to violate her.

She puts her hands around my waist and lifts my shirt up over my head. I pull her body closer against my bare chest. I guess she wants this as much as I do.

I pull her shirt off over her head too. Her cream-colored skin is soft and sweet-smelling. Her hair falls in bouncy waves around her bra. She's not really busty, but her chest is big enough for me.

She puts her hand on the back of my head and brings me up to her mouth. I kiss her lips softly but still very intensely.

I drag my hands up the length of her back and stop at her bra buckle. I unsnap it and it falls off. She pulls away from my body and throws her bra to the floor. I don't look at her chest, I just hold her against me. I can't be persuaded to stop kissing her neck.

In my pants, I feel myself getting hard. I wonder if she can feel it too.

She puts her hands below my waist and unbuttons my jeans. She unzips them and starts pulling them down.

"Demi, don't…" I warn her. I don't want her to start this if she's not sure she wants it.

"…I want you." She whispers in my ear. She sounds sure of herself.

"….Are you sure?" I pull away from her and look her in her eyes.

She nods fast and continues to tug on my jeans. I help her out by taking them off myself.

I maneuver her out of her shorts too and throw them to the floor. Her underwear are bright green with silver hearts on them. They match her bra.

She reaches over and grabs one of her big blankets. She drapes the blanket across us, and I finally get a look at her body.

She is incredible. Her hair falls to her chest, but bounces up in waves. She has a silver "D" charm dangling from her neck. Like I said, she's not incredibly busty, but her breasts are big enough to satisfy me. She has an extremely tiny waist, too. Her bellybutton piercing turns me on.

She continues to undress me. She grabs my boxers at last and pulls them down. I kick them off the bed. I grab the reams of her underwear and pull them off too. She straddles me again and both of our pelvises are touching. I'm hard as a rock, and I'm comforted to feel that she's really wet. It reassures me that she wants it as much as I do.

"Do you want to stay on top?" I smirk.

She puts her hands flat against my chest and shakes her head with a smile.

"Alrighty then." I put my arm around her waist and hold her. In one movement, I switch places with her. She's on bottom and her body is positioned in a way that is allowing me to securely be on top.

I put my hands on either side of her head and lower myself down. She bends her knees and parts her legs for me. "Stop me if I hurt you…" I whisper to her.

"You won't." She shakes her head.

I reach down with my right hand and hold the base of myself. I guide myself to where she opens and slide myself inside. I slide in easily because she is slippery wet.

She gasps with her beautiful voice and digs her palms into my back.

* * *

**Demi's Point Of View.**

My body takes a while to get used to his sudden entrance. Joe's not small. He's bigger than Trace, and a lot wider too. I heard drugs make your dick smaller. Maybe that's what went wrong with Trace.

I unbend my knees a little and open my legs a little wider. Joe's lower stomach is against mine.

I shut my eyes tight and bite on my bottom lip. God, this feels amazing.

He draws back his lower half and slams it fast back into me. I jolt upwards and grip his back. I don't want to hurt him, so I take my nails out of his back.

Again, he draws back and slams in. It feels like every inch of him is inside of me, but I still want to feel him more.

"You okay?" He leans down and asks me.

I nod fast rub where I scratched his back. He puts his face in the crook of my neck and breathes evenly. I told him that I was okay, and that's all he needed.

He starts going really, really, really fast. I count his strokes. 1…. 2…. 3….. 4. 5. 6…. 7…. 8… I lose count because he picks up the pace.

"Ohh…. Oooh…" I can't help it. All I can do to bear with it is moan, whimper, scratch his back and pray that he doesn't stop.

I kick my legs up and wrap them around his waist. He still doesn't stop. I'm at that point where I want him to stop, because it feels too good. I can't take it anymore. But if he does stop, I might go crazy. I don't want him to stop.

He reaches down and holds me around my waist to that I'm steady. I don't know how it's possible, but he turns the speed WAY up. I try counting his strokes into my body again.

1…..2….3…..4…5…5… Is this number six? I think it's number six. My head is starting to hit off of my headboard, but it doesn't hurt. It's just annoying, because it's making a lot of noise.

He slows down. No… don't slow down…

I release my nails from his back and unwind my legs from around his waist.

"I'm not done…" He mumbles.

"Good…" I say in the same tone of voice I moaned in.

He grabs the heels of my feet tight in his hands and pulls my legs apart. I didn't even know I could open my legs this far. Oh my god…

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

The further she opens her legs, the deeper I can go.

I hold her legs apart and push myself back in.

Damn, she's tight.

I slide in and out super easy.

Her moans are so beautiful.

I hold her hand and go to work. I notice that she counts, but she often loses count and gives up. That makes me laugh.

She's good. She's VERY good. She's tight, doesn't dry out and she can take it. Another reason why I love this woman.

I hold her waist and pump her some more. Her moans are coming in pairs, and they turn me on so much. She grips my back, so I know I'm in there good.

I can tell she's almost at her peak, because she's grabbing the sheets so tight that they're coming off the bed. She's also bucking her body up towards me. I don't give up, though. I keep going.

I go at a steady, really fast pace. I think I'm going 60 per minute, which is not a lot, but to her, you would think it's the greatest thing in the world.

One thing I want is for her to say my name though.

I reach down with my thumb and tease her. I really want her to climax. I know he's never made her do that before. I know this for a fact. When I glide my thumb fast over her, she screams. I love her scream.

"Fuck! Oh…. My god! Oh shit! Ohhhh…." Her legs are shaking as she screams. I smirk at that.

She arches her back and bucks up towards me fast. I feel her get hotter on the inside and her walls slightly contract around my shaft. She's coming (A/N: I know it's spelled with a U but I hate that word) and she's letting me know that.

"Mmmm…. God…. Oh… Joe…" She's calming down. I kiss her.

I bust my load too, and I go soft. It definitely was the best sex I've ever had.

I stroke her hair as she catches her breath. She's still beautiful to me. She's all sweaty and so am I.

"I love you…." I say. I kiss her cheek and sweep her sweaty hair away.

"I… love you… too…." She's still out of breath, so I know I did her in good.

I pull myself out of her and collapse on the bed next to her. I'm tired now.

"mmmm…." She breathes heavy. I kiss her lips.

I pull her over to me and hold her. I grab the blanket and put it over her bottom half, because I can keep the top half of her warm.

She turns on her side and drapes her arm across me. I hold her tight. "I love you, Demi."

"Mhm…." She's tired. She falls asleep on me.

I kiss her head and stroke the ring on her finger. Green is nice on her. Green will probably be the color of the engagement ring I get her.

I rub her arm. Just as I forgot about our one problem, I'm reminded again when she begins to shiver. It's hot in this room. But she's freezing.

Instead of dwelling on it, I pull the covers over her cold yet sweaty body.

I fall asleep, too.


	9. Forever

**Demi's Point Of View.**

I wake up in Joe's arms. I'm still naked. And I'm freezing.

I blink my heavy eyes twice. I had a really nice sleep. I feel really rested. Except for me being so cold that I have goosebumps. I brace my hands on Joe's chest and lift myself up. My hair falls over my bare boobs. I stifle a big yawn.

I reach over and grab my phone. I push the lock button and check the time. It's 6:12 in the evening.

I yawn again. "Joe… wake up. Wake up babe." I mumble with my sleepy voice. I lean down and plant a kiss on his lips.

A smile spreads across his face and he opens his eyes. "Hey…"

I sit up and clutch the blanket to my naked body. I think I like waking up to Joe. Joe sits up and his butt crack is hanging out, which makes me laugh.

"Did you have a nice sleep?" He asks me. He leans over pulls me against his chest again. I'm naked, but I feel so confident around him. I don't feel like I need to cover up.

"Mhm. I slept good." I thump my head against his bare chest and listen to his heartbeat.

"Why are you so beautiful?" He moves my hair away from my face. I smile but don't show teeth.

"I don't know… why are you so nice to me?" I move my arm around his waist and accidentally touch his manhood. He's soft, which means something to me. I mean, what man do you know that wouldn't have a boner if he woke up naked with someone he just had sex with? I know that Joe doesn't just want me for sex.

"You deserve for me to be nice to you." He kisses my cheek.

"…Joe?" I'm nervous to ask this question, but I've been wondering.

"Yes, love?"

"…Am I your girlfriend?"

He starts cracking up laughing, but I don't see what's funny. I'm serious. I really wanna know.

"Joe… I'm serious!"

"Oh… Oh, Demi. You are FUNNY."

"Stop… I'm serious." I whine to him.

"OF COURSE YOU'RE MY GIRLFRIEND!" He continues to laugh.

"Well I didn't know! You never asked or anything!"

"I didn't know I had to, babe." He kisses my lips again. "Of course you are."

I kiss him back and smile. "I'm gonna go ahead and take a shower." I stand up from my bed.

"Do you mind if I join you?" He asks.

"Of course I don't."

He gets out of the bed too and walks over to me. He wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up in the air.

"JOE PUT ME DOWN!"

"Why do I have to?" He laughs again and kisses me on my lips. "Let's go get in the shower, huh?" His hands are holding me so tight around my waist that I can't complain.

"If you put me down first!"

He lowers me to the ground and he follows me into my bathroom. I turn on the shower water and step in. Joe follows me.

**Joe's Point of View.**

I watch Demi as she washes herself up. Her every movement amazes me. I snap myself out of delirium and start to wash myself up too.

"Are you hungry baby?" I ask her. She has to be hungry. We've been asleep for so long.

"…I kinda am, but not that much." She answers me. She hangs her washrag up on the bar and shuts off the water.

"Do you want to get something to eat?" I hang my rag up too.

"…Sure. Where at though?"

"I'm kind of feeling pasta… what about you?"

"I'm feeling pizza." She steps out the shower, hands me a towel and wraps a towel around herself.

"Looks like we're going to Pizza Hut." I kiss her cheek.

On the counter next to Demi's toothpaste, her phone starts ringing. It's buzzing uncontrollably.

Demi grabs it and looks at the caller ID. Her pretty little face goes from happy with me to upset and horrified.

"…Let me answer it, Demi. Let me answer." I go from my usual happy personality to protective and overbearing to my Demi.

"…No… just let it ring." Her voice is shaky and I can tell that she's scared.

"Give me your phone, Demetria." I don't mean to talk to her like the way I am, but I'm furious right now. Quietly, Demi reaches over and drops her phone into hand.

I slide my thumb across the screen and unlock it. I put the phone to my ear and don't say anything into it. I let him talk first.

"Listen here, bitch. I know you've been ignoring me. Don't talk, just listen. Get your ass over here right NOW. Do you hear me, Demi? I'm so close to breaking it off with you that it's not funny. You're such a little bitch, Demi." I put the phone on speaker instead of holding it to my ear. It's really pissing me off the way he's talking to her.

Demi's looking down at the floor sadly.

"…Tell him that it's over, Demi. He needs to hear it from you." I whisper to her as Trace just keeps going on and on about her being a bitch.

"…I can't. He'll hate me…" She whispers back. Her eyes are full of tears and she's really upset.

"I got you, babe. You can tell him. I'm here. I'll never let him hurt you. But you've got to tell him, Demi."

She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and sniffs.

"…Trace?" She grabs the phone from me, but keeps it on speaker.

"….It's over. I… I don't want you anymore. I… I'm breaking up with you." Her voice is tiny and still shaky, but she said it.

"You are NOTHING without me, Demi. Nobody wants you. Always remember that. NEVER forget that. Nobody wants you. I'm the only one that did. Nobody wants you anymore, Demi."

"…Somebody does." She says a little higher but still in a low voice.

"Nobody does, Demi! I was the only one that…" He starts to talk down to her, but she hangs up on him.

She hangs up on him and looks at me. She still has tears running down her cheeks, but she smiles at me.

I'm so proud of my baby girl.

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe takes me to Pizza Hut. He told me that he'd pay the bill to "celebrate me breaking up with Trace." Part of me thinks that he'd pay the bill anyway.

Like we said in the shower, Joe orders two kinds of pasta and I get some pizza.

We, of course share it.

"How are you feeling, baby?"

"…Okay. I'm still getting the chills but I'm okay."

"I really want you to stop, baby." He grabs a slice of my pizza.

"I'm gonna try… I really am. But I can't quit cold-turkey. I have to wean myself off it like you said."

"I have faith in you, babe. I know you'll stop… it'll be long. But I know you'll stop."

I stab some alfredo on my fork and put it in my mouth. I want to switch the topic. "Joe? You remember that time we… almost did it?"

He chuckles. "What about it?"

"..Like… was that… what you thought it was gonna be? When we finally did?"

"It was a little bit better than I'd imagined."

I smile at that. "Better?"

"Way better than I imagined."He leans over and wipes my mouth off.

I smile at him and he presses his lips to mine.

"I love you, Demi. I can't tell you that enough."

"…This is just weird to me, Joe…" I tell him honestly.

"Why is it weird?"

"Because… like… you're not supposed to love me. like… I've never had this before. It feels weird."

"It shouldn't feel weird baby. It should make you feel happy. I'm happy with you. You deserve to be happy."

"…it's really weird too. Because like… with Trace, I decided that I wanted someone that I could potentially be with…"

"Am I not good enough for you to potentially be with?" Joe holds my hand under the table.

"No… you're perfect. But like… I'm only seventeen and I know what I want."

"What do you want then?"

"I know that I want little babies… and I want a husband someday. With Trace, I wasn't gonna get that."

"You're not with him anymore, babe. You're with me. and I'll marry you someday when we're ready. I'll have little babies with you."

"…I don't think that's possible for me though. Like… drugs can really mess with your fertility. And my periods are really irregular, so like… my lady doctor said that It'll probably be hard for me to ever have kids. It sucks, because that was like… my one and only dream. But I might not be able to now…" I sigh.

"Demi, there are other ways. And here in a minute, you'll be clean off the drugs. Baby, we'll have lots and lots of pretty little babies when the time is right. Don't worry about that."

"…If we hadn't gone to New York… we wouldn't be together. I'm so glad that we went…" I lay my head on him.

"That's not true."

"So you're telling me that if we never went to New York, you would be my boyfriend right now?"

"….Probably not right now, but I was gonna come see you someday. Nick talked me into coming to see you when the time was right. It just so happened that New York jump started it." He combs his fingers through my hair.

"You don't think we're moving too fast?" I hold his hand and rub his knuckles.

"Demi… I've been waiting for you for three years. THREE years. I've been falling in love with you for three years." He strokes my face.

"…I'm really glad you came around, Joe… I really needed you."

"I'm here forever now, baby."

I tilt my head upwards toward him and he kisses my lips softly and meaningfully.

Through the window we're sitting beside, there's a flash of a camera.

Those damn paparazzi.


	10. Stay

**Demi's Point of View.**

I really have to start trying to kick my habit. I know Joe probably would never just abandon me, but if he ever did, I know the reason would be because I can't stop with my Thing.

Call me foolish, but I really believed that if I broke up with Trace, it would be easier to just ditch my habit. Boy, I was wrong.

But it's not like I don't want to stop doing drugs, though. It'd be a totally different story if I were in the same position I was in a while ago when I was still with Trace. When I was still with Trace, I didn't care if I ever stopped. I wanted to keep going. I wanted to keep going, because I thought that maybe Trace would love me if I kept going. Boy, I was wrong again.

I won't lie, though. Ever since the day Joe helped me break up with Trace (nearly two weeks ago now), I've been a much happier person. I don't really have to worry about anything with Joe. I'm completely comfortable around him. It sounds corny, but I really feel like I mean something to him. It's completely different with Joe. I mean, he never puts me down. He treats me like I'm a person, and Trace never did that. And Joe doesn't use me for sex. I've only had sex with Joe once now, and we've been together for two weeks.

I see Joe everyday, too. Sometimes we hang out at his house, other times at mine. He takes me out to fancy restaurants and even kisses me in public. I know all of this sounds really cheesy, but come on. I've never had this before, so it's amazing to me. It's amazing to me that someone could care about me so much.

The only thing I have to complain about is myself. I know how Joe feels about drugs. It makes me feel crappy that I have to make him go against his own beliefs because I can't drop a drug.

But I really can't stop. Stopping my thing would be like letting a freight train run free. I need my Thing to keep me feeling well. Even though I don't want to keep using it, I need to. otherwise, I'd probably collapse.

I've been trying to cut back on it, though.

This morning, I roll out of bed and start my usual routine.

I go downstairs first and see who's awake. It's only Dallas. She's in the kitchen making some bacon.

"Morning, Dems." She mumbles when I walk into the kitchen. I sit in a chair at the kitchen table.

"Hey Dal…"

"….Want some breakfast?"

"No, I'm not really hungry."

"Suit yourself."

I don't get up. I tap my fingers on the glass table and sigh. It's 10:41 in the morning. Joe usually texts me around this time.

All of a sudden, without any warning, I shiver violently. Every time I start to forget about my Thing addiction, my body does something to remind me about it. It's actually kind of annoying.

"I'll be back, Dal." I get up from the table and walk upstairs to my room. I should probably cut back on how many times a day I get high. Not how much I get high with.

I go over to my stash and dump a little in my hand. I sniff it until it's all gone and put my stash back. It bothers me at how casually I make this. It's a nasty habit and I don't know why I don't take it so seriously.

My phone buzzes on my dresser. It's Joe, of course.

I can't help but cry when I see his name flash on my phone screen. I feel so bad whenever I betray him. It's like I don't care about how he feels, as long as I can feel good myself. I sigh and pick up my phone.

"..Hello?"

"Good morning, babe. How did you sleep?" His voice is cheerful.

"I slept well…" I sniff to keep back my tears.

"…Demi? Why are you crying? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay… I just had a bad morning." I clean up my tone.

"What happened baby?"

"Nothing. Seriously. Don't worry about it."

"Okay… well anyway…. Do you want to stay over tonight?"

"Like… sleep over?"

"Yeah.."

"Yeah, sure. That sounds good. What time?"

"…5? Somewhere around there?"

"It's a date." I smile.

"Okay. I'll see you later then. Um… text me if you need me. I love you."

"I love you too."

He hangs up the phone and I can't help but be mad at myself. Mad at myself for doing this to him. I treat him like dirt too. God, why do I have to be so dependent on a god damn drug? Joe assures me every single day that he would never break up with me, but I get so worried that one day my addiction is gonna be way too much for him.

I need to pull myself together. I have a couple things I need to do before I go over Joe's house. Like wash my laundry, take a shower, go pick up a couple things at the store, etc.

I have to pee and then get dressed.

I go into my bathroom and sit on the toilet. I put my elbows on my knees, my face in my hands and close my eyes. I need to think.

How am I really going to get out of this addiction? I sigh. "I don't know, Demi." I mumble to myself.

I unravel some toilet paper from the spool and wipe myself. I glance briefly at the tissue I wiped with. It's a little bit pink. I close my eyes again and count. 1 week… 2. 3 weeks…. Yeah, I'm due.

I reach into my cabinet and grab a little purple box of tampons. Fuck. The box is empty. I reach back and grab a black package. _Always. Have a happy period. Extra thin with wings._

I chuckle to myself. Have a happy period my ass.

I grab one of the pads, open it up and put it in my still clean underwear. I must be flowing really light to not have leaked onto my underwear. But that's always with me. My mom told me that my periods are so soft because I didn't have enough body fat to regulate them when I would throw up a lot. I guess it's taking my body long to finally get regular again.

I pull my pants up, flush the toilet and wash my hands. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm breaking out in little red pimples all over my forehead. It's not that noticeable, but I, of course can see. It's probably my period breaking me out.

I grab my toothbrush and brush my teeth real good. I scrub my face too. I don't need to comb my hair. I just tie it up in a wavy ponytail.

I go back into my room and wiggle on some scrunched sweatpants. I pull them up over my calves. I slide on some flip flops and pull on a t-shirt. It's Joe's t-shirt. It's black and it has him and his brothers on it. It says "Jonas Brothers" written across it in bright blue cursive letters and their tour dates are on the back. Maybe I'll give it back to him someday.

I grab my phone and head downstairs. Okay, so on my mental list to buy is: shampoo , conditioner, more Aussie to scrunch my hair, Pamprin or Midol; whichever one works, toothpaste and some tampons.

"I'll be back. I'm running to the store. Do you need anything?" I ask Dallas when I go back downstairs.

"….Some hairspray, please." She answers me.

I nod once and leave out the door. No paparazzi are outside my house, which is a rare occurrence.

I climb into my car and start driving to the store. It kind of sucks how I got my period this morning. I haven't done anything with Joe in two weeks.

Maybe I'll buy some condoms anyway, for future use.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I have a bad habit of checking gossip sites. I just like to know what the world is saying about me, you know? TMZ is my guilty pleasure.

I sit in my bed on my laptop, scrolling through their feed. Angelina Jolie had twins? Lindsay Lohan is back in jail. Something about Kim Kardashian's ass.

There it is. "Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato enjoy private time at his cozy Burbank Home." Is the title of the article.

I like having the world know about me and Demi. I sound conceited and really vain, but I know some people are jealous of me for having her. I like when people are jealous. It just makes the fact that she's mine so much better.

I click on the article and skim through it. Blah blah blah. "Demi arrived at the Jonas household around 6 pm yesterday night and was spotted leaving around 10:30. It was sweet as Joe Jonas walked her to her car." I smirk as I read aloud to myself. Whatever.

I close my laptop and get out of bed. Demi's staying the night for the first time tonight. I need to be clean for her. I never clean.

I go to the supply closet in the hallway and grab the vacuum and a new set of bed sheets.

I sweep my carpet real good and change my bed. I even spray some air freshener. I think it's clean enough.

I go downstairs to tell my mom the plan for tonight. She'll enjoy Demi's company tonight.

"Mom…. Mom…" I call her. I find her sitting in a corner of the couch in the living room.

"What, Joe?"

"Can Demi stay over tonight?" It's easy to ask her.

"Stay over? Like… sleep here?" She turns her attention to me.

"Yeah…"

"….I don't mind, Joe. but… you know I have rules around here."

"I know, Mom. Doors open at all times when upstairs alone. Must spend at least two hours downstairs with family. She has to shower in you and dad's bathroom and I have to leave the room when she's using the bathroom. No sexual activity." I repeat her rules like a robot.

"…You're older now, Joseph. It's not that I don't want you to have sex. I know you're gonna do it anyway. I just… Just be careful. And she's a little girl, Joe. You know I want you to have the utmost respect for her. I don't care if she stays and I don't care if you two have a little privacy, but don't go too far." She lectures me.

"Okay, Mom. I promise that I respect Demi… and I won't be… that bad." I chuckle at the last part.

"Just don't let me hear it."

"…Okay. That's fair."

I already knew that my mom would be okay with Demi staying the night. She loves Demi.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

5:00 rolls around and I'm still upstairs packing my bag for Joe's. I didn't even ask if I could stay over there yet.

I pack a fresh pair of underwear, six tampons, a pair of socks, a pair of spongebob pajama pants, the matching spongebob shirt, my slippers, my deodorant, the bottle of midol and my toothbrush. I don't pack any of my Thing. I already got high, so I'll be okay for a few hours.

I sling my bag on my back and walk downstairs. "Mom? Dad?"

"In here!" My dad yells from the family room. I walk back to him.

My dad is watching a football game and my mom is putting blue hair-dye in Madison's hair.

"….Can I stay over Joe's house tonight?" I don't even beat around the bush.

"Absolutely not." My dad answers.

"Eddie." My mom shuts him up.

"She's seventeen, Dianna." My dad defends himself. I sigh hard.

"She spends all night over Joe's anyway… what's the difference of her sleeping there?"

"He's a twenty year old BOY, Dianna."

"They're gonna have sex regardless. We have to trust her sometime."

"….Don't come back pregnant, Demetria." My dad is defeated and he wants my mom to shut up so he can watch the game.

"..I'm on my monthly… so I can't even… do that." I just thought I should throw that out there.

"Call me before you go to bed, baby." My mom dismisses me. I nod and turn to leave.

I make it to Joe's house in fifteen minutes instead of twenty. It's been a full 24 hours since I've seen him, which is unusual for us.

I park my car in his driveway. I ignore the clicking of the paparazzi cameras and ring the doorbell to his house.

Frankie answers the door.

"Are you sleeping here tonight?" He immediately asks me. I think Frankie's adorable.

"Yes…"

"Oh…. Well Joe's upstairs. But he's coming downstairs."

I kick off my shoes at the door and go into the living room to greet everybody. Mr. and Mrs. Jonas are sitting on the couch watching the same football game my parents were.

"Hi Demi." Paul waves at me but continues to watch the game.

Denise stands up and gives me a hug. "Hi honey. Good to see you again. You're getting so pretty." She plays with my hair.

I smile at her, "Thanks Miss Denise."

"It's nothing, honey. Are you hungry? I made tortellini today. Joe said it's your favorite."

"Oooh… yeah. Um… I'm just gonna go put my things in Joe's room. I'll come eat…"

"Take your time, honey."

I turn to go upstairs, but Paul calls me.

"Demi." He says from the sofa.

"…Yes?"

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but we all know the deal with this."

"The deal with that?" I feel a bead of sweat roll down my back. Does he know my secret?

"If you and Joe decide to be…. Physical tonight… please use protection, honey. And don't let Joe make you do anything you don't want to do."

I sigh in relief. "Um… thanks. But… with all due respect sir… i… there will be no physical… activity tonight. I'm… unavailable for the week."

Denise laughs hard like I said something extremely hilarious. "Thanks for clearing that up, honey."

"You're welcome." I chuckle a little then turn to go upstairs again.

I go upstairs and make the right to Joe's room. He's not in his room. Where is he?

I put my bag down on his floor and sit on his bed. It's nice in his room. It's cozy.

I look over at a corkboard on his wall. Hanging on it is a picture of he and his brothers, a picture that Frankie drew for him, an invitation to a party, a medal, another picture that Frankie drew, pictures of me and him together; kissing, and a picture of the two of us. In the picture, I'm fifteen year old me and he's eighteen year old him. I'm teaching him how to play guitar. I smile at that picture.

As I'm looking at his pictures, he comes behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. "Hey beautiful…" He whispers in my ear. I smile and turn towards him.

"Hi…" I stand on my tip toes and kiss his lips.

"I missed you…" He kisses me deeply and rubs my lower back.

"I missed you too."

"You wanna get into your pajamas? Get comfortable?"

"Mhm…" I nod and grab my backpack. I open it and pull out my pajamas and my new pair of underwear.

"You wanna take a shower, babe?" He asks me.

"…Yes, please."

He grabs my hand and leads me to his bathroom. His bathroom is big and spacious. He turns on the shower water for me and leaves me alone.

I undress and take out my tampon. I'm sorry to be gross, but there is barely anything on it. I'm not flowing heavy at all. But I'm not complaining.

I step into the shower and wash myself really good. I never feel completely clean whenever I'm on my period.

When I'm done, I step out, dry off, put a new tampon in and get dressed. I'm as clean as I can possibly be.

I go back into Joe's room. He's sitting on his bed waiting for me.

"Hey baby girl…" His face lights up when he sees me, which makes my heart melt.

"Hey…" I flop down on the bed next to him.

"How you feeling today, babe?"

"…Fine. I got my womanly, so I'm not too… pleased about that."

"Oh… I'm sorry."

I laugh at his apology. "It's… fine."

Joe doesn't seem disappointed that we can't have sex tonight, even though it's been two (almost three now that I think about it) weeks. He continues to impress me.

"…Are you high?"

I nod slowly. "Just a little bit, though."

"…It's alright babe. It's good that you're cutting back…"

"I'm trying…"

"I know you are. And I'm proud of you for that."

I love how he's not mad at me or anything. I love that he continues to encourage me.

I love Joe.


	11. Advice

**Joe's Point of View.**

"How much food do you want, babe? A little or a lot?" I ask Demi. I'm making her plate for her. She deserves that.

"Um… I'm not… sure." Her voice is a little strained. I think she's tired.

"Are you tired, love?" I pile a little bit of pasta on her plate and put it in the microwave.

"A little bit… I just… had a long day." She sits down in a chair that I pulled out for her.

I lean down and kiss her cheek. "We can go to sleep early if you want to."

"I'm fine." She puts her head down and her curly hair falls over and creates a curtain over her face.

"We can go to sleep early tonight babe. If you want to…" I put her warmed food on the table in front of her and play with her pretty hair.

"I said I'll be okay, Joe." She starts to eat her food.

I grab a piece of her hair and overlap it with another piece. Her hair smells extremely good and it's really silky.

"Can you put it up in a ponytail for me?"

I take her orders and tie a ponytail into her hair. Her hair is gorgeous, just like she is.

"Are you finished, honey?" I rub her shoulders.

"Mhm…."

I clean up her area and help her up from her chair. I am a little TOO overprotective of Demi, but I don't care. I need to protect her. She's my everything.

"What do you want to do now?" I ask.

"I dunno… let's watch TV or something."

"Up in my room?"

"I guess…"

I hold Demi's hand and walk her upstairs to my room. "Demi, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Joe!" She raises her voice at me and I feel a little bit bad.

"I'm sorry, babe. You just seem a little… off right now."

She shrugs and sits down on my bed.

"Demi, if something's bothering you, you can tell me…" I sit beside her and hold onto her hand.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

If I'm being honest, I feel like crap. Not just physically, though.

Physically, I have a slight headache and my whole body aches.

Mentally, my mind is running so much. I just can't believe that Joe treats me so well, but all I do is continue to use a drug that I KNOW he wants me to stop with. I don't really feel like I deserve him, you know?

"Nothing is wrong, Joe!" I really have to stop yelling at him. Tears sting the corners of my eyes.

"But Demi, I know you…"

"NOTHING IS THE MATTER WITH ME, LEAVE ME ALONE!" I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just start bawling my eyes out hard and loud.

"Demi… Demi." He clamps my face in his two hands and looks me in my face. I don't look at him, though. I can't.

"Demetria. Demi. look at me." He rubs my back softly.

"…..What?" I sniff and my chest hiccups.

"What's the matter, love? Tell me…"

"I just…. I don't feel like…. I deserve you. Joe… I don't treat you as good as you treat me… I just… I feel all crappy."

"Demi, listen to me…. you deserve to be happy. I'm gonna make you happy. Babygirl, it's okay. It's alright."

I sniff and lay on him. These moods and meltdowns are getting annoying. The side effects of my Thing aren't even worth it anymore. I'm just so sick of being dependent on this… this… drug.

"It's alright, baby. I love you. I don't blame you for anything. I love you SO much…"

I sniff again. "I believe you…"

* * *

**-THE NEXT DAY-**

**Demi's Point of View.**

When I came home from Joe's house, everyone expected me to have some story to tell about what we did and whatever. I didn't have any stories to tell. I just went upstairs straight to my bed and went to sleep.

I've been so tired lately. I read on Google that weaning yourself off of a drug addiction can make you really tired. I've definitely cut back on my Thing. I only do it like… four times a day now. I used to do it at least ten.

I wake up from my nap and I feel even more horrible. I don't have a headache, surprisingly. But I do feel extremely tired and my boobs are sore. My entire body is sore, but my boobs are the definitely sorer than the rest of my body. Probably because I slept on my stomach.

I roll out of my bed and drag myself to my bathroom. I sit on my toilet and just rest there for a little bit. I think I'm just gonna sleep the day away.

I run through the motions of using the bathroom. I dispose of my tampon, pee, wipe myself. I glance at the toilet paper. The toilet paper is clean. I guess I'm done with my period. Woo hoo.

I don't even bother to put another tampon in. I get up, wash my hands, and go back to my room. I climb back into my bed and lay down. While I lay there, I massage my boobs. They are so sore, but it's also the last day of my period. After tossing and turning, I fall back asleep.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

Demi's been really tired since yesterday. Damn, I really hate what this whole cocaine thing has done to her.

She left my house early this morning. She said she'd rather be in her own bed, but I know that she needed to get high. I guess I'm just glad that she's not getting high for the…wrong reasons. I know that the only reason she's been getting high is so she doesn't feel violently sick. At least she's not doing it just for the hell of it, I guess.

I just wish I could hold her. Comfort her. Be there for her. Tell her it's okay.

I know I can do that, but only but so much. She's dependent on that drug, and I don't understand what that's like. I've never been drug-dependent.

I scare myself with horror thoughts that maybe someday Demi won't get better. What if she's dependent for the rest of her life? What if someday, someone finds her dead on the floor from an overdose? Then what will I do? If something ever happens to her, I lose everything. I lose the love of my life. I lose my future wife. I lose the future mother of my kids. I lose everything. My god, she has to get better.

Demi's the only person in this world that can break me down.

Thinking about all the shit that can go wrong, I start to cry. I love her so much. I need her to stop.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and sniff. I can't believe this girl has got me crying like a baby. I can't believe that someone could mean this much to me.

Nick comes busting through my door. Fuck.

"Joe, dad said he needs us to…." He starts talking to me, but stops soon after.

I sniff again. I really fucking hate for anyone to see me cry, let alone my little brother.

"…What's wrong, dude?" Nick asks me. He sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Nothin, man." I really want him to leave.

"Seriously, Joe. What's going on?"

I shrug and just hope he leaves. Nick is persistent and a pain in the ass, though. He doesn't give up easily.

"Is it Demi?" He's also a good guesser.

I shrug again.

"What happened to her?"

"Nothing. She's fine…"

"…Then what happened with her?"

"She's fine. .. at least I think she is…" I sigh hard and another tear rolls off my cheek.

"…She's not really okay, is she?"

I shake my head.

"I didn't think so… she seemed a little… off when she was here last night. What's wrong with her? She break up with you?"

"No… we're still dating. But…"

"But what, Joe? I'm not gonna leave you alone until you tell me."

I know Nick's threat isn't empty. If he wants to know something, he WILL find out.

"…You can't tell anybody, Nick. You can't even let her know that I told you…"

"I won't."

"I mean it, Nick. I MEAN IT. She… she could get into a lot of trouble if you tell. Nick, I'm beyond SERIOUS. Don't tell a SOUL."

"Joe, I won't."

I swallow my pride and sigh. I don't know if I should tell Nick, but it's worth a shot. Nick is usually the first person I tell about these things. He knows a whole lot about me. He's never betrayed my trust before, and I really hope he doesn't now.

"…Demi's got problems, Nick. And it just bothers me that I can't help…" I sniff again.

"…What kind of problems?"

"….Drug problems, Nick." I sigh.

"…She does drugs?"

"Yes… and…. She's been trying to quit. But… she gets really really sick when she tries. So… she can't quit. But I don't know what to do… besides watch her die."

"….Joe."

I sigh again and wipe my tears with my hand. I'm done with the crying.

"Joe… you need to… somehow make her realize what she's doing. It's not your fault that you can't get her to stop…"

"But Nick, I'm supposed to help her. I'm supposed to save her. what would you do if this was Selena?"

"…I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I'd try real hard to get her to stop."

"I'm trying, Nick. But she gets REALLY sick if she tries to stop. I love her, Nick. I want to marry her and stuff. But this is gonna kill her…"

"… do you want my advice?"

"That's kind of why I'm telling you…."

"…My advice is to take action. I'm not saying send her to rehab…but… if… if it were Selena, I'd be her rehab. I'd cut off her supply. I'd make her stop. Joe, she can't be sick forever. You just have to get her mind over the "needing it" part. After her mind gets over that, it'll be easier. I'm not saying just… cut her off. but… you should… monitor it. Maybe only let her get high once a day until she doesn't need to anymore…"

"…How do I do that?"

"…Be with her always. Move in with her. Have her move in here. Stay over her house every night. Have her stay here every night. Be her savior, Joe. YOU be her rehab. Because if it were Selena, there's no way in hell I'd sit back and watch."

This is why I told Nick.

The kid gives really good advice.


	12. If It Makes You Happy

**Demi's Point of View.**

I wake up from my nap again. It's 6:15 in the evening. Damn, I slept for five hours straight. I crawl out of my bed, still incredibly groggy. Why did I just knock out like that?

I have a raging headache and my chest is so sore. My body isn't even sore anymore, just my chest. My stomach has these butterfly feelings racing through it. I feel like something inside my stomach is just… not right. Like I have a stomach virus.

Like a machine, I go over to my stash.

I really wish I didn't have to do this. I really wish I never even started. I really wish that I could just be free of this. I really wish I could put it down and never pick it up again. I wish I could be in a relationship with Joe without a stipulation. I want to be clean. I don't want this anymore. How did I even end up here?

Oh, that's right. Trace. I remember the exact moment I first started with this. I remember terrible I felt. I remember the worst headache of my life. I remember sniffing it, and feeling it break through the soft tissue of my nose. I remember feeling so pressured to do it. I remember being the only girl in the room; the only sixteen year old in the room. Everyone around me was leaning their faces down to a mirror and sniffing a chalky white powder. I did it too. It burned. It hurt so badly. But the RUSH I got from it was indescribable. I never wanted to do it again, though.

Wishful thinking, of course I couldn't just never do it again. Not while I was dating Trace. Every time I went to visit him, he would make me do it before I could leave. I wonder if he knows what he's done to me. I wonder if he knows that he's stolen my life from me. Do you think he knows how scary it is to only be a seventeen year old girl and know that your life is going to end by the time you're twenty? Do you think he knows what he's done to me?

All this doesn't make a difference, though. I want to stop so badly, but it doesn't matter. This headache has got to go, and the soreness in my chest is unbearable.

I shake a little bit of the white powder into my hand, lean my face down to it and sniff. I look at the palm of my hand. There's still some powder in it. I bring my nose down to it again and sniff it until it's gone. I use my index finger and rub my nostrils.

The feeling I get after I sniff it is…unreal. I feel like the powder is rushing to my brain and giving it an immediate comfort. As if it's telling my brain to stop the headache.

I pull my index finger away from my nose, and it's bloody. Damn, this happens sometimes. I feel my warm blood trickle down onto my top lip. I clamp my lips shut tight and go to my bathroom. I grab a wad of toilet paper. I press the toilet paper to my nose and pinch it. It never bleeds a lot, but it bleeds enough to soak through one wad of toilet tissue. I grab another wad, tilt my head back and pinch again. While my head is back, I feel tears trickle back to my ears. I'm crying.

This isn't worth it anymore. This isn't worth my life. It's just a fucking drug. I want to put it down so bad.

I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to someone right now. I don't know what to do anymore.

I go back to my room with the toilet paper still on my nose and grab my phone. I dial Joe's number slowly. My fingers are so shaky that they barely reached the buttons.

"Demi?" Joe answers the phone.

I can't find anything to say to him. But I breathe into the phone, just to let him know that I am on the line.

"Demi what's the matter, babe?"

I still just breathe into the phone some more.

"Demi… what's wrong?!" Joe's voice is starting to sound really panicky.

I still don't say anything to him. Oddly enough, hearing his voice is comforting to me.

"Babe… babe, I'm coming over. Please don't do anything stupid. Please don't do anything, Demetria. Do you understand me?"

"…..hurry." I say in an inaudible voice. Joe hangs up the phone and now I'm faced with waiting.

I did more than enough of my Thing, so WHY is my head still hurting? More importantly, why is my chest still sore? Why do I feel so nauseous? Why am I sick?

Please don't tell me that my body needs more than that to feel okay…. I already did a lot today. It wasn't as much as I used to do, but I'm trying to cut back. Has my body already built up the fact that it needs more than a little bit to put me out of my misery? Probably.

My stomach feels like I have butterflies all in it. Not the good butterflies, either. The butterflies that will make you want to throw up. I get off my bed again. My legs shake. The butterflies in my stomach won't stop and I feel like I'm going to puke.

I hold onto the frame of my bed for stability and walk over to my stash. Shakily, I dump some more into my hand. I sniff it all up. That's it. Immediately, my headache goes away. My chest doesn't stop aching, but the headache subsides. The butterfly feelings in my stomach don't go away abruptly. They die down slowly until they stop completely.

Slowly, I go back to my bed. I crawl into my bed. I wait for Joe. I think I'm dying.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

It's taking me longer than I'd like to get over to Demi's house. When she called, I was watching Frankie. I had to call Nick, wait until he got home from Selena's to watch Frankie, and then go to Demi's. Traffic doesn't help either.

Anyway, I make it to Demi's house about a half hour after she called.

I knock on the door. Her mother answers.

"Hi, Miss Dianna. Can I see Demi? She called me and said she wasn't feeling well…" I have to ask because it's respectful. It doesn't matter what the answer is, though. I'm still going to see Demi.

"Of course you can go up to see her. She's in her bedroom." She steps aside and lets me in the house.

"Thank you." I mumble. I kick my shoes off at the door and rush upstairs to Demi's room.

I knock on her door once and let myself in. I don't wait for her to tell me to come in.

"Demi…" I call her name. It's scary to see her lying in her bed like that. She's lifeless and her body is shaking. She's piled under four layers of blankets, though.

"Demi? Baby…" Please let her be okay. Please don't let me pick her up and she's unresponsive. Please…

I walk to the opposite side of her bed. I see it, and it makes my heart drop into my stomach. I'm not surprised or anything. It's just the first time I've ever actually seen it. I swallow the lump in my throat and grab the plastic bag full of white powder. I put it on the floor and make a mental note to take it home with me. I'll burn it.

I pull back her covers, take off my heavy jeans and climb into the bed with her. I wrap my arms around her waist. She's sweaty but shivering.

"Demi, can you hear me?" I whisper in her ear. She turns her head towards me and I am so relieved that she's okay. Her eyes are full of tears and there is some dried blood around her nostril.

I lean in and kiss her lips. "I'm here, baby."

She moves her body closer to me and lays on me. I hold her tight. "What happened? What's wrong? Tell me baby…" I rub her back as I speak to her.

I feel her nestle her skinny, soft fingers between mine. I squeeze her hand tight.

"…I don't know how to stop… I just wanna stop…" She whimpers and some tears fall from her eyes. I kiss her cheek.

"…I'm gonna help you, babe. I'm gonna help you. You hear me?" I stroke her hair.

"…How? How? I want to stop…"

"I'm taking it with me. I'm taking it all with me…"

"I need it though… I can't feel sick all the time… I just wish I never started… I wish I never started." She sobs heavily into my chest.

"I'll give it to you, babe. I'll make sure you never feel sick for too long…. I'll give it to you how I feel like you need it…"

"That's not gonna be enough…"

"IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE ENOUGH, DEMI. What part of 'I CAN'T LOSE YOU' don't you understand? I'm taking it all home with me, Demi. I'll give it to you… in increments. I'll ration it out to you until I DECIDE when you stop."

She sniffs and doesn't say another word. I think she knows that I'm very serious.

I wipe her tears and she calms down.

"I don't know why you love me so much…" She whispers.

"Because, Demi. I just… love you." I kiss her lips.

"I love you too…" She kisses me back hungrily. "You know that, right? I love you so much, Joe…"

I kiss her back with the same passionate intensity. "Yes, I know that you love me babe."

We continue to kiss. Our tongues swirl together with passion and I stroke her face.

She pulls away from me to breathe. "How much do you love me?" She asks. She doesn't give me time to answer before she goes back to kissing me deeply and lovingly.

"….Too much." I kiss her and stare into her eyes. She's looking up at me.

"…Show me?" She asks.

"…I would. I will. As soon as you get off your… woman thing. I swear I will."

"I'm not on it anymore…" She whispers.

"…You're not?" I kiss her again. She shakes her head.

I've already made love to her. I don't know how else to show her that I love her. Well, the only time we had sex, it wasn't really intimate. It was more for pleasure. I'm willing to bet that nobody has ever made love to her before. Maybe that's what I'll do.

"Do you have a condom, babe?" I ask her.

"…I left them over at your house. I'm sorry…" She apologizes.

"…Then never mind." I'm not doing it without a condom.

"We've already done it without one, Joe. Nothing happened… it's alright…"

"I don't want to, Demi. I didn't even mean to do it the first time without one. That's disrespectful to you… I owe it to you to at least use protection…"

"….Okay. Maybe tomorrow, then." She sounds a little disappointed.

Damn. The last thing I want to do is make her upset. I really do want to have sex with her. I really do want to make love to her. But… I can't. I owe it to her to use protection, and I don't have that. I feel like it's disrespectful to not use protection when we aren't married…

I look over at her. I can see in her eyes that she's disappointed.

I don't want her to be upset…

I have an idea.

….I've never done this before.

I will only ever do this to someone that I really, really love. I mean, I have to LOVE you to do this. And I have to trust you. I trust Demi… I trust her.

I kiss her on her lips again. "I got you, babe." I whisper to her.

"…Hmm?" She didn't hear me. She didn't have to hear me.

I turn over on my side and kiss her some more.

With my hand, I slip down into her shorts and rub her.

"…Joe, you don't have to…" She tries to stop me, but I ignore her.

I slide my hand into her underwear. She's warm between her legs, like she should be. I move my hand further between her legs and I start to rub her from the outside.

This isn't what I've never done. Of course I've fingered a girl before.

I use my middle finger and push inside of her. She was dry on the outside, but inside she's extremely wet. I kiss the spot in her neck that turns her on and dig my finger deep.

She has her eyes closed, gripping onto my arm. She doesn't moan, but she starts breathing unevenly.

I pull my finger out, soaking wet. I push it back inside and she finally lets a moan slip through her lips. Her moans are soft and really pretty.

I guess she's wet enough for me.

I take my finger out completely and slowly pull her pants and underwear down. I climb on top of her, still fully clothed.

"You really don't have to, babe… I understand you want to use protection…" She whispers to me.

"Just let me…" I kiss her neck. She closes her eyes and rubs my back.

I kiss from her neck to her chest. From her chest to her navel. I stop at her belly piercing.

"What are you doing…?" She's confused.

"Shhh…" I kiss her belly button. Her piercing ends up in my mouth, but I don't care. I plant soft kisses all over her lower stomach.

I reach up with my hands and massage her hips as I kiss her stomach. She smells good. She lies there motionlessly.

I move down to the top of her groin. She's freshly shaven and it's silky smooth. I plant kisses all over it. She still doesn't move. I look up at her, still kissing her sex.

Her eyes are closed and her hands are resting on her stomach.

I move down further so that I can actually kiss her on the inside.

I move my head down slightly.

"Joe… no. No… don't…" She tries to warn me.

"Shh…" I say again.

She props herself up on her elbows and looks down at me.

I go to work.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

This is the kind of stuff that I've only seen on movies. I've never witnessed this in real life. I never thought that I would, either. He doesn't have to do this…

I gasp sharply and jolt up toward him. Oh my god… is that his mouth? I reach down and hold his head. Oh my god…

I honestly can't believe this. I would never even imagine that he'd do this. Should I… return the favor?

"Oh my god!" I exclaim. He interrupted my thoughts by piercing his tongue inside of me. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

I tug on his hair. Holy shit…

**-20 Minutes Later-**

Well THAT was amazing… beyond amazing, actually. It was perfect.

Joe lies down on the pillow next to me and just holds me. I love him so fucking much.

"You okay?" He asks me. He strokes my bare stomach.

"…Mhm." I nod.

I have those butterflies in my stomach again. But it's not making me sick. It's actually a very pleasant feeling.

"I can't believe you did that…" I whisper to him.

"….I liked it. I love you…" He kisses my cheek and I blush.

"I just feel really…bad." I admit.

"Why do you feel bad, babe?" He props himself up and looks at me.

"…I have to repay you someday…"

"What do you mean, babe?"

"I have to repay you… I have to return the favor, right?"

"….Demetria… I would… I would NEVER ask you… Demi, I would NEVER ask you to do that… I did it because I WANTED to. Not because I had to…"

"But…."

"No buts… you don't have to do anything for me, baby."

I smile at him and kiss him. "I love you, Joe."

"I love you too… how are you feeling?"

"…Okay. I have this weird feeling in my stomach, but aside from that I'm okay. I think my high is taking long to wear off."

"You want to go downstairs? I'll cook you something. You need to eat." He plays with my hair.

"…Yeah. I'm kind of hungry. Maybe my stomach will stop feeling all weird if I eat something."

"Did it feel better when you got high?" He gets out of my bed and pulls his jeans back on.

"Yeah a little but not completely. I think it has something to do with the fact that I haven't eaten since your house yesterday." I get up too and pull on my underwear and some shorts.

"You gotta stop that, babe. Eat more."

"I know…" I open the door to my room and go downstairs to my kitchen. My mom is sitting in the kitchen while my dad is making a pizza.

"Hi Demi. Hi Joe." My mom waves at us.

"Do you feel better, Demi?" My dad asks me.

"Yeah… I feel better." I sit down too. Joe sits next to me.

"I think your period is just messing with you, honey." My mom says.

"Probably…." I agree just to make it seem like something medical is actually wrong with me. "But I came off it… i'm not on it anymore…"

"Oh, good. I made you an appointment tomorrow at the clinic. I want you to get birth control pills. They'll help regulate your period."

"….Okay. birth control is fine."

Birth control pills might help my period, but they definitely won't help the way I feel.

But regardless, if it helps me keep my record clean with my parents, then I'll get birth control.

It's a good thing the crotch-doctor can't tell when someone's a drug addict, otherwise I'd be screwed.


	13. Will I Overdose?

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe doesn't stay the night with me tonight, which sucks. When he left, he did take all the bags of my Thing with him. I don't have any of it left with me, except for a little sandwich baggie full of it in the glove compartment of my car. I pretend not to know about that, though.

I can't go to sleep tonight. It's hard to sleep when I feel so sick. I don't feel like I usually feel, though. The only problem I'm having is with my stomach. It has that weird butterfly feeling in it still, but it also feels the way it did whenever we were back at the hotel in New York. At least I don't feel too sick tonight. But my stomach is still making it hard for me to rest.

While I attempt to fall asleep, I just lay in my bed, thinking about everything. I can't believe what Joe did to me earlier. I really can't believe that. It felt…incredible, too. I don't even know what else to think about that, other than the fact that it was amazing. I knew he could make me feel that way with his body. I had an orgasm like that when we actually had sex the first time. But I never thought that he could make me have one using only his mouth. That's amazing to me.

My stomach flutters again. Maybe I should go get something to eat. I have to find alternative methods to getting high. If my stomach is bothering me, I have to eat instead of getting high; even if I'm not hungry. I look at the clock on my dresser. It's 3:21 in the morning. I get out of my bed and tip-toe downstairs. I'm the only one in my house that's awake at this hour.

I go straight to the kitchen and look in the fridge for something to eat. I'm not the worst cook in the world, but I'm definitely not the best either. I find a plate on the top shelf with aluminum foil over it. I grab the plate and look at what it is. It's six pieces of uncooked chicken. I guess I'll fry chicken at three in the morning.

I go to the cabinet and grab a frying pan. I pour some oil into the frying pan and turn the heat on. I don't know if my dad or whoever last had the chicken cleaned it before they stuck it in the fridge, but I'll clean it anyway. I wash the slimy chicken legs off under hot water in the sink and coat them in flour. I toss all six pieces into the grease and sit at my kitchen table. My stomach is still fluttering. Maybe I have to use the bathroom. If it doesn't go away after I eat, I'll take some Ex-Lax. That way I won't have to throw it up if I don't want to. I haven't thrown up in a while. I'm due.

I sit at the kitchen table scrolling through my twitter feed while the chicken sizzles and pops. Nobody's on twitter at this hour, except Trace. Why haven't I unfollowed him yet? I tap on his profile to block him, but I read his tweets first.

Tweet One: Did you forget about the love we shared?

Tweet Two: I miss her ass

Tweet Three: Fuck LOVE

I tap the red block button anyway. It's been easier to ignore him lately.

I get up and turn the chicken. It's a little bit burned, but it's edible. Before it cooks all the way through, I sprinkle seasoning all over it. I'm sure it'll taste fine.

The butterflies in my stomach won't stop flittering. I'm so tempted to just go outside and grab my secret stash. My head is starting to hurt, but only a little bit. I fight the urge to go grab it. I've already snorted more than enough today.

The chicken is done, so I put a series of paper towels on another glass plate to drain the grease from it. I pile all six pieces on the plate and wait for it to cool. I pour myself a glass of grape Kool-Aid, grab the bottle of ketchup and grab the Doritos from the snack cabinet. It's makeshift, but it's food.

I sit down at my table and eat. The chicken is actually really good. A+ for me. I pull apart the pieces of chicken and feed myself. I'm surprised at how hungry I am. In an instant, all six pieces of chicken are gone and half the bag of Doritos is gone too. I have heartburn, probably from eating so fast. I'm full, and I am kind of tired.

I clean up the mess I made in the kitchen and drink another cup of juice. The butterfly feeling in my stomach isn't completely gone, but it'll do for now. I feel like I should throw up all the food I just stuffed my face with, but if I throw up, the butterflies might come back. It's probably best if I just keep a full stomach.

With my full belly, tired eyes and wicked heartburn, I go back upstairs to my room. I put my phone on the charger and climb back into bed. I think I can finally go to sleep now. I have a doctor's appointment to get birth control in the morning, anyway.

I yawn really big, cuddle my head into my big purple pillow, pull covers over me and close my eyes. It takes a really long time, but I finally fall asleep.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I wish I could've stayed over Demi's house with her last night, but I couldn't. I have to get up way too early this morning and it would be unfair for me to have to leave her so early. Me, Nick and Kevin have to go discuss our tour with our agent at 8:30 in the morning.

I wake up at 7:00. This morning is weird, because it's very different. It's different, because I'm awake so damn early. But what's most different is whenever I wake up, the first thing I do is text Demi. It's way too early for me to text her right now.

I get in the shower and wash up. I really wish I could talk to Demi this early, but I don't want to wake her. I'll text her at 10:00 on the dot. I wanted to go to her doctor's appointment with her today too. Just in case they decide to test her for drugs or something. But she'll probably be fine. She's strong.

I get out of the shower and throw on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. I put on my shoes and go downstairs.

I know my mom so well that I knew when I came downstairs, she'd be making breakfast. It's always been real important to her that her boys eat something proper before doing something business related. My mom has never really been too comfortable with the idea of us being child stars. She does a really good job of keeping us grounded.

"Good morning Joey." She pats my butt like she used to when I was little.

I sit down at the kitchen table. "Morning, Ma."

I sip a glass of orange juice that she sat on the table.

Kevin wanders into the kitchen too. He sits next to me. Nick comes in and my dad does too, soon after.

"Paul, if there is a tour, when is it going to be? And how long will it last?" My mom asks my dad.

"I don't know, Denise. It'll probably last two months… maybe less." My dad answers.

"I still want Nicholas in school while touring. He still has to graduate…"

My mom and my dad often fight over things like this. My dad is all about business and my mom would like to keep us as close to normal as possible.

"Dad, if we go on tour, Danielle will come with us, right?" Kevin asks.

"Yes, Kevin."

"Then Selena's coming too." Nick says.

I might as well join in. "And so is Demi."

"Boys, we can't have all these girls coming with us. That's extra bills on the insurance and…" My dad tries to stop the madness.

"If Demi can't come then I won't go."

"Joseph."

"I'm serious."

"We'll see."

That's the best I can ask for. I won't leave for two months without Demi. I can't do that to her. She needs me. And I need her just as much. It's just not gonna happen.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

My mom can go to the doctor with me, but she can't go back into the exam room with me. It's fine with her though. I'm not gonna be back their long. I just have to get an exam, answer a bunch of questions and choose a form of birth control. I'll be twenty minutes at the most.

I go into the waiting room and sign in. My appointment is at 9:30. It's only 9:26.

I sit down in a chair and my mom sits next to me.

"I want you to get pills, Demi. The shot will make you gain weight. The pills are better."

"Alright mom…" I'm kind of irritable this morning. I think it's because I haven't had any of my Thing in a while. Plus I haven't talked to Joe yet today. That alone is enough to piss me off.

My head is thumping just a little, my boobs (my nipples, specifically) are really sore and the butterflies in my stomach are running wild. I need to be in my bed.

A doctor with bright green and yellow scrubs on opens the door. She is short, kind of fat, really young and she has dark red hair. Her name is Carly Lake. She's been my doctor since we moved to California. She's my mom's doctor and Dallas's doctor too. I trust her enough to go with her if I suspect an STD. She was the one who told me I was clean. "Demi?" She calls my name.

I hand my mom the magazine I was flipping through and go back. I follow Carly to her exam room.

"Hey, Demi. What's up?" She shuts the door behind us and I get on the exam table.

"Nothing… My mom just wanted me to come get birth control. For my periods…" I clear my throat.

"What about your period?"

"They're really… light. I guess they're irregular… but mostly light. My mom wants me to get birth control to regulate them."

She scribbles some things down on a clipboard. "How long ago did you stop bingeing and purging, Demi?"

"….About… six months ago. With some slip ups here and there."

"And your lowest weight was… 98 pounds you said?"

"Yes…"

"Take off your clothes, except for your bra and underwear and step on the scale for me, honey."

I stand up and strip myself down to my undergarments. I easily step on the scale.

"You are… 123 pounds… Five foot… three inches tall. You're perfect weight for your size."

I nod and sit back on the exam table still not clothed.

"The reason I wanted to weigh you is because there is a certain weight that causes your periods to be irregular. A person can be either overweight, perfect or underweight for their height. If a person drops five pounds below their expected weight, that's when you run a risk for not having enough body tissue to menstruate. You're at a perfect weight and you have been at a perfect weight for about four months now, so there's no reason for your periods to still be irregular."

"…They're not really… irregular. They're just really light… like… I don't know when they start and stop. And they're abnormal. They start then stop then start again." I explain to her.

"When was your last period, honey?"

"…Three days ago? I just got off it… can I see your calendar?" I ask her.

"Certainly. Today's date is January 29th." She hands me her mini calendar.

I count back the days. "My last period started on the 24th. Ended on the 28th." I hand the calendar back.

"And was that also a really light period?"

"Yes… it was really light. Basically only spotting."

"Last time you were sexually active?"

I close my eyes to think. "January… 3rd. ...or yesterday evening. Whichever one."

"What do you mean?"

"…I was active yesterday with my boyfriend… but there was no… penetration."

"Was it oral?"

"Yes."

"Were you the giver or the recipient?"

"…Recipient."

She scribbles a few things down. "So you're interested in the pill?"

"Yes…"

"Okay. I'll get that for you in a minute. I don't have to do a vaginal or breast exam because I recently did them on you. I just need you to do one last thing." She finishes writing on her clipboard.

She turns and grabs a cup with a blue lid out of a white cabinet. I need you to go give me a urine sample. Just to check for yeast infections, pregnancy, UTIs… all that good stuff. You put it in the cabinet when you're done. I'll check it for you. Get you your pills and then you can be on your way." She hands me the cup.

"Okay…" I redress myself and walk across the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me.

I can't wait to get out of here and talk to Joe.

I pull my pants back down and pee into the cup. I squeeze enough out to cover the bottom of the cup. I wipe myself. I put my piss in the cabinet and wash my hands. I go back over to Carly's room and sit back on the exam table.

I wait.

My stomach is still full of that weird butterfly feeling and my head hurts. I really need that Thing that's in my car.

I look around the room while I wait for Carly to come back. I look at the posters on the wall. _Unplanned Pregnancies are Preventable. Adoption hotline. Abortion doesn't have to be an option. Fast facts about Birth Control. The Female Reproductive System. How to give yourself a breast exam. Are you 15 or older? You can call in without a parent to get on birth control. Always use protection._

All these posters are cheesy.

Carly knocks once and opens the door.

She has a small brown paper bag with her. I don't see the birth control pills. They're probably in the bag.

"Demi… I have a few more questions for you before I can send you on your way."

"Okay…."

"You said the last time you were sexually active was about… five weeks ago?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Did you use a condom?"

"…No ma'am. I don't think…"

She writes things down on a bright green sheet of paper.

"And you just had a period this week?"

"Yes…"

"That period was very light for you, right? Not much bleeding?"

"Yes. It was very, very light."

"Okay… and any… headaches? Fatigue? Nausea? Breast or nipple tenderness?"

"…Um… yes." I start to sweat. Did she find cocaine in my system in the pee test? Oh my god. I'm still underage. She's gonna have to tell my mom. Oh god… I'm busted. I feel tears sting my eyes as I get really nervous. I really wish Joe was here with me…

"You having heartburn?"

"..Last night I did. But it was only for a second cause I ate too fast." My voice is cracking while I talk. She's gonna tell my mom that there's cocaine in my system.

"Okay, Demi. You know that I cannot tell your mother without your consent. You know that since you're over fifteen, everything you do in here is strictly confidential. So I don't have to tell your mom this. If you don't want to tell her, I can still give you this empty paper bag to fool her into thinking you got the pills." She must be able to see how panicky I am, because she puts her hand on my back and pats me.

"…Fool her?"

"Yeah… if you go out there without the pills you came here for, that'll give it away… do you want an empty paper bag?"

"…Why can't you give me the pills?" It must be because the cocaine will interact with the pills and cause me to overdose or something. I think I'm dying. I'm definitely hyperventilating. Someone knows about my addiction… don't cry… don't cry, Demi.

"Demi… honey. Don't you know how dangerous that is? Don't you know?" She asks me.

I shake my head slowly. I assume that it's dangerous for me to take birth control and cocaine at the same time…

"…Sweetie, I can't give you the birth control pills… I could lose my job if I did."

"…Could I overdose or something?" I croak.

"What?" She sounds REALLY confused..

"With the pills…" I elaborate. I start crying softly. I'm not crying hard. Just a few tears fall.

"No, Demi." She hands me some tissues and rubs my back again.

"I can't give you birth control pills when you're already pregnant."


	14. I Can't

**Demi's Point of View.**

You ever have one of those moments where you just leave your body? I don't know. Maybe you've gotten into a car crash, broken a bone, almost passed out or just gotten horrible news? You leave your body for a split second, and everything becomes surreal to you. Like you forget how to feel for that moment.

But when you finally feel again, you want to forget to feel. Because when you forgot how to feel, it was easier than actually feeling. Your emotions just rush back to you, and you don't know if you want to laugh, smile, cry, punch something, kill someone, commit suicide, or all of the above.

"Demi? honey are you okay?" Carly asks me. She rubs my back.

Back to reality. Back to face this. Back to face this… reality that I wish was a dream.

The tears that were falling from my eyes a second ago are nothing compared to the tears that are falling now. "…I can't be pregnant. I…. I just had my p…eriod." I suck on my bottom lip to keep it from trembling.

"What… what you had wasn't a period, Demi. It was called implantation bleeding. That… that happens whenever a fertilized egg attaches to your uterus. It can often cause bleeding that you mistake for a period… it's very common in early pregnancy."

"….I can't be pregnant. I'm… only… I'm only seventeen…"

You ever notice how you always think you're big and tough when you're a teenager? But something happens and you can quickly revert back to the ways of a seven year old?

I suck on my bottom lip some more and just let it all go. I hold my face in my hands and just sob. I want my mommy. I want my mommy to hold me and tell me everything's okay. I want my daddy to pick me up in his arms and put me in the car for ice cream like he used to when I had a bad day. I just want somebody to hold me.

"Demi, calm down honey… calm down. There are… a lot of options. I can… I can get you started on your prenatal vitamins right now. I'll put your prescription in and you can pick it up at the pharmacy later on tonight. …You want to keep it, correct?"

"I don't know…. I don't know…. I don't know…" My shirt collar is soaking wet from my tears, but I just can't stop crying. I just wanna lie down. I wanna sleep and never wake up again. I wanna wake up when this is all over. I don't wanna be pregnant.

"H…Ho..how m…mu…much wo…would i…i….it…." I am hiccupping every other syllable. "c….cost i..if I want… an…an abo..abortion?"

"I don't know that, Demi. I do know that you're a couple days less than a month along. Which means your fetus's brain, heart and lungs have already started to develop."

"…H…Hear…heart?"

"Your baby has a heart…"

"Fetus." I correct her. I can't stand the term "baby" right now.

"…Do you want me to call in your prescription?"

I shrug blankly. I don't know what I want.

"…I wanna go home…" My bottom lip is trembling again and I'm about to start my crying episode all over again.

"Okay honey… Here's your bag. I'll put a pamphlet in here about your baby – fetus's development stages. There's also some information about your options in the bag, if you want to look into something. Abortion included."

I nod. I feel numb right now. I feel empty. Like someone shot a cannon clean through the middle of my stomach. I even lift up my shirt to feel if there's an empty space in my gut. There isn't…

"…Can I use the bathroom before I leave?" I can't talk above a light whisper. My voice comes out strained.

"Of course, honey. Right across the hall. But Demi… I want you to call me. Schedule another appointment with me in…. two weeks. Let me know what you decide…"

I nod again and get down off the exam table. My legs feel like jello and I stumble before I catch my balance. I clutch the brown paper bag and walk aimlessly to the bathroom across the hall.

I don't know anything for sure right now. But one thing I do know is that I am NOT telling my parents. So I have to pull myself together before I walk out to my mom.

I run cold water in the bathroom sink. I look at myself in the mirror. My shirt is two different shades of blue. The bright blue like it's supposed to be, and the darker shade around my shirt collar where all my tears fell. My eyes are so red and puffy that I look… sick. My nose is bright red and the tears stained some places on my cheeks.

I cup a handful of the freezing water in both my hands. I lean down towards the sink and bring my hands full of water up to my face. The cold water feels kind of good. I have to come up with a lie.

I was crying because… I was crying because…

I was crying because they had to do… they had to do a breast exam. And I got worried when… I got worried when I thought she felt a lump. But it was nothing. And I'm okay now.

I clutch the bag in my hand and walk out of the bathroom.

I walk down the hall to the scheduling desk.

"Can I help you, dear?" An elderly woman with white hair asks me.

I clear my throat and my voice comes out louder, but still shaky. "Yes… I have to reschedule… in t..two weeks?"

"Who are you going to see, dear?"

"Carly Lake."

"Okay… I have an opening… February 7th. At 2:30?"

"That's fine…" I clutch the bag and grab the door handle to the waiting room. I walk out, but I hear the secretary calling after me because I forgot my appointment card. I don't need an appointment card. I'll remember. I just wanna get out of here.

"How'd your appointment go, honey?" My mom springs up as soon as I walk out and she follows me as I walk out of the building.

"It went okay…" I lie to her. I'm about to cry again.

"Why are you so upset, honey? What happened?"

"…It's nothing. I thought she found a lump in my… my boob. B..but it was nothing. I got all worked up for nothing." I stick to my story. She buys it.

"Well you always have been a little worrier."

We both get into the car and I'm quiet the entire way home. I look at the clock. It's 10:23 in the morning. Still early.

"Do you want some brunch when we get home? Are you hungry?"

"…No. I'm not hungry. I just wanna go back to bed."

"Okay, Demi." She pulls into the driveway of our house and parks her car. I get out and walk slowly to the door. I open the door to my house and go straight up to my room.

I shut and lock the door to my room and lay in my bed, clothes and all.

So many things are just going through my head.

I'm only certain of three things right now.

One, I'm NOT telling my mom and dad. If I tell them, it'll break their hearts. If I told my mom, she'd cry for days. She preached to me since I was young that I shouldn't start a family young. If I told my dad, he'd kill me. He'd kill Joe, too. My parents would be so disappointed in me, and that alone is too much to handle.

Two, I'm not telling ANYONE. Not even Joe. Joe would hate me if I told him. Joe would hate me because of the third thing I'm certain of.

Three, I am NOT having a fetus. I'm getting an abortion. I don't want a fetus. Fuck calling it a baby, because it's not a baby. It's a fetus. Not a baby.

I grab the pamphlet out of the brown paper bag and look at it. I read through it aloud.

"Unplanned pregnancy can be the scariest thing a teenager or adult can ever be faced with. In today's society, there are many solutions to an unplanned pregnancy that will make life for the baby and the parents more comfortable." Well, I need a pamphlet on abortion.

I throw the pamphlet to the side and grab another out of the bag. Fetal Development. I throw that one too. Nothing in here is telling me where to get an abortion.

I grab my phone and go on Google. I search "Abortions and costs in Burbank Area California."

I click on the first result that pops up. .

I click on the "cost generator" option and answer the questions.

….FUCK. I'm under eighteen. I need someone to sign for me, or I can't do it.

I shut my phone off and lay into my pillow.

I have never felt so alone in my life. I have never wanted to just… end my life. I feel so alone. I feel so ashamed.

I don't want this baby… I don't want it. What am I gonna go? What am I gonna do?

I bite onto my pillow and let out a soft whimper. I don't know what to do… I don't want this thing. I want to have an abortion. I need my parents' consent. I can't tell my parents. I don't know what to do… I need to have an abortion… I'd ruin so many lives with a baby. I'd ruin my own life, my family's lives, Joe's life and the BABY's life.

I have never felt so… alone. I feel so alone. There's nowhere for me to turn. No one for me to talk to…

I can't tell anybody.

Maybe I can "accidentally" fall down the steps… but what if that doesn't work?

Someone over eighteen HAS to sign for me.

Dallas.

Yeah… that's it. Dallas.

I grab my phone and text her.

Me: Dal. Where are you?

Dallas: In my room?

Me: Come here.

Dallas: I don't feel like getting up you come here.

Me: Please Dal. Please.

Dallas: Quit being lazy.

Me: DALLAS IM SERIOUS.

Dallas: SO AM I!

Me: Dal please just come in here. I can't leave my room…

She doesn't text me back.

I put my pillow over my face and sob into it.

God, I fucked up so bad. I'm alone. I'm so alone.

There's nobody here… nobody. I just need to get rid of this…

The door to my room opens. "What, Demi? damn…" She snaps at me.

"….Dal?"

"WHAT?!"

"Please don't yell at me…"

"…Why are you crying?" She shuts the door behind her and sits on the edge of my bed.

"You have to help me, Dal… you HAVE to help me."

"How can I help you when I don't know what you need help with?"

"….Just promise you'll help."

"I promise I'll help you Demi. What is the matter with you?"

I keep the pillow over my face. "I'm pregnant."

She's quiet. For once in Dallas's life, she is SILENT.

"…And I need someone… someone over eighteen to sign for me. So that I can get an abortion…"

"**NO**!" She SCREAMS.

"Dal, you promised!" I'm sobbing so hard right now.

"I don't…. I don't give a FUCK about what I promised, Demi. i…. I love you. You know that I'd do ANYTHING in this world for you. But i…. I will NOT help you… KILL your baby."

"Dallas, just listen!"

"Demi, I'm not doing it. I don't care what you say. I'm not helping you do that." Dallas has tears in her light brown eyes.

"I can't keep it, Dal… and I can't tell mommy and daddy… I can't…"

"…No. Demi, I'm sorry. I really am. And…. I love you. I love you SO much. But…. I'm not going to sign for that." She scoots over to me and hugs me really tight.

"…I can't have a baby…"

"You CAN have a baby. You CAN and you ARE having a baby. You don't have to keep it. But don't kill it."

"…What else can I do, Dal?"

"Demi, it's okay. It's okay… your life isn't over…"

"Yes huh, Dal. My LIFE is over. My CAREER is over…"

"Demi, fuck the media. Lots of teenagers get pregnant and are far shittier parents than you'll ever be."

"…Don't tell anyone, Dal…"

"Of course I won't. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, Dems."

"…Dal?"

"What?"

"…I still might. So don't be surprised if… I find a way."

"…Demi. if you abort your baby, that's on you. I love you and I'm here for you no matter what you decide. But I'M not going to be part of it."

"Thanks, Dal."

"….Just think about it some more."

"I will…"

Dallas kisses my forehead and leaves my room.

I sit here alone again.

I still need to find a way to have an abortion. I have to find someone to sign for me or I have to find a home way to do it.

I'm not having a baby. I can't.

Please don't think I'm selfish for wanting this. Just… hear me out.

If I have a baby, my life is over. I'm affecting me. I'm affecting my future. I'm affecting my career. If I don't have a career, I can't provide for the baby. And what if I did have it? The media would just be all over me. And let's not forget my Thing. There is no way in hell that I'd be able to completely stop my Thing for nine whole months. The baby would be harmed. It'd come out retarded or defected. I'd never forgive myself for that. Yeah, I want a baby someday. But…. Someday whenever I'm clean. I'm clean off drugs. And Joe's going on tour. I can't expect him to put his life on hold for the baby. He'd still have to go. I'd ruin everyone's life. I can't have this baby.

And I'm not telling Joe. I can't tell Joe.

I don't want a baby right now.

I'm having an abortion one way or another.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I really want to spend time with Demi today.

I hope if I call her this time, she'll actually answer.

I try.

I call her and wait. She picks up this time.

"Hello…?" She sounds rundown.

"…Babe? What's wrong?"

"Nothing Joe… I'm just… tired."

"…Oh. So you don't want me to come over?"

"Today's not a good day, Joe."

"Why don't you wanna see me?"

"It's not that I don't want to, Joe. It's just… I have a lot going on. How did your meeting go?"

"It went okay. We're starting the tour in August. Gonna end it in October. Or we can start it in March and end it in May. Whichever one we decide on. The summer sounds better, though."

"…I wish you can do it in the springtime…"

"Why?

"I dunno… just get it overwith."

"Oh…. So how did your appointment go?"

"…It went okay."

"Don't lie to me Demi."

"I'm not!"

"Calm down, Babe… calm down."

"Sorry…"

"…Demi. there's something you're not telling me…"

"Just drop it Joe!"

I sigh. I'm not gonna drop it. "Demi… what is the matter with you? I hate it when you hide things from me. it's annoying. It makes me not want to trust you."

"You'll hate me if I tell you so let's just drop it." I can tell that she's crying.

"…I could never hate you, babe. Ever. Whatever it is, we'll get through it… you gotta tell me though."

"Joe… I'm sorry." She's sobbing.

"…What, Demi?"

"I'm so sorry…. I don't even know what to do…."

"What is it, Demetria?"

"….Joe."

"Demi."

"I… I went to the doctor's today. and…. I couldn't get birth control."

Seriously? That's what she's crying about? She can't get birth control?

"…Um… okay." I don't see why that'd be such a big deal.

"No, Joe. not okay."

"Okay… but uh…. I don't know why that's a big deal, babe…"

"They couldn't give it to me cause I'm pregnant…."

I feel like I've just been slapped. Hard. Across my face.

"…Y…You're what?"

"….I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry Joe…"

"….I…." I don't know what to say. I've already started to cry. What else can I do?

"…I'm getting an abortion, though. Don't worry about it…" She is crying so hard I can barely understand her.

"….I… I'm…" I sniff my own tears back. "I'm coming over, baby… just wait.." I hang up on her.

I throw my phone against the wall and it shatters. I don't even care.

What the fuck? Dem's pregnant? Oh man. I really fucked up. I REALLY fucked up. Oh FUCK. I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT A CONDOM. FUCK…

I throw myself onto my bed and yank at my hair while my tears fall. FUCK.

Even worse yet… she's getting an abortion. She's pregnant with my baby and she's getting an abortion.

Fuck. How could I be so STUPID?! I should've pulled out. I should've… I should've… FUCK IM AN ASSHOLE.

…I can't let her abort my baby.

I really fucking hate myself right now. She's pregnant. She's PREGNANT. With a baby. MY baby. OUR baby.

And she's aborting it?

I… I can't let her abort my baby. I swat my tears away. Damn, I hate myself. What did I do to her?!

"I gotta talk her out of it. I can't let her kill our baby." I mumble to myself.

I shove my feet into my shoes and leave out of the house. I drive to Demi's.

I love our baby… she can't kill it.

Can she?


	15. Just Shut Up

**Joe's Point of View.**

I make it to Demi's house in fifteen minutes. It took me ten to pull myself together.

I wonder if her parents know. They can't possibly know. Did she tell them? I'd better keep my mouth shut just in case.

I walk up to their front door and knock. It takes a while lot in me to not cry.

Neither one of her parents answers the door; Dallas does.

"…Hey, Joe." She greets me. The look on her face tells me that she knows, and she doesn't know if I do. I can see that.

She steps aside and lets me inside the house. I shoot her a glance to let her know that I know and head up to Demi's room. As soon as I'm out of her view, I let a couple of tears fall.

I don't know. I don't know what we're going to do. But what I do know is that I can't let Demi do anything stupid. I don't want her to do something she'll regret.

I don't even knock on the door to Demi's room. I just walk right in. She isn't in her bed. She isn't anywhere to be found in her room.

"…Demi?"

I shut her bedroom door behind me and look in her bathroom. She's sitting on the floor next to the toilet. She is crying.

"…Demi. Babe…" I walk into the bathroom with her and sit beside her.

She looks up from the toilet at me. "..I'm so sorry, Joe." She sniffs and returns back to the toilet. Her shoulders hunch up and she throws up the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

"No, babe. No… don't be sorry. Don't be sorry…" I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her as she keeps her face in the toilet. "Don't be sorry… it's not your fault."

She sniffs again and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. She shuts the toilet lid and flushes it. She's still crying, and it kills me to see her so upset. She shifts her weight and lies down against my chest. I hold her so tight and I don't ever want to let her go.

"…What are we gonna do? …You didn't tell anybody, did you?" She asks. She slings her arm across my chest and holds onto me as if she needs support.

"No, baby. I didn't tell anyone. And I won't tell anyone unless you want me to." I stroke her arm. I just want her to calm down.

"…Will you sign for me?" She sniffs.

"Sign what?" We're talking in light whispers and it's really calming. I don't want her to stress anymore.

"For me to get the abortion… I need someone over eighteen to sign for me…"

"…You're serious?" My voice goes from light whisper to regular, stern and very very harsh.

"Yes, Joe! I don't want a… we can't take care of one… what are we gonna do with a…" She stumbles over her words, but I can tell she's very serious.

"It's a BABY, Demi. It's a just little baby. OUR little baby." I can feel myself getting angrier.

"We can't have it, Joe! You're going on tour… and I'm… not clean. Joe, we can't. … If you don't sign for me, I'll ask Trace. He'll do it…"

I want to slap her. I really, really, REALLY want to slap Demi across her face.

I stand up and leave her lying on the floor. "…If you… if you KILL my baby… with HIS consent… I will…. I WILL kill him. And I will NEVER talk to you again. Do not KILL my baby. If you don't want it, fine. Have it and give it to me. I'LL take care of it. But you WILL NOT kill our baby. And you WILL NOT do anything to hurt it. That's not just your baby, Demi. It's MINE too."

She pulls her knees into her chest and just sobs. She doesn't say anything else to me. She just cries. She sniffs and cries hard into her knees. Her shoulders are heaving and she hiccups often.

"…How a… are w…we…we gonna kee..keep a… a…." She chokes out through her sobs.

"WE CAN DO IT, DEMI. Me and you… we can do it. How could you even THINK about that? It's not like I raped you and got you pregnant. It's not like HE got you pregnant. We made this baby out of love… how could you think that killing it is okay? What if it's a little boy? He probably already loves his mommy. He's counting on you ALREADY to protect him… what if it's a baby girl? She could look like you… She could sing like you… Demi. I don't even… understand how you could think about killing our baby…"

"Joe, I can't have a kid. Joe… I can't stop getting high for nine months. I don't want to hurt the thing. And the MEDIA… wait until they get a load of this. And what about your tour? You can't just NOT go…"

"All the excuses you're giving me are bullshit excuses, Demi. It's all bullshit. You can't stop getting high? Guess what? As long as you have MY BABY - and you better start calling it a baby. But as long as you have my baby inside of you, you WILL stop getting high. FUCK THE MEDIA. Fuck what they have to say. Fuck em. It's OUR life. Not theirs. And who cares about my tour? Who cares? I'll drag you and the baby along if I need to. Come up with more excuses, Demi. Because the ones you gave me are horse shit."

"….I don't want a kid right now…"

Well now I'm feeling like shit.

I go over to her and lift her up. I cradle her in my arms and lay her on her bed. I lie beside her and kiss her cheek.

"…I'm really sorry, babe. It's my fault… I… I wasn't thinking. I should've pulled out. Or… I shouldn't have done it at all without one. I really am sorry, Demi." I kiss her cheek a bunch more times. I owe her an apology. It really is my fault.

I'm not done, though. "Demi… it was an accident. And I'm SORRY. But it's not the baby's fault. It isn't the baby's fault. It's our fault. Why should we punish the baby for the mistakes we made?"

"I don't know…"

"Exactly."

"….Still don't tell anyone. I don't want to tell anyone yet."

"We have to tell our parents, Demi."

"JOE DON'T."

"I won't. But we DO have to…"

"I will whenever I'm ready."

"Alright." I get up from her bed to make her more comfortable. I start by taking off her shirt. "How pregnant are you? What did the doctor tell you?"

She sits up to help me out with undressing her. "In a couple days, it'll be a month. I'll be a month."

I unstrap her bra and grab a clean t-shirt. "Can you feel anything?" I put the shirt over her head.

She pulls the shirt down over herself. "It feels like there's like… some butterflies flying around in there. Or a fish… it feels weird."

I move on and pull down her pants. "When do you go back to the doctor's?"

"In two weeks." She pulls on a pair of shorts.

"Can I come?" I sit next to her on the bed.

"Of course…" She lies down across my lap.

"Did the doctor give you anything?"

"She put in a prescription for some vitamins. It's down at CVS. I didn't go pick it up."

"I'll go get it for you." I grab her leg and bring it up to me. I grab her foot and start rubbing it.

"I just wonder what it's doing. Like… is it just chillin? Waiting for food?" She relaxes.

"When's the last time you ate?" I bring her foot up to my mouth and kiss it softly.

"…Last night. I had some chicken…"

"Demi!"

"WHAT?!"

"You're eating for two… you gotta eat more!"

"I'm not hungry…"

"I don't care. You've gotta eat something. You gotta feed my baby. Order something. I'll pay for it. I'm gonna go grab your medicine down at the pharmacy. When I get back, you're gonna eat something and take your medicine." I kiss her other foot.

"Joe… you're overdoing it."

"Demetria, I want a healthy baby. Now just relax here. I'll be right back. And order something to eat!" I get up and leave her room. I hear her giggle as I leave.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I guess I'm okay with keeping the kid – erm, baby.

Put it this way, I'm not ecstatic to be keeping it. But I care about it. Like… I don't want to hurt it or anything. But if something happened and I had a miscarriage right now, I wouldn't be sad.

I'm happy that Joe didn't run. He really is a good a man. If he ran from me and the baby, I probably wouldn't mind. I'd just get an abortion and be on with my life. Maybe he'd want me back after I got rid of it. But the fact that he didn't run is just amazing to me. The fact that he wants to keep the… baby is amazing. Joe is amazing.

I know I probably can't feel anything more than the weird fluttery feeling, but I need to feel that right now.

Like I said, I do care about it. I don't want to hurt it. I need to feel it move, so that I know it's okay.

I put my hand on my stomach and shake it violently. I don't feel a flutter.

"Hey. Come on. I know you're in there… you've been bugging me all morning." Why am I talking to it? I'm losing my mind.

I shake my stomach again. Still no flutter.

I reach down and look into my underwear. No blood.

…You know what's weird? The fact that I care.

I get up, grab my laptop and sit back on my bed. I start it up.

While I wait for it to load up, I call the Chinese food place. Chinese sounds REALLY good. I lo mien, general tso's chicken, an egg roll, bourbon chicken, orange chicken, fried rice and fried shrimp. I really am hungry.

When my laptop is started up, I click on Google. I search up "abortion procedure." I'm just curious to know how they do it.

I click on the first search result and read up on the topic. "There are two kinds of abortion procedures. The most common is an aspiration abortion. During an aspiration abortion, your health care provider will prep and open your cervix. You may have the option to be sedated, allowing you to be awake but deeply relaxed. After your cervix is prepped and opened, a small tube is inserted into your vagina and a small, handheld suction device is handled by the provider. You will be given antibiotics to prevent infection. The suction device gently empties your uterus. An aspiration abortion typically lasts 5-10 minutes."

I blink after reading that paragraph, and a tear falls from my eye.

It sounded like a good idea at the time… but I don't think I'd ever be able to do that…. I'd never be able to do that…

I sit up in my bed and sniff. I don't want to admit it, but I really am happy that I didn't do it. I still don't want the baby, but I'm glad I didn't do that…

I swipe the tears away from my face and grab the pamphlet on fetal development. I flip to the second page. The page is entitled "First Trimester Fetal Development." I read the section on the first month.

I read, "At the end of the first four weeks of pregnancy, your baby is one fourth of an inch long. Your baby's heart, digestive system, backbone and spinal cord have already started to develop. The placenta has already started to develop. Your baby is now 10,000 times larger than it was at conception, but still smaller than a thumbnail."

So… the thing already has a heart? But it's the size of my thumbnail. How does it already have a heart?

That's mind blowing to me.

I get up from my bed to grab something to drink. I'm really thirsty. Plus, Joe should be back soon.

It really sucks to walk around my parents and know that I have a really huge secret that I'm keeping from them. It makes me feel lousy. But I'll tell them soon. Right after I go back to the doctor's. I just gotta figure out how I'll tell them.

I run down the steps as I usually do. Bad… BAD idea.

My left foot slips up when I'm two steps away from the landing of the steps, and I slide down the last two steps on my ass. Ouch.

My elbow is really the only thing that hurts because I used it to break my fall. I'm a little slow getting up.

"…What did you DO?!" Someone from the top of the steps yells at me.

"DEMI WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

I think it's Dallas. I turn my head back and look up the steps. It is Dallas.

She runs down the steps to me, angry as hell.

"ARE YOU STUPID?!"

"…Dal, what are you talking about?" I turn my arm and examine my elbow.

"DEMI, I COULD KILL YOU! GET UP! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!"

"What did I do?!" I'm so confused.

"MOM! DAD!" She screams.

"DALLAS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I brace myself using the railing of the steps and get up.

"WHY WOULD YOU THROW YOURSELF DOWN THE STEPS LIKE THAT?! ARE YOU STUPID?! I KNOW YOU WERENT HAPPY, BUT JESUS DEMI!"

"What are you talking about?"

Oh. It's clear to me. OH NO.

"MOM! DAD! GET DOWN HERE NOW! GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I KILL HER!"

"Dallas, shut UP! It's not like that… I really fell."

She thinks I did it on purpose. She thinks that I really did that just to hurt the baby.

"What is the matter with you two?!" My mom screams at us as she walks from the kitchen to the steps. My dad is at the top of the steps now.

"DEMI IS SO STUPID! I'M GONNA KILL HER!"

"Mom, don't listen to her it's just a big misunderstanding." I'm panicked now. Oh my god. She's gonna tell.

"BULLSHIT DEMI. YOU'RE SO STUPID. I KNOW YOU WEREN'T HAPPY ABOUT IT BUT JESUS CHRIST. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!"

"Do what, Dallas?" My dad grumbles from the top of the stairs.

"Dallas, shut UP! I just fell! I didn't do it on purpose!"

"What's going on you two?!" My mom is yelling now, too.

"OH YEAH RIGHT DEMI! YOU DID IT ON PURPOSE! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU JUST RUN DOWN THE STEPS!?"

"SHUT UP!" I scream at her.

If she doesn't shut up, I'm busted. And I'm gonna kill her.

"I'm not kidding, Mom! You need to take her to the doctor or something!" Dallas turns to my mom.

I want to choke her so bad right now.

"WHY WOULD DEMI FALL DOWN THE STEPS ON PURPOSE?!" My dad yells. His yell is the loudest. His yell is overbearing.

"Because she's an idiot, Dad! She wasn't happy about it!"

"Happy about WHAT, Dallas?!" My mom is irritated.

"Dallas, don't you dare!" I want to KILL her. Just fucking LISTEN to me for once.

"She wasn't happy that she's pregnant so now she's trying to get rid of it! She fell on purpose!"

I'm busted.

And I could kill my sister.

You wonder why I don't like Dallas?

Because she's a fucking moron.

I look at my mom.

Her face is pale, like she's seen a ghost.

I look at my dad.

His eyes are wide.

And in the pit of my stomach, I feel the familiar flutter.


	16. Fault

**Demi's Point of View.**

I could KILL my sister right now. I really could. But as pathetic as it is, I can't move. I feel nauseous. The flutter in my stomach is making me really sick.

"Dallas." I really can't believe she just did that. I cannot believe she did that.

"….WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S PREGNANT?!" My dad screams down the steps at me. This is it. I didn't want them to find out like this. I wanted to tell them…

"She wanted to get an abortion… she asked me to sign for it and I told her no…."

"DALLAS, SHUT UP! I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO FIND OUT LIKE THIS! I WAS GONNA TELL THEM MYSELF!" I'm crying. I sniff and wipe my face. I just really want to crawl into a hole and hide right now.

"…Abortion?" My mom finally speaks. She's obviously talking to me, because she steps closer to me.

I look at the ground and cry some more. I really can't believe Dallas did that to me.

"Were you going to get an abortion, Demetria?" My mom is in my ear. Her voice is in a tone that she hasn't spoken to me in, in a really long time. She's furious.

"…I'm really sorry, Mom… I… I didn't want you guys to find out like this… I… I was just going to do what's best…" It's hard for me to talk whenever I have my throat closing up on me. I feel… weird.

"….You were going to get an abortion?" My mom closes her eyes.

"LET HER! I'LL SIGN THE DAMN PAPERS. MAYBE SHE'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE SHE OPENS HER LEGS TO PEOPLE. YOU WANT AN ABORTION? I'LL TAKE YOU DEMETRIA!" My dad is screaming.

I really wish he'd stop talking. I wish he'd stop screaming. My head is pounding right now. I have enough to deal with without him yelling at me.

You ever have an anxiety attack? Where your vision gets all blurry and you don't know which way is up?

Even more scary, I don't feel the flutter in my stomach.

"….I'm sorry…" I mumble. I can't stay here. I have to throw up.

My parents aren't done yelling at me, but I don't care. I bolt to the nearest bathroom and puke my brains out into the toilet. I'm afraid I'm gonna puke the baby out.

I rest my forehead on the toilet seat and breathe. I really don't feel good.

But of course, I'm not off the hook. My mom comes in the bathroom with me and sits down on the floor beside me. She kicks the door shut.

"…So let's talk, kid…" She seems calm. She's crying a little bit, which makes me sad. The last thing I ever wanted to do was disgrace my parents.

"…I'm really sorry… I…" I can't get a full sentence out before I'm throwing up into the toilet again.

"….Why, Demi?... why would you do this to yourself?" She grabs my wavy hair and pulls it back for me while I throw up.

I sniff and spit into the toilet. "I… I didn't mean it. I don't even want it. It was one time… ONE time without a condom."

"I figured you were. You were too upset coming out of the doctor's office today." She sniffs some tears back.

"Mommy, I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to do. Like… I don't wanna be pregnant. There were so many things I wanted to do before I had a family… It was only one time…"

"IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME, DEMI. I… I can't believe you. I thought you were so much smarter than this. I raised you to be smarter. I'm proof of what happens when you start a family too young." She holds her head.

"You weren't young, mom… you were 26 when you had Dallas."

"Still too young, Demetria. I can't believe you…"

"I messed up, mom. I messed up REALLY bad. and I don't know what to do…"

"You don't know what to do?"

"I don't know what to do, mom…"

"I'll tell you what you're NOT gonna do. You're not gonna abort this baby. You know how I feel about that. You KNOW how I feel about that, Demi."

"I wasn't thinking… I just wanted an easy way out."

She scoots over to me and cradles me in her arms like she used to when I was a baby. When I used to come home upset because they called me fat or something, she used to hold me like this.

"I think… you are so stupid. I really think you're a dumbass. But you have to live with it, Dems. You have to live with your stupid decision. You're gonna be a mother now. No matter what happens, you're gonna be somebody's mommy. Whether you keep it, give it up for adoption, had an abortion, or even miscarry; you're still gonna be someone's mom." She strokes my sweaty hair.

"…Well I can't get an abortion. Joe said he'd kill me if I did…"

"So it IS Joe's baby?"

"…Of course it is, mom!" I can't believe she just asked me that.

"Oh thank god. I might have actually let you get the abortion if it was Trace's."

I laugh at her. "So I should probably get up… Joe's coming back soon."

"Where'd he go?" She stands up and helps me up off the floor.

"He went to grab my prenatal vitamins. And he went to pick up my food."

"When's your next appointment, honey?"

"In two weeks I have to go back to Dr. Lake. But that's only because she was worried that I was gonna get an abortion. I don't think it's a real doctor's appointment."

"I gotta get you an OBGYN. We gotta go get you some bloodwork done… make sure this baby is okay…"

"…Mom?"

"Yes?"

"…Thank you."

"No problem, baby girl." She pats my butt.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

"These pills are freaking huge, babe. How are you supposed to swallow them?" I sit on the couch next to Demi in her living room. The pills that I had to pick up for her are circular and orange. They're literally the size of a bottle cap.

"…I don't know. I guess I'll break it up or something…" She shakes a little bit of soy sauce onto her rice. She has A LOT of food on her plate.

"If I put my hand on your stomach, can I feel something?" I scoot over towards her some more.

She sucks up a noodle of lo mien. "I don't know… probably not."

I comb my fingers through her hair. "So when are we telling our parents?"

"…Mine already know…" She wipes her mouth and speaks softly.

"…What? I thought you didn't wanna tell them yet…"

"I didn't. I wasn't gonna tell them for a while. But I fell down a couple steps earlier and Dallas swore I did it on purpose and she told."

"What do you mean you fell down steps, Demi?!" I spring up off the couch really fast and look at her.

"I forgot about the baby for a second. I was like… happy. And when you left, I ran down the steps to get a drink and I slid down the last two steps. It's no big deal." She chews a piece of chicken.

"You have to tell me these things, Demi! Is the baby okay? Are you bleeding?"

"Joe, I'm fine. It's fine. It's still swimming around, enjoying this Chinese food. It was only two steps. And I slid on my ass. I didn't fall face first."

"…Okay. But seriously, Demi. You have to tell me these things… I don't want either one of you getting hurt." I sit back down next to her and kiss her lips. "I love you."

"I love you too." She bites into an egg roll. This is the most I've ever seen her eat before.

"So… we should go tell my parents today, too. Since yours already know…" I grab one of her feet again and rub it.

"I can only take one disappointment a day. Tomorrow?"

"Why should we put it off?" I kiss her foot again.

"…I don't know. But I don't want to tell them today. Please no."

"I think we should tell them now, baby. I just feel like if we keep waiting, it'll be worse." I plant a bunch of soft kisses all down her feet.

"…Whatever. Just promise me you'll take me home if your parents have anything negative to say about it. I don't want to sit in a house where people hate me."

"They won't hate you, Demi."

She rolls her eyes at me.

I hate when Demi's angry with me. I hate when she has an attitude. "Do you want to just stay over my house tonight?" I lean up and lie between her legs. I rest my head against her stomach.

"I guess…" She sips a can of Pepsi. "What are we gonna do when the baby's actually born? Just switch back and forth between houses?"

"We'll worry about that when we get there." I stroke my hands across her stomach.

"If you want me to stay at your house, you'd better get up so I can go pack my things."

"As you wish." I get up off her and clean up her area.

After I clean up Demi's food, I follow her upstairs to her room. I'm not safe, though. I walked past her parents' room. They saw me.

"Joe? Will you come in here for a second, please?" Her mom calls me.

Demi stops and looks at me. I sigh.

"Don't say anything stupid, babe. I'll be in as soon as I pack my things." She kisses my lips.

"Mmmkay." I mumble.

She goes into her room and I go into her parents' room.

"Hi, Joe… Nice to see you again." Her mom greets me warmly.

I shake her hand. "You too, Miss Dianna."

"You might want to sit down. You know we've got some things to talk about." Her dad speaks to me.

I take a seat in the computer chair next to their bed. "…Yeah. We need to talk…"

"….So how'd this happen?" Her mom starts.

I take a deep breath. I shrug. "It was… heat of the moment. We weren't even thinking about that… we just…" I try to explain it, but I can't.

"Do you and Demetria understand the… severity of the issue?" Her dad doesn't seem too happy.

"I don't know about her. But yes sir. I understand. I understand completely. I understand that this is going to be a big responsibility for us. I understand that… whatever happens to the baby is on our shoulders. I understand."

Eddie speaks again. "You understand that we aren't asking anything of you, right? We're not forcing you to stick around for the baby. We don't need anything from you. We don't want you to feel obligated to stay with her for the baby."

I'm a little irritated right now. But I have to remember to keep it cool. "…With all due respect sir, I WANT to be around our baby. I WANT to help Demi raise it. I WANT to be in the baby's life. Nobody's forcing me to… be with Demi. I LOVE her. I hope to marry her someday. I really do love her. I don't feel obligated. If I didn't want our baby, I would've signed the papers for her to get an abortion, like she asked me to…"

"We're both very glad you feel that way, Joe. We really are." Her mom nods at me as if she approves.

"When do you plan on telling your parents about this?" Her dad asks.

"Sometime today. I asked her to stay the night over my house tonight, and we'll tell them tonight."

Demi walks into the room with her bookbag packed up. She sits on my lap and puts her bag down on the floor next to us. I reach my hand up and stroke her legs.

"Demi? How do you feel about telling Joe's parents?" Dianna asks her.

Demi shrugs. "I don't know… it has to be done."

"Do you two have any… plans for when the baby's born? I know that you're supposed to be going on tour, Joe." Her dad comments.

"Dad, that's not for a while. He doesn't know when he's -"

I interrupt Demi. "I haven't talked to my dad about it yet, but I think we're going to tour while Demi's still pregnant. And if she wants to, she can come on the tour with us. After I tell my parents, I don't think they'd make me go touring after the baby's born."

"That's not going to work. She's pregnant. She doesn't need to be on the road. She needs to be here with her doctor."

Her dad is really pissing me off today. "Then I won't tour. I'll stay here. I don't want to leave her." I pinch the bridge of my nose. Demi rubs my hand.

"That won't work either, now will it? How are you going to provide for a baby if you don't work?"

"….I don't know. I can choose to tour after the baby's born. Then she and the baby can both come with me."

"She's going to be a first time mom, do you really think it'll be wise to drag a baby and a new mom all over the country?"

I sigh hard. He's not giving me much to work with here.

"Dad, just leave him alone. It's going to be our baby. We'll figure it out. If I have to tour with him with the baby, I will. It's OUR baby. I can do whatever I want to do with it. You're not giving him much credit. He's just trying to please me and you. Leave him alone. Why can't you just be glad that he's staying with me?" Demi stands up for me. She holds my hand and massages my fingers.

"I'm just thinking realistically here, Demi."

"Well don't, dad. Don't think realistically. The last thing I need is to be more stressed out than I already am."

"You put yourself in this situation, Demetria. Don't mouth off to me."

"I'm not mouthing off! It's just annoying because everything is his fault to you!"

"It's always been his fault, Demi! Everything IS his fault!"

"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? HE DIDN'T FORCE ME TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM!"

"No, but he could've easily used a condom."

"AND I COULD'VE BEEN ON BIRTH CONTROL! It's not his fault, Dad."

Demi gets off my lap and grabs her bag. "Let's go, Joe. I need to get out of here."

I get up from the chair slowly and hold her hand.

"I'm staying over Joe's. I'll come back whenever you don't piss me off." She snaps at her dad.

We walk down the steps and out the door.

"…I'm really sorry, baby. I love you… and I'm sorry that he has to act that way." She turns to me and kisses me on my lips.

I kiss her back. "I love you too, babe. And don't worry about it. It's not your fault. …I don't really blame him. I'd hate me too if I had sex with my daughter."

"He's just so fucking dumb."

"Don't say that, babe."

We both get into the car. I drive the way to my house.

I can only imagine what MY parents will say.


	17. I Think

**Demi's Point of View.**

We get to Joe's house in normal time. I'm still completely pissed off at my dad. It just irritates me how he thinks everything is Joe's fault. Part of me wishes he was there the day we had sex. Just so he could see that Joe was reluctant to have sex with me. I was the one that pursued him, it wasn't the other way around. I just wish he'd leave Joe alone.

"It's gonna be okay, babe. It's gonna be okay. I won't let them say anything bad to you." Joe whispers to me as we stand on his porch, hesitant to go inside.

"…What if they don't like it? What if they tell me to leave?" I look down at the ground sheepishly. I'm scared to tell them. I'm starting to cry.

"Woah… woah. Demi… don't cry." He wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead. "I'll never let them say anything rotten to you. It's gonna be okay. You have me." He keeps his arms around my waist and keeps kissing my forehead.

Off in the distance, I can see the paparazzi taking pictures of me and Joe's cuddling on his porch. It doesn't bother me much, I just wish we had some privacy. It makes me worry about how it's gonna be when I have the baby. Are they gonna take pictures of the baby? Are they going to be all in the baby's face?

"Why don't we head in?" Joe rubs my lower back and looks at the cameras at the end of his driveway.

"…They're annoying, aren't they?" I trace his eyes to the paparazzi.

"They really are. But it's their job…"

"I wonder what it's gonna be like when the baby comes… they're gonna be all over it."

"Not if I have anything to do with it. They won't touch my baby. They won't have anything to do with my baby." He kisses my lips.

I smile at him. "Let's go inside."

He opens the door to his house and we go inside. I'm nervous, but I'm ready to just get it over with.

"Mom…. Dad… Where are you guys?" Joe yells when we step inside.

I kick off my shoes and put my book bag down in the hallway.

"We're in the living room, Joe. What's all the ruckus about?" Denise calls back to him.

Joe grabs my hand and leads me to the living room with him. I take a deep breath.

"Oh. Hi, Demi. Are you staying here tonight, honey?" Denise smiles at me.

I just nod at her.

"Dad, shut off the TV. I have something serious I need to talk to you guys about."

"What is it, Joseph? The game's on." Paul mumbles.

"…It's really serious, Dad. It's really important. Turn the TV off…"

Paul sighs and clicks the TV off using the remote. I feel like I need to throw up again.

"Where's Kevin, Nick and Frankie?" Joe asks.

"They're over grandma's house helping grandpa paint the shed. Why?" Denise answers.

"Because I'm not ready for them to hear this." Joe takes a deep breath.

"Well don't keep us waiting. Tell us already, Joe."

Joe sits beside me and holds my hand really tight. He strokes my knuckles, which makes me calm down a little bit.

"Well… here it goes." Joe starts. It's so quiet that I can hear a pin drop.

He keeps rubbing my knuckles. "…I kinda… well…" He clears his throat. "I got Demi pregnant…"

I wince a little bit. That didn't sting too badly. I look at Denise's face. She doesn't seem too phased by it. She seems like she was expecting it. Paul looks like he's been slapped.

"…So… yeah. That's the deal…" Joe sighs.

It's still quiet in the room. I feel like I'm going to cry. I can only hear myself breathing.

"…How did you let this happen? …Demi. What did you let him do to you, honey?" Denise gets up and comes over to me. "What did you let him do?"

I put my face into my hands and start crying. I can't hold it in anymore. "I don't know… I don't know…"

She pulls me in to a tight hug and rubs my back. "Joe what did I tell you about her?! I told you about this. You don't listen to me! What did you do to her?!"

"Mom… it was an accident. A really big accident. I didn't have protection on me…"

"SO THEN YOU DON'T DO IT. She's only seventeen, Joe. I can't believe you did this to her…" Denise strokes my hair and lets me cry on her.

"I didn't mean to, mom. I feel so bad already. But I'm gonna be here for her."

"Damn right you're gonna be here for her." Paul finally says. "You aren't leaving her. You think you're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to be a man and take care of your responsibility."

"I know, dad. I know…"

"So what do you want to do now, Joseph?"

"About what, Dad?"

"About your career. Your career isn't first anymore. Demi and that baby are first. What do you want to do about the tour?"

"I just don't know yet, Dad. I mean, either way it goes, I'm going to be bringing extra people on the tour. If we do it in the spring, Demi will still be pregnant. But in the summer, I might need to bring the baby too…"

"Demi, what do YOU think is best?" Paul asks me.

"….I don't know. It'd probably be easier for me to be pregnant and go on tour. Instead of touring with a newborn. But I don't know…"

"You have to do what's best for the baby at this point." Denise says softly.

"Mom, don't say that to her. She's still a little confused…" Joe stops her.

"…What do you mean confused?"

I wipe tears from my face. "…I wanted an abortion, at first."

"….No. You're kidding, right?"

"I'm sorry… it seemed like a good idea at the time…"

"Well we're glad you didn't, Demi." Paul says.

I am so glad that Joe's parents are so understanding. I mean, I can tell that they are disappointed. But to be honest, I expected that. I expected them to be a little disappointed. I'm just glad that they're not calling me a whore and stuff. That would really suck.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

Telling my parents was easier than I thought it would be. My mom is disappointed in me, but my dad is dead set on me being a man and taking care of the baby. Of course I'll take care of the baby. I already love it.

After we tell my parents, me and Demi go upstairs to my room to relax.

I turn on my TV and sit in my bed. Demi sits next to me and lies on my chest.

"So that was easy…" She says.

"It was too easy." I agree with her and rub her back.

"Now that our parents know… what's next on the agenda?" She looks up at me and asks.

She's so beautiful. "Well… maybe we should tell the media?"

"Oh my GOD, no."

I laugh. "We have to tell them sometime, babe. We should be the ones to tell."

"I guess you're right. But not yet… can we just wait a little bit?"

"Of course we can wait." I kiss her hand.

She smiles at me. "So what are you hoping for?" She asks.

"Of course I want a boy. What do you want?"

"I don't care what it is, as long as it's healthy."

"I can't believe we're having a baby… it's… surreal."

"I can't believe it either." She sighs. "So how would we tell the media?"

"I don't know. I was thinking along the lines of twitter. Of course people are gonna have some shit to say about it, but who cares?"

"…Yeah."

I kiss her softly on her lips. "I love you, Demi. I love you and our baby."

"Love you too…"

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I have a real doctor's appointment today.

Today's the day I get to meet the woman who's going to deliver the baby. I don't know what to expect, but I'm open minded to anything.

The appointment I had with Carly wasn't anything special. She just gave me a refill on the prenatal vitamins and told me how happy she was that I decided to keep it. I'm well over a month pregnant now. Almost two months…

I wake up at 9:45 in the morning today. I don't know what's going to happen at the doctor's today, but I want to be clean and prepared.

When I get out of bed, I go into my bathroom to take a shower.

I have noticed my body changing. When I take off my shirt, there is a tiny bump protruding between my hips. It's really small, and it's not noticeable when I have clothes on. But when I take a shower, I can see it. It's weird. My boobs are changing too. They're growing a little, but aside from that, they're really tender. It sounds gross, but my nipples are ALWAYS hard. It's really annoying. Even when I'm not horny or cold, they're hard. It's just… weird. Pregnancy is a weird thing.

I wash everything on my body and do my stomach last. I always wash my belly last. I have to take good care of the baby's house.

I clean my belly button thoroughly and get out. I dry myself off and pull on a pair of underwear. I'm starting to outgrow my bras, so Dallas let me borrow one of hers until I can go maternity shopping. I put on the bra and a baggy t-shirt. I can still fit into my jeans, but they're really uncomfortable. I prefer leggings, so I pull on a pair of black leggings and slide on my flip flops.

These prenatal pills have been working WONDERS for my skin and hair. I haven't had a trace of a pimple in two months and my hair is growing at a disgustingly fast rate. It's almost to my waist now, but I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow morning.

I go downstairs and sit with my mom. She's really crazy about me eating good food for the baby, so I have to eat some breakfast before I leave.

I grab a bowl of Cheerios and throw some banana slices in there too. Healthy.

"Are you ready to go?" My mom asks.

I spoon some Cheerios in my mouth. "Sure."

"We'll go pick Joe up and we'll head to the hospital."

"Okay…" I finish my breakfast and put my bowl in the sink.

I follow my mom out the door and to the car. I sigh hard.

"How's my baby? Is it moving?" My mom asks as she drives to Joe's house.

"No. It's sleeping still." I mumble.

I know the paparazzi are going to be outside of the hospital, asking me what I'm there for. But I don't care. I don't have to answer yet.

My mom beeps the horn outside of Joe house.

In about five minutes, Joe comes outside and gets in the car with us.

"Hi Miss Dianna. Hi both my babies." He greets us when he gets in the car. He kisses me on my cheek and kisses my stomach too.

I smile at him.

We're all silent the rest of the way to the hospital. I'm a little nervous to go to the doctor's. I don't know what to expect.

When we get to the hospital, there are no paparazzi waiting for us. That's amazing. It's my lucky day or something.

Joe holds my hand and we both follow my mom to the second floor where they deliver babies and stuff. I'm so nervous that everything's happening in a daze.

We get to the waiting room and my mom signs me in. I sit next to Joe and play with my fingers. I just wish I knew what was going to happen.

"Calm down, Demi. It's just the doctor's." My mom says.

I sigh and try to calm down.

You ever notice how when you're dreading something, it happens really fast?

Before I get the chance to fully calm down, a tall blonde woman dressed in pink scrubs opens a door. "Demetria?" She calls me back.

I freeze for a second. Joe stands up and so does my mom, but I remain sitting in the chair.

"…Okay." I whisper to myself. Joe helps me up from the chair and we follow the doctor back to her room.

It's a really big room. It's both pink and blue and it's full of posters of babies and fetuses.

I sit down on the exam table. This brings back memories of the day I found out I was pregnant.

"Hi, Demetria. It's really nice to finally meet you. I've been talking to your mother on the phone for a while about you. I'm Jade Anderson. I'm hopefully going to be the doctor that delivers your baby." She smiles at me warmly and shakes my hand.

I relax a little. She seems really young, which makes me nervous. How many babies could she have possibly delivered?

As if she read my mind, she starts talking to me again. "I'm 30 years old. I've been in California for three years. I've been delivering babies since I was 25. I've delivered 137 babies, not counting the one I delivered just this morning…. You seem nervous, honey."

"She is nervous. She just doesn't know what to expect today." My mom speaks for me.

"I understand. I promise I won't hurt you today. I promise." She pats my back.

"You're gonna be okay, babe." Joe assures me.

"Oh, and you must be the baby's father. I've heard about you, too." She shakes Joe's hand.

Jade turns and washes her hands in the sink and pulls on two purple gloves.

"There's no reason for you to be nervous, Demi. All I'm going to do today is gather your medical history, examine you and the baby, take a couple tubes of blood and hopefully give you a due date. The worst part of today will probably be the pelvic exam." She smiles at me.

"…Are you going to violate me?" I ask her.

She laughs a little, "Yes. I'm going to have to violate you. But we'll start with the easy things first. Can you strip down to your bra and underwear for me and step on the scale?"

I nod and take off my clothes. This is violating already. It's degrading. I step on the scale.

"Your starting weight was around 120 pounds. Today, you weigh 125, which is really good." She writes things down and straps a cuff around my arm to take my blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is fairly normal. It's a little high, but probably because you're nervous."

I'm a little relaxed now.

"Any major surgeries?" She asks.

"No."

"Genetic diseases?"

"No."

"Heart problems?"

"No."

"Heart problems in the family?"

"No."

"Medical problems that I should know about?"

"Um…."

"She has a little bit of asthma. But it's not real bad." My mom speaks up.

"Alright. I'm going to send some papers down to your regular heath care provider and you'll answer more extensive questions down there…. Demi, are you afraid of needles?" She asks me.

"…A little…"

"I'm going to take two tubes of blood. I promise I won't hurt you that bad. I promise."

"…Okay."

"Let me see your left arm, please."

I hand her my left arm.

She uses an alcohol pad and wipes the fold of my forearm clean. She picks up a small butterfly needle and jams it into my forearm. It didn't hurt that bad.

She takes the needle out of my arm and attaches a tube to my arm. I watch as one vile fills up with my blood and then another fills up.

"All done. Told you it wouldn't hurt too bad." She uses gauze and cleans up my arm and straps a band-aid to it. "This isn't too bad, is it? We're almost done…"

I shake my head.

"Let's get the worst part out of the way…"

"Okay…"

"Lay back on the table, please. And take your underwear off for me, honey." She grabs a blue sheet.

I lay down on the table and pull my underwear down a little. She spreads the sheet across my lower half and I kick my underwear off the table. This is so degrading.

"So your family doctor tells me that you're about… a month along. I'll confirm that for you." She's pushing on my stomach really hard. My little flutterer is moving around inside me.

"Open your legs just a little for me."

I spread my legs just a little.

"So are you guys hoping for a particular gender?" She pushes her two fingers inside my vagina and I just feel… VIOLATED.

"Uhhhhhhh…. No… I don't really… care." This is so awkward.

She has two of her fingers inside of me and she's using her one hand to push on my bladder.

"Your baby is nice and low… below your belly button. That means the egg implanted healthily into your uterus." She takes her fingers out and I just want to celebrate.

She takes off the gloves and throws them away. She grabs something out of a cabinet. It looks like a ballpoint pen attached to a speaker.

She hits a switch on the speaker part and pushes the pen part onto my stomach. She moves the pen part all around my belly.

"…There we go." She says to herself. She turns up the volume on the speaker part and I hear it.

Oh my goodness. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my life. I know that I'm pregnant and all, but this just put it into perspective for me. I want to listen to this forever. It's tiny, but it's a little "thump….thump…..thump….thump…"

"…Oh my god…." Joe takes the words right out of my mouth.

"….Mom, do you hear that?!" I ask my mom all excitedly.

"I hear it, Demi. I hear it." My mom smiles too.

"That's always the best part of the first visit, huh?" Jade chuckles as she turns off the speaker part. She puts the little machine away.

"…That was so cute. Oh my gosh. It has a heartbeat!" I exclaim. That was the best feeling that I've felt in a really long time.

Joe rubs my stomach a little, lovingly.

"Last part of today is a due date. Anyone want a due date?" Jade asks.

I nod a lot.

I'm not used to feeling this way. It feels weird to be happy about this. like…. I'm not supposed to want a baby. I'm not supposed to want it. So why am I so addicted to hearing the sound of the baby's heartbeat? Why am I so smiley all of a sudden?

Jade grabs her small computer and pulls up a calendar. "….So I'm thinking your due date is going to be…."

She counts on the computer screen.

"…October 10th, is what it looks like."

"October 10th…" I repeat. The baby's birthday is supposed to be October 10th. Sounds like a beautiful day to me.

"…When will we know what it is? So we can stop calling it an it?" Joe asks.

"…Generally, we find out the gender of a baby around 18-20 weeks. Which is three months along. So… probably in two visits. But that's all dependent upon the position of the baby. I'm not saying anything with certainty, but from what I've seen, if you carry low, like you are, it's usually a boy. But I will be able to tell for sure in about two more visits."

"It's gonna be a boy." My mom teases me.

"…I don't care what it is." I say.

"My parents want a girl really bad. Since we're all boys in my house." Joe tells me.

"Well my parents want a boy. Since we're all girls in my house." I retort.

My little flutterer swims across my belly again.

I think I love the baby.

….excuse that thought.

I _do _love MY baby.

But you know what sucks?

The fact that it's 98 degrees outside, and I'm starting to feel cold.

No thing… no thing.

I refuse to do my thing.

But god, I need it so bad.


	18. So Sorry

**Demi's Point of View.**

When I get home from the doctor's, I sit on the couch and look through the book that Jade gave me. I need to get my head off the Thing.

I flip through the first page of the book. Something about fertilization and implantation. I shudder at that. That's just weird.

I flip to the second page. First month. Baby does this, baby does that.

I'm not interested.

I sigh and grab the other papers that Jade gave me and read through them. I'm two and a half months pregnant. They don't go from the date me and Joe had sex. They go from the date of my last actual period, which was in December. So I'm two and a half months along. It's confusing.

I read the chapter of the book that has to deal with my second month of pregnancy. I read it to myself.

"At ten weeks pregnant, you're already deep into your second month of pregnancy. At ten weeks, your baby's facial features and main organs have already been developed. Your baby now has a brain, fingers, toes and distinct eyelids. Your uterus is already protruding and expanding to accommodate your baby."

I put the book down and check the time. It's 12:25 in the afternoon. Only two more hours until Joe gets home from work.

"Demi, did you take your vitamin today?" My mom asks.

"Yes…" I answer her.

I lie my head down against the couch cushion and try to bear with this headache that's throbbing. My head is hurting so bad in one spot and only one thing can cure it.

My flutterer is moving all around in my stomach. It feels like someone is scratching my stomach from the inside. It really feels weird.

"…Mom told me to bring you this." Dallas sets a cup of yogurt down on the coffee table and stands in front of me.

"Whatever." I haven't spoken a nice word to Dallas since she told, three weeks ago.

"…You can't stay mad at me forever, Demi."

"Maybe not, but I can get pretty close to forever." I snub her.

"Look, I'm sorry. But you have to understand what that was like for me…"

"You could've just shut your fat ass mouth and let me explain."

"…Maybe that's true. But why would I even believe you? You're kind of a liar, Demi."

"Just shut up and leave me alone." She's not making my headache any better.

"…No." She sits down next to me. "I know I messed up, but I'm sorry. I know I should've let you explain. But Demi…. you came to me and told me you wanted an abortion. Then you were all pissed off whenever I told you no. Then the next minute, you're falling down steps. What was I supposed to think?"

"…I don't know. But I didn't do it on purpose, Dallas."

"I know that now. But aren't you happy that mom and dad know?"

"…I guess."

"I'm glad you didn't get the abortion, Dems."

I shrug at her and stir the cup of yogurt.

"…Soo…. Can you feel anything?" She speaks up again. "Are you showing?"

I can't help but crack a smile when we talk about my flutterer.

"…I feel stuff. It feels weird. Like I swallowed a tumbleweed." I grab the reams of my shirt and lift it up for her.

"Oh my god! Demi!" She squeals.

"What?" I laugh.

"You're getting fat! Your belly… look at it!" She puts her hand on the tiny little bulge in my belly.

"…Why are you crying?" I ask her.

"…My baby sister… is having a baby… oh my gosh…" She wipes her tears from her cheeks.

"…Dal. Don't cry. It's not that serious…"

"…I can't help it." She sniffs and brings her face down to my stomach. "Hello in there… Hello. Is it warm in there?" She kisses my stomach.

"Dallas, quit… Don't corrupt my baby." I joke with her.

"I'm talking to MY niece or nephew!"

"You're a weirdo."

"Proud of it, babe." She gets up from the couch. "Well I'm glad we're talking again. And I really am sorry. I gotta go make Maddie some lunch. I'll… talk to you later?"

"Sure thing, Dal." I pull my shirt back down over my bump and lie there.

Dallas was a nice distraction, but my mind is back on my Thing.

I still have this headache, but even worse yet, I'm getting these violent shivers again.

I close my eyes and breathe through it. The baby is moving all around in my stomach but I still can't shake this headache.

I grab my phone. I don't care if Joe doesn't get off work for another hour. I text him.

Me: Babe where are you?

Him: I'm at the studio. Why? Everything ok?

Me: I need to come see you.

Him: Are you sure nothing's wrong?

Me: I'm fine I just need to come see you. Which studio are you in?

Him: Studio C. Text me when you're outside. I'll come get you.

Me: Ok. I love you.

Him: Love you too.

I get up and grab my car keys. I get into my car and immediately speed away towards the studios. It's taking a lot out of me to not grab the bag of Thing from my glove compartment.

I take a shortcut to the studios and make it there in twenty minutes.

Me: I'm outside.

I get out of the car and go to the entrance of the studio. I wait.

In a few minutes, Joe opens the door.

"…Babe, are you okay? What's wrong?" He greets me as soon as he sees me. He's really worried about me, because I never text him at work unless it's urgent.

"I'm fine… I just needed you." Like a baby, I wrap my arms around his waist and lay on his chest.

"…Why, babe? Why? What happened?"

"Just distract me… distract me."

"…Demi are you okay?"

"I'm fine! I just need you to distract me."

"Okay babe. But I only have a half hour until my lunch break is over. Then I have to record again…"

"That's fine."

He holds my hand and leads me into the studio. He's the only one in there.

"Where is everyone?" I ask.

"They all went out to eat for lunch. I stayed here cause I'm not hungry."

"I just need you to distract me, babe." I sit down on the couch in the recording studio.

He sits next to me. "You're okay though… you're okay."

"….You didn't give me a hello kiss." I remind him.

"…Oh. I'm sorry." He smiles and leans in to kiss me.

You know… these pregnancy hormones are… something else.

I lean in to him too and kiss him deeply. He slides his tongue into my mouth and kisses me deeper.

He's got a half hour… and I need a distraction. Plus, my hormones are running wild. We have enough time for something quick.

I don't pull away from his mouth. I slide myself onto his lap, facing him. We kiss passionately.

"…Demi, I don't want to…"

"…Why?"

"You're pregnant…"

"So what… it's not like I can get pregnant again. Come on, Joe."

"….What if I hurt the baby?"

"You won't…"

"…If you say so." He kisses me again and pulls my pants down a little bit. "Lemme know if I hurt you."

"Mhm." I unzip his jeans and pull his dick through the hole in his boxers. These pregnancy hormones got me NEEDING him. I don't know how I feel about this.

I sit on his lap again and he shoves himself inside. Damn, it feels good. And he is so hard.

"Mmmm… I love you babe." He mutters to me. He wraps his arm around my waist and moves me.

I'm not sure if it feels this good because I'm just really horny, or whatever. But it feels AMAZING.

We only have a half hour to do this, but trust me.

In that half hour, we thoroughly enjoy ourselves.

* * *

**Still Demi's Point of View.**

"You want me to come over after I get off work?" Joe stands up and zips his pants.

"Mhm… Just text me when you're on your way." I pull up my sweatpants too.

"I love you, babe." He kisses my cheek.

"Love you too." I say.

"And I love you… I love you too." He coos and kneels down to my stomach.

"Oh, spare me." I shake my head.

He gives my stomach a long kiss. "Daddy'll see you later." He stands back up.

"I'll see you later babe. Call me if you need me again." He gives me a kiss on my lips.

"Sure thing… and… don't tell anybody what we did on that couch." I chuckle as I open the door.

"I won't tell if you don't tell." He winks at me.

I laugh at him and leave out.

Like I said before…

Joe was a nice distraction, but my mind is back on my thing.

I get back into my car with my headache.

I don't pull out of the parking lot yet.

Don't do it. Please don't do it, Demi.

I replay Joe's words inside my head. "You don't need that drug, Demi."

Please don't do it.

I bite down on my lip hard. Please don't do it. Please just leave me alone. Please just go away. PLEASE.

My little flutterer is moving actively in my stomach.

The headache is growing bigger. The need for this is growing stronger. Please don't do it.

I reach over and open my glove compartment. I grab the small sandwich bag full of Thing.

Put it down, Demi. Don't do it…

My flutterer is swimming in circles.

I love my baby more than I love my Thing.

I turn my hand palm up. I shake some of my Thing into my hand.

Don't do it, Demi. For god's sake, DON'T DO IT.

My flutterer is rolling around.

I bite down on my lip so hard and tears dribble down my cheeks. I need this so bad. I really need this.

Have you ever needed something so bad, that you thought you were going to die without it? Maybe you don't smoke cigarettes or whatever. So in better comparison… what if you loved something that was growing inside of your body so much that you weren't sure how to love yourself anymore? What if you loved your baby that much? But what if a doctor told you "stop going on the internet. You can't go on the internet, watch TV or text any of your friends for nine months or your baby will die." Would you be able to do it?

I bring my nose down to the palm of my hand and sniff softly. I don't sniff a lot. I barely sniff any, but I know I sniff some, because my nose tingles a little.

My flutterer stops moving abruptly.

I quickly snap my head up. I look at how much thing is left in my hand. It's barely noticeable that I sniffed any, but I know I did.

My flutterer is still.

I empty my hand into my bag of thing and slam my head against the steering wheel.

I'm so fucking stupid. Why did I sniff any at all? God. GOD I HATE MYSELF.

I cry thick, heavy tears.

Please move, angel. Please move…

I shake my stomach violently.

Please move…

I can't stop crying.

What did I just do?

What did I do to my baby?

Joe's gonna kill me.

"I'm sorry…" I whisper to myself.

I feel like dying. I feel like I failed myself AND my baby.

The only reason that I don't go drive my car off a cliff right now is because of what I feel.

My flutterer starts moving again.

My flutterer is okay.

"…I'm sorry. Mommy's so sorry…" I apologize to my angel.

I rub my stomach.

I love my baby more than I love that Thing.

….i just gotta convince that to my body.


	19. What If It's Not Okay

**Demi's Point of View.**

I can't believe what I did. I feel so low.

I can't tell Joe what I've done. He'd hate me. Hell, even I hate me right now. I just hope to god that my baby is okay.

I finally pull myself together long enough to stop crying and drive home.

My flutterer is swimming all around in my body, which comforts me to know that it's okay.

I'm such an idiot, though. Why would I do that to my baby?

I pull into the driveway of my house and wipe my face off. I'm okay… I'm okay.

I get out of my car and go into the house.

It smells like French fries and chicken nuggets in my house. Dallas must be making something to eat.

"Hey Dems. You hungry?" Dallas asks me from the kitchen.

I wipe away a tear and shake my head. "No… I'm not."

"Okay. Mom told me to make sure you take your pills."

"..Where is mom?" I go into the living room and sit down on the couch.

"She went to the store with dad. They'll be back soon."

"Okay." I skim through the channels and find something to watch on TV. I turn on Spongebob.

"WHY YOU TURN MY CHANNEL, DEMI?!" Madison screams at me. She's holding her plate of chicken nuggets and standing in front of the TV.

"…I didn't know you were watching it. I'm sorry, Mads." I apologize.

"TURN IT BACK! OR I TELL MOMMY THAT YOU BEIN MEAN!"

"Calm down, squirt. I'll turn it back." I turn the channel back to what it was before I turned on Spongebob. Hannah Montana is on.

"Dumb Demi. Why you so stupid…" She sits down and shakes her head at me.

"Madison, apologize to Demi. It's not nice to call people names." Dallas scolds her.

"Her stupid though. So I don't care."

"Stop talking like a baby. You're seven, not three. Be nice or I'm gonna smack your ass."

"Dallas, it's fine. She's okay."

Dallas always disciplines Madison. It kinda bothers me how my mom expects her to. My mom never tells Madison when she's misbehaving. She always expects Dallas to. I mean, I guess it's okay that Dallas punishes her, as long as it doesn't bother her. Still, it's a mom's job to do that.

"She's being a brat." Dallas mutters.

"No, she's being Madison."

"Your kid better not be a brat."

"My kid will get popped in the mouth." I chuckle.

"Dallas, I'm firsty." Madison stands up and says.

"You're THIRsty. And I gave you some juice in your cup." Dallas corrects her.

"I can't drink that. It's not in a sippy cup."

"Madison, you're seven years old. You're not a baby." I come to Dallas's defense.

"Shut up, Demi. You're ugly."

"MADISON BE NICE." Dallas yells at her.

"Calm down, Dal. She's not bothering me…"

"I'm the baby. Not Demi's baby." Madison shakes her head sassily.

"No, you're seven. You're not an infant." I say to her. The difference between me and Dallas is that I talk to Madison in a calmer tone.

"No, I'm the baby." She argues with me.

"No… my baby is the baby. You're seven."

"Nobody's the baby, then!"

"You're still seven, though. And my baby will be the baby."

"NO!"

"Yes."

Maddie gets up and stomps over to me. She bawls her hand up in a fist and smacks her fist against my belly. "NOBODY'S THE BABY!"

"MADISON!" Dallas screams at her and yanks her away from me by her arm.

I won't lie. That hurt a little. I'm not sure what hurt worse, though. I don't know if the actual punch to the stomach hurt more than the fact that my little sister hates my baby. I don't know yet. But either way it goes, I'm hurt.

"Demi, are you okay?" Dallas checks on me.

"I'm fine…"

"What about the baby?"

"It's fine too." That's a lie. My flutterer isn't moving anymore.

I really have to be more careful with my baby. I have to be more careful in my condition before I kill my baby. I already fell down the steps, exposed it to drugs and now Madison just punched it.

I push on my belly hard. "...You okay in there?" I ask my baby.

My flutterer still doesn't move. It stays still in my belly which is making me kind of nervous.

"It isn't moving?" Dallas asks. Her face is pale and sullen. She seems very concerned.

I shake my head. "…No." I pull open my underwear and pants. No blood.

"I'm sure it's okay… she probably just startled it." I add. I rub my stomach softly to comfort it.

"Have you and Joe talked about names yet?" She sits next to me.

"No… it's a little early for that. Don't you think?" I'm still massaging my belly.

"No. You can always pick names for both genders. It'll be a lot easier than calling it, it."

"Maybe. I don't know any names that I like…"

"Joe Jr. for a boy." She jokes.

"Absolutely not." I massage my belly some more.

"Do you want a normal name or a basic name?

"I don't know… something unique, but not so weird that you can't pronounce it."

"Zoey?" She suggests.

"Ew."

"Savannah?"

"Ew."

"Joel?"

"Too close to Joe."

"Jeremiah?"

"Name my son Jeremiah so people can make fun of him? The last thing I need my baby to hear is "Jeremiah was a bullfrog" in school."

Dallas laughs hard. "Good point."

"I do like the biblical names, though. For boys."

"Jonah?"

"I like Jonah. But Jonah Jonas would be weird."

"Collin?"

"Collin's cute. I like Collin. And I like Aiden."

"Aiden is so overused." She scoffs.

"…It is."

"What kind of names do you like for girls?"

"…I dunno."

"Belle? Snow White? Cinderella? Aurora? Jasmine?"

"My baby will not be a Disney princess, Dallas."

"Technically, it will be. If it is a girl, it technically will be a Disney princess. You and Joe both work for Disney."

"…No. No Disney princess names."

"The Disney princesses have pretty names, though. Aurora's a pretty name. Belle's cute."

"No and No. But if you can find me a Disney princess name that isn't overused and ugly, I'll consider it."

"What about Alexandria?"

"No."

"…Some girl in my dance class is named Seraphina. And her sister's name is Ever. I think their names are pretty."

"I don't know, Dallas. I don't know… let's just wait until we find out the gender."

"What do you think it is?"

"I think it's a boy…but I dunno.." I sigh.

I stroke my stomach again. My flutterer still hasn't moved.

"Are you glad you didn't get the abortion?" She asks.

"…I don't know yet. I'm still… indifferent about it. Like… I love it and all. But if I had a miscarriage, I wouldn't be sad about it. I'd be like 'oh well.' You know? I'm just… indifferent. I probably won't really be happy about it until I like… see it. On an ultrasound or something."

"I understand…. "

I'm really starting to want to kill Madison. I want to kill her because my baby still hasn't moved inside me. I don't want anyone else to panic, so I don't say anything about the baby not moving. I'm scared though.

"I'll be right back, Dal." I slowly slide myself off the couch and go upstairs.

I don't want to panic too much.

I grab my phone and the little booklet of papers that I got from my doctor's appointment. I call Jade.

"Hello, Dr. Jade Anderson, OBGYN. How may I help you?"

"Jade? It's… Demetria. Um… I had an appointment with you earlier today?"

"Oh yeah. Nice to talk to you again, Demi. Is everything okay?"

"I'm… not sure."

"What's going on, hun? What are you concerned about?"

"Um…. I'm a little worried…because my baby hasn't moved…I don't know if this is normal…"

"Do you remember the last time you felt the baby move?"

"…About an hour ago…"

"And did anything happen before the baby stopped moving?"

"…My little sister punched me in the stomach. It wasn't hard. She didn't hit me hard. But the baby hasn't moved since, so I don't know if that has anything to do with it…"

"What I want you to do is to go take a nice hot bath. Relax. Babies usually kick and move when the mother is in a relaxed position. I'm thinking that maybe your sister scared the baby into not moving. Babies do get scared inside the womb. Have you been massaging your stomach?"

"Yes… I've been rubbing it and massaging it, trying to get the baby to move. But still nothing."

"Do what I said with the bath. Stay in your bath for about… a half hour. Relax. Softly massage your lower belly. If the baby doesn't move within the half hour of you being in your bath, call me back and I'll get you in here and check it out. Sound good?"

"Yes ma'am. Thank you…"

"No problem, honey. Don't forget to call me back if that baby doesn't move."

"I won't…"

I hang up the phone and run myself some hot bath water. I really hope this works. I know I said I wouldn't care if I had a miscarriage, but that doesn't mean that I want to have one. I wouldn't care too much if I did, but I really don't want to have one.

I pour some bubble-bath into the water and watch as it makes bubbles in my bath. I slowly strip myself and step into the bathtub. I lean back against the wall and relax. I really, really hope this works.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

When I get off work, the first place I go is Demi's house. She hardly ever calls me while I'm at work, and she did today, which worries me still. I know she said she was okay, but I don't really believe her.

I walk up to her front door and knock. I wonder if she'll answer the door.

Dallas answers the door.

"Hey, Joe. She's upstairs." She steps aside and lets me in.

"Thanks, Dallas." I kick my shoes off and go upstairs. I thank god that her parents aren't home.

"…Demi?" I call her. She isn't in her bedroom.

"I'm in here, Joe." Her voice is calm. Maybe she is okay.

I go into her bathroom.

She's sitting in her bathtub rubbing water all over the tiny little bump that is my baby.

"…Hey baby." I lean down and kiss her lips softly. I rest my hand on her stomach and sit beside the bathtub. "Why you in here?"

"It's a long story." She's talking softly.

"You okay? Why you talking so low?" I ask.

"Because I have to be calm for the baby." She strokes her stomach softly.

"…Why?"

"It hasn't moved in an hour. Madison hit me in my stomach and the baby hasn't moved since…"

"…What? Why haven't you went to the hospital yet?!" I find myself yelling at her.

"Calm down, Joe. Calm down… you have to be calm…" She breathes deeply.

"….Why. Haven't. You. Gone. To. The. Hospital. Yet. Demetria?" I speak to her as calmly as I possibly can.

"I already called the doctor, Joe. She said take a warm bath for a half an hour and keep massaging my stomach. If the baby doesn't move in a half hour, call her back and she'll bring us in and examine me… I took care of it, Joe."

"What do you mean it hasn't moved?" I feel like crying. I sniff hard to keep my tears back.

"It hasn't moved. But it's probably fine. Just stay calm."

I reach into the tub and stroke her stomach myself. "You can move now. Daddy's here…"

"If it started moving, would I be able to feel it?" I ask Demi.

"I don't know. Maybe…"

"Come on, honey. Move… move for daddy…" I lean in and kiss her stomach.

"It's gonna be okay." Demi whispers to me.

"What if it's not okay, Demi? What if it's not?" Fuck, I started to cry.

"…I don't know, Joe. But it'll be okay…"

I look up at her with tears running from my eyes. "What if it's not okay?"

"…We'll be okay, baby."

I really hope Demi's right.

And I really hope my baby is okay.

Because if my baby isn't okay, then I won't be okay.

Please let our baby be okay…

It's all I'm asking for.


	20. Names Names Names

**Demi's Point of View.**

"How long ago did you say you felt the baby move?" Jade asks me. She's pushing on my bladder real hard, I think I might pee.

"…Two hours ago? Right before my sister hit me in my stomach." I tell her.

"Put your hand up, right above your head." She instructs me. I listen to her.

She pushes her hand on my bellybutton, which kind of hurts. She moves her hand down to the top of my womanhood and pushes. That's really uncomfortable.

"Demi, when's the last time you've used the bathroom?" She asks as she turns away from me and yanks on gloves.

"…Just before I came here? I pee a whole lot…" I stutter out my answer. I look over at Joe. He's watching and listening to everything. We didn't tell our parents we were coming here. I don't know if that was a mistake or not.

"Not in that way, honey. I mean when's the last time you've had a bowel movement?" Jade pulls out the stirrups to put my feet in.

"Oh… um… Yesterday morning…" I wish she'd give me an answer.

"That's good. That's nice and normal." She calmly pushes her two fingers inside of me again. She uses her free hand to push hard down on my vagina. That's REALLY uncomfortable.

"…What… What are you doing? Can you feel the baby?" I ask. Oh my god, this is so uncomfortable.

"I am checking the position of the baby. To see if it's moved." She pulls her fingers out of my crotch. "Everything seems pretty normal in here. Baby still seems pretty low." She takes off her gloves and throws them away.

"So why hasn't the baby moved?" Joe asks her. He sounds like he's been crying.

"I'm gonna need to do an ultrasound to see the correct answer to that. But I'm still thinking that the baby is just frightened." Jade moves quickly around the room, grabbing a tube of jelly and pulling out a monitor.

"Will we get to see the baby?" I ask.

"A general idea of the baby, yes. I don't know how good of a picture I'll be able to get. It all depends on the baby's position." She squirts all this purple goo on my lower stomach and smears it lightly with her finger. "You guys can look at the screen and we'll see the baby."

I turn my head slightly and look over at the fuzzy screen. I can't see anything just yet.

Jade turns a knob on the screen and brings it down a little. She grabs a small wand and pushes a button on the wand. She puts the wand in the goo and glides it across my abdomen.

"The baby looks really good. It's implanted correctly. And it's growing… right. I see the flicker that's the heartbeat… so yeah. The baby is fine. The baby is going to be okay." She shuts off the monitor and cleans off my belly for me.

I can't see anything besides a small little circle. I do see the flickery heartbeat though.

"This early along in your pregnancy, it isn't unusual for babies to stop moving for certain periods of time. Maybe your little sister startled the baby or maybe the baby is just not active at the moment. But as far as I can see, the baby is quite alright. I'm gonna get the Doppler out to hear the heartbeat." Jade explains.

"Thank god." Joe sighs. He is relieved and so am I.

Jade puts the pen looking object on my stomach again and listens. She turns it up and me and Joe can hear the heartbeat too.

"The heartbeat sounds very strong, but it's very restful and spaced out. I'd say your baby is just asleep right now. I'm not sure if your little sister had anything to do with it. I think your baby just got tired and decided to sleep."

"When it wakes up, will she be able to feel it?" Joe asks.

"She should be able to. If the baby doesn't move by tomorrow evening, call me and let me know."

"Sure thing." I say. I stand up and slide my shoes back on.

Me and Joe leave the doctor's.

* * *

**-One Week Later-**

**Joe's Point of View.**

Things are really picking up. I realize that me and Demi are going to have a baby, but it's still surreal for me. My mom is doing a good job making sure I don't forget about how severe the matter of a baby is, though.

"Have you guys thought about a name for the baby yet?" My mom asks me and Demi.

Demi's laying on the couch beside me in my living room. I'm massaging her feet.

"No… not really." I answer my mom.

"I think you guys should start thinking about that. You get to find out the gender in what? Two weeks?" She puts a plate of pizza down on the table in front of Demi.

Demi grabs the pizza and takes a bite of it. "…My mom and me were talking a couple nights ago, and we both like Joshua. It's nice and simple. I'd like to have something more unique, but I do like Josh."

"Is that all you guys talked about?" I ask Demi. I'm interested in names.

"Well… yeah." She swallows her pizza.

"I think you guys should keep the name traditional. A good Italian name would be cute…" My mom chimes in.

"Gianna is pretty… for a girl. I'm not sure if I like Isabella… what about you, Joe?" Demi asks me.

I haven't really been thinking about names too much. I guess I'll spit out a couple suggestions. "….Braiden? I don't know…"

"Braiden could work." Demi nods at me. "For some reason, I really feel like it's a boy. Like… I have this gut feeling. Miss Denise, when you were pregnant, did you just… know you were having boys?"

"Oh, yeah. I felt it…. My mother's intuition." My mom says.

That makes me smile. I really hope we have a boy.

"What about Eli? Like… Joshua Eli? Or Eli Joshua?" I suggest.

"….I like Eli. Eli's a cute name." Demi approves.

"Eli is cute. I like Eli. I could deal with Eli." My mom nods.

"What about Isabella Sophia?" Demi spits out. She pokes her stomach.

"Isabella Sophia… Or Isabella Gianna?" My mom asks.

"…How about just Gia? Gia Sophia. Gia Isabella." I'm trying to be useful.

Demi thinks about it for a little. "….I'm thinking… I'm thinking Joey. For a boy. Not Joseph. So he won't be a Jr. But Joey…. Joey Eli? Or Joey Braiden. I think I want to go with Joey, though."

I crack a serious smile. I don't care if it's not my full name. The fact that Demi wants to name my son anything that has to do with me is enough to make me feel… good. It's just an honor, actually.

"Joey Braiden Jonas…. Hmmm… I could deal with that." My mom smiles and nods. She likes it too. I can tell.

"…And I had the idea of Joella Sophia. Or Joelle. Whichever works." Demi kind of mumbles.

"Joella Sophia sounds better than Joelle Sophia." My mom says.

I smile so big that I can't hide it. She's willing to name my DAUGHTER after me too?

"They're just thoughts. We could always change it around if we need to. Like… we could switch it to Braiden Joseph. Instead of Joey Braiden. And I'd probably call him Joey instead of Braiden, for short. And Sophia Joella would work too. I don't know… just to have backups. I want to have Joe's name in there somewhere…"

I'm happy that Demi wants to name our baby after me. I really am thrilled. But I can't help but feel bad. She's part of the baby's life too. I didn't make the baby myself, so why is she only honoring me? She should be honored too. But there's no possible way I can make Demi into a unisex name. I just sigh instead. The thought is nice, I guess.

"Those are just some…. Ideas. They aren't final…." Demi plays with her stomach some more.

"I think the names are perfect. Stop stressing, Demi Devonne." My mom plays with Demi's hair then cleans up her plate of eaten pizza.

Devonne. That's it.

"…What about… Devin? For a boy. Like your middle name, babe. Just without the 'on' at the end. Devin."

"….Devin… Devin. Devy. My Devin… I like Devin." Demi tries it out.

I make a mental list.

So far, the names that are floating around are as followed:

Braiden Joseph, Joseph Braiden, Devin Joseph, Isabella Sophia, Joella Sophia or Sophia Joella.

I'm leaning towards Devin Joseph and Joella Sophia.

But hey, any name will be okay.


	21. Only The Best

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm getting really sick of this whole pregnant thing. I gain a pound a day and I swear if I don't have to fart, then I have to throw up. There's never a time where my nipples don't hurt, there's never a time when my stomach isn't bubbling, I'm only three months pregnant and I already can't see my vagina anymore. I can't wait to be un-pregnant.

I already had my three month checkup with Jade and we scheduled the appointment to find out the gender. I'll know what my baby is in two weeks.

I won't make a huge deal about it, because I'm ashamed of it, but I have done some Thing. I've only done it twice now, and I'm not proud of it. The last time I did it was okay, though. My head was hurting so bad that the baby stopped moving again. I sniffed some Thing and it started moving again. Call me stupid or incredibly insane, but I think my Thing might have actually helped my baby. I'm really gonna try to stop, though.

I've fallen into the habit of calling the baby "Joey." I don't know if the baby's a boy or a girl yet, but based off the names I've decided on, Joey would work well with either name. Whether it be a boy named Devin Joseph or a girl named Joella Sophia, I'm going to nickname it "Joey." So I guess calling it Joey isn't really that big a deal.

My mom isn't a fan of the girl's name, but I love it. She thinks "Joella" is a little too unique, but I think it's beautiful. I don't really care what my mom thinks. My dad hates both names, but he's just incredibly hard to please.

Madison, of course still hates the baby. She hates it even more now because my mom is turning her old playroom into a nursery. She doesn't hit me in the stomach anymore, though. Dallas told my mom about the time she did three weeks ago, and she hasn't done it since. It's the first time I've ever seen my mom discipline Madison like that.

Anyway, I have to go buy maternity clothes today.

Being pregnant and all, it's getting really hard to fit into size three jeans and medium shirts. Plus, it'll be easier to hide my pregnancy in baggy clothes. We still haven't told the media yet. Joe and I are careful to maintain a very low profile.

"Demi? Honey, are you ready to go shopping?" My mom asks. I don't have the heart to tell her I'd rather go shopping alone. She doesn't trust me enough to buy my own clothes.

"Yeah, I guess." Did I mention that I'm always hungry? I grab a Snickers bar before I head out the house with my mom. I don't feel the need to throw up so badly anymore, because being pregnant, I'd do it anyway.

"Is Joe gonna come with us?" My mom grabs car keys.

"No… he's going to pick up his paycheck today." I take a bite out of my candy bar and follow my mom to the car.

"Where do you want to go first, Demi? JC Penney is having a Saint Patrick's Day sale on sweatpants. We can get you a few pairs of sweats and a couple hoodies there."

"Whatever works, Mom." I sit my phone on my protruding abdomen as we sit in the car. Joey kicks me and my phone falls off my stomach and into my lap.

"He said 'Get your phone off me, mommy.'" My mom laughs.

"…Don't call it a boy yet. It could be a girl." I correct her.

I do feel like it's a boy. I can just feel it.

"I think you and Joe should be surprised. I don't think you should find out the sex of the baby. Be surprised when it comes." My mom starts driving down the highway.

"How are we supposed to know what kind of clothes to buy and stuff?"

"Buy gender mutual things until you know for sure what it is. I think you should wait. There are few surprises left in this world… your baby should be one of them."

"No thanks, Mom. I'd rather just know."

"I know you're going to find out anyway."

"I'll think about it. But yeah. I'm probably just gonna find out. I think it's a boy."

"I think so too. At least I hope it is."

I smile a little. I don't care what my baby is. I'm not hoping for a boy, I'm not hoping for a girl. I just hope that he or she is okay.

"Daddy seems to think it's a girl." My mom teases.

"We'll find out sooner or later. Joe's parents hope it's a girl. They haven't had many girls in the family." I smirk.

"If it's a girl, your father will have a stroke. We need a boy in our house."

"I don't care what it is. I just want a healthy baby."

"It could be twins…"

That just scared the shit out of me.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

"Are you sure Demi won't get… mad at me for buying this?" I ask my Mom. I don't really know much about buying things for babies, but my mom convinced me into buying the baby a car seat. I have a cute one in mind, but I don't know.

"She won't be angry with you, Joe. The baby's going to need at least two car seats. One for Demi's house, one for ours. Just make sure it's unisexual." My dad pats my back and keeps browsing with my mom.

I take a breath and nod. This lime green and yellow car seat is really nice. It's base is a light brown color and the bedding on the inside of it is lime green with a yellow headrest for the baby. I like it.

"…What about this one?" I ask my mom.

"This one is really nice… is this the one you want?" She runs her hand along the bedding.

I run my hand along it too and pinch the headrest. It isn't not soft enough for my baby. "No… nevermind. It's not soft enough. Let's keep looking."

I walk up the aisle a little further. I find another nice, boy-girl mutual seat. It has a light grey base, lime green bedding and yellow, blue, red and purple polkadot coverage. The headrest is really fluffy and it's white. I think I like it. I run my hand across the cushioning. It's really soft. I pinch the headrest. It's extremely soft. I look at the pricetag. It's $345.67. It's expensive, but it's the best. I only want the best for my baby. I'm getting this car seat.

"I want this one, muh." I say, still checking out the car seat. I read the tag on it. It has guaranteed safety rate, a five year warranty and protection for infants up to 18 months.

"Joe… it's really… nice. But it's expensive." My mom tries to reason with me, but I'm not hearing it.

"I'll pay for it out of my own money, muh. It's fine. Look at all the safety features on it…"

My dad smiles at me proudly. "I'll go half on it with you, Joe."

"Thanks… I'm gonna go look around some more." I hoist the box the car seat is in over my head and put it into the cart. I walk down the aisle some more.

They have everything a baby could ever possibly need here at Baby's R Us. They have the little bows you put on a baby girl's head, booties, hats for baby boys, little tenner shoes, onesies, sleepers…. I just wanna splurge.

"We'll come back another day, Joe. We had better only grab the car seat today…. the more bags, the harder it is to hide what's in them." My mom stops me.

I'm tired of sneaking around with this. But I guess I have no choice just yet.

"Have you and Demetria decided on how you're going to go about with telling this?" My dad pushes the cart to a checkout aisle.

"…No. Demi doesn't exactly want the baby in the media whenever it's born, so we thought about just hiding it altogether. But that won't work… I don't know, Dad. We'll probably just… tell a magazine or something. We haven't crossed that bridge yet." I sigh and put the car seat on the small table. We went to a self-checkout. I'm glad nobody's around.

I feed the money for the seat into a machine and bag it in six large bags at first. After the six bags are over it, I put it in six more, but I turn them inside out. It's harder to see the logo on the bag if they're inside out and bunched together. It's sad how much I have to go through to hide it.

I take my twelve shopping bags and a car seat out of the store and into the busy shopping mall. Luckily, nobody notices me and my parents.

My mom walks on the left side of me and my dad on the right.

We walk out of the mall into the parking lot and escape into the car. There aren't any paparazzi, as far as I can see.

* * *

**-Later on that Night-**

* * *

Demi's coming over tonight. I want to show her the car seat, plus my mom hasn't seen her in a while.

I think she's staying the night, but I don't know. It'd make sense if she was, because it's 7:30 right now and she's on her way.

"Joseph. When Demi gets over here, make sure she comes and makes her plate. I want her to eat something good." My mom barks at me from the kitchen.

I just wave her off.

"Do you guys know what it is yet?" Kevin asks me. He tosses me the remote control.

I flick through the channels on the TV screen. "No. We both feel like it's a boy, though."

"Mom and Dad want a girl."

"I know." I turn on wrestling and settle in to watch.

As soon as I settle, the doorbell rings. It's Demi.

I pop up off the couch and grab the door.

"Hey, gorgeous." I greet her with a kiss on her forehead. She looks really beautiful. You know the old saying "Pregnant Women Glow?" Well my Demi is glowing right now. She's so pretty.

"…Hi. I have to pee." She smiles at me.

I kiss her on her lips and let her go. She runs past me to the downstairs bathroom.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe bought our baby a car seat. It's a really nice car seat, too. It's big and soft and cuddly and cushiony and expensive as hell. It brought me to tears to see how much he cared about our baby. Joey started kicking me whenever I saw it too. I think he/she likes it.

"You wanna take a shower before we lay down, babe?" Joe asks me. He tosses me an old t-shirt to sleep in.

"Yes, please. My back hurts…" I answer him. I plop down on his bed. Joe's bed is comfy.

"I'll make you a bubble bath, then. Go ahead and undress…" He disappears into his bathroom.

I take off my socks first. My feet are getting chubbier. I take off my baggy sweatpants next. My thighs are still perfectly skinny and toned. Off comes my hoodie. It was hiding a really round little bump. I pull off my shirt too. My stomach is bigger, stretched, leathery and really smooth. It's weird to me. I take off my bra. My boobs have gone up a single cup-size. That's the only perk of this pregnancy thing.

I wrap the towel Joe gave me around my naked, distorted body and walk into Joe's bathroom. Joe's sitting beside a circular bathtub filled with hot water and bubbles. I drop my towel and step into the water. It feels good, especially against my achy back.

Joe sits on a stool next to the tub. "So what's going on baby?" He brushes the bubbles all over my arms.

"…Nothing much. Just…. Hanging around." I shrug.

"What's my other baby doing?" He rubs water on my back.

"Just chillin in here."

"…Do you mind if I join you, babe?" He asks me. He starts taking off his clothes too.

"No… I don't." I scoot up to make room for him. He strips himself out of his clothes and climbs into the tub behind me. I lean back and relax against him.

"I'm so excited to meet our baby…" He whispers to me. He reaches forward and strokes my stomach.

"…Me too." I still haven't told Joe about my little slip ups with the Thing. He doesn't need to know that…

"You're so beautiful, babe…" He kisses my cheek.

"…I'm hairy." I mutter.

"No you're not. You're perfect, baby." He laughs.

"No. I really am hairy. I haven't shaved in forever. My stomach won't let me anymore. I can't bend correctly. I can get my thighs, but that's it." I laugh and explain to him.

"Let me help you then, babe." He moves slowly in the water, reaches over the side of his bathtub and grabs a fresh razor. It's a boy's razor, but it'll do.

"…You would do that?" I smile at him.

"I'd do anything for you, babe." He kisses my lips and moves to the opposite end of the bathtub. He grabs his bar of soap and strokes it all along my hairy leg.

"Don't cut me." I caution him.

"I'll try my best, love." He kisses my big toe and rubs my foot to calm me. He takes the razor and glides it real softly across my leg.

I watch him as he shaves me. What man does this for his woman? I'm so lucky.

"…Wait until my brothers get a load of this." He chuckles and moves on to my other leg. He lathers it up with soap too.

"Get a load of what?"

"Me shaving your legs for you. They'll say I'm whipped…" He starts shaving my other leg.

"…I'm sorry… you don't have to…" I feel really bad now. I don't know. I don't deserve this.

"It's fine baby girl. I am whipped. I don't care…" He finishes shaving me. "Did I do good?"

I run my hands along my legs. They're silky smooth.

"Yes. Thanks babe. I owe you one…"

"You don't owe me anything, beautiful." He kisses my feet again. I blush.

"Joe… stop."

"Demi, shut up. Do you need anything else?" He massages my feet deeply. It feels so good because my feet are so sore.

"No… I don't."

"Seriously, baby. Do you need me to shave anything else? Your underarms?"

"No… I can get those. Thanks though."

"What about your…. Area? You can't get that…"

"No…. but it's fine. I'll get it waxed."

"Demi, stand up babe. I don't mind it. I like doing things for you. You're pregnant. You're giving me a beautiful little baby. The least I can do is shave the body hair that you can't reach."

"…Okay…." I say sheepishly. I stand up in the bathtub and brace myself against the wall.

Joe kisses my stomach softly. "You see how much I love your mommy? I shave her legs for her. And I shave her crotch. Someday, you'll understand."

I laugh softly. I just want to cry, and that's the truth. I can't believe he'd do this for me…

He rubs soap on the little bit of fuzz I have between my legs and shaves it all off too. He actually does a good job. And I watch between his legs. He doesn't even pop a stiffie. Not even once. He's shaving my crotch and not getting horny? I love this man… I love this man so much.

"Am I getting it good, babe?" He looks up at me. I nod.

"Say daddy's shaving good, don't worry." I say in a baby voice.

Joe plants a kiss on my bellybutton. "You see how much your daddy loves your mommy?"

He finishes shaving my crotch for me.

"It's nothing compared to how much daddy loves you, though." Joe whispers to my stomach.

I let a little tear slip through my eye. I love Joe.

I love him so much.


	22. Are You Ready?

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm helping my dad set up the "new" nursery. I don't know why, but this is still all so surreal to me. No matter how many times the baby kicks me, I feel it move, I go to the doctor's, I hear it's heartbeat, I still can't get it through my head that I'm having a baby. I don't know when I'll process that, but I simply can't do that yet.

I'm still not even sure if I want a baby. I mean, I know it doesn't much matter if I want the baby or not, it's coming, but I still feel… indifferent. I just don't know if I want a baby. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't even know if I could be a mother. I guess I have to make the best of it.

You know, I really hate myself 99.9% of the time. The 99.9% comes from a lot of things. Like the fact that even though I love Joe more than I have ever loved anybody in my life, I still wonder about Trace. The fact that all I've ever wanted was a family, and even though it's happening fast, it's happening and not even a baby is enough to make me put down the cocaine.

The other .1% of the time revolves around me being disappointed in myself, because I treat everyone around me like shit. The only thing my mom ever wanted from me was to establish myself with a solid career, a good man and a strong support system before I started a family. I have a good man but nothing else on her checklist. That's disappointment number one. Secondly, the only thing my dad ever asked of me was to not get pregnant at a young age, like his mom did with him. Well, I'm seventeen and carrying my bastard child. That's disappointment number two. Then there's Joe. All he ever wanted was for me to stop abusing drugs, open myself up and let him take care of me. I'm trying to open up, but that's the only thing. That's disappointment number three. Incidentally, there's also Trace. He obviously wasn't the greatest, but he deserved a little more than I gave to him. After all, he did take care of me whenever I had nobody else to. That's a half of a disappointment.

But above all else, there is the baby. The baby didn't ask to be made. The baby wasn't the one that allowed Joe to crawl on top of me and get me pregnant. The baby didn't ask to grow inside me. And the baby never asks to be treated in the way I treat it. The only thing the baby wants – deserves from me is protection; the protection to grow inside of me without being harmed, exposed to drugs, or hit with a child's fist, for crying out loud. The baby deserves to have a good mommy, because nothing in this world is it's fault, but I can't even be that. That's another disappointment. If my math is correct, that's four and a half disappointments that define who I am.

Anyway, the nursery is a very pretty shade of yellow. My dad picked out the color. It's not a very dramatic yellow. It's a very soft, pastel colored yellow, like the kind of yellow you'd see if a bright yellow duck was mixed with another white duck. It's a soft yellow, a comfortable yellow. My dad mounted light brown wooden shelves on the walls of the nursery and my mom had new light brown carpet put in. We haven't bought any other decorations, but my dad bought a fancy little crib that's made from the same wood as the shelves are made from. There's a matching wooden changing table in a corner and a wooden dresser beside it. My mom put a rocking chair by the window, but I don't think I'm going to use it.

It feels like a baby room in here, but it smells like a warehouse.

"What themes do you have picked out for the genders, Demi?" My dad asks. He's busy painting the windowsill yellow too.

"Well… Mom has everything picked out online. All she has to do is pay for it when we know the gender. She has Winnie the Pooh decorations for a boy and butterflies and bumblebees picked out for a girl." I'm folding socks off in pairs and putting them into the drawers. The socks are so tiny that my thumbs can hardly fit into them.

"Winnie the Pooh would look nice in here. I was thinking about buying you some of those letters to spell out Devin's name on the wall above his crib."

"…Or Joella's name." I crack a soft smile. It's nice to see my dad being so easy going about this. He's never soft towards me whenever we talk about the baby, unless we're alone. I know that he doesn't hate my baby, he's just disappointed in me.

"Devin's name, Demi. Devin." My dad chuckles and goes over to the crib. He makes sure the liner is in place.

I walk to the crib with him. "Will you be mad if it's a girl?" I lean over the side of the crib and try to envision a bouncing Devin or Joella in it.

"No, Demi. It'll still be my grandchild. I'd love it all the same if it were a girl." He pushes the crib mattress down securely.

The crib my dad bought is really unusual. I know it's pricey, because it looks like it. It's not like the usual crib that has the bars on the sides like a caged zoo animal. The crib is light brown wooden colored and it's hollow, with no bars. It looks like a wooden box with the top cut off. Inside the crib, the mattress is bright white and the liner is yellow with bright green accents. It's a really nice crib, and it's safer than the cribs with bars on them. The only thing I don't like is the weird looking mobile hanging over top of it, but I guess it's only ugly right now because no charms hang from the mobile yet.

"But it would be nice to have a little man to watch football games with me." My dad jokes. I laugh softly and punch him in his side.

"Well luckily, I think it actually is a Devin. But we'll know for sure tomorrow." I try to remain chipper.

The truth is, I don't know what I want.

I keep saying that I don't care what my baby is as long as it's healthy, but I really don't know anymore.

I like to believe that I'm going to have a healthy baby, but I don't even know about that anymore. I try to stay happy about it, but it's getting hard to. Maybe it'll feel better when my baby actually comes.

**Joe's Point of View.**

Demi's mom is over my house today, which is strange to me. It's not that my parents and hers don't get along. It's just that they never really hang out. So when I roll out of bed at 1:30 in the afternoon, go downstairs, and Dianna is sitting on the couch next to my mother, it's weird.

"Good afternoon?" I greet them. I'm in my pajamas, and it's not the most ideal situation for Demi's mother to see me in. I look around the living room to see if maybe Demi's here too. She isn't…

"Good afternoon Joe." Dianna says to me.

My mom glances over at me. "Come have a seat. We're planning Demi's shower."

Oh okay. This makes sense now.

I sit down on the couch next to my mom and look at what they already have written down.

On my mom's notepad, she has down the date for the shower. Apparently, the date is going to be September 29th.

I gotta be honest here. I don't know if Demi would really want a baby shower. Her pregnancy isn't exactly a joyous event for everyone. She's still attempting to hide it. But maybe her opinion of her pregnancy will change by the time the baby shower rolls around.

I gotta be honest again. I'm not really interested in planning a baby shower. I could honestly care less and I'm not much of a party planner anyway.

I pretend to listen to them, but I just grab my phone and open up my twitter app.

I scroll through my feed. There's really nothing new, besides teenage girls freaking out about my dad announcing the tour dates. We settled on the tour being in late August. We cut the dates back a little so that we'll be home before September 19th. We're only doing fourteen shows in ten different states. It won't be that bad.

I wonder what people are going to say whenever me and Demi actually do announce it. I'm not scared to. I'm ready to embrace all opinions, positive or negative. Demi's the one that's afraid, and I guess I understand why. She's gonna be the one that gets the most backlash from it. But once she sees that it doesn't matter about what anybody else has to say, she'll be alright.

I click out of my twitter and go to my messages. I text Demi.

Me: Good morning babe :)

Her: Hi.

Me: You ok?

Her: Yes.

Me: The baby ok?

Her: Yes.

Me: Stop giving me one word answers Demi. Seriously.

Her: I'm in the bathtub!

Me: I'll just text you later then. I love you.

Her: Ok then. & I love you too.

I put my phone down.

I never get truly mad at Demi. She just never makes me mad. But she's been hormonal and shit and that's really been annoying. So rather than blow up on her, I just leave her alone. I try to be understanding. It's not her fault.

Aside from everything else, I'm proud of Demi. Three months ago, I was taking care of her in New York because she was so sick from withdrawal. Now, here in March, she's been clean for our baby. She's broken up with Trace and she's doing better for herself. I really am proud of her.

I'd be lying if I said that I've been thinking about marrying Demi lately, because the truth is that I haven't. I haven't been thinking about marrying her too much lately. I still do want to marry her, though. I plan to one day. I just don't think that I should only marry her because she's having our baby. And I feel like if I proposed to her now, she'd think I was only doing it for the sake of the baby, which isn't true. I don't want to marry her solely for our baby.

Sometimes, I just don't understand how Demi could possibly think she's worth anything less than the best.

Then again, she was with Trace for almost two years.

She believed in all the bullshit he fed to her.

**-The Next Morning-**

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe stayed over my house last night. We have to get up early today because today's the day we get to find out what we're having.

Usually, when I sleep with Joe, I sleep very well. But last night, I had a restless sleep. I was constantly moving around, adjusting myself, trying to get comfortable, all that jazz. I guess I really am nervous for today. I still don't care if I have a Devin or a Joella, though by this point I'm almost certain I'm having a Devin.

My alarm clock on my cell phone goes off. It doesn't make a difference if it wakes me up or not, I was already awake.

I turn the alarm off and nudge Joe. He slept fine last night, but anytime I moved he'd ask me if I was alright.

"Joe… get up…get up, baby." I press my lips against his lips.

He opens his one eye and looks at me. His sexy smile wipes across his lips. "Morning, babe." He smiles.

I can't help but smile too. "…you ready for the doctor?" I ask him. I rest my hands against his bare chest and he wraps his arms around my waist. I slept in only my underwear and a t-shirt last night. He slept in boxers.

"I'm readier than ready." He yawns. I don't know how he's so perfect, but he doesn't even have morning breath. His breath is sweet smelling and almost odorless.

I slide myself on top of him and straddle him. I lean down and give him another kiss. He rubs my hips lovingly. "So what is your final guess?"

"…boy." He smiles and rubs all over my legs.

"Me too…" I kiss him yet again.

He strokes the length of my legs. "You've got great legs, babe. What time do they open?" He winks at me.

I laugh softly at him and playfully tap his cheek. "They open at whatever time for you. Except for today." I joke.

He leans up and pecks my cheek. "Let's get ready, babe."

"Let's." I agree and get off him.

Me and Joe both pull on our clothes.

In a half hour, we're out the door on our way to see if we're having a Devin or a Joella.

I'm almost certain that it's a Devin.


	23. Revealings

**Demi's Point of View.**

Today's doctor's appointment seems to be dragging on. It probably only seems that way because I'm nervous-excited to find out what I'm having. I'm prepared for her to give me the ultrasound and tell me that it's a boy, although I'm scared for her to actually tell me. I can believe that I'm having a boy all I want, but it becomes all the more real whenever it's official.

After I leave the doctor's today, I think I want to go buy something for my baby. I have a couple hundred bucks in my wallet, so that should be enough. I think I'll just buy it it's first gender-telling clothes or something. If it's a Devin, I have my heart set on buying him a little blue blanket with basketballs all over it that I saw at the baby store yesterday. I haven't really been thinking too much about what to buy if it's a Joella. I don't think I'll need to buy anything for a girl, but my mind is still open.

I've also been thinking about ways to tell our families what it is. It'll be easier to let down my parents than Joe's parents. I think I'm just going to go out, buy the basketball blanket and go over to Joe's house with him after the doctor's. They'll ask what the gender is and I'll just show them the blanket. They'll be a little disappointed, but something tells me that they'll still be happy about it. My mom will go crazy buying Winnie the Pooh decorations. I'll finally be able to call my baby "Devin" without any shadow of doubt. Today will be a good day.

Joe sits next to me in the waiting room of the doctor's office. He holds my hand and strokes my knuckles, which makes me feel calm. Devin-Joella is tumbling around in my stomach and it feels weirder this time because I can actually FEEL it. I'm guessing the reason it feels more central this time is because the baby is bigger now.

"You want to take me to Baby Bopper after we leave here?" I turn to him and ask him.

"Sure… but what for?"

"So I can buy a blanket that I saw there. It's blue and it has basketballs on it and I thought it was really cute. I want it."

He smiles at me. "Yeah, I'll take you babe."

After I've waited for what seems like an eternity, Jade opens up the heavy wooden door and calls us back. "Demi?"

Joe stands up and holds my hand. He helps me up off the chair and he follows me back to Jade's exam room. Jade's room looks different today than it usually does. It's set up so that I can get a good view of the ultrasound screen as I lie on the exam table.

I take my usual seat up on the table and Joe sits in a little chair beside the table.

Jade starts with the usual as she weighs me, takes my temperature and takes my blood pressure. I'm getting increasingly anxious.

"So today's just a gender determination appointment?" Jade writes some things down.

"Yes ma'am." I say. I lie flat on my back on the table. I lift up my shirt and Jade pulls my pants down a little bit.

"So you're thirteen weeks and three days today. Your pregnancy seems to be progressing nicely…" She pushes on my lower stomach and makes the baby move around. "How has the baby been moving?"

"It's been moving well. It stops sometimes but it's probably asleep when it does. Other than that, it moves a whole lot; especially when I eat sweets."

"That's really good… your first trimester went really well." She puts her stethoscope on my stomach and listens.

"…I'm in my second trimester now?" I ask.

"You will be in five days when you're fourteen weeks along." She strokes my stomach and tries to get the baby to move again.

"So what's that mean? Is that like… a lot different from my first?" I'm curious. I've never been pregnant before. I need to know what everything means.

"Not a lot different. It just brings some new things in. Your baby's immune system is developing now, it's brain is still developing so are it's lungs. The genital tissues are becoming more distinct and so are facial features. You're out of the woods for natural miscarriages. Natural miscarriages typically happen in the first trimester." She takes her stethoscope off my stomach and goes over to her cupboard.

She cracks open a new tube of purple gel and smears it all across my lower stomach. She grabs the monitor and wheels it over to us as she turns the lights down lower.

I look over at Joe. He's bursting with so much excitement that he won't stop shaking his leg.

"Let's take a look at this baby. I'm gonna get you guys some pictures today, too." Jade sounds excited herself.

I can't help but smile a little bit. I turn my head a smidge and look at the screen.

Jade turns the screen on and turns the wand on too. She puts the wand down on my stomach and holds it still at first. She adjusts the screen with her free hand zooms in. She moves the wand around a little and everything comes into focus.

I can see a fuzzy blip of nothing on the screen, but I don't know what it is.

"Okay. I've got some explaining to do…" Jade starts.

I look over at Joe again and he is paying close attention to the screen.

Jade glides the wand furthest from my bellybutton. "That little grey area right there is the placenta. If you push on that, you're pushing on the baby's food source. And that long strip of black right next to it is the umbilical cord. It looks nice and thick, the way it should be." She explains. I understand everything she's explaining right now.

She glides the wand right beside my bellybutton. "The little oval right there is one foot, the one next to it is it's other foot. The long rod-like structures are little legs. You see that?" She points at the screen.

I smile. My baby has some skinny little legs, but they're perfect.

"That big thing right there is a little potbelly. It's a chunky little thing already… and right above the belly is the head. You see the nose?" She points to the head.

It's fuzzy, but I can see little lips poking out and it's nose. It's so cute already, oh my god.

"That's your baby's profile. Now let's take a look at between the legs." Jade puts the wand high on my stomach, right below my chest.

I look over at the screen and I see my baby's feet and I can't make out anything else.

Jade clicks twice on the wand and zooms way in. "You see those two circles? Those are buttcheeks."

Joe chuckles at that and so do I. My baby's buttcheeks are so cute, I can't wait to just pinch them. Everything about my baby is adorable, even on a sonogram screen.

"And… What do you guys think? You guys bettin' on a gender?" Jade asks us.

"Mhm. We both think it's a little boy." I smile and stare at the screen.

Jade clicks twice more on the wand and zooms in some more. "That little fold right there? That's a vulva. Those two tiny sacs above it are the ovum…So I can tell you with 90% certainty that you are carrying a big, strong, healthy little lady. Congratulations." She smiles so wide.

I can't even describe the emotions that are running through my body right now. I am happy, excited, scared, happy, happy, happy, ecstatic, scared, HAPPY… and not the least bit disappointed.

"Not a Devin… but a Joella." I whisper at Joe, still staring at my baby's private parts.

Joe's smiling wide, and I swear I see his eyes glistening with tears.

I'm not sure, though.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

The whole ride home, me and Demi can't stop talking about the news we just got.

We're having a girl! I'm going to have a daughter.

Plus, Jade printed out a long strip of pictures for us. I'm going to have a baby girl. Joella Sophia Jonas. Doesn't that just have the cutest little ring to it?

"It's a girl, Joe… I…. I thought for SURE it was going to be a boy." Demi smiles big as she looks through the pictures of the ultrasound.

"We're having a girl, though babe. A GIRL. She's going to be so pretty. She's gonna look like you. She's gonna be so pretty. … I can't believe I'm going to have a daughter."

"I can't believe it doesn't have a penis." Demi says with a laugh.

I don't even care that I'm not going to have a son. I'm having a DAUGHTER. I'm going to teach her how to play softball, she's going to be in gymnastics, I'm going to dress her in those cute little dresses… it's a GIRL.

"I'm so excited to meet her…" Demi rubs her stomach a little more and smiles.

"Me too…." I can't stop smiling.

I just pull into the parking lot of Baby Bopper. I don't bother to look around for paparazzi, and to be honest, I really don't care. I'm so fucking HAPPY.

"…Looks like I can't buy the basketball blanket." Demi sighs softly but a smile replaces her sigh.

We both walk into Baby Bopper. It's so nice in here, I want to buy everything. It's split into two sections; a blue section and a pink section.

Me and Demi walk over to the pink section.

"I don't know what to buy now… I don't want to buy anything dramatic…" Demi tells me about her dilemma. It sounds bad, but I'm not really listening.

I leave her to buy what she wants to buy and I go up the aisle that has the furniture. My mom and dad already ordered white furniture for the nursery offline, so the use of me looking at the furniture here is kinda pointless. I go over to the blankets, clothes and toys.

There are pink blankets and frilly purple dresses. I pick up a soft pink blanket with little brown monkeys on it. It's so cute and it's really soft. I think I'm going to buy this. I need something to put it in, though.

I turn around and find the diaper bags. I grab a light pink one with brown polka dots on it to match the blanket I got for her. Joella's going to be the prettiest baby in the whole world.

"Joe, come on. I'm ready to check out." Demi calls up the aisle to me. She has a handful of fluffy bright colored things.

I sigh and walk away from the diaper bags with the pink and brown one on my arm. I drape the blanket over my arm and go to Demi.

"I bought her a blanket and a diaper bag… what'd you get?" I proudly show Demi what I got for our little baby girl.

"Oh… nothing." She chuckles. She has her arms full of a ton of little bows. There's a pink bow, a purple one, a yellow one, a green one, a brown one, a black one, a black one with white polka dots, a rainbow colored one, a red one with white trim, a little blue flower bow, a gold bow, a bow with stars on it, a bow with hearts on it, SO MANY BOWS.

"Demi… why so many bows?"

"She's gotta be stylish." Demi blushes.

"What if she's bald?"

"Then I'll come back for hat shopping later." She laughs.

We checkout. Our stuff comes to a total of $74.53. We didn't splurge as much as we both wanted to, but Demi's got her enough bows to last her until her second birthday.

"My house first?" I ask Demi.

"Mhm… Your mom is expecting us." She says.

I pull into the driveway of my own house and park.

I nearly run into my house and Demi's not far behind us.

My parents are going to be SO happy.

"MOM! DAD! KEVIN, NICK, FRANKIE!" I yell up the stairs.

Demi puts our bags of things we bought in the living room and sits down.

My family must've really been excited to hear, because they all come rushing down the steps like a stampede. Even Danielle is running down with them.

"What is it? Is it a boy!?" Nick asks all excited.

Demi just smiles at him.

"We're not telling until everyone's here." I tell them.

My mom comes and sits down next to Demi on the couch. She's so giddy that it's scary. My dad sits next to Nick, Frankie sits next to my dad and Kevin and Danielle sit on the floor.

I grab Demi's hand and pull her up so that we're standing beside each other in the middle of the floor. Demi has her bag of bows in her hand.

"So… we went to the doctor… and then we went to the store and bought the baby's first gender-based blanket and accessories…" Demi smiles so big, I haven't seen her smile like that in a really long time.

"AND?!" My mom can't contain herself.

"And… we need to… go back to the store, because we didn't buy any clothes for the baby…" I keep beating around the bush to keep everyone interested.

"WELL WHAT'D YOU BUY?!" My mom is so eager.

"We bought… lots and LOTS and LOTS of… little things for the baby to wear…" Demi smiles some more.

"Joe, Demi, you're killing us." My dad finally speaks up.

Demi reaches in her bag and grabs one of the bows.

"We bought lots and lots and lots of little…Bows for HER to wear on HER head."

"IT'S A GIRL?!" My mom looks like she's going to have a heart attack.

"Yes ma'am." Demi nods and my mom attacks her and hugs her.

You know… Demi's going to get really mad at me for this, but I don't care. It needs to be done.

I grab the photos of the ultrasound before Demi can show them off to my family and I pick the cutest one.

The one of our daughter's face and belly from the side. It's really adorable.

In secrecy, I put the picture down on the table in the corner and hold my phone over the picture. I take the picture of the ultrasound and that's that.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

All of Joe's family is freaking out over the pictures of the baby. I leave it to Joe to explain to them what the pictures are.

The picture of her buttcheeks and her face are my favorite pictures.

I already texted my mom to tell her the news of her granddaughter. She texted me back and told me we're going to go celebrate later.

She doesn't sound too upset.

I'm so excited to be having a daughter. Oh my goodness, I'm having a daughter.

Right now, I've forgotten about everything.

Everything is right, for now.

I pick up my phone and go onto twitter to see what everyone else is up to. I'm just in that much of a good mood.

I tap the tweet button and tweet a big " :)" I'm just content with life right now.

I tap my mentions.

Holy… SHIT.

All through my mentions, there are mixed messages.

Congrats!

I'm so happy for you!

Whore.

Ew omg slutface lovato

WOW

CONGRATULATIONS DEMI PLEASE REPLY

CONGRATS!

OMG OMG OMG!

CONGRATS DDLOVATO JOEJONAS.

Since when is teenage pregnancy acceptable

Whore

Wow did you really have to trap Joe with a baby?

EW

CONGRATS

OMG

I CANT WAIT TO SEE THE BABY

I feel my throat close up a little bit and I start to sweat.

w….Who told?

I didn't tell. Did they see us come out of the baby store? Oh my god.

No. everything is not alright.

Oh my god…. Oh my GOD.

I need to cry. I'm going to cry.

HOW DID THEY FIND OUT?!

I click on Joe's profile, because something's telling me that he doesn't know that everyone knows yet.

Well, it's nothing new, but I'm wrong.

Joe does know.

He does know that everyone knows.

It's in crystal clear print on his tweet.

I tap the tweet and open it up.

Today at 1:56 in the afternoon, Joe tweeted a picture.

A picture of my sonogram. And everyone knows it's mine, because my name is visible up in the corner of the picture, near my baby's chubby stomach. "Lovato, Demetria D."

The caption of the picture tells it all.

He wrote with the picture: "For 20 years, my parents have preached to me about the responsibility of being a man Being a man means taking part in a life that you're responsible for. I have never been more happy in my life. Hate it or love it, SHE is the new addition to the Jonas family! :)"

I want to kill him.

I AM GOING TO KILL JOE.


	24. What Do I Do Now?

**Joe's Point of View.**

So Demi's mad at me. Big whoop.

I don't know if I care about her being angry with me. I mean, I understand she didn't want anyone to know about the baby, but it needed to be done. I get that she wanted to hide it, but in another month, she won't be able to. The media was eventually going to find out.

Plus, I'm not ashamed of our baby. Hiding it would be like saying we're ashamed of it. And I don't know about Demi, but I'm not ashamed. I don't understand how Demi could possibly want to keep this in. I just want to shout it to the world.

I told everyone about the pregnancy three hours ago. Demi left and hasn't been back since. She hasn't answered my phone calls, text messages, nothing. She doesn't want to be bothered with me. As much as it irritates me, I know she'll come around.

To pass the time until Demi decides to text or call me back, I hang out in Joella's room. It's not decorated or anything yet, because my parents wanted to wait to find out what the baby was. I guess it's acceptable to start now.

I go over to the pile of boxes in the corner of the room. The room isn't very big. It's not small either. It's the size of a small living room. I start with the crib.

I switch open my pocketknife and cut the tape open on the box. I open it up.

There are a bunch of jumbled, mixed up, white wooden pieces. I guess I'll start with the base.

It's not hard to put the crib together. It's just time consuming, which is a good thing because I need to pass some time.

In a half hour, I have the crib put together. I slide it over into the corner where I want it to be.

You know, I really want my daughter to have a nice room. It bothers me that I'll have to share her between my house and Demi's, but I won't think about that right now.

In another half hour, I have her changing table set up too. I should paint the walls of her room today, because I have nothing else better to do.

Can I tell you a secret?

I like to decorate. I don't think many people know that about me, because I don't tell a lot of people. But I do. I like to decorate rooms and I have a pretty good eye about what goes good together. I have a slight vision of how I want Joella's room to be. I don't want it to be the typical butterflies and hearts room. I think a Minnie Mouse theme would do it just right.

I have to go look in the basement and see what color paints we have left over from painting the house last summer.

I get up and shut the door to her room. I don't want anyone else in it. It's my personal project.

I walk down to our basement and look around. We have all boyish colors, which sucks. I take the leftover red paint from Frankie's room and a can of white paint off the shelf. I grab a roller, a paint tray and a small brush and head back upstairs.

When I envision Minnie Mouse for a little girl, I think of pink and purple. Pink walls with purple trim would look nice.

I pour equal parts of brilliant red paint and bright white paint into the paint tray. I mix them together using the brush and dip the roller in the paint. I begin painting the walls of the room a soft shade of pink. The red and white mixed nicely together. I leave the baseboards and the windowpanes white until I grab purple paint tomorrow.

When I'm finally finished with her walls, I step back. It looks really nice, if I do say so myself. It might look a little nicer if I had polka dots.

I reach down and add some more red paint to my makeshift pink paint and make hot pink paint. I run to Frankie's room real quick and grab a baseball and a baseball bat. I dip the baseball into the hot pink paint and dot it all over the room. When I have enough large polka dots all over the walls, I dip the base of the bat into the hot pink paint too and make medium sized dots.

I lay the bat and ball on a sheet of newspaper and step back again. Man, it looks really nice. The wall is a light pink color with different sized hot pink polka dots. I think it looks decent.

I'll finish it tomorrow.

I gotta give the paint time to dry.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I refuse to leave the house anymore. I REFUSE.

I can't believe Joe told. I trusted him and he told.

I've been sitting in my room for three hours crying and looking through my twitter mentions.

As you can imagine, not everyone is nice about this.

I think the worst thing I've read was that I trapped Joe with a baby. I did NOT trap him. Hell, I didn't even want the baby.

I'm not totally mad at Joe for telling. I just wish he would've waited. I would've told whenever I was ready.

I honestly just wish this was all over.

"DEMI! COME HERE, PLEASE!" My dad hollers up the stairs to me.

I sniff, wipe my face and gather myself.

I get up out of my bed and head downstairs to see what he wants.

"Yeah dad?" I clear my throat.

"…You have mail, honey." He puts his arm around my shoulders and hands me a paper.

My dad is being gentle with me, so this can't be good news.

I hold the paper and sit down on the couch to read it.

I read it to myself.

_To Demetria D. Lovato, Employee #337 at Walt Disney Productions and Studios._

_Ms. Lovato: It has been brought to the attention of all management at Walt Disney Studios that Employee #337, Demetria Lovato has violated his or her contract, signed January 13__th__ of 2006 and renewed January 13__th__ of 2009. Because of this discrepancy, it is with extreme displeasure that we must inform you of your loss of employment. _

_In section IV of the worker's agreement contract signed by Ms. Lovato for the first time in January of 2006, it is hereby stated that workers may be terminated due to lack of providing a good, wholesome image. If an employee fails or neglects to keep the image of a clean rolemodel, then he or she will be terminated with no further arguments. This includes unplanned or teenage pregnancy in the description._

_In regards to your former employment with Walt Disney Studios, we will provide you with one final paycheck in which all your previous work hours for the last project in which you participated in will be paid in full. You are no longer permitted on the premises of Walt Disney Studios which includes all branch companies, such as ABC Family Productions and Hollywood Records. If you wish to dispute these wishes, please contact us at the number below._

_We regret to inform you of this decision, however this action could not have been avoidable. We here at Walt Disney Studios wish you the best of luck in any future projects you wish to partake in._

_Signed, _

_John R. Parker, CEO_

I put down the letter and just sit on the couch.

"…I'm sorry, honey." My dad puts his hand on my back to comfort me.

I shake my head and then I just can't stop. The tears come, and I can't fight them.

I have never heard myself cry like this before, except whenever I found out I was pregnant. I sound like a whimpering dog, but I can't help it.

"It's alright, honey… it's alright." My dad pulls me in to his chest.

I rest my head on him and just sob.

This isn't fair. This really isn't fair. I didn't mean to… it was an accident. Now what am I supposed to do? I didn't mean to… I swear I never meant to. It was a mistake. If I could take it back, I would. I didn't want all this to happen.

Now what do I do?

I just keep crying, because that's all I can do. My dad holds me tight.

"It's okay, Demi. It's okay… it'll be alright."

I feel numb.

I don't think I can take this anymore. I don't know if I can do this anymore. Everything is just horrible right now.

Nobody ever thinks about me.

Nobody ever thinks about what I want or what I didn't want.

Now what am I supposed to do?


	25. Smile

**Demi's Point of View.**

I can't really explain how life has been these past two months.

You ever start feeling like you can just pass through life without actually participating in life? It's kind of hard to explain what I mean, but picture this: You know that you're living because you breathe, eat, sleep, use the bathroom and run through the usual motions of life. But when you think about it the next day, you don't really know what you did the day before that and the day after that either. Everything just passes by in a really fuzzy blur, and no matter how much you try to think about what you did, you just can't remember.

I couldn't stay mad at Joe forever for telling, though it really did take me a while to finally start talking to him again. When I finally did start talking to him again, he told me how sorry he was.

I guess I do owe something to Joe for telling. The world knows about the baby now, which kind of sounds worse than it actually is. It took a while for the tabloids to stop making front page news stories about it. It's still heavily in the media, but it's a secondary story. I'm just happy that I'm not the cover story anymore.

I guess the best thing is that nobody has really said anything too negative about it. They just say how much of an outrage it is for little girls that look up to me and how bad it is for Disney's image. I'm not sure why it matters about Disney's image anymore, because I don't even work for them any longer.

I suppose the most vicious things come from twitter. My fans have generally been accepting of it, though I did lose a half a million followers over the course of two months. But I guess that doesn't matter. A lot of the time, I go into my mentions and I see some encouraging and supportive tweets from people with me as their icons. That always makes me smile. But there's always a flip side of that. Joe's fans are rude to me, of course. He always defends me to the best of his ability, but it doesn't really mean anything because they don't stop.

I guess I'm glad that I've managed to keep the baby's name a secret. Nobody knows that we plan to name her Joella, which is good because aside from what my bloated, stretched, swollen stomach actually looks like, her name is the only ounce of privacy I have left.

I really wanted to completely ostracize myself from the media altogether. I wanted to hole up in the house and never come back out again after Joe told. That worked for about two weeks after he told about my pregnancy, but the fact that I'm very pregnant complicated things a little. I had to go to the doctors, and the paparazzi were ON it this time around. I couldn't get to the doctor without being spotted, but it was wishful thinking.

Being 23, almost 24 weeks pregnant now, I have to go to the doctor once every three weeks. My stomach is so big that I couldn't hide it even if I was wearing a hoodie that is ten sizes too big.

I hate to admit it, but I should probably be going to the doctor's a little more frequently than once every three weeks. I'm sorry to say it, but after I lost my job, the only comfort I've ever really felt was whenever I was with the Thing.

I swear to you that I have cut back immensely on using it, but the entire week that I lost my job, that was all I did. Joella's fine, but that's not the point. The point is I need to stop, but people need to make it easier for me to stop too.

Nobody ever really thinks of how I feel.

My mom sets up the nursery in a really cute butterfly theme, but she never even asked me if I liked it for MY daughter's room. I like the nursery. She set it up really nicely and it's comfortable for a newborn, but that's not the point. Joe set up a nursery at his own house. It's Minnie Mouse themed and he did it himself, but he never asked me if I wanted to help set up the nursery. I didn't want to help set it up anyway, but again, that's not the point. Joe posts pictures on twitter of our ultrasounds all the time. I don't mind it, but once again, it isn't the point.

The point is, nobody ever asks Demi how she feels about it. In truth, Demi still isn't happy about having a baby. Demi still isn't prepared to take care of a baby. Demi wanted her daughter's room to be decorated in bumblebees and Demi wanted her daughter to have a pink car seat and a purple car seat.

The only thing that ever cares enough to make Demi feel better is cocaine. I really hope that one day I can just stop doing cocaine, but as long as people keep undermining the way I feel, I don't think I ever will just stop. I keep hoping that maybe Joella will make me want to turn myself around, and maybe she really will. On the bright side, my stash is dwindling down. And once my stash is finally gone, that's it. Because I refuse to ever talk to Trace again about drugs.

I'm sorry to keep ranting on and on about these things, but it's been a while since the last time I've let myself feel, so I think I had to update you.

Anyway, I'm going shopping today.

Joe's mom is taking me. I don't get money from Disney anymore, so funds are tight. Well, at least my dad thinks their tight. I know I have a couple million bucks still saved up in the bank, but I have to be wise about how I spend it, since that's all I have anymore.

Joe's parents usually offer to buy a lot of things for Joella, since I'm jobless now. I know that Denise was getting offended by me constantly telling her "no thank you", so when she asked to take me out shopping today, I didn't decline. I don't have a lot of clothes for Joella yet, so I need to get some.

"What time is my mom coming to get us, babe?" Joe asks me. He wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer to him as I try to keep the eggs from sticking to the bottom of the pan.

Ever since he told, Joe's been trying really hard to make it up to me. I know he's really sorry and I do forgive him.

"I don't know. She said around 12." I'm scrambling eggs and Joella is moving down my stomach. It's almost like she knows that food is coming.

"You know I love you… right?" Joe leans over to my cheek and kisses it. He puts his hand on my stomach and rubs it.

"Me or her?" I sprinkle some cheese on the eggs.

"Both of you..." He chuckles and strokes my stomach softly. Joella nudges him with her elbow, I think.

"She don't like you." I scrape the eggs onto two plates.

"She loves her daddy, don't say that."

Me and Joe both sit down to eat our makeshift breakfast.

I keep thinking that maybe I should admit to Joe that I still do Thing occasionally. But he'd be so angry with me that he'd break up, so I put the idea out of my mind.

I spear some eggs and eat them.

"Your pregnancy is going real fast, babe. It seems like just yesterday you were begging me to sign for an abortion." Joe comments, but he keeps eating.

"Yeah, well I'm tired of being pregnant already." I mumble and finish off my food.

"Are you glad you didn't get an abortion?" His tone goes really serious.

"I don't know yet. I'm still not thrilled about being a mom, so I don't know if I'm glad yet or not. I won't know until she gets here." I answer him honestly.

"…Understandable." He cleans up my plate and his too.

I stand up and go to the bathroom.

So, the new changes I'm noticing is that I can't wear sneakers, only flip flops. My ankles and my feet are so fat that it hurts to stuff them in anything else. I have to pee once every half hour, and I'm not exaggerating. My boobs have gone up an entire two cup sizes and my hair is so long that I have to use two ponytail holders to tie it up in a proper ponytail. The constant back pains don't really bother me too much anymore, except whenever I try to sleep. And the most embarrassing thing of all is that I am SO horny ALL THE TIME.

At first, Joe didn't mind having sex with me. Now that he can actually feel the baby move and see her growing, he refuses to touch me. He's convinced that he'll hurt the baby, even though I KNOW that his penis is FAR from even coming close to her. Okay, the only reason I'm going to tell you this is because I think it's pretty funny.

One time last week, I was so horny and I went to Joe's house. We were kissing and stuff and it got real heavy like we were about to actually do it. And then I took my clothes off and stuff and Joe got all weird and told me he didn't want to because I was pregnant. I bitched at him and told him that he already had sex with me whenever I was pregnant, that one time in the studio. He said it wasn't the same because I wasn't showing then. And I started to cry. All I wanted was to have sex and he said no. I just cried. Pathetic, right?

I wipe myself and pull up my pants. I know that I'm hairy as hell between my legs and on my actual legs. I can't shave anymore. It's nearly impossible. Joe will shave for me again, if I need to. I guess I'll ask a little later.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I know it sounds strange, but the highlight of my day today was the fact that Demi walked out the house in a regular t-shirt. She usually wears hoodies or baggy jackets. But today, she didn't. I hate it when Demi wears clothes that hide her belly. It makes me feel like she's ashamed of it.

I guess a hoodie wasn't an option today, because it's 96 degrees and in the middle of June.

"So Joe… Demi. Are you guys trying to get all her clothes today?" My mom asks us. She's driving to the shopping mall up the street from the studio.

"Um… Yeah. It'd be nice to grab everything today." Demi says.

I look at her in the backseat through the rearview mirror. Demi looks so beautiful today. I know it's weird to say, but she really does. Her face is pale and crystal clear. There's not a blemish in sight. Her bouncy, wavy, brown and blonde hair is blowing in the wind coming into the car through her open window. She's wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black leggings and some red flip flops.

I lean far into the backseat with her and kiss her cheek. "You're beautiful, babe." I whisper to her.

She smiles softly at me. "Thank you…"

"…Can I have those lips?" I ask her.

She blushes. "…Sure."

I lean in some more and kiss her on her lips.

I really do love her. I just want her to know that.

I really do feel horrible about everything, and I plan to make it up to her. I'm going to take her out to dinner and a movie a little later on tonight. I don't think it's fair that she got fired from her job, but I'm still working. It's not fair how much hate she's been getting, but all I've been getting is congratulations.

I think I'm going to put a ring on her finger soon, because I never want to lose her. If I were Demi, I would've broken up with me. I'm really glad she didn't, though. So I think I need to propose to her. Just so she's sure that I haven't lost any love for her.

My mom pulls into the parking lot of the mall and we get out. Demi stretches when she gets out the car and her t-shirt rises up so that I can see her smooth, cream-colored stomach. She has a cute baby belly. I love to rub lotion on it and kiss it whenever she gets out the shower.

"Come over here, babe." I say to her. She listens and walks over to me. I take her hand in mine and walk to the entrance of the mall holding her hand tightly. The paparazzi are taking pictures of us, but I could care less. I know Demi's a little nervous about it though.

I bring Demi's hand up to my mouth and kiss it to comfort her. She takes a deep breath and I can feel her getting calmer.

We walk into the mall and Demi squeezes my hand tighter.

"I'm not gonna let go, babe. Don't worry…" I say to her.

She nods. Her face is a little red and I can tell that she's really uncomfortable being out in public with her stomach so visible.

"Let's look around in Baby Guess first." My mom suggests. She leads us in the direction of the store and goes inside of it.

I walk with Demi inside.

It's a really nice store, to say the least.

Everything looks really expensive.

Demi keeps my hand in hers, but she drags me in the direction she wants to go in. She's in front of the dresses.

"Grab whatever you think you might want. I'm going to go look over here at the outfits." My mom tells us before she walks away.

Demi goes crazy.

"Joe, isn't this cute? Look how cute this is…" She's holding up a brown and pink dress with little white polka dots on it.

"OH MY GOD, JOE LOOK!" She squeals and shows me a little pink jumpsuit.

"Babe… you're going nuts." I chuckle.

"I want this…" She grabs another little dress. The dress is white, black and yellow with a little bumblebee on the front of it. She also grabs the matching socks.

I'm not sure how to shop for a girl, so I grab a couple more blankets and a pack of pacifiers before I let Demi and my mom finish.

I'm just glad to see Demi happy and smiling. She doesn't smile much anymore.

Which sucks, because back whenever we were together in New York six months ago, her smile is what I lived for.

I want her to smile more. Her smile is beautiful.


	26. What Did I Do?

**Joe's Point of View.**

It's become a regular occurrence for me to shave Demi's legs. At least once a week, we take a bath together and we talk to each other while I shave her legs. It's kind of our own time. It's nice to spend quiet time together.

"You think we got enough clothes for her?" I ask Demi. I'm busy shaving her legs for her again.

"I sure hope so. I think we have enough…" She relaxes back against my bathtub.

"Who do you think she's gonna look like?" I concentrate on not cutting her.

"I don't know… probably me. I hope she looks like me… she's gonna have bad eyebrows." Demi laughs.

I laugh too. "She probably will have bad eyebrows." I stroke her legs to make sure I got all the hair off them. "What's the hardest thing about being pregnant, babe?"

"Oooh… that's a tough question." She rubs bubbles from our bath all over her stomach. Her stomach is huge now. She doesn't let anyone see it, either. It's usually just me that she lets actually look at it.

"Is it weird having something growing inside of you?" I really want to know what it's like. To me, it seems like a beautiful thing.

"…Yes. It's weird to… feel her move around. Like… she gets hiccups and that's really weird. It just feels funny to know that if I eat a chicken leg, she's eating a chicken leg too. If I want to eat an onion, but she doesn't like onions, I'll throw it up."

"She has likes and dislikes?" I lean forward and rub her stomach.

"Mhm. She doesn't like onions, because I puke whenever I smell them or eat them. I had a piece of cheesecake last night that she didn't like too much."

"Will she move? Can I feel her move?"

"You gotta push her around a little. Like… here.. hold on." She takes her hand and pushes hard on her abdomen. "Here." She grabs my hand quickly and puts it near her bellybutton.

"I feel her, babe…" I smile. I feel Joella scrape across my hand. It feels so weird.

Demi looks down at her stomach and sighs. She doesn't look too happy.

"…So what's the hardest thing about being pregnant?" I ask her again.

"…You mean seriously or literally?" She looks up at me.

"…Both. Seriously and literally."

"Literally… the hardest part about being pregnant is having to share my body. I don't poop on my own time. I don't pee on my own time. I have gross farts that I just HAVE to let rip. Sharing my body is the hardest part." She explains. I love how open Demi is with me.

"Sounds tiring." I rub some more water on her legs to keep her warm.

"But it helps make me feel like I'm useful." She chuckles.

I kiss her foot. "And seriously?"

"…Seriously… the hardest part about being pregnant is having a boyfriend that won't touch me." She's very serious with me now.

"….Demi. You know how I feel about that…"

"You're not gonna hurt her, Joe. You know you need it too… how have you been getting along? We haven't had sex since I was two months pregnant. I'm eight months now."

"…I have a hand, babe." I joke with her but she's still serious.

"You're telling me that beating off is just as good as the real thing?" She asks.

"No… but…it helps."

"But Joe, YOU can masturbate. I can barely reach my crotch anymore. What am I supposed to do? Go get it from someone else?"

"No, baby. But… I just… let me think about it." I massage her ankles and legs.

She sighs. "So what about your tour?... are we just gonna bring Joella along?"

"I was thinking about just not going… staying here with you… Joey…" I massage her feet too.

"Joe, you can't do that! You have to go… you have to."

"No, I really don't, Demi. Baby…. I have enough money for you, me and Joey to live off of for the rest of our lives. I don't care about that tour…"

"Joe you love performing. I could never… allow you to do that. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I let my boyfriend quit what he loves doing for me…"

"Demi. Just shut up. You don't know what you're talking about right now."

She's silent for a little while, taking in what I said.

"…Your dad. He'd never let you quit." She finally comes up with something to say.

"I don't care about my dad either, baby. I don't care about anything. If I quit, my dad would get over it."

"What if he didn't? What if he didn't get over it, Joe?"

"…Then I still have you. And I still have Joella. And to me… that's better than any performance in this world. I could sell out Madison Square Garden 10xs over with my brothers… and it'd still mean nothing in this world to me if I didn't have you and Joella. Do you hear me?"

Demi puts her face in her hands and sits there for a while.

It takes her a while to finally make another noise, but when she does, it's a soft sniffing noise, like she's crying.

"…Babe. Don't cry. Please don't cry. I promise it'll be okay."

"…It's not that. I just… I don't…" She sniffs and wipes her face off.

"You don't want, beautiful?"

"I don't deserve this… I don't deserve you. I don't… know why you treat me like this…"

I lean forward in the tub and kiss her. I hold her by her chin and kiss her softly. "You need to learn that you're worth more than you think, baby." I rub her arms.

She smiles softly. "Let's get out…. Before I get all pruny."

I step out of the bathtub before her and wrap a towel around my waist. I grab her a towel too and help her out of the bath. She holds my hand.

I take her back to my room and hand her some of my clothes to wear. She pulls on a pair of clean underwear that she left over here and pulls on my big, baggy t-shirt.

"Are you tired beautiful?" I ask her as I pull on some boxers and a t-shirt.

"A little bit." She gets into my bed and lies down.

I snuggle in the bed right next to her.

"Babe? I thought about it…" I lean up and kiss her on her shoulder.

"Thought about what?" She asks.

"…I will. Right now, if you want."

"…Really?"

"Really."

"Let's go then." She sounds excited, which makes me laugh.

I kiss her deeply and meaningfully. "I love you… okay?"

"I love you too." She says.

I sling myself on top of her, but I'm careful not to put my weight on her. I brace myself using my arms so that I don't fully lay on her.

I'm careful, but I slip off her underwear and mine too. She wants me to leave her shirt on, so I do.

I'm really, really careful.

But I do it anyway.

And we both enjoy ourselves.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I have to go to the doctor's today. I have to say, I really don't feel like going. I want to lie around all day. I feel really weird today. Like I have to poop, but I can't. Jade said that constipation is normal in pregnancy, though. I might take a laxative later, because I feel horrible.

I might just tell my mom to cancel my appointment today. I only have to go see my family doctor for a prescription refill. I have enough prenatal vitamins to last me, so I don't think that I even need a refill right now. I'll reschedule later. I just want to lie in my pajamas all day.

"Mommmmmy…. MOMMMY…" I yell from my bed.

"What, Demi? What do you want?" She yells back. I think I hear her from Joella's room.

"Come here…." I mumble but loud enough for her to hear.

She takes a while, which irritates me, but she comes in.

"What?"

"Can you call Carly and cancel my appointment? I don't want to go today…" I try to sound sick.

"What's the matter, Demetria?"

"I just don't want to go…" I'm truthful with her, but I leave out the part about being constipated. She'll worry if I tell her that I haven't taken a dump since yesterday.

"…Alright. But you're not just gonna sit on your ass all day. Come help me put these clothes away. I washed them all."

I sigh. "Mom, can you just leave me alone?"

"No, Demi. I'm sick of doing all your shit. Get up and help me with your kid's things. I just got her crib together, the least you can do is put her laundry away. Stop being lazy."

I think I know why I'm so moody and irritable. I ran out of Thing yesterday. It's no big deal, because Joella is still fine. She's still moving around and kicking and nudging me. She doesn't move as much, but the last time I saw Jade, she said that she stopped moving so much because I'm 32 weeks pregnant now, and it's getting way too cramped up in my uterus for her to keep moving. I only have eight more weeks to go.

I feel like I've been pregnant for years. I don't even remember what it feels like to not be pregnant.

Specifically to shut my mom up, I go into Joella's room and help her put the clothes away.

Joella has enough clothes to last her a real long time. I'm not sure when she's going to get the chance to wear them all. They're all so adorable, though. I have tons of little dresses for her to wear and cute little onesies and BOWS. I really hope she isn't bald.

"Demi, do you even have an idea of what you want her to come home in?" My mom asks. Her voice is SO annoying right now.

"I want her to come home in that purple onesie that Dallas bought." I snap.

"You need to stop being so crabby. You know what? I don't even want your help. Go take a fucking nap." She snatches the laundry basket of clothes away from me.

My mom is really mad at me. I can tell, because she used the F word. She never says that unless we REALLY drive her to it.

I take her advice anyway and go lay back in my bed. I'm taking a nap, because that's what I need to do when I'm working my way off the thing.

* * *

As soon as I wake up from my nap, I check the time.

It's 6:54 in the evening. I really just slept for five hours.

What's weirder is that Joella actually let me.

I climb out of bed.

As soon as my feet hit the floor, I get really dizzy. I really hate coming down off my high sometimes; especially whenever it takes days for me to really come down.

Surprisingly though, I don't have to pee. I usually always have to pee when I wake up.

I don't know why, but something about right now seems… strange.

I think I'm going to go eat dinner and just sleep for the rest of the night. That seems like the best thing to do.

I slide on my slippers and head downstairs. Joella isn't moving, so she must be sleeping.

"Are you in a better mood?" My mom asks as soon as I come downstairs.

I crinkle my eyebrows at her and nod. I am in a better mood. I just feel… strange. My back kind of hurts, but that's normal.

I go into the kitchen and grab a bowl of spaghetti, because I'm ravenous. I'm so hungry that I could eat everything.

I warm up my spaghetti in the microwave and go sit down in the living room with the rest of my family.

Madison is sleeping on my mom's lap, my dad is watching TV next to my mom and Dallas is on the computer.

I eat a forkful of spaghetti and check my texts. Joe texted me twice but I'm not going to text back until after I'm done eating. All I really feel like doing is sleeping right now.

I finish my bowl of spaghetti and I feel so full. Joella isn't moving still.

I think I'd probably get into some trouble if I ate and went back upstairs to sleep, so I stay and watch TV for a little while with my family. They're watching a rerun of Grey's Anatomy.

I've seen this episode before, but it's one of my favorites. I watch contently.

I still feel… weird. Like… I don't know how to describe it. But I feel weird. Like… happy but not satisfied. I feel like I'm missing something.

I poke at my stomach just because that's what I do whenever I'm bored. Plus, I want to make sure Joella's okay. I feel bad, but I have to wake her up if she is sleeping.

I push my stomach and it's REALLY hard. Like I put a rock under my skin. I can't push Joella. It usually gets hard in my stomach after I eat, but not this hard.

"Mom? Mommy… is this normal?" I ask, just to be sure.

"Is what normal, Demi? I can't move. I don't want to wake Madison." She whispers back.

"….My stomach is really hard…"

"You have a baby in there. It's going to be hard."

"…Not this hard." I mumble.

"Come over here."

I get up from the couch and stand in front of her. She puts her hand on my stomach.

"She moving?"

"No…"

My mom uses the palm of her hand and pushes in on my stomach really hard. I don't know what she did, but for some reason, that REALLY hurt.

"OW!" I scream, and I can't help it.

"Demi, calm down. I didn't even hurt you. Stop being a baby."

"No, mom… mom… that really hurt." I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. My stomach is doing something weird. It's getting really tight and I feel like I'm going to puke.

"Demi, the doctor pushes on your stomach harder than that. Stop acting like I did real damage."

"Mom I'm serious… I'm being serious. That really hurt me… my stomach… Something's wrong…" All I do is blink and tears come crashing down my cheeks. I sniff but I can't stop crying. My stomach is really tight.

"Seriously, what's the matter Demi? What about your stomach?" She puts Madison down on the couch and stands up. She knows that I'm serious this time.

"I don't know… it hurts…" I'm embarrassed to be crying the way I am, but I'm in some real pain here.

"What's it doing? You gotta tell me what it's doing." She puts her hand on my stomach.

"It's really tight… it hurts so bad. MMMMMM…." I wipe my tears again.

"Does it feel like it's tightening up? Like a fist?"

"I don't know…. I don't know… I don't know…."

My stomach hurts so bad that I honestly think that I'm going to die. I don't want her to panic though, because I know that it's probably some side effect of the Thing.

"HOW IS IT TIGHTENING, DEMI? I CAN'T HELP YOU IF YOU DON'T TELL ME…"

"I DON'T KNOW MOM! …. It feels like I'm doing sit ups but with really bad period cramps…" That's the best description I can give her.

My mom turns to my dad. "Go upstairs and get a bag together, I think she's having contractions. We gotta take her."

My dad doesn't say anything. He just goes upstairs.

I can feel the spaghetti I just ate rising up in my throat, like acid. I'm going to throw up.

"I'm gonna call Denise and tell her to meet us at the hospital." My mom tries to calm me. She takes one look at me and she knows. "Dallas, grab me the garbage can. She's going to throw up."

Dallas disappears into the kitchen.

I'm not going into labor. I'm certain that this is some weird side effect of cocaine that I don't know about. I'm worried about going to the hospital. Will they be able to tell it's cocaine addiction? I mean, they'll tell me that I'm not going into labor, I'm sure. But maybe if they're not looking for cocaine, they won't find any in my system. I sure hope they don't. I know this isn't labor, though. It's way too early.

Dallas sits the trashcan in front of me and I throw up all the spaghetti that I just ate.

My stomach isn't so tight anymore. It's mellow, but it still kind of hurts.

"Joe wants to talk to you." My mom hands me the phone.

I grab it.

"….Hullo?" I'm barely catching my breath.

"Demi? Baby, what's going on? Is this it?" He sounds really calm but I know he's probably freaking out.

"…I don't think so… I think it's just…" I stop myself. I can't tell Joe.

"Well… I'll see you at the hospital. Okay? I love you, babe. I love you so much…."

"You too…" I whisper and hang up.

My stomach is getting tight again. Fuck this hurts so bad…

* * *

The ride to the hospital and what happened when I actually arrived at the hospital is all a big blur to me. I don't remember either one real clearly. I remember my mom screaming at my dad, Dallas being angry that she had to stay home with Madison, and Joe and his mom getting here, but that's about it.

I don't remember when my stomach stopped hurting.

But what I do know is that I'm sitting here in a comfortable hospital room with an IV in my left hand and a monitor on my belly.

Jade just arrived here at the hospital and I'm glad, because the nurse here didn't know a damn thing about me.

Joe's holding my hand and rubbing my knuckles softly, which is keeping me calm for the most part, but my mind is spinning.

They don't know for sure if it really was contractions that I was experiencing. They won't know that until Jade examines me. I don't know if it was contractions either. I decide not to worry about it until I know for sure.

"It's gonna be okay babe. You'll be okay." Joe kisses my hand.

He says it, but I don't believe it.

Jade comes in the room wearing bright yellow scrubs and a smile on her face. She looks cheerful.

"Hi Demi. Hi Joe… Family." She greets us all. My mom's head perks up and Joe starts to listen.

"So I hear that you're having some stomach pains? Your mom thinks they're contractions, but we don't know… let's take a look." She grabs the paper that's coming out of this little machine with lines all over it and looks at it. "Legs open, please." She says to me.

I part my legs for her. She puts on one glove and sticks her fingers up there. "Oh goodness."

"What?" I prop myself up on my elbows.

"You are eight centimeters dilated, honey. We're going to have a baby tonight." She sounds surprised herself.

I just start to cry. I can't do anything else but cry.

First of all, it's way too early for me to have her tonight. I'm a whole eight weeks early. She can't be okay eight weeks early.

Second of all, why is she early?

So many things have just started rushing through my head.

OH MY GOD… I just realized something….

Joella is going to be born tonight. Joella is going to be eight weeks early. Joella's doctors are going to run tests on her to find out why she was born early. …what if they find it? What if they find it in her system? What if she's not okay?

Oh my god. Everyone is going to know now. How do I explain this? To my mom? To Joe's mom? To JOE?

Oh my god… what did I do? What did I do?

I thought I'd have eight more weeks to get this shit out of my own system. But she's going to be born TONIGHT. My baby is going to be born TONIGHT, and she is going to have it in her system. What if she's not okay? Joe's going to be so mad at me.

What's going to happen? To me? To my BABY? Is she going to be okay?

I'm so scared… I'm so scared.

And I'm sorry.

I never wanted this to happen… oh my god… oh my god.

What if Joella isn't okay? What if something happens to her? Joe's gonna hate me….

What's my mom gonna think? This isn't exactly the way I wanted her to find out her daughter's a cocaine addict.

What's Denise gonna think? What if she's mad at me? What if Joe's parents tell him he can't be with me?

What if Joe doesn't want to be with me?

Everyone's going to find out… they're gonna find out….

Oh my god what did I do?

What did I do?


	27. Welcome

**Demi's Point of View.**

I don't think I've ever been more scared in my entire life. Everything is happening so fast. I don't even have time to wrap my mind around anything, other than the fact that my stomach is clenching up and it has been ever since Jade took the monitor off me. I don't think Joella is too happy right now.

I didn't know that I would have my baby in this room. I thought for sure they'd wheel me off to some other room with needles and monitors and weird things everywhere. I guess maybe it was too late to get me into another room, because everything came to me. Jade came back with a pale blue sheet over her yellow scrubs and her long brown hair tied back in a ponytail. She looks like she's ready for business.

Two more doctors come into my room, one with curly red hair and one with long blonde hair. I have never seen them a day in my life.

"Demi, this is doctor McKay and doctor Harris. They're going to take care of her whenever she comes out. Since she's early, she's going to need some special attention." I think Jade can tell that I'm scared, because when she explains who the doctors are, she explains it to me softly and rubs my arm a lot.

"Oh…" Is all I can say.

Joe sits down in a chair near my head and strokes my hair. "It's going to be alright."

I don't know how to tell Joe this, but it's not going to be alright. It's really not going to be alright. I don't know when it's going to be alright.

"Demi, how often are you feeling your belly contract?" Jade asks. She has her fingers up my crotch again and it doesn't really bother me because I have other things to worry about.

"…I dunno. Every once in a while… like… ten minutes or so." I shrug.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen. I don't know much about what they do with babies and their mothers whenever they're addicted to drugs. I don't even know how long it takes for cocaine to exit your system. I don't know if they're going to test Joella or not whenever she comes out, or if it's even going to be found in her system.

To tell you the truth, I'm not really worried about what's going to happen to me. I'm more concerned about her. I haven't thought about this throughout my pregnancy, but now I'm faced with the horrible reality. Maybe she'll be born with one eye, or no feet or her intestines on the outside of her body. It really wouldn't matter to me if she were born with all that, but I'd hate to cause her any kind of problems. It'd be my fault.

"I'm going to break your water for you so we can get this going. After I break your water, you're going to start feeling the contractions, but I'll get you the pain medicine so you won't be in pain for too long, honey." Jade rubs my knee to calm me down.

"How much longer until we meet her?" Joe asks Jade.

"I'd say about…. Another hour or so." Jade grabs this thing that looks like a long needle.

I don't know if I'm ready to do this. I don't know if I'm ready for my baby to be here. But I'm ready to face my consequences. I'm really scared, but it's my entire fault. How did I end up like this? How did I let myself get this bad?

Between my legs, Jade sticks that needle up there. She moves around a little. It's uncomfortable, but it doesn't hurt. I feel like I just peed.

"The fluid is nice and clear… lean up, Demi. So we can start you on the pain medicine." She goes over to a tray that has a really long and thick needle on it, some ointment and this weird looking sponge to disinfect my back.

I know it's a little too late for this, but I think it's time for me to start doing things for Joella. I've already done enough damage to her, I don't need to drug her up some more. It's going to hurt me, but I think this is what it means to be a good mother.

"….No thank you." I say softly. I'm not sure how much Jade will listen, because nobody has been listening to me my entire pregnancy.

"Pardon me, honey?"

"…No thanks. I…. don't want to… have medicine. I'd rather not…" I speak a little louder.

"Demi, you do realize what you're getting yourself into. You do realize that you're going to be in serious pain." My mom walks over and tries to talk me out of it.

"…Yes. I know. But… I don't want the medicine." I shake my head.

"Okay. It's your choice, honey. If you don't want the medicine, we won't give it to you. We can start you with pushing on your next round of contractions, then." Jade cranks up the stirrups where I'll put my feet.

Off in the corner, the two doctors that'll take care of Joella are prepping these things to take her to whenever she comes out.

The smell of all the medicine and stuff makes this real to me. You ever have that happen?

That moment where you realize that you're in the hospital and you're about to have something done, but it doesn't become real to you until you smell the smell of bandages, medicine and rubbing alcohol. That's when you snap into actually knowing what's about to happen.

"You're going to do fine, babe. It's going to be alright." Joe kisses my lips and whispers to me. He gets up from the chair he was sitting in and stands near the end of the bed.

Is this really about to happen? I thought Jade said an hour. It hasn't been an hour yet. Has it?

I look over. My mom is standing on the opposite side of Joe, staring between my legs like everyone else in the room is.

Denise is standing beside Joe and looking too. She has her camera ready, but I really wish she wouldn't record this.

"…No cameras, please." I whisper as I put my feet into the stirrups.

"Alright, Alright. I won't record it. But I'm going to take pictures. Grandma's duty." She jokes around.

I'm not sure how much longer she'll be joking. I guess I should enjoy it while she's doing it.

Jade sits on a stool in front of me, between my legs.

I guess labor is different for everyone. But for me, it's not that bad, even without the medicine. I don't know. Maybe I'm just super tolerant of the pain, because I know what's going to really happen whenever she comes out. Or maybe Joella knows that I'm sorry, so she's going to make this as painless as possible for me. Well, I know that's a stretch, but it gives me something to hope for.

"Demi, do you feel like you have to push? Are you getting that feeling?" Jade asks. She's messing around between my legs.

"…Yes. In my butt, kinda…" I admit. I don't know why, but my voice won't come out in anything higher than a whisper.

"That's perfect. That's exactly where you're supposed to feel the need to push. Now on my count of three, I want you to bear down with your bottom and give me a good push."

I want to start crying so badly. I don't even know what else to do besides cry. I can't explain myself to anyone… I don't know how to. But what if everyone hates me?

Jade counts to three, and I push once. It doesn't hurt. It's just tiring.

What if Joella is born with major problems? Why haven't I thought about this before? At the time, cocaine seemed like a good idea. But now, in retrospect, it was a horrible thing to do.

Jade counts to three again. I push once more. How long is this going to take?

I look over at Joe. He's watching between my legs with a little smile on his face. He must see something that I can't.

My mom's hand is over her mouth. I think she's crying.

Denise smiling really big too.

I wish I could see what they're seeing.

It feels weird, because I can feel Jade pulling while I'm pushing. Is she pulling my baby out?

You ever been waiting for something for so long, and when you finally get it, it's so much better than what you hoped? I don't think any of you have ever been pregnant before, so I'll put it more simply. Maybe your mom told you that you're going to go on vacation? And you wait so long to finally go on vacation. The anticipation builds up and you don't know if you're going to make it to whenever you actually go. But then you finally get there. And you finally go. And it's even better than you ever imagined it would be. Nothing in this world has ever been more worth it.

I feel a tiny little lump just fall against my upper stomach. The room is filled with the sounds of her loud, obnoxious wails. I look down at her and try to examine her myself to see if anything is wrong with her. I can't really see anything. She's a grayish color with streaks of red and green mucus-like stuff all over her. All that doesn't matter to be. She's really tiny too. I think she's beautiful, but I can't see much of her.

"She's so cute!" My mom squeals.

I wish I could see her face and stuff, but I can't. I can't prop myself up too good.

Jade cuts her umbilical cord quickly and immediately takes her away from me.

I didn't even get to see her. She was pulled out of me, laid on my chest for a minute, cut off from me and taken away. I don't know what she looks like.

Joe leans down and kisses me deeply. "You did so good babe. So good… I'm so proud of you." He's crying softly.

"…Is she alright?" I ask him, as if he'd know.

"She's fine, babe. She's beautiful." He glances over his shoulder to wear Joella is being taken care of.

Dr. McKay and Dr. Harris are both over in a corner with my baby doing things to her. All I'm concentrating on are the sounds of her cries. She's loud and it's a really naggy little cry, but I think it's absolutely beautiful.

Jade is sitting on the stool in front of me again, cleaning me up down there. Apparently, I tore pretty bad. I didn't even realize it, and I still don't. I'm not in any pain.

I look over to my side and I see it lying there on this tray. Oh my god… I'm going to be sick.

I have never seen so much blood in my life. My OWN blood too. I'm really sorry to be nasty, but they need to get it away from me before I am seriously sick. I knew there was the whole afterbirth thing and they had to take the placenta and all that nasty crap out of me, but I didn't know that they were going to lay it next to me on a TRAY. I'm going to throw UP.

I clamp my handover my mouth.

"You okay babe?" Joe leans down and strokes my hair, but he's not focused on me. He's staring over at Joella.

"Mhm." I lie to him.

Jade finally cleans me up completely. I'm all clean now, with a new, bloodless hospital gown and six stitches between my legs. I'm still not in any pain. I'm just really tired and wondering what's going to happen next.

"I just wanna see her… what are they doing to her?" I ask Joe. He can see more than I can.

"They're weighing her and giving her some antibiotics. I think they're going to bring her over." He reassures me.

"Dr. Anderson… we need you over here." Dr. McKay calls over to Jade.

I stretch my neck to see what they're doing to her. I can see her a little bit. She's really small. I think she's naked still. I can't see anything else.

Jade walks over to the doctors and they talk in private. I wonder if they're discussing it.

"I'll speak with her about it. But I think you're wrong. Get the baby's results and then we'll talk. In the meantime, just work right here." I hear Jade say to the red headed doctor, but I really had to listen to be able to hear that.

Jade walks back over to me, my mom, Joe and Joe's mom.

"I need to speak with Demi in private for a brief moment, please. Everyone out of the room for about… five or so minutes." Jade sounds really nice and maybe she doesn't know.

My mom doesn't look like she's going to leave. Joe and his mom leave willingly, but my mom stays put.

"With all due respect, Mrs. De La Garza, I need to speak to your daughter alone right now. Whether Demi tells you what we speak about is totally up to her, but it's hospital policy that I discuss this with her in private." She politely shoos my mother.

My mom gives me this look and I nod at her. She follows Denise and Joe out of the room and shuts the door behind her.

Jade sits down on the edge of my bed with me. Joella's silent, laying underneath a light over in the corner. I just want to hold her.

"…Demi, do you know what we have to speak about?"

I focus on the pattern on the blanket because that's easier to look at than to look into Jade's eyes.

"No…" I say softly.

"…You don't? Well let's start with all the reasons that a baby could be born prematurely… In most cases, a woman's uterus isn't strong enough to carry a baby to full term, a mother's high blood pressure may cause a baby to be born early, the mother's height and weight can cause preterm labor… drug and alcohol exposure to a fetus… Many things can cause a baby to be born a little earlier."

"…Oh." I bite my lip so that I don't cry.

"And the first thing we do whenever we have a premature baby is ask the mother what kind of risk factors may have affected the baby. And maybe it's because you have a history with anorexia and bulimia that little Joella was born early. Do you think that's it?"

"…Maybe…. I don't know." I shrug. A tear falls from my eye.

"So… if a mother can't tell us what factors she was at risk for… we start to look at the baby's behavior. And typically… when a baby is very irritable at birth, whiny and really fussy, that baby is going through withdrawal. So if we suspect infantile withdrawal, we use the vile of blood we collected from the baby's umbilical cord and drug test it."

"….Okay." My bottom lip is trembling so bad.

"…Demi. I'm not here to judge you, sweetie. I'm not here to tell you about your horrible mistakes. I'm not here to make you feel like a bad mom. Because I don't think you're a bad mom, honey. I just think you made some rotten choices. Yes?" She hands me a tissue.

I dab my eyes with the tissue. "Yes…"

"But if you used any illegal substances while you were pregnant with your baby, you have to tell us. So that we can treat you and Joella."

"…Are you going to tell my mom?" I finally look up at her and she looks like she really feels for me.

"I'm not required to. I don't have to tell your mom anything you don't want me to tell her. However, it is hospital policy that we post on a baby's information if it's suffering from drug withdrawal. So if I don't tell your mom, and she looks at Joella's information sheet, she will see."

"….I'm sorry." I don't know what else to say, but sorry seems right.

"Don't be sorry, sweetheart. Don't be sorry… I just need you to tell me what drugs you used." She rubs my back.

"…C…cocaine?" I hang my head in shame after I say that.

"Thank you, Demi. You've really helped us… and Joella a lot." I can see on her face that cocaine is the worst thing you can do to an unborn baby.

"…What's gonna happen? Are they going to take her away from me?" It's so hard for me to ask that question, because my chest is just trembling and I can't stop crying.

"…Unfortunately… they might try. Now, I get a say in this. Sometimes, when a drug mother comes in here and gives birth to her baby, they get child services involved and yes, the baby would be removed from your care. However, in this case, I can opt for them to leave Joella in hospital custody, where she'd have to be anyway until she's well enough to go home. Your parental rights would not be terminated. You'd be ordered to do outpatient therapy. They would not let Joella come home with you if you weren't clean."

"…Okay…"

"I need you to calm down a little…"

"…Can you tell my family? Explain it to them?"

"Your mother doesn't know that you've been addicted to coke in the past? She would just now be finding out?"

I nod slowly and start crying again.

"I'll explain it to her, honey. I'll explain…" She hands me more tissues.

"…Can I hold her?" I sniff hard but I just can't stop sobbing.

"In a minute, yes. Right now, we just want to stabilize her temperature and make sure she's warm. She's having a little bit of breathing trouble. I'll bring her over in about ten-twenty minutes."

"She's okay? Is she disabled?"

Jade smiles a little. "She's perfectly perfect. She has an extra… but we'll remove that when the time is right. It seems like she enjoys to suck on it."

I can't help but smile a little bit too. "She has an extra thumb?"

"Yes. But it's perfectly fine. It's not harming her and we see that every day in all kinds of babies. We'll remove it before she comes home. Now just relax, Demi. In a few minutes, I'll bring you a detox drink. So you can clean out your system just in case you wish to breastfeed her. I'm going to go tell your mother and Joe now, okay?"

"Okay…"

I watch her as she walks outside. I look over at Joella. She's still quiet, lying underneath that light. She has a bandage around her left hand, so I think that's where her extra thumb is. I just wish I could see her up close. She has a tiny body, but she's chubby as hell. She has a little pink hat on her head and that's all. She's naked. I can't wait to hold her. And tell her how sorry I am.

I out into the hall through the big glass window.

Jade is explaining something to my mom, Denise and Joe.

My mom's face is pale white and her eyes are so wide that they look like bottlecaps.

Denise looks really confused.

Joe is pissed off and angry as hell.

I'm just really scared. I hope they understand.

I hope they know how sorry I really am.


	28. For Now

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm really afraid of how everyone will react to this news.

I guess I shouldn't be too afraid, because whatever punishment or judgments I get, I completely deserve. I've disappointed my mom, I'm sure. Joe's mom probably doesn't want anything to do with me. Joe is probably going to break up with me. But he said he loves me… does that still count? If he doesn't love me anymore, I understand. I deserve whatever. I told him I'd stop, and he trusted me.

I keep watching through the window. My mom looks like she's crying.

I try hard to read their lips. Here's what I made out:

Jade: Demi is really sorry and she just needs support right now. I think you should go speak to her and let her know that you're still here for her.

My Mom: I can't even look at her right now.

Joe: I don't want to talk to her.

Denise: Joe you should go talk to her.

Joe pinches the bridge of his nose and walks into the room with me again.

The first place his eyes go is over to where Joella is still resting naked under the light. He goes over to her instead of me.

"Hey little girl… Hey pretty lady." He whispers to her and holds her bandaged hand.

I don't say anything to him. I look down at the blanket and play with the bracelet on my wrist. I brush my index finger softly across the raised up, pale white horizontal and vertical lines that scar my left wrist. I used to forget why I did that. But sitting here in this hospital, I remember why. And I can still justify my actions, because I just hate myself that much. I'm such a lousy person. I count the scars just to keep my mind off Joe in the room with me.

1…2…3….4…5….

"They need to get a diaper on you before you go poo poo." Joe leans down and kisses Joella on her head.

I lose count of my scars whenever I reach 43, including the little burn marks from the two times I put out a cigarette on my skin.

Joe leaves Joella alone and walks over to me. He stands beside me.

I still don't look at him. I feel like I'm about to burst into tears, but I have to keep myself together. I keep looking down at my scars, trying to remember whenever I did each one. I remember the time I slit my wrist because my dad called me the biggest disappointment ever, whenever he found out that I was still dating Trace. It took me an hour to get that one to stop bleeding.

All of a sudden, Joe softly picks my left hand up. He squeezes my wrist in his left hand and holds my hand still. If he squeezes me any harder, I think he'll break my wrist. He's being soft with me but rough at the same time. He brings his other hand over and grabs my fingers. He circles my ring finger, and with one movement, he yanks the beautiful green ring he bought me off my finger. He puts it in his pocket.

My finger looks so bare without the ring on it. Something tells me that I'm not going to get the ring back, though.

"…How could you? What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks me. His voice is hard and really cold, with very little emotion. I know he means it.

I still don't look up at him.

"…Really? You….YOU fucked up… OUR baby… and you're giving ME the silent treatment?" He's really angry with me.

I look up at him through the corner of my eye. His face is so red that I'm scared. I really am afraid to be in here alone with Joe right now.

"SAY SOMETHING, DEMI! I'M NOT PISSING AROUND WITH YOU!" He screams at me in a way that Joe has never screamed at me before. He's never done this to me.

"…I'm sorry." I barely whisper. A cold tear falls down on my hand.

"SORRY? YOU'RE SORRY?!" His voice is so loud and harsh that I jump.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" I repeat myself because I don't know what else to say to him.

Just then, he turns completely to me and grabs my shoulders in his hands so tight that they become numb. I can't feel like arms because he has my shoulders in such a tight grasp. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?! HOW COULD YOU, DEMI?!" He starts shaking me really hard.

He's hurting me, but I decide not to say anything about it. I'm really scared right now.

"ANSWER ME, DEMI! ANSWER ME! HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING DUMB?! I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT! SAY SOMETHING TO ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD!" He's still shaking me and I think I heard something snap in my shoulder.

"I said I'm sorry… you're hurting me…" I know it isn't appropriate for me to tell him that he's hurting me, but I have to get him off me. I'm scared of him right now.

"STOP SAYING SORRY! DON'T APOLOGIZE TO ME! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO THAT TO HER, DEMI?! SHE'S JUST A BABY! SHE'S A **BABY!** I HOPE THEY TAKE HER AWAY FROM YOU! I HOPE THEY NEVER LET YOU SEE HER! EVER! I HOPE YOU…" I thought his grip on my shoulders couldn't get any tighter, but it does. And he digs his fingers deeper into my shoulder blades and I hear something pop and I want him to stop and he's hurting me and I'm sorry.

I can't do anything but cry. He doesn't seem to care that he's hurting me. He knows he's hurting me, but he won't stop.

I finally pick my head up and look at him. His eyes are fledged with tears and his face is so red and the veins in his neck and popping and they're purple. He looks really scary and I don't think he loves me anymore. "You're hurting me! I said I was sorry!" I don't yell at him, but I kind of raise my voice because if I don't, he won't hear me over his own yelling.

"I DON'T CARE IF I'M HURTING YOU! YOU HURT HER!"

My mom and Denise both rush into the room and I'm so thankful.

"Joe, Joe… get off her. Joe stop it. Joe stop it." Denise is talking to him in a calm way. I know she's afraid of him when he's like this too. She puts her hands on his hands and tries to pry him off me. Joe just tightens his grip on my shoulders. He's holding me so tight that his arms are shaking.

"Get off of her. You're really hurting her." My mom chimes in as she looks at the kind of grip he has on my shoulders.

It takes him a moment to cool off, but he loosens his grip on my shoulders and eventually lets go.

When he lets go, my arms get that pinchy, tingly feeling in them. The kind of feeling your foot gets whenever it falls asleep. But it's ten times worse.

I'm crying so hard that my stomach muscles hurt really bad from heaving and sobbing.

"You go calm down. You go outside and get some air and drink some water. You get out of here." My mom snaps at Joe, but she doesn't seem too angry.

"I'll tell a doctor to come in here and look at her arms." Denise says in her usual sweet tone, but she glares at Joe in a way that lets him know that he REALLY fucked up.

I don't want them to kick him out… he deserves to be here. It's not his fault that he reacted like that. It's my fault. I deserved that. And even though I can't feel my arms from my shoulder blades to my fingertips, I deserved that too.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I need to calm down. I don't know what I need, but I really need to calm down. Oh my god, Demi is so lucky that I didn't hit her.

I really thought I was going to hurt her worse than what I did. I really could have.

I really wanted to HURT her.

It's a scary thing whenever you black out the way I just did. Especially when it's on someone you love. I just blacked completely out. You ever been so mad that you just get tunnel vision and you don't really know what you're doing?

I'm so grateful that my mom and Dianna came in that room, because if they hadn't, I think I might have broken a few of Demi's bones, if I didn't already.

I never wanted to hurt Demi like that. I swear I didn't want to.

But COME ON.

She did COCAINE the entire time. Our baby is eight weeks early, struggling to breathe on her own because of HER.

And she KNEW what she was doing. SHE KNEW.

Joella could be DEAD because of her.

I sit down in the hallway with a cup of water and pinch the bridge of my nose. I don't know what else I'm going to do with Demi.

I want to take her to court, honestly. I want to take her in front of a judge and get full custody of Joella and never let Demi see her again. I really hope that the hospital gets Child Services involved.

I don't think Demi even deserves to be a mother. She doesn't deserve anything to do with Joella. She already put her in enough harm.

Demi's hopeless. She's never going to stop with the cocaine. I've tried so hard. So many fruitless efforts have been made. I even took all her stashes from her to get her to stop. And even that wasn't enough.

I'm completely done with her. I've tried to help her, but this is the last straw for me.

It becomes enough whenever her fucking addiction put our baby's life in danger. I'm done.

I took my ring back, and I'm never talking to her again.

Joella WILL come home with me and she WILL NEVER see Demi.

I pinch the bridge of my nose a little harder and try to clear my thoughts. I'm crying, and I fucking hate crying.

I take a sip of the water and continue to calm down.

I look up when I hear footsteps coming my way.

It's not my mom. It's Demi's mom.

She sits down next to me and hands me a bottle of Pepsi instead of the water I'm drinking.

"Thanks." I sniff and take the bottle.

"…They're gonna bring the baby off the incubator in a few minutes. I want you to come in and hold her." She rubs my back roughly with the palm of her hand and that just makes me let it all go.

I start to cry a little harder, but I'm still okay. "….I didn't meant to hurt her, Miss Dianna." I wipe my eyes hard and shake my head.

"I know you didn't… I know you didn't. I know you love her, Joe." She keeps rubbing my back.

I sigh and keep wiping my eyes.

"Just calm down before you come back into that room. It's alright, Joe." She gives my back a final pat and stands up. She walks back to Demi's room.

I sit there for a little while longer.

Dianna's right.

I do love Demi. I love her so much it hurts. That's what makes all this confusing. It's confusing because I love Demi so much that I don't want to see anything bad happen to her, but at the same time I want her to be punished for doing this to Joella.

That's crazy, isn't it?

I'm in love with a cocaine addict.

And I still love her, even though she hurt our baby.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

My arms hurt so bad that I can't flex the muscles in my shoulders. This really handsome blonde doctor came in and checked out my arms. He said he didn't think that anything too bad was wrong with them, just some nerve damage. But he'll come back for an x-ray later to see if anything is broken. He said there was significant bruising on my right shoulder, so it wouldn't surprise him if something in there was broken or dislocated. But he didn't want to interfere with my "mommy-time" so he'd come back a little later.

He gave me this shot in my shoulders so that they're numb enough to allow me to hold Joella but the numbness will wear off in a little while.

I guess I don't blame Joe for hurting me like that. I'd hurt me too if I were him. I deserved that.

My mom hasn't really said anything to me, other than "I can't even look at you." I think that hurt a little worse than Joe's grips on my shoulders.

Remember how I said 99.9% of the time I hate myself?

Well that's changed.

I now 100% of the time hate myself. I really do hate myself. I'm not just saying that because I want attention or anything. It's true. I really don't think any kind of disappointment that I've caused both our families can compare to the disappointment and judgment I put on myself. I'm just ashamed of myself.

I used to think that I had something to be proud of when it came to my music. You know how that is? Whenever you have one thing to fall back on anytime you think that you're useless. Well I don't even have my music to fall back on anymore, so I'm just hopeless. I'm not good for anything anymore.

I swear I'm not saying this for attention. I'm saying this because I really believe it's true. But I really think that I won't be alive much longer. I don't think I'm going to let myself live through this. I'm already really ashamed of myself. Oh, and let's not mention what kind of story this is going to be whenever it hits headlines. I can see it already. "Crackhead Lovato gives birth to crack baby."

I'm just really ashamed of myself. I don't know… how else to put it. It's one thing for me to be so stupid as to put my own life in danger, but I put Joella's life in danger too. What kind of person am I?

I used to think that I was a decent person that just made really stupid decisions, but now I'm not so sure. I just think I'm a bad person in general.

The only thing that's really giving me any ounce of closure right now is the fact that I know that they won't have to put up with me much longer.

I used to have a list that I went through in my head, of who I wouldn't kill myself for. I used to think that Joe would miss me really bad, so I won't kill myself for him. He was always top of my list. Then Joella was next. Then my mom.

But that's not working anymore. Joe already practically wants me gone, so what difference would it make to him if I were dead? Joella's life would be better without me in it, anyway. She doesn't need a drug addicted mother. And then my mom's life would be better without me too. I'd stop disappointing her so much if I were dead.

I'm too ashamed of myself to even look at myself in the mirror.

Right on cue, Jade walks back in the room. She looks kind of chipper.

"Who's ready to meet their mommy? Hmm?" She coos to Joella as she detaches her from all these monitors.

I guess I'm happy that I'm finally going to get to see my baby.

I watch Jade.

She takes a monitor off Joella's stomach, one off her chest and one off her foot. She pulls a wire from her nose and one from her mouth. She puts a diaper on her and turns off the light she was lying under.

Joella begins to cry and squirm as she lies on the table. I like the sound of her cry.

Jade secures the hat on her head and wraps her in a big pink blanket. "Say it's about time I meet my mommy. Say I've been dying to meet her." She "makes" Joella say as she brings her over to me.

I'm alone in the room right now. My mom is on her way back from the bathroom and Denise went to go get Joe.

I prep my arms for her. I'm a little eager to hold her, even though I don't feel like I deserve to.

Very carefully, Jade leans down and puts my baby in my arms. And everything feels right. It doesn't feel perfect. It just feels like this is how it's supposed to be. It feels right. For right now.

"…Hi…" I look down at her and I feel like I'm going to cry. I finally get a good look at her and she is the most perfect baby I have ever laid my eyes on. Maybe I'm biased, but I don't care.

She has perfect, pinkish, pale white skin. Her cheeks are so chubby that they smush together when she lays against my chest. She has tiny little red lips and a little tongue that's sticking out. Her eyes are closed and I can see that her eyelashes are so long and thick that they look fake. Just like I suspected, she has thick eyebrows, but they aren't bushy; they're just unruly and spin off in different directions, with a little "swoop" on the ends. The swoop won't lay down. I touch the dimple in her chin. She has a butt chin, like her mommy. Just like both me and Joe, she has a little beauty mark on the corner of her mouth. She has Joe's pug nose. She doesn't look like a premature baby. She's just a little small, but she has a lot of baby fat. She. Is. Perfect.

"…You're so pretty. You're so pretty." I say to her. I use my thumb and stroke her chubby cheek. She sticks her tongue out some more at me and I can see that she has really deep dimples in both her cheeks. It looks like she has holes in her cheeks, that's how deep her dimples are. I lean down and kiss them.

I feel okay in this moment. I still hate myself, but she takes my mind off it.

"Ehhhehh… Ehhh…" She moans and squirms in my arms and moves her hand out of her blanket. Her little noises are perfect too.

"Can I see her hand? Can I take this off?" I ask Jade, pointing to the bandage on her hand.

"Yeah. You can take it off. We were just trying to get her to stop sucking on it long enough for us to get a tube in her mouth." Jade's typing something into a computer.

I carefully rip the bandage off and look at her hand. Her hand is so tiny that it's scary. Her palms have the same pattern in them as mine do on my hands. Her fingers are chubby too. I look at her thumb. It looks normal to me. On her original little thumb, there's just another tiny thumb sprouting from it. It's kind of cute. I touch it softly and Joella pulls her hand away from me. I guess she doesn't like for it to be touched.

"We'll remove that in a little while. Maybe in about a week." Jade says.

"…No rush." I whisper. It doesn't matter to me. She's still a perfect little baby. She's so stinking pretty.

Joella opens her eyes up for a second but closes them again. She moans softly.

"Good morning to you too…" I smile. "Will I be able to feed her and stuff? And change her diaper?"

"You can change her right now if she needs it. But as far as feeding goes, we'd still like to wait for that. She's going to need some help with that. It's either breathing or eating with her. It can't be both at the same time right now. She isn't strong enough."

"Okay…" I stroke her head.

I wonder….

Real softly, I peel off her little pink hat. I'm just curious.

When I take off her hat, I'm quite satisfied. She has a HEADFUL of fluffy dark brown hair. I touch her hair. It's really soft and still a little slick.

"…We're going to give her a bath, right?" I'm so content right now that nothing in this world can phase me.

"If you guys would like to give her a little sponge bath, you'd have to do it over there on the table underneath the light. She can't keep herself warm just yet."

I kiss Joella's chubby little cheek again. "Maybe a little later."

I lick my thumb and smooth her little eyebrows down. She squirms and moans again.

"If she gets real fussy again, we'll give her another dose of the detox."

"Detox?" I ask.

"Drug babies are treated just like drug mothers. We have to wean her off the drug like we're weaning you off."

"Oh…"

Just then, Denise, my mom, Joe, Dallas, Nick, My dad and Joe's dad all come in the room. Dallas has a bunch of balloons and Nick has a box of what looks like takeout.

I wonder who's at home with Madison. Maybe she went over and sat with Kevin and Frankie. I don't know.

"Let me see her!" Dallas squeals and comes over to me.

I smile wide and let her touch and kiss all over Joella, but I don't let her hold her. I still want my time.

Nick walks over to the bed and looks at her too. "…She's really cute." He smiles. "Oh. And here." He hands me the box. "Thought you might be hungry, so we brought you some Chinese."

"Thanks, Nick."

Joe comes over to me and doesn't say anything. He just takes Joella right from my arms and takes her over to my dad and his dad.

Okay, I know I fucked up, but that doesn't give him the right to just take her from me. She's still my baby. It's not like I was hurting her right now.

I just watch as they pass her around. I sigh.

I wonder if they all know about my big mistake.

Dallas walks over to me and sits on the bed next to me. She rubs my arm lovingly. "…It's okay. We aren't mad at you." She whispers.

There's my answer.

I just nod at Dallas and hope that my baby will find her way back to my arms soon.

From Joe's dad's arms, she's passed to Dallas. Dallas brings her over to me and sits beside me as she holds her.

"She is so precious, Demi. Look at all that hair…" Dallas smiles so wide that I can't help but smile too.

In Dallas's arms, Joella starts squirming around a whole lot and she starts crying a little loudly.

"Oh no… what's wrong?" Dallas coos.

I look over at Jade. Jade grabs a syringe and sucks up some orange liquid from a cup. The same orange liquid that I had to drink about an hour ago.

As carefully as possible, Jade puts the syringe in the corner of Joella's mouth and squirts the orange liquid in there.

Joella screams a little louder. Her screams are so loud that my ears ring.

"What was that?" Dallas asks me.

"…Something." I mumble. I just rub Joella's hair and try to calm her down.

I understand what withdrawal is like. It must be ten times worse for a baby.

I use my thumb and wipe off some excess orange stuff that Joella spit out.

I lean down and kiss her on her cheek.

"…I'm sorry, baby girl." I whisper to her.

I really am sorry.


	29. Perfectly Imperfect

**Joe's Point of View.**

Our families leave the hospital after a while, and it's just the four of us again. Me, Demi, Demi's mom and my mom.

Joella's only able to be out of the incubator for a little while at a time, because she still doesn't know how to control her temperature properly. The doctor said it's normal, but Joella's temper is very touchy. It doesn't take much to set her off and make her cry, but it seems like she's a sweet little baby.

We're allowed to give her a sponge bath later on tonight and the doctor is going to teach Demi how to feed her from her breast.

Personally, I don't think that Demi should be able to feed our baby if she still has that shit in her system, but I guess it's okay if the doctor says it is.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being mean to Demi. But I just can't believe her. I seriously can't. Me and her talked about this whenever she first found out. She swore to me that she'd stop. She lied to me.

And she hurt our baby. Joella won't be able to get out of his hospital for another eight weeks. She has to pass a buttload of tests before we can take her home.

I watch while Demi's doctor performs a couple tests on Joella. I think Joella's sleeping, because she doesn't cry or whine, even whenever Jade pricks her heel to test her blood.

Some blonde haired doctor comes into the room with us and checks on Demi. I don't want to, but I listen to what he's saying anyway.

"Scale of 1-10, how's the pain?" He asks her. He touches her gingerly on her arms.

"It's only an eight…" Demi whispers to him. She's talking at the ground as if she's afraid to look up at him.

"An eight's too high for me. Let's take a look." He unlaces her gown and pulls it down over her shoulders.

She has some pretty nasty bruises on her shoulders. They're in the shape of my handprints.

"I'll go get your x-rays developed and I'll see about them tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll give you some more shots to numb the pain so that you can sleep tonight. It seems like there's some pretty bad nerve damage in here, but I'll take a further look tomorrow morning. I don't want to cut in on your mommy time again." He grabs a long needle and injects something into Demi's shoulder blade. She winces.

"Thanks…" Demi whispers to him. The doctor gives her a welcoming smile and gathers his things and leaves the room.

I focus back on Joella again. She's resting peacefully under the light. She has a tube up her nose. She is gorgeous.

I hear something crash to the floor behind me.

I turn around and look to see what it was.

Demi is trying to feed herself, but she dropped her tray of food onto the floor. She looks pathetic.

Serves her right.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I feel like poop, to say the least. I'll explain.

I feel like I don't really have a purpose to be alive anymore. I screwed up so bad. My mom won't talk to me. She said "she just doesn't know what to say." My dad came to the hospital, my mom told him about my mistake, and then that was it for him. He held Joella. Kissed her. Cuddled with her. Looked at me. Shook his head. And left. Joe hates me. He's being so harsh and standoffish to me.

Not to mention, I feel pretty bad physically too.

I'm really hungry and I can't hold a fork without dropping everything because my hands and arms are numb. I have a really strange headache. The kind of headache that comes from my eyes, not my actual head. Between my legs, I feel like I crapped out a knife and the stitches in my crotch are really uncomfortable. I just don't feel good. I just want to lay down and sleep. And maybe never wake up.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to open up a granola bar when your fingers are numb? I just want to eat to shut the nagging hunger in my stomach up.

I suppose I deserve all this. The whole being looked down upon and ashamed of.

Nobody has showed me any kindness lately except for Jade. And she'll be leaving soon, after we bathe and feed Joella.

I think Joella has to go sleep in the NICU tonight, which is a place where they put babies so they can get better. I have to sleep in this hospital bed. It's not exactly uncomfortable, I just don't feel like I'll be able to sleep whenever my arms feel the way they do.

I manage to tear open my granola bar. I lean my head forward and lift my hand as best as I can. I can't make it to my mouth.

I put the granola bar down and sigh.

I feel bad about how this older nurse is cleaning up the mess I made by dropping my tray on the ground. If I could, I'd get out of this bed and help her.

She cleans up the tray of turkey and mashed potatoes that I had and she's a good sport about it. I make a mental note to hand her a $20 bill before I leave here. I should've been cleaning it up. It's my mess.

My stomach roars loudly and I have to really try hard to not cry.

I'm one of those people that like to have a reason behind everything. And I think the reason behind me not being able to feed myself is the fact that I don't really deserve to eat right now.

I lean down and wipe my tears on the shoulder of my shirt.

Quietly, Joe walks over to my bed. He doesn't say anything to me at all. He grabs the box of Chinese food that Nick brought for me and leaves the room with it.

I thought Nick brought that for me… but if Joe's hungry, I guess he can have it. I can't feed it to myself anyway.

When Joe's gone, I don't feel so embarrassed anymore, so I just let myself cry.

I have to be alone to cry the way I'm crying right now.

You ever been to a shopping mall and you see a little lost child who's sobbing really hard and wanting his mommy to come back? That's how I'm crying.

The only difference between me and the little child is that my mommy isn't looking for me too. And my mommy really isn't coming back to me.

I sniff hard and bite my lip hard to keep back the wails. I don't want to wake Joella up with my relentless sobbing.

Joe walks back in the room and I pull myself together really fast. The tears still won't stop, but my sobbing has let up.

He's still quiet. He has the box of Chinese food in his hand and a fork and a can of soda.

That food smells so good that my stomach growls again.

Joe walks over to me and sets the food down on the table next to me. He pulls the little bed-tray out and puts the food in front of me on the bed-tray. He sits in front of me on the bed.

He reaches out and grabs my chin softly. He strokes my face. He uses the pads of his fingers and wipes my tears.

He stabs some chicken and rice on the fork, blows on it and holds it by my mouth. I lean in and eat it.

"…What you did… was really… Stupid, Demi." His voice is really soft for me as he feeds me some more food.

"….I know. and I'm really sorry." More tears spill over my eyelids and I can't stop.

"Stop crying… stop crying. You have to stop crying." He tilts the can of soda to my lips.

I drink a little.

"Stop crying, beautiful. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm really sorry for hurting you like that. I love you… you just made a mistake." He kisses my cheek.

"No… don't apologize to me. I'm sorry. It's my fault. I deserved it, Joe…"

"No, Demi. Get that out of your head. I don't care what you did. You didn't deserve for me to hurt you. I'm sorry." He continues to feed me the food.

"But…"

"Just shut up, Demi. Don't say anything… I'm sorry baby girl." He kisses my shoulders. "Are you full?"

"…Yes."

Jade walks in the room wheeling a cart. "Joella said she's tired of being stinky."

I crack a smile at that. I really missed holding her.

Joe cleans up my area that I had the food and clears out a spot on the bed to lay the baby. He walks over to her and picks her up. It's so funny to see big, humungous Joe holding a tiny small baby.

"Waaake up, pretty lady. Wake up." Jade croons to her.

Joella squirms in Joe's arms but she's still. Joe lies her down on my bed and I get a really good look at her again.

I don't think she can get any more beautiful. She's such a perfect little baby.

"What you guys are gonna do is sponge-bathe her. She might fuss a little, but that's only because she's cold. In order to keep her warm, only do one body part at a time." Jade explains and hands me a little yellow sponge.

I dip it into the water that's on the cart that Jade was pushing. The water is really hot.

Joe's busy taking off Joella's blanket.

I haven't seen her from the waist down yet. I'm excited to see what her little buttcheeks look like and stuff.

I scrub her little feet with plain warm water first. She clenches her toes under and moans. I lean forward and kiss her feet. It's really hard for me to wash her up with numb fingers, but I'm determined to bathe my baby.

I take off her diaper. She has a little smidge of thick, tar-like poop in her diaper. "…Did you leave me a present?" My first dirty diaper… I don't know how to feel about this.

I've seen my mom change Madison before. So I know that I'm supposed to wipe the poop off her butt with the diaper before I clean her off.

I wipe her with the diaper and start washing her butt. "Oh my goodness, Joe looky!" I exclaim and I point to her butt. She has a light brown heart-shaped birthmark on her ass. It's so cute.

Joe, of course snaps a picture of it.

"…Did you tell them yet?" I'm almost done bathing Joella. I'm finishing off with her head. Her hair is so thick and fluffy.

"Tell who?" Joe asks.

"…The press?"

"I thought I should ask you first…" He hands me a diaper to put on her.

That really means something. Throughout my entire pregnancy, nobody has ever asked me how I felt about anything. He's asking me now…

"…I guess they have to know sometime. Just make sure you let me know what you post." I strap a new diaper on Joella.

I can tell that Joe is super happy to tell people about our baby. He stands off to the side of Joella and snaps a picture of her hospital bracelet. It takes him a moment to type what he wants to type, but he posts the tweet. He hands me his phone when he's done and takes over on dressing the baby.

I read his tweet.

He has the most adorable picture of Joella. It's not even of her face and it's REALLY adorable. Her little foot is clenched with a pink bandaid on her heel where Jade pricked her foot to check her blood. All that is visible is her hospital bracelet, her tiny little foot and her chubby little ankle.

Along with the picture, he wrote: I guess she couldn't wait any longer to see the world. Everybody, meet Joella Sophia Jonas. Born September 3rd at 1:45 a.m. She is 5 pounds and 6 ounces of pure cuteness! :)

"Is it okay to post?" He asks.

"It's perfect." I say.

I pick Joella up and hold her in my arms.

You know, I don't know if I'm ever really going to forgive myself.

And It's going to take a whole lot of work for me to fully even be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

But it's not perfect right now.

And that's what makes it perfect.


	30. It's Better

**Demi's Point of View.**

The hospital bed wasn't that uncomfortable last night. In fact, I slept pretty well. Maybe I only slept well because I'm exhausted from the day's events, but I don't care. I slept restfully.

I blink my eyes as I wake up from my restful slumber. I was so tired last night. I yawn a little. I blink my eyes again.

"Ehh ehh ehh ehh…" I hear moaning coming from the side of me where my back is turned to. Is Joella in here this early?

"Shh shh shh…"

I turn myself so that I'm facing the moans and the shhs. Joe's standing there, holding her and bouncing her.

I stifle another loud yawn. "Uhhhh…"

"Say it's about time mommy woke up… Say I missed hers." Joe's talking in a voice that is so cute and babylike.

I smile a little and prop myself and lean against the headboard of the bed. My arms still hurt a little, but I feel okay.

"Say I've been waiting for you to wake up for a half hour mommy." Joe walks her over to me and hands her off.

"Hi honey… Hello." I secure her in my arms and pat her butt softly.

She groans really loud and squirms in my arms. "nyehhh…" She kicks her leg hard.

"Shhh… it's okay boo boo." I lean down and kiss her tiny little pug nose.

She opens her eyes and I get to see them for the first time. They're so beautiful. They're brown and really round. They're a beautiful brown, though. They're light brown with little grey specs in them. The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

"Hello. Hello! Finally. You can see me. Do you like what I look like or am I ugly to you?" I stroke my fingers across her wild little eyebrows. She looks away from me and over at Joe.

"Is she hungry? Has anyone fed her yet?" I ask Joe. I rub on Joella's little hands.

"I don't know. They just took her out of the NICU a half hour ago." Joe sits down beside us. He touches Joella's two thumbs, but she pulls away from him.

"She doesn't like it when you touch them." I lay her down between my legs on the bed and unwrap her from her blanket.

"You think it hurts her?"

"Jade said it shouldn't hurt her. But she just doesn't like for them to be touched." I take her blanket from her. She has her chubby little legs pulled into her chest as if she's cold. And she's shivering.

"I'm sorry girly. But I have to change you if you need it." I bring her tiny little foot up to my mouth and kiss it. She lies there, as if she has no other choice.

"Is she what you thought she'd look like?" Joe hands me an extra diaper and some wipes.

"…Not really. I didn't really think that she'd be this little…" I unstrap her diaper and look inside it.

She looks different down there.

By different, I mean different than me. I used to change Madison's diapers all the time, so I know what a baby girl's private parts look like. But I didn't ever think that I'd be looking at my own baby girl's parts. Her butt is tiny and pale white with a pinkish tint to it and her privates just look so small and fragile and delicate and I'm just really careful whenever I wipe her.

She kicks her legs a little bit but she calms down long enough for me to get a diaper on her. Joe takes the soiled diaper and throws it away for me.

"How are your arms today, babe?" Joe asks. He sits down next to me again and strokes my right shoulder.

"I feel better today." I tell him. I'm still not mad at Joe or anything. I know he didn't mean to do what he did and I guess I'm not angry with him. I still think I deserved that.

"…I'm still really sorry, babe." He kisses my cheek.

Some older nurse walks in the room with us. "Hello!" She greets us all casually like she's known us all her life. I want her to get out. I don't know her.

"…Hi?" I say back to her. I clutch Joella closer to my body. I don't know why I feel so protective, but I do.

"I'm Nancy Beck. Call me Nancy. I'm the doctor that's been taking care of little Joella while she's been in the NICU." Her voice is so cute and sweet that it's hard to be mad at her. She's short, chubby and has a grey-haired bob cut.

"Oh. Of course… hello." I smile and greet her warmly. If she's going to be taking care of my baby, I ought to know her well.

"So I'm here to do a couple things with you. First, I want to discuss Miss Joella's health." She sits down in a chair next to me and Joe.

"Of course…" I say again.

"Well first off… Joella is eight weeks early on her birth. Which means she'll be staying here for eight weeks, maybe a little later than that. The entire eight weeks, she will be taken care of by me. From what I observed last night, Joella needs breathing assistance and feeding assistance. She can't really keep herself warm, either. Which is why she'll be under the heat lamps if her temperature drops too low. She is well enough to be allowed out for visits, but she will need strong moderation."

"Okay… is that it?"

"Eventually, she will be just fine. We will release her from the hospital if she learns to feed properly, maintain her temperature and breathe without assistance. Before we send her home, we will remove her extra thumb. Unless you wish otherwise."

"Is it better for her if we take it off?" Joe asks a question.

"In the long run, it will be. Here's the deal with her extra. It's a condition known as polydactyly. It's made up of extra nerve tissue and in her case, there's a joint in there. It's fairly easy to remove it. What we do is we'll take the crease of where the two thumbs conjoin and we'll cut right there… see?" She grabs Joella's hand and shows us what she's talking about.

Joella starts to cry and whine and she really tries to pull away from Nancy's grip.

"Now, is that hurting her? She cries every time someone touches it." I ask.

"No. It's not hurting her. Most babies are usually really sensitive when it comes to their extras. They don't like for it to be touched, because it's uncomfortable. It's not painful for them, just uncomfortable." She stops touching Joella.

"Oh. Okay." Joe nods.

"So that's what's up with her health. Now the other reason I'm here is to teach you how to feed her from your breast today. You do want to learn, correct?"

"…I… I don't… know…" I've honestly never thought about actually breastfeeding her. That's just strange to me. She'll be okay if we just give her formula, right?

"Well I can tell you certainly that breastfeeding is very good for your baby. Especially if she's a preemie. Premature babies need the nutrients from breastmilk. It's really good for her if you do it."

"….I'll try…" If it's better for Joella, I guess I'll do it. It's just weird to have your baby sucking on your boob, you know?

"Alrighty then. Your modesty has to go right out the window right about now, hon." She chuckles and opens up a small jar. She unties the ties in the back of my hospital gown. "Are you right handed or left handed, dear?"

"I'm right handed."

"Okay, so let me get out your right breast." She pulls my gown down a little.

This is degrading. To have my bare BOOB just hanging out in front of a lady I just met.

Nancy grabs Joella from Joe's arms and puts her in my arms.

"There are many positions you can nurse your baby in. There's a special position for premature babies, because they can't hold their heads up by themselves. So you have to support her head as well as your breast. This hold is called the football hold. You hold her like she's a football. Place her on your right forearm and brace her against your side. Make sure her head is resting in your hand. Now, bring your arm back just enough to let her face to nestle in your breast." She instructs me.

I do as she says with Joella fussing the entire time. She's really fussy because she wants cocaine. Just like me.

"Lead her to your nipple. Make sure she knows that's where she's supposed to put her mouth."

"Okay…" I won't lie. I'm a little bit scared. I'm scared that I'll drop her. I'm scared that she won't like to be breastfed. I'm just nervous and scared.

Joella squirms irritably in my arms and she's crying really loud.

"Shhh… it's okay. Here… here's food. Here's food, honey." I put my boob in my left hand and hold it next to her mouth.

Joella opens her mouth up and struggles to find me. I lead her to my boob and she latches on to me. She's not crying anymore, but she's still whining and moaning sweetly.

"Okay, now that's latched on. I need you to squeeze the top of your breast. Even though she's not sucking too much she'll still be able to taste the milk if you squeeze. She probably won't take in too much of your milk today, but the point is to get her familiar with you, your breast, the taste of your milk and the action of sucking. Can you feel the sucking?"

"A little bit, yeah. But not a lot." It feels like she's gnawing on my boob all soft. It feels like a puppy-bite.

Joe's watching in pure awe of the situation.

Joella's such a cute little baby. Even when she's sucking on my boob, she's adorable.

I don't mind much anymore about breastfeeding her. It's not weird to me anymore. It used to be really weird to me. Now all I care about is being good to her. If my breastmilk is good for her, then I guess I'm okay. I'm just glad that I actually can. I didn't think I'd be able to with that cocaine in my system. I think It's out now.

I think I'm starting to forgive myself. And I don't think I'll ever be able to actually do cocaine again. I think this has scared me out of it. I just think it's sad how my baby is fussy all the time because she wants a drug, and she's not even a full day old yet. I feel bad that she has to know what it's like to go through withdrawal from a drug. She's so little and innocent.

I stare down at her. She's staring at my bare breast with her pretty little eyes. Her eyes are growing heavy and they're about to close. Her hand with her two thumbs is resting on the top of my breast and her little head is resting in my hand. I can still feel her tiny little sucking on my nipple and it's not bothersome at all.

I stroke her fluffy little hair and lean down and kiss her two thumbs.

Not surprisingly, she pulls her hand away from me.

I don't understand how I can love someone so much that I just met.


	31. I'm Not Ashamed

**Joe's Point of View.**

This afternoon, I actually have to leave the hospital for a little while. I just have to go home, take a shower, change my clothes, all that stuff.

Before I leave the hospital, I stay with Joella and Demi. I'm just waiting for my mom to come pick me up.

"Demi, do you want anything from home?" I ask her just to be nice.

If I'm being honest, I still don't forgive Demi. I understand that she was addicted to cocaine and stuff, but did she really have to keep doing it while she was pregnant? She couldn't have just stopped? Just for nine months?

Would you ever be able to forgive your partner if he or she did something to damage your newborn baby? I don't understand how all the doctors and stuff are downplaying what Demi did. It's like they don't realize the severity of the matter. Joella can't eat, breathe or get out of the hospital on her own. She'll be here for two months, because of what DEMI did. Am I the only one that understands that?

"No… my mom is bringing me some stuff." She says. She's struggling real bad to pull herself out of the hospital bed.

I am furious with Demi, still. And if I think about what she did too much, I will still feel the need to physically hurt her. But I still love her with every inch of my being. I'd still jump in front of a bullet for her. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her.

So I walk over to the bed to her and grab her hand. "What are you trying to do, babe?"

"I have to pee…" She doesn't talk to me. She talks at me, while she's staring at the ground.

I'm not exactly sorry for hurting Demi. I mean, I'm sorry that I hurt her. I really am. But I'm not sorry for the way I did it. Under the circumstances, I was completely justified. But I really wish I hadn't done it. Since I did that, Demi's afraid of me and that hurts. I don't want her to be afraid.

"Let me help you…" I hold her around her waist and walk her to the corner of the room where the door leads to our own private bathroom. She leans on me and puts all her weight on me. I support her and walk with her to the bathroom. She can't carry her own weight too well.

I open the door to the bathroom and walk her inside. I unlace the strings in the back of her gown and help her sit on the toilet. "Easy, babe. Easy…" I whisper to her.

She sits on the toilet softly. I think she's crying.

"What's the matter?" I ask. If she wasn't so fucking beautiful, it'd be a lot easier for me to be mad at her.

"…Nothing…." She says to the ground.

"Are you done?" I lean down and kiss her on the top of her head. Her hair sticks to my lips.

"…Yes." She slowly puts her hand between her legs and wipes herself.

I lean down and put my hands under her armpits. I slowly lift her from the toilet. I lace her gown back up. I walk her to the sink and let her wash her hands.

"Demi, are you crying?"

"…Yes. I'm sorry…" She wipes her cheeks.

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't know… I'm sorry." She keeps her head down.

I hold her around her waist again and help her back to her bed. I check my phone. My mom texted me and told me that she's outside.

"Alright. I'm leaving now, baby. You okay by yourself?" I hold her hand.

She keeps her head down and nods. "You're coming back, right?"

"Of course I'm coming back. You okay without me for a little bit?"

"Mhm."

"Okay. When I get back, I'll help you take a shower and I'll get you something to eat. That sound good?"

"Mhm."

"Okay. I love you babe." I lean down and kiss her forehead. I can't bring myself to kiss her on her lips.

"Love you too…" Her voice is hoarse.

I give her another kiss on her forehead and leave out the room to go home.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I know I should probably stop being so sad and depressed, but I really can't. I don't really have anything to smile about anymore. Except Joella. I smile about her. She makes me smile. It's almost impossible to not smile in her presence. She's just that much of a little blessing.

When Joe leaves, I turn on the TV I have in the hospital. I've been really detached from reality while I've been in this hospital. I know I've only been here for a day, but it feels so much longer. I'll be leaving tomorrow. I try not to think about leaving Joella behind when I leave this hospital.

I turn on the local news, just because it seems fitting. There's a hurricane developing in the Pacific. It'll hit Laguna Beach really hard. Whatever. Something about a man wrecking his car. I'm not really interested in the news.

I reach over on the side of my bed and grab my cell phone. I haven't checked it since I got here. It just never seemed like a priority anymore. I have 6 new text messages. Only 6. I check them anyway.

Selena: Congratulations! I can't wait to meet her :) text me later.

My aunt Kathy: Congratulations Demi! Send me some pictures!

Madison: When r u coming home?

Dallas: Send me a pic of Jojo so I can put it as my screensaver.

Kevin: Congrats. Can't wait to see my lil niece.

Danielle: Congrats!

Well, it's nice to know who really gives a damn about me. I can't wait to see all the hate I'm probably getting on twitter.

I close out of my texts and check out my twitter. I go straight to my mentions. I scroll. There's really not that much hate in my mentions. I see a couple "Smh" tweets but for the most part, all I'm getting is congratulations and tweets from my fans that are freaking out. I go through my timeline because I need to catch up.

Miley tweeted me. That makes me smile. I'm glad we're still friends even though her brother isn't exactly my favorite person in the world.

Her tweet says: ddlovato: Congrats girl! I bet she's gorgeous just like her mama. Send me pics soon :*

I guess I understand what Joe was saying earlier in my pregnancy. I can't be ashamed of Joella forever. And I can't hide her away like I am ashamed. It was a mistake. I got pregnant at seventeen, I'm eighteen now, I have a baby, I'm a teenage mom, I have to suck it up and acknowledge the fact that I have a baby. Because even though people frown upon her, and call her "a baby born out of wedlock" or a "bastard", she is my baby girl, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that she's here.

I grab the remote attached to my bed and push the "call" button.

I keep scrolling through my twitter mentions. I find a couple more celebrity congratulations. Katy Perry said congrats, Kim and Kourtney tweeted me and said they sent Joella some gifts in the mail, Marissa told me she's on her way to my house and my mom's bringing her to the hospital a little later and even Perez Hilton sent "good wishes to the little beauty." He's a creepy little fucker. He'll never get close enough to Joella to know if she really even is a "little beauty."

Jade walks in the room. "You rang?"

"Yeah… can you bring me Joella? If she's well enough to be taken from the incubator?" I ask.

"Hold on, honey." She leaves the room for a little while.

When she comes back, she has my soft pink bundle of beauty.

"Mommy wanted to see you… yeah. We're gonna see mommy." Jade brings her over to me.

She lays Joella in my arms.

Joella is wide awake and looking around the room. "Ehhhhh….ehhhhhhh…."

"Hi my pretty girl. Hi…. Hi pretty lady." I kiss her on her cheek and she smiles. Her dimples are so deep they're adorable.

"Mommy wants to take a picture of you. She wants to take a picture…" I lay her down between my legs again.

"EHHHHH!" She kicks her feet.

"Awww…. No. Don't cry pretty girl." I lean forward and kiss her forehead.

She settles down a little bit closes her eyes. I position my cell phone in a position that captures her face. I take the picture. She is laying with her eyes closed and her thumb(s) in her mouth. Her unruly eyebrows are still sticking up and her fluffy brown hair is all over the place too. She is beautiful.

I put the picture on twitter and tweet about it. I tweet: So sleepy & so pretty. My beautiful little angel! :) She's so perfect!

I get 13,400 retweets within a minute. I'm happy about that. I like how some people are supportive of it.

I love my little Joella so much.


	32. Nobody

**Demi's Point of View.**

I don't have Joella with me for any longer than ten minutes before she gets fussy. When she gets fussy and really fidgety, Jade gives her a mouthful of the orange detox liquid and whisks her back to the NICU. I'll give her time to calm down before I request to see her again.

I've been through a lot in my life. I've been through some pretty hard things. I've watched my mom get beat up by my dad, I've witnessed my older sister being molested multiple times by my dad, I've been raped, almost raped and hit by almost every boyfriend I've ever had. But you know what's weird? The hardest thing I've ever been through is the time when my beautiful baby girl fusses and cries, and gets ripped out of my arms and taken to a place that I haven't even seen yet. That's the hardest thing.

In the meantime, I look through a booklet that Jade gave me on babies born addicted to drugs. I'm probably going to scare the shit out of myself by reading this, but what the hell. What's done is done, I might as well just educate myself about it.

I flip to the section about babies born addicted to cocaine. I read, "Babies born addicted to crack cocaine are often referred to as 'Crack Babies'" God, I hate that term. Joella's not a "Crack baby." I mean, she is…. But she has a name, you know? I don't want her ever referred to as a crack baby. That's annoying. I refuse to read that word.

"- - - - - babies are often treated similar to babies that are born addicted to methadone. Immediately after birth, a - - - - - baby will be assessed and given a proper dosage of detoxification. Soon after, a - - - - - baby can be taken off the detox and started on shots of phenorbarbital. Typically, - - - - - babies are born really irritable and very easily disturbed. Some cases are reported that an affected baby can experience hyperactivity and difficulty focusing. Phenorbarbital will help these symptoms. Eventually, when a - - - - - baby is feeling better, he or she can be taken off the phenorbarbital without tapering." I'm about to start reading the second page when the door to my room opens again. I pop my head up from the book immediately.

Joe comes back in the room with a big bookbag in his hand.

"Hey…" He shuts the door behind him.

I'm so happy that he's back. I was getting kind of lonely.

"Your mom told me to tell you that she'll be back around five. She's waiting for Marissa to get to the house and they're both gonna come see you and Joella." He puts the bag down and starts emptying it.

"Okay." I look at what he takes out of the bag.

He takes out two boxes of takeout and two bottles of Sprite. He also takes out a carton of Oreos and a DVD. I'm not sure what DVD it is.

"I thought I'd help you take a bath and stuff, then we could go see Joella, then we could have dinner and a movie." He says.

"…I can't leave this hospital yet." I say, specifically because I don't have anything else to say.

"That's why I brought dinner and the movie to you." He grabs my hand and helps me up out of the bed.

Joe is so sweet. I know he's still pissed at me. I can see that. But the fact that he's still willing to be so nice to me really means something to me. I don't deserve all the shit he does for me.

"Let's start with a bath… your doctor told me that it's okay if you get your stitches wet." He holds me around my waist and helps me to the bathroom. He shuts the door behind us.

I hold onto the door so that I don't have to put all my weight on my legs, because I'm still really sore between my legs.

Joe goes over to the large circular bathtub and runs some hot water into it. He grabs the bookbag and pulls out a towel, a washcloth, a bar of soap and some shampoo and conditioner.

"If the water's too hot, let me know." He unties my gown and helps me step in.

The water is hot, but it feels really good. "It's fine."

"Okay… easy, babe. Easy…." He helps me sit down in the bath.

I won't lie. It hurts really bad between my legs, but the warm water is relieving. It hurts, sure. But it's also calming. I needed to take a good bath.

The water comes up to my chest and it feels so good. My boobs feel like five pound bricks against my chest because they're so full.

Joe rubs the soap on my rag and starts washing me. I notice that he's real gentle when it comes to my arms. He leans down and kisses a bruise on my shoulder.

"You want to wash your hair?" He asks.

"…No. I'm fine… I don't like washing my hair in a bath. I'd rather do it in a shower. I'll do it tomorrow when I get home."

"You're coming to my house when you leave the hospital…"

"Why?"

"Don't worry about it, babe. Just know that you're coming to my house for a little while." He keeps washing my body, very gentle around all the parts of me that are sore, such as my breasts and my crotch.

"You feel better?" He helps me out the tub and wraps a towel around my body. He even dries me off and helps me put my clothes on.

"Yeah… I feel better." I'm in a baggy t-shirt and a pair of loose shorts. I'm not supposed to wear tight fitting clothes.

"You want to go see Joella?" He hands me slippers to slide on.

"…Yeah. But I don't know if we're allowed." I slide on the slippers.

"We're allowed. I already went to see her. Before I came here. Nancy was giving her some medicine because she was crying real bad. I told her I'd bring you down in a little while, she's expecting us."

"Oh… well in that case, yeah. Let's go…"

He leaves out the room. I follow him and shut the door behind me.

We walk down this real long hallway. Joe walks slow because he knows that I have to walk slowly. We get onto the elevator and we ride up to the seventh floor.

When we get off the elevator, the floor is a soft shade of green and the walls are pink. It looks really baby friendly.

Joe leads me through a set of double doors and we're in a small room that's filled with sinks. I'm confused.

"Wash your hands real good, babe." He puts his hand underneath a motion activated soap dispenser.

"I just got out the bath…" I say.

"Still wash em." He puts his hands under the faucet of a sink and the water pours out of it fast and automatically.

I get some soap in my hands and scrub my hands. I don't get why everything is automatic in here. Why won't they let us touch anything?

Even the paper towel dispenser is automatic and motion activated. I wave my hand in front of the little black box and three sheets of paper towels are dispensed to me. I dry my hands off and put the paper towel into an already opened up garbage can.

"….Why is everything automatic?" I ask Joe. He seems to know more about this place than I do.

"Because everything has germs on it. They don't want you to touch anything." He leads me to another set of double doors.

Guess what? The double doors open automatically too.

We're in another small room. This room is white and there's an opening with a red light flashing in it.

Joe puts his arm with his hospital bracelet into the opening and the opening makes a "beep" sound.

I scan my hospital bracelet too.

Another set of double doors open and now we're in a really big room. This room has a wooden floor and tons of little half-walls are scattered about. The half-walls are all pastel green and there are lots of little teddy bears hanging from the ceiling and butterfly cutouts too. On the yellow walls, there are pictures of butterflies, caterpillars and Winnie the Pooh decorated about. The half-walls make little rooms, where there are incubators. Some mommies are sitting in rocking chairs holding their babies. Some daddies are putting their hands through pot-holes and touching the baby that lies in the incubator. Other babies are being fed and handled by nurses. I guess this is the NICU.

"She's over here." Joe says to me. He motions for me to follow him.

I follow him over to a small corner, where the half wall makes a decent sized room. In the makeshift room, the walls are purple and pink and there is a mural of clouds and grass by the incubator. Nancy is sitting in a chair reading a book.

"We're here!" Joe exclaims happily.

"Oh, goody. I just got her to stop fussing." Nancy closes her book and puts it on a small counter next to a bunch of bottles of liquid. "Is this mommy's first time in the NICU?"

"Yeah…" I nod. I don't like the fact that there's a fluffy pink blanket draped over her incubator.

"Okay. So we'll just get you situated and familiar with our facility. This is the NICU. This is where Joella will be living while you're at home. She is going to be round-the-clock cared for by me and another nurse that is my colleague, Dr. Grace. You'll meet her soon. The NICU is open for visitors 24-hours out of the day and we encourage parents to visit their baby as much as possible." She takes the blanket off Joella's incubator.

I don't know who did it, but someone decorated her incubator. It has her name on it in cutout letters and some butterflies on it too. It's cute. I read the sheet of paper that's attached to it.

Name: Joella Sophia Jonas

Birth Date: September 3rd, 2010

Birth Weight: 5lbs 6oz

Mommy: Demetria D. Lovato

Daddy: Joseph A. Jonas.

Reason for stay: Low birth weight, drug mommy, premature birth

"How's she been?" I sigh and ask. I feel so guilty for her being in here in this condition.

"You want good news or bad news first?" Nancy asks. She pushes these things down on the incubator and the front opens so that she can take Joella out.

"….The bad." I wince a little. Joe holds my hand.

"Well the bad news is that little Miss Joella developed a little bit of an eye infection in both her eyes. We've been giving her rounds of antibiotic drops for that. Typically, a premature baby's immune system is really immature, which makes it easy for her to develop infections. The infection most likely occurred from her having her eyes open and being pushed out of the birth canal. Germs from the birth canal got into her eyes and caused a little infection."

"Aww…" I feel like I'm about to cry. I feel horrible. I'm her mommy. I'm supposed to help her. Not hurt her…

Joe rubs my back, though I can tell that he's pissed off at me, still. He blames me, and I kinda blame myself too. "What's the good news?" Joe asks.

"The good news is that the infection isn't too bad and the eyedrops are really helping it. And with the drops and some breastmilk, the infection should be gone in 2-4 days." She's still taking the incubator apart so that she can get Joella out of it. She's detaching Joella's wires now.

"So I have to breastfeed her again?" I hope she says yes. I liked feeding Joella. It felt… good. Like… I felt so close to her when she was eating from me. It made me feel like I did something good for her.

"Yes, I'd like to see how she reacts on the breast for today. If she's not feeding properly, I'd like to hook you up to a pump for a little while." She finally takes my baby out of the incubator.

Joella flails her arms and starts kicking. Her little cries are angry cries. She really is irritable. She's not mean or anything, just very temperamental.

"Yeah, I know. You're tired of me bugging you for one day, huh? But we're gonna see mommy and daddy, so that'll make you happy." She keeps Joella wrapped in a blanket. Joella is screaming really loud. She seems really upset.

I sit down in a chair near her incubator and prep my arms for her. Joe watches me like a hawk.

Really carefully, Nancy puts Joella in my arms.

I don't know how, but every time I hold her it gets more and more precious. She is such an amazing little baby. It makes me feel special how she stops crying when she hits my arms.

"I missed you, girly. Long time no see, huh? It seems like a long time to me…. are you hungry?" I like talking to her. I pinch some of her fluffy hair and kiss her cheeks. Her eyes have red patches on them. She doesn't have them open, so I can't really tell for sure, but they don't look too bad.

"I'd like you to feed her in the football position again. So that her head doesn't fall too low." Nancy says. She hands me a blanket to drape over myself.

I take my shirt off completely and hand it to Joe. I put the blanket over my chest and leave one of my boobs out for her. I remember how to feed her and I'm glad that I do.

I lead her mouth to me and she latches on right away. Her sucking still doesn't bother me.

I stare down at her as she sucks. Her sucking is really inconsistent, but I know that's because she's still not that strong yet. She'll suck on me once or twice before she gets tired and takes a break, but she'll get right back at it. I remember to squeeze the top of my boob so that she can get more.

"Joella… Joella… you're so pretty." Joe whispers to her and rubs her ear. Her ears are tiny.

She opens her eyes and stares at my chest. Her eyes are really red. "Aw…" I stroke my fingers over her eyebrows. She wrinkles them and closes her eyes again.

She's so pretty. I swear, she gets more gorgeous every time I see her.

She changes each time I see her too. Today, her eyes are a little less brown and a little more grey. They're still predominantly brown, but the grey in them is more noticeable. Her hair has gotten three shades darker too. Her chubby cheeks have filled in a bit and her two thumbs aren't even that noticeable anymore.

I know that I'm biased, but I really do think that she's the most beautiful baby in the world. I'd probably think that she was this perfect even if she wasn't my baby.

"Joe?" I talk softly.

"What, babe?"

Joella takes a small break from sucking.

"…Why do I have to go to your house?"

"Don't worry about it, Demi." He rubs my back and stares down at Joella too.

"…I'm worried about it." I stroke Joella's two thumbs and she actually lets me for a little while. A lot of people would probably think that their baby's two thumbs is a flaw, but I still think Joella is flawless.

"Please don't worry about it, Demi. I don't need you stressing right now…"

"Joe… please just tell me why I can't go home."

"I'll tell you in a little while. You're holding Joella. Plus, your mom and Marissa will be here in a little while."

"…Joe."

"Demi."

Joella starts sucking again. I squeeze my boob for her. She spits some milk back out onto the blanket and whines.

"Burp her." Joe says.

I lift Joella up and pat her back. "Tell me why I can't go home."

"Because, Demi. It's not really that important."

"Then just tell me." Joella spits up on the blanket. I wipe her spit up with my finger, because it's a real little bit.

"Your dad doesn't want you in the house anymore, Demi. Your mom went home from the hospital yesterday and he had your stuff packed. That's all."

Of course. Every time I start to feel like things will actually be okay, something has to knock me back down again. Of course, of course, of course.

I don't say anything. I don't have anything to say. I'm hurt. I'm crushed. I think I'm going to start crying, but I don't want to. My dad kicked me out.

Wow, Trace was right.

Nobody does want me.

* * *

**A/N: **Hey guys, it's me flawlesspeasant.

After much debate about whether to let you guys keep imagining what Joella looks like or not, i decided that you guys deserve a picture of her. because you know what Demi and Joe already look like, but it might be hard to envision their baby. Plus, a lot of you guys said that you'd like a picture of her. So i posted one in my profile. I'm sorry that the link won't work. No matter WHAT i do, i can't get the link to show up so that you can just click on it, so you have to copy the link and paste it in your browser bar to take you to the picture. i'm sorry it has to be that way, but i CANT get the link to be clickable.

in the future, i'll keep updating you on what Joella looks like if i can find a suitable baby that i think looks like how I envision her to look like. I'll keep posting the links in my profile on here, and in the future i'll try to get the link to be clickable.

**but for now, if you want to know what baby Joella looks like, copy and paste the link into your browser bar and you'll see. let me know what you think of her. she's adorable, i think. haha.**


	33. I Know

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm set to leave the hospital today. Shouldn't this be a happy time for me? So why am I so sad?

Only I'm getting discharged today. Joella is not.

The fact that I have to leave the hospital and leave my baby behind is really enough to make me feel shitty. But add that to the fact that I don't even really get to go home and I feel like absolute crap. I'm not even sure if I want to go home. I think I just want to stay in the hospital. It seems like people care about me more here. They don't judge me just because I'm a little addicted to cocaine. I didn't really expect my family to be the ones to do that.

Joe helps me pack up everything that I'm taking home from the hospital. Joella's footprints, her birth certificate, a breast pump, a pump manual, all the things like that.

"Do you want this blanket?" Joe asks me. He's referring to the very first blanket they wrapped Joella in when she came out of me.

"Yeah… I'll take it home and wash it. Or… I'll just… I don't know." I keep forgetting that it's not my own house I'm going back to.

"My mom will wash it for you, babe…" I think he realizes how much this is affecting me.

"Are you ready to go?" I try not to think about it.

"Yeah. You want me to call my mom now?"

"…Yeah. Um… I want to go see Joella first."

"Okay, let's go."

Joe grabs my packed up bag for me and follows me all the way to the NICU.

I really don't like the fact that I'm leaving her here. I feel like I should be here with her. I'm her mommy. She still needs me… doesn't she?

I wash my hands real good and head into the room. I don't know if Joe is following behind me, but I don't really care right now.

Sometimes, when I think about Joella, I get tunnel vision. It's like all my focus is on her and ONLY her. Nobody else in the world matters when I'm thinking about her.

I go over to her incubator. Nancy is sitting beside her.

"Hey! I hear you guys are leaving today…" She puts down the book she was reading and stands up to greet us.

"Unfortunately, yes. But we'll be back AS SOON AS we get situated at home." Joe answers.

I'm still hardly listening. I'm trying to undo the clasps on the incubator to take Joella out of it.

"How's she been?" I call over my shoulder.

"She's been well. We're still monitoring her eye infection. It's getting a lot better. She ate a half ounce of breastmilk today, but she really only kept a few milliliters down. She has been having some trouble going to the bathroom, though. I need your consent to check her urinary tract for an infection." Nancy helps me take her out of her incubator. She still has wires attached to her.

Today, Joella looks really… frail. I almost don't want to touch her. Her eyes are really red around the rims and she has a new red rash on her chubby right cheek. It's right now that it occurs to me that my baby is fighting for her life.

"What's this rash on her cheek?" I take her in my arms and hold her really close to my body. She has a wire in her nose and some round, white devices in her ears.

"That's just a heat rash. She's learning to maintain her temperature, so she gets really hot sometimes when she's trying to regulate. That's all."

"And these things in her ears?"

"They help drain fluid in them."

I turn all my attention to Joella. "Hi pretty girl… I missed you. You look so pretty today." I kiss her on the rash on her cheek.

She swats at me with her double thumbed hand. "nyehhhhh…" She whimpers.

"I'm sorry beautiful." I sit down in the chair with her and stare.

Her hair has gotten three shades darker. It's almost black by now. Her skin color is becoming paler white and her eyebrows keep on growing in. She's STILL the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on.

"Daddy missed you too…" Joe kneels down beside me and plays with Joella's hair.

"Why do you think she has a urinary tract infection?" I ask, still staring at Joella.

"She cries a lot whenever she has to use the bathroom, so that usually means that urinating is painful." Nancy is busy doing something in Joella's incubator.

"…What do you have to do to check if she has one?" Joe asks. He seems dead set on knowing this.

"In her case, since she's a preemie, I'd have to insert a little catheter into her and get a urine sample with that. It's a really easy procedure, but it's a little painful for her."

"…Is there anything else that you can do? That doesn't hurt her?"

"Not particularly. Because she is such a premature baby."

I sigh. I don't really want to inflict pain on her. But I guess if it's necessary, I don't mind.

"Can I be with her while you do it?" I ask. I stroke Joella's hair with my fingers.

"If I have your consent, I'll do it right now."

"We don't mind…" Joe says. He holds Joella's normal hand.

I want so badly to refuse her, but I let Nancy take Joella from my arms. She lays her on a small table and takes off her little diaper. I watch intently.

Joella's butt is whiter than the last time I saw it. Her private parts still look the same.

Nancy wipes clear liquid across Joella's privates and Joella kicks her feet at her.

I don't think my baby likes to be messed with, because immediately she starts wailing. She cries loud and really hard, too.

Almost as if it's second nature to her, Nancy threads something into my baby's private parts and it looks painful to me. I do my best to comfort her by kissing her hands and rubbing her hair.

"Would you like to put her asleep before you leave? She's due for her nap, and she seems to fall asleep really well while she's on the breast."

"You want me to breastfeed her?" I'm all for it. I really want to bond with her before I leave her.

"No. She just recently ate, we don't want to overfeed her. I would like you to hold her skin to skin, so she feels that closeness. And while you're holding her, I'd like for daddy to love on her and comfort her too. She needs to rest, so that she can urinate and I can get results from the catheter."

"Okay…" I take off my t-shirt and leave my bra on. I hold Joella against my chest and she seems to love it. I drape a blanket across her. Joe strokes her hair.

Joella opens up her eyes. She glares up at me like she's irritated or something. "What, pumpkin? You see mommy? I see you. I see you pumpkin." I stare into her eyes. She kind of looks like Joe.

Joe leans down and kisses her on her head, which makes her shut her eyes.

She falls asleep peacefully with the two of us. And it sucks… REALLY bad to leave her.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

It feels good to finally be home. But I know that Demi isn't exactly happy about it.

I guess I don't blame her.

I understand that what Demi did was horrible. And believe me, I'm still pissed off with her. But I don't think that Demi should have been kicked out of her house.

When I found out that she got kicked out, I had to beg my parents to let her stay here. My dad really wasn't having it, and for the longest time, my mom said no too. They eventually gave in, but my point is that what if they hadn't said yes? Then where would she be? On the street?

I don't agree with her dad at all.

"Babe, I know you're tired." I say to her. We walk into my house.

The agreement I had with my parents was that Demi could stay here at our house as long as she wasn't a real hassle. My parents agreed that they wouldn't really associate with her. This is strictly a place to stay. I'm not sure how long my mom could keep this up, though. I know she loves Demi.

"I really am…" Demi's talking so low. She told me in the car that she didn't want to be a freeloader and that she'll stay out of everybody's way.

"You wanna eat… take a shower… head to bed for the night? Me and you? We're gonna go see Joella early tomorrow, huh?"

She nods at me and follows me upstairs to my room.

"I'm not hungry… are you?" I ask her. She shakes her head.

"I just want to go to sleep." She whispers.

"Okay…" I want to make Demi happy. Of course, I'm still pissed off at her, but I know Demi. And I know that she's in a funk right now. And I know that if she doesn't get out of the funk she's currently in, it could be bad. And if I ever lost Demi… I don't know what I'd do.

She takes off her shorts and crawls into my bed. I'll lay with her.

I take off my shirt too and get in bed with her. I hold her close to me. I can't stress how angry I still am with Demi, but she deserves to feel loved.

"….You okay?" I ask her.

She doesn't say anything to me. She just shakes her head. I know that she's not okay.

"Talk to me, babe." I realize that me and Demi haven't really been talking lately. It's been a while since I've held a meaningful conversation with her.

"…And say what?" She whines.

"Tell me what's up, babe…. This isn't you, Demi. What went wrong?"

"With what?"

"You know…"

"…I don't know, Joe. I didn't mean to cause any harm. I just… I thought it was… I don't know. I'm just sorry…"

"I know you're sorry. You don't have to tell me you're sorry. I just wanna know why you did it…"

"I'm…. addicted, Joe. I can't help it."

"…I know." I lean up and kiss her cheek. "Just… rest. We'll talk more tomorrow."

She turns her body and lays against my chest. I rub her back.

I don't think she needs to constantly be reminded about what she did. I think she understands that what she did was wrong.

And maybe her living with me is a good thing. Because as long as she's staying here, I know that she isn't using cocaine. And if she stays here long enough without the cocaine, she'll be okay. She'll eventually stop being addicted, right?

I just think it's sad how everyone's given up on her. Even her family has. And though if I had to choose between Demi and Joella, I'd DEFINITELY choose Joella, I forgive her for what she did. I forgive her for hurting Joella. But I'll never forget. And I think it'll take me some time to fully get over it.

I know Demi didn't mean any harm. I know that if she knew that this would happen to Joella, she'd try harder to fight the addiction.

So for that reason, I'm not giving up on her.

Maybe she wouldn't be in this predicament if she just had someone that gave a damn about her from the get go. I really wish she never met Trace.

But regardless, I will never give up on Demi.

I'll help her.

Demi's asleep on my chest now and she's breathing soundly. She has tear-stains on her cheeks. I rub her back.

Slowly, I reach over on my dresser and grab the ring.

I slide it back on her finger softly and she doesn't budge.

I lean down and kiss her head again.

"Love you, Demi."


	34. Feel Better

**Demi's Point of View.**

I didn't sleep well last night. I think it's because I wasn't in my own bed. But I guess I have to get used to not being able to sleep in my own bed, because I don't know when my dad plans on letting me come back home.

I really wish he never kicked me out. Doesn't he realize how truly sorry I already am? I don't really need to add the stress of not being around my family too. I already feel like shit about myself.

Plus, I can't be in my own bed with the way I'm feeling. What I mean is that I feel like shit physically too. Between my legs is incredibly sore, my chest feels so heavy, my nipples are really sore, my stomach muscles are so tight and sore that it hurts to even sit up, my back feels like someone has kicked it repeatedly, and this spot in my arm is really sore too, because I've been poked with more needles than I can even remember. All I really want to do is get in my OWN shower, in my OWN house and sleep in my OWN bed. But I can't even do that.

I guess it's a good thing that I haven't really been craving the Thing much. Jade says I won't go through withdrawal for a while, because of the detox medicine she gave me at the hospital. It's supposed to last a couple weeks on it's own. It doesn't really matter if I crave it anyway, because I have no means of getting any. I don't have any left. The only little bit I had is at my house, and Dallas told me that dad doesn't even want me around. Something about how "I shouldn't be exerting that kind of influence on Madison."

I'm sorry. I sound really ungrateful, don't I?

I swear that I'm not. I'm extremely thankful that Joe's parents have given me a place to lay my head at night. It's just kind of tough, because they haven't really been talking to me either. Joe told me that they're still pretty judgmental towards me, but they should come around. I really hope he's right, because it's really awkward to be staying in someone's house when they don't even look at you.

Joe makes me stay in his room, for the most part. I think he does it because it's easier for him to deal with. I know that Joe doesn't particularly like defending me against his parents. It's also obvious that I'm not wanted here. So I guess if staying in Joe's room at least keeps me out of their sight, it's worth it.

"You want to go see Joella today, babe?" Joe asks. He just came back into his room.

I've been lying in his bed since 11:00 when I woke up. It's 12:30 now. I really have to pee, but getting up takes a lot out of me because of how badly my body feels. "Yeah…I want to go."

"Okay… well get up, take a shower, put some clothes on and we'll go. Are you hungry?"

"…No." I haven't been hungry for a few days. I think I lost my appetite.

"Alright. I'll be back in a little while; I'm going to go see what my mom's doing downstairs. Get dressed and stuff." He leaves his room and locks the door behind him.

I hold onto the side of the bed and crawl out of it. It's really hard for me to get up. Everything hurts on my body, literally. I'm slow, but I walk to Joe's bathroom. I shut and lock the door behind me too.

I sit down on the edge of his shower and run my water. I make the water hotter than it is cold and turn the shower head on to my favorite setting. I shut the sliding glass door and I stand up.

I peel off my underwear. They're a little bit bloody from the stitches that are between my legs. I take off my shirt too. I look at myself in the body mirror to see if I look any different.

My stomach is flat now, with a little pouch where my baby-belly used to be. My stomach has bruises going across it and red brush burns. My boobs are gigantic now, but my nipples are so red and discolored that it's hard to enjoy the fact that I have bigger boobs. I really don't feel good.

I rub my hands over my face as I look in the mirror.

HEY!

Joe gave me my ring back!

My hand looks complete again! That's enough to make me smile a little bit.

I grab my washrag and step into the shower. The water is like instant relief to my aching body. I just stand there, letting the water batter my body. It feels so good.

I turn and let the water hit my back. I close my eyes and take in how good it feels. The only time my body isn't killing me is when I'm in warm or hot water.

I start with washing my hair. I noticed that Joe put my shampoo and conditioner in his shower for me. My hair touches the small of my back. I need to get it cut soon.

After my hair is clean, I wash my body gingerly. If I move the wrong way, my stitches will split. Between my legs is the hardest place to wash.

I guess I'd better get out now. I don't want to run the water bill up. It's not my house. It's not my water bill to run up, otherwise I wouldn't get out until my body was completely relieved.

I wrap a towel around myself and walk to Joe's room again. All my stuff is in a garbage bag.

You know how dehumanizing that is? To have all my belongings thrown into trash bags, like they're garbage? Joe said that my dad had my things packed in these bags whenever he went over my house to grab my things. It's almost like I'm not his daughter anymore. I don't know why my dad is treating me this way. My things are not trash. I am a person. Why isn't he treating me like one?

I rummage through one of the trash bags to find clothes.

The door opens and Joe walks into his room with me. He's already dressed and ready to go.

I use the back of my hand and wipe away a couple tears that fell. I'm not quick enough for Joe, though. He noticed.

"Why are you crying, babe?" He sounds concerned. He walks over to me and puts his hand on my dripping wet hair.

"…He really put my things in garbage bags?" I sniff and wipe my face again.

"Don't worry about that. I'll put your things in drawers when we get home. It's okay." He kneels down and hugs me tightly. "I love you… okay?"

I shrug.

"Just put some clothes on. Just think… we're going to go see Joella." He lets me go and stands up.

I grab a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt to put on.

I put deodorant on and slip on my shirt. My boobs hurt too bad to put a bra on. I dry my legs off and put on the sweatpants. I'm not feeling good enough below to put on underwear. I comb my hair up into a wet bun and slide on my flip flops. I guess I'm ready to go.

"…What's the matter Demi?" Joe walks over to me again.

"Nothing?" Am I crying again? If I am, I didn't notice. I reach up and wipe my face. It's dry. I'm not crying.

"…You don't look… right. Are you okay?"

"I just don't feel good…"

"You want some Excedrin? Come on. I'll get you a muscle relaxer downstairs. My mom has a bottle of it in the kitchen." He takes my hand and nearly drags me out of his room. He locks his door behind us.

On our way downstairs, we pass Kevin. Normally, Kevin would greet me or something. But he doesn't. He doesn't even acknowledge me. It feels terrible.

I follow Joe downstairs and into the kitchen. I look around to make sure no more of his family members are around to give me the cold shoulder.

His mom is in the kitchen, so I stop walking abruptly.

"Demi, come on…" Joe sounds confused.

I shake my head. "I'll wait right here."

Joe turns around and gives me a really tight hug. "It's going to be okay babe. It's okay. My parents don't hate you. It's okay… come on. Come get the medicine and we can leave. I promise."

His hug feels really good, but it hurts at the same time because he is pressing so hard against my sore breasts. He lets me go and I reluctantly follow him into the kitchen. Denise is standing at the island flipping through a cookbook.

"Mom, where's that Excedrin at?"

"In the cupboard. Why? Are you not feeling good, Joe?" She doesn't look up from the cookbook.

"No. It's for Demi… she's not feeling too good." He goes in the cupboard.

I keep my head down to avoid eye contact. I close my eyes.

"Babe, what's on your shirt?" Joe asks.

I pick my head up. "What?" I notice that Denise looks at me too.

"Your shirt, babe. There's something red on it." Joe points.

I look down and on my clean white t-shirt, there are two little red dots on my breast area. "…I don't know…" I pull open my shirt and look down. My nipples are bleeding.

"Have you been breastfeeding?" Denise asks me. She doesn't look at me though.

"…Yes." I whisper.

"Go put band-aids over your nipples." She says.

I nod and turn around. Joe runs upstairs to grab me a new shirt. I go into the bathroom.

I look in the medicine cabinet for band-aids. I find two of those big ones and put them over my nipples. This really sucks. You don't understand how horrible this is.

Joe knocks on the bathroom door twice. I open the door. He hands me a black t-shirt and takes my bloody white one.

I slip on the black shirt and come out of the bathroom. I wipe my tears with the pads of my fingers. I wish I'd stop crying, but I honestly can't.

"You ready to go?" Joe asks me.

I nod.

We go get into the car and we're off to the hospital. I really hope Joella can make me feel better.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

It's a good thing that the hospital is only twenty minutes away from where we live. Otherwise, it'd probably be a real pain in the ass to run back and forth to see Joella.

Demi and I ignore the paparazzi as we walk into the big hospital. They snap pictures of us. There's only a couple of them today, so it's tolerable. They don't ask questions either. The most annoying ones are the ones that ask questions.

I follow Demi as we go into the lobby of the hospital. We walk to the elevator and go up to the seventh floor.

We walk over to the registration desk of the NICU.

"Who are you here to visit?" A secretary asks us.

"Joella Jonas, please." Demi says. Her voice is so raspy that she sounds like she's been swallowing sandpaper.

"Go on back." Secretary says.

I follow Demi through the doors and we're in the wash room now.

Another couple is in there. They're an older couple.

Me and Demi scrub our hands quietly and go through the other double doors. We scan our bracelets and go into the NICU.

We walk back to Joella's incubator. Nancy isn't sitting in the chair reading a book this time. This time, there is a younger black woman scrolling on an iPad. She looks up when we approach her.

"Are you Joella's mommy and daddy?" She asks us brightly.

"Yes ma'am." I say.

She stands up from the chair and I finally get a good look at her. She is very young with long black hair. She's not very dark-skinned, but I can tell that she's African. She is skinny and she is wearing bright green scrubs with little butterflies all over them.

"I'm Tanya Grace, Nancy's colleague. I've been taking care of Joella too. It's nice to finally meet you guys." She shakes both me and Demi's hands.

Demi's attention is focused on the incubator, which is covered with a purple sheet.

"I can see that mommy's a little eager to see her baby." She smiles and pulls the sheet off the incubator.

"How's she been?" Demi asks.

"She's been doing very well. She drank a full ounce of breastmilk earlier today. Her sucking reflex is getting a lot stronger. Nancy said that she did a urine test on her and we did find some bacteria in her urine which is being treated with a shot of antibiotics. She did very well during that. Her eyes are getting better, but she's still not quite there. She's a little trooper." She updates us as she pushes the clasps down on the incubator and detaches Joella from her wires.

Demi is already baby-hungry. I don't think I'll be getting much time to hold her today.

"Hello gorgeous. I missed you. Did you miss me?" Demi gets her in her arms and it's the first time I've seen Demi smile so sincerely all day.

Joella kicks her foot into Demi's upper stomach and whimpers.

Today, her hair isn't darker. It's just thicker. Her cheeks are chubbier than they were yesterday and her skin is still getting color to it. She's not as pale as she was yesterday either.

Demi and I did really good with her. She is such a pretty little baby. We make some pretty babies.

"She's a really sweet baby. She's been really smiley lately, too. She is really precious. She's one of the best babies I've ever looked after. She's usually really calm until we mess with her wires or something. Other than that, she's a really sweet little baby." Dr. Grace tells us.

Demi nods and says, "I know."

I watch Demi. She stares down at Joella and I can tell that she's SO in love. She looks really natural holding her. It's nice, because I've honestly never seen Demi react this way to something.

I whip out my phone. This is a twitter moment.

I position my phone on an angle that captures both Demi and Joella in their best light. I take the picture and look at it.

Demi is staring down at Joella with a smile on her face and Joella is laying there, mid-yawn. It's a cute picture.

I tweet it with the caption: "This is what my life is all about. The loves of my life. :)"

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I really can't get enough of Joella. My pretty baby in herself is my own drug. She's so precious. She always makes me feel better.

I brush my finger over her hair. Her hair is getting longer and I love it.

I hold her abnormal hand in my own hand and she bawls it up into a fist. I think it's adorable how her second thumb is left out of the fist, like it can't fit.

I lean down and kiss her extra thumb. I kind of don't want to cut it off because it makes her who she is. And I think it's super freaking adorable.

She pulls her hand away from my lips and brings it up to her mouth. She twists her fist in a weird way and puts her second thumb in her mouth. It's so cute how she sucks on it and her normal thumb is left out of her mouth.

"You're so cute, pumpkin." I shift her in my arms and hold her up softly. I kiss her lips, with her thumb in her mouth.

She opens up her eyes and looks at me. Her eyes are so pretty. They are the prettiest brown eyes I've ever seen.

"Joella…. Joellaaaaa…." I coo at her. She stares at me and cracks a crooked smile.

I don't know how much more I can fall in love with her. She already owns my heart.

"Isn't she what you always wanted?" Joe leans down and kisses her on her ear.

"What?" I don't know what he's talking about.

"Remember what you told me when we were in Pizza Hut that day? Right after we had sex?" He strokes Joella's hand.

"No. I don't remember." I say. I'm focusing so hard on Joella right now.

I lean down and kiss her again. She looks at Joe.

"Hi beautiful. What are you looking at? You looking at daddy?" Joe kisses her lips too and Joella looks away from him.

She really is a sweet baby. She's a lot better than what she was whenever I first had her. She used to be really irritable and cranky all the time. I think her real personality is coming out now.

"You're such a sweetheart." I whisper to her.

Joe lays his finger in her regular hand and she squeezes his finger. "Ehh… ehhh…" She moans.

Joe smiles wide and kisses her bawled up fingers. "I love you too."

It always sucks real bad to leave Joella.

Me and Joe spent a good two hours at that hospital with her, though.

I'm not too thrilled about going home, but Joella has made me feel a little bit better.

The ride home is quiet between me and Joe.

"…Joe?"

"What, babe?"

"I remember…"

"… I knew you would."

That's all we say the rest of the ride home.

I remember what I said to Joe that night in Pizza Hut, the night that we had sex. The night that I incidentally got pregnant.

Months ago, I was so strung out on cocaine that I didn't think I'd ever get what I really wanted in life. I remember wanting a family so badly. And I really did hear somewhere that being on drugs can make you infertile. So I remember thinking that I'd never get my perfect little family, complete with a husband that kissed me on the lips when he came home from work and little babies that made pitter-patter noises when they walked on the kitchen floor. I never thought that I'd get that, because that's what Trace took from me when he showed me the Thing.

And I remember telling Joe that I wanted to settle with him someday, but I didn't know if we'd ever have kids because I didn't think that I was fertile. And I remember him telling me that we'd find some other way to have a baby when the time was right.

Well, I don't think the time is right. And maybe I don't have a husband that kisses me when he gets home. And maybe my baby is too sickly right now to make pitter-patter noises when she walks on the kitchen floor. But it's possible now. It's possible. And that's more than what I could've hoped for back then. So yes, Joella is all I ever wanted.

Joe and I get out of the car and go inside the house. I really hope things start to get better around here. I really hope that I'll be able to go home soon. I haven't talked to my mom and dad and little sister in a really long time, it seems. I talk to Dallas daily, because she's the only one that cares enough to see how I'm doing.

Aside from Joella and her doctors, Joe is the only person I've had contact with outside of Dallas. He's the only one that still talks to me.

I follow Joe into his kitchen to get something to drink before we head upstairs.

On the island, I notice a wrapped gift with a paper on it that has "Demi" scribbled across it.

"…What'd you buy me, Joe?" I ask. It's nice that he bought me something, but I'm not really in the gifting mood. He already does so much for me.

"I didn't get you anything, babe." He grabs two cans of Pepsi from the fridge.

I pick up the paper and the gift. I unfold the paper and read the note that's written to me.

"Thought you might need this. Feel better and use it with caution."

-Denise.

Denise bought me something? Why? What have I done to deserve anything from her?

I open up the wrapped gift and look at it.

It's a purple box that's shaped like a toothpaste box. I read the box.

"Lansinoh Lanolin Cream. Nipple Cream for Breastfeeding Mothers. Treats dry, cracked, sore nipples. Completely pesticide free, 100% natural. Safest cream for newborn baby."

I crack a smile at this. It's seriously the best gift I've received in a while.

I think this might mean that maybe… just maybe Joe's mom is my ally again.

I remind myself to thank her whenever I get the chance.


	35. Oops

**Joe's Point of View.**

I really wish I could just quit my job. Ever since Demi had Joella, I've been so reluctant to work. Work just doesn't seem important to me anymore. All I really want to do is stay at home with Demi and focus on our baby. But my dad would NOT have any of it if I quit, so quitting is out of the question. It doesn't seem right if I'd just leave my brothers hanging like that. So I guess I can't quit.

I have to go to work today. My brothers and I are recording a couple new songs to put on our album. It's almost finished, but it's not exactly a happy time, because when it's finished is when we start preparations for the tour. I don't think Demi's allowed to come with me anymore.

So I wake up at 10:30 this morning. Demi's awake too, watching TV beside me.

"Good morning, babe." I smile when I wake up. I sit up and kiss her cheek.

"Morning." She says back.

I lean in a little further and kiss her lips. She kisses me back and I don't give up. I keep kissing her roughly.

She puts her hand on the back of my head and pulls me in to kiss her deeper. Her tongue is soft on mine and it's turning me on to kiss her like this.

I haven't had sex in months. I'm sure you realize that I'm a man and I have a LOT of needs. I haven't had those certain…needs fulfilled in a really long time. I need her so bad right now.

I take my lips off her mouth and kiss her on her neck. She closes her eyes and rubs my head. I'm getting so hard.

"Joe… Joe." She sounds like she's enjoying this too, but her voice is also serious.

"Hmm?" I slide my hands up her shirt and put them on each of her boobs. Her boobs are real nice now, because they're huge. I don't stop kissing her neck.

"Joe, stop. W…we can't." She whispers.

"Why can't we?" I keep kissing her neck. I'm sure I've already given her a hickey. I stroke her boobs and knead them. I really do love how big they've gotten.

"Because… because I… I can't have s..sex for six weeks… remember?" She's pulling her body away.

"I'll wear a condom. You won't get pregnant again. Who cares what doctors say." I start taking her shirt off.

"Seriously, Joe. I can't… I still have stitches down there…" She pushes my hands off her.

I sigh and stop. "Alright…"

I can tell that she feels really bad about turning me down. I'm a little disappointed too, because I REALLY need to have sex, but it's okay. It's not her fault that we couldn't.

"I'm sorry." She says to me. She kisses me on my cheek and rubs my chest.

"It's alright babe. I have to get going to work anyway. I'll see you later." I kiss her cheek too.

"…You're leaving? You're leaving me here? Joe, you can't." She starts to panic real bad.

"Demi, honey. Calm down. It'll be okay. Just don't leave my room. And if you do leave, just don't say anything to anyone. It's okay beautiful." I take off my shirt and put a new one on. I yank on a pair of jeans too.

She puts her head down and sighs. "Hurry back…"

"I will, babe. And when I get back, we can run up to the hospital and see Joella." I kiss her cheek again and head out the door.

I know I left kind of abruptly, but I had to get out of there. If I didn't, I'd REALLY need to fuck her. And I don't want to do anything rash, so I just had to leave.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

So it looks like I'm alone again. I guess it's okay, being that Joe had to work, but I really wish that I wasn't here in a house where nobody actually wants me. I don't have anything to do today until Joe gets back, so maybe I'll just sit in here and watch TV until he gets home.

I turn on one of the Bring It On movies on Joe's TV and grab my phone. I go to my twitter feed to see what's new. I haven't really been keeping up with anybody, because I haven't really felt like I needed to. I feel so out of touch with everything lately.

I go through my mentions. There's a couple hate mentions, but I don't really care. I see that a lot of people are calling Joella "adorable." She really is adorable.

I just sit here and watch TV. I kind of miss my family a whole lot. I wonder what everyone's doing. I wonder if anyone misses me.

I scroll through my contacts and call Dallas.

She answers on the second ring.

"Hey Dems." She sounds like she just woke up.

"…What's going on?"

"Oh, the usual. Eddie's being a dickhead. Mom's acting like she's clueless. Madison always asking where you are. The normal."

"…Do they miss me?"

"I don't think Eddie does, to be honest. But Mom cries about you every night."

"Then why hasn't she called?"

"Eddie doesn't really want any of us speaking to you. He says you need to learn your lesson. I think it's horse-shit, but you know…"

"Yeah…"

"So, how's Lala?"

"She's perfect. Getting better everyday. Me and Joe are going to go see her a little later."

"Call me when you have a free day. I want to go see her too."

"I will, Dal. Thanks for actually talking to me."

"No problem. I miss you a lot, Dems. And I still love you."

"Love you too, Dal."

"I'll call you later."

"Okay."

She hangs up on me and I sigh. It feels good to talk to my sister.

Me and Dallas have always had our differences. But she really has been the only person that has ever fully understood me. She's also the only person in my family that has a lick of sense.

There's a knock on Joe's door.

Should I get up and answer it? Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll be Joe. I doubt it though.

I get up out of his bed and walk over to the door. I open it up. It's Denise.

"Come downstairs and grab something to eat." She says.

"…Okay." I whisper.

I still feel really weird about everything, because I don't know exactly if she minds me being here or not. But I hope she doesn't. And I hope this means that I am a little bit welcomed here.

I follow her down the steps and into the kitchen. There are two plates set at the kitchen island. They both have an omelet, two slices of bacon, some toast, a sausage patty and a bowl of fruit next to them. She made me breakfast?

I sit down on one of the stools in front of a plate.

"Do you like orange juice, Demi?" She grabs two cups.

"Yes ma'am."

She pours two glasses of orange juice and sits across from me at the other plate.

"I hope you're hungry." She starts cutting her own omelet.

"…I'm starving." I admit. I chew a piece of bacon. I look around to see if anybody else is watching.

"Don't be so cautious. It's only us. The boys are all gone."

"…Oh. Well that's good…" I say.

"I'd like to talk to you a little bit. See what's going on inside your head." She bites her toast.

"Okay…" I take a bite of omelet.

"…So what happened? Why'd you… do what you did?"

"…I really don't know."

"How'd you get started on it?"

"…My ex boyfriend. He kind of made me do it… and I kind of got… addicted."

"Why didn't you stop whenever you found out you were pregnant?"

"I really did try to stop. But I would get really bad withdrawal symptoms and I was more worried that the withdrawal would hurt the baby more than the actual drugs. I was just stupid…"

"I know you're sorry. And I refuse to believe you did this out of spite."

"I really didn't, miss Denise. If I had known… what it was going to do to her… I would've tried so much harder to stop."

"I know you would've. I know what kind of person you are."

"I'm really sorry… and I'm really glad you're giving me a place to stay…"

"Don't mention it, hon."

I'm really glad that Denise and me seem like we're on good terms.

I just wish me and my own parents were too.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

After we recorded three songs, my dad and my brothers decided to take a lunch break. I'm not hungry, so I just stayed in the studio until they come back.

I like it better when we're the only ones that are in the studio. But it's just our luck that other people are in the studio today too.

What sucks even more than that is the fact that my ex is in Studio C today too. My ex, being Taylor.

I think she still likes me. I'm glad that I broke up with her though. I broke up with her because she was way too clingy. It's not that she's ugly or anything, because I don't think that she's ugly. She's just super annoying.

I hope that I don't run into her today.

I really have to pee, so I get up from the booth and go to the bathroom.

In Studio C, there's only one bathroom for both men and women. It's kind of weird how they don't have them separated, but if it works for them, it works for me.

The bathroom is occupied right now, so I have to wait.

When the bathroom door opens, a woman steps out of it.

It's not Taylor, like I hoped it wouldn't be, but it's another one of my exes. It's just my luck to run into her.

"Joe? Hey! Long time no see!" She smiles wide and hugs me.

I'm nice, so I hug her back. "Mandy… what are you here for?" I really mean that. She doesn't sing. Sure, I haven't spoken to her in like… three years, but seriously. She's not a singer. What is she here for?

"Just decided to get a career going, you know? Just to see if it's something I'd like to pursue… what are the odds of me running into you here? It's been so long."

"Yeah…. It has. I never knew you were into singing…" I let her go.

"Oh, it's just something new. Why don't you come back to my booth? So we can catch up?"

I shrug nonchalantly and follow her back to the booth she was in. It's empty too. This is around the time that we all take lunch breaks.

I sit down on a couch. She sits next to me.

"So what have you been up to? I see you're busy being a father these days… how is the baby?" She hands me a cup of water. I don't drink it.

"She's great. She's perfect. She's beautiful." I gush to her about Joella.

"Didn't you have her with that… Demi, chick?"

"Yes…"

Mandy sips her water. "Remember back in the day, when me and you were together, we used to pretend that Coco was our baby?" She laughs, but I don't find anything really funny.

"Yeah… I remember."

"What ever happened to us, Joe? You got all famous and left me in the dust. Don't you remember the times we had?"

"Yeah… but people grow up." I stir the water with my finger. I thought we were going to sit in here and catch up. Not talk about our past. If I'm being honest, the feelings I had for Mandy were NEVER that serious. I was a fifteen year old kid when we started dating, let's be serious.

"So you grew up? Well, that sucks. Because I still remember the times we had. And I still remember the person you are…"

"The person I WAS. I'm not fifteen anymore."

"Oh, how much could you have changed? Remember when I used to kiss you here…" She presses her lips to my neck. "And when I did, you'd touch my leg?"

I roll my eyes and slide away. I remember the reason I broke up with her now. I broke up with her because she's a whore. And she slept with two guys while we were dating. I mean, look how she's acting with me. This is the first time I've seen this girl in three years and she's already coming on to me?

"And when I'd kiss you here…" She presses her lips to a spot below my ear. "…You know what would get hard when I'd kiss you there?"

Fuck. I just did get hard. But it doesn't mean anything. I don't want to have sex with her or anything. It's just a reaction. I'm hard as a rock, but what guy wouldn't be if they had a woman kissing all over their turn-on spots?

"I'm gonna go ahead and go now, Mandy. It was… nice talking to you again." I ignore the boner I have and stand up. Today was a bad day to wear skinny jeans.

"Joe… stay for a little while. I know you want to…" Her eyes go straight to my junk. I know that my hard-on is noticeable. But I don't want her to take it the wrong way.

"No… I'm going to leave. I have someone." You know how hard it is to turn her down? I know that Demi can't have sex for another couple of weeks. Mandy's willing to have sex with me right now. But if I do have sex with her, I'd hurt Demi. I can't do that. So I have to leave.

Mandy gets up from the couch and walks over to me. "You can stay for another ten minutes. That's all I need." Her hands wonder down to my stuff. She strokes me through my jeans. God, this is so hard.

"I really have to go." I don't push her hand away.

"Don't you want to see how good I am with my mouth?" She keeps rubbing me.

Lord knows I want to say yes. But I can't. I really can't.

"No. I'm leaving. I have a girlfriend."

"Oral isn't cheating…" She whispers.

Why haven't I pushed her hands off me yet?

She unsnaps my jeans and I don't stop her. She slides both her hands down my pants and boxers and starts working my shaft.

This is cheating. This is cheating.

My mind's telling me to get out of here, because if Demi found out about this, I'd lose both her and Joella. But my body won't let me just leave. I'm getting harder by the minute and her hands feel so good.

"I knew you couldn't resist. I don't think Demi does this for you, does she?"

I've been thinking about Demi this whole time. But when she actually says her name out loud, that allows something inside of me to just… snap. I don't know why thinking about her wasn't enough. But I'm glad that Mandy actually said her name, because it's all in perspective for me now.

"Get off, Mandy." I grab her hands so tight that I should probably break her wrists. I remove her hands from my pants and push her away.

I still think I cheated on Demi, but I really didn't mean to. It was so hard to stop her. But I did. Doesn't that count for something?

I zip up my jeans and button them back. I still have a pretty bad boner, but I'm thinking about Demi.

I love her so much. I think I'm just going to tell her about this and apologize. I really hope she doesn't get mad at me.

I really love her. And I'm really sorry for cheating.

Maybe if I tell her, she won't be too mad. Maybe she'll respect me if I just tell the truth.

I don't want to lose her and my baby.


	36. Snap

**Demi's Point of View.**

"So have you been talking to doctors about when you're going to get to bring her home?" Denise asks me. I'm helping her put away some new baby clothes in the nursery that Joe pained and decorated for Joella.

"Um… not really. They said she needs to be in the hospital for at least eight weeks. The only thing that we've talked about is her current health. They say she needs to gain at least two pounds and learn how to properly suck a bottle before they release her. She can maintain her temperature now, which is really good. And they're gonna remove her thumb before she gets to come home. But I'll talk to them about it for sure when me and Joe go back today." I fold some little socks.

"Have you and Joe considered how you're going to reveal her yet?" She hangs up a frilly pink dress.

"Well we've already tweeted pictures of her and stuff…"

"Yes, but I guarantee you that the day you walk out of that hospital with her, magazines will be competing to get the first photoshoot of her. you and Joe are going to be getting offers out your ears."

"What makes you think that?"

"Haven't you picked up a copy of People lately? You and Joe have been all over the covers. Us Weekly… Star…TMZ…"

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I'll bet this house that you and Joe will get some pretty heavy offers."

"I didn't know they do that…"

"Oh yes they do. People offered Kevin and Danielle half a million just to get the first pictures of their wedding. Imagine what they'll do to get the first pictures of JoJo."

"I don't know if I'd want to sell my baby's pictures to a magazine…"

"You won't have to if you don't want to."

"I don't think I will. But I don't know yet."

Denise finishes hanging up her dresses. "Why don't you take some things to her? Like a blanket or a stuffed animal?"

"That's not a bad idea… do you mind if I take some things from in here? All the things that I bought her are in my house…"

"Of course I don't mind… have you talked to your parents lately?"

"No… Dallas told me they don't really want to talk to me. So I guess I can't…" I sigh.

"It'll be okay, Demi. They just need some time. Your mom and dad love you."

"I hope you're right." I clear my throat.

It's quiet now. It's not an awkward quiet, though. It's a nice quiet. A peaceful quiet.

"So… what do you want to take for her?" Denise breaks the silence and grabs a pink and purple diaper bag.

"Um… This blanket. And this stuffed monkey. And maybe this pacifier, just in case she's able to suck on it."

"What about some clothes? She should be big enough to wear some small onesies and booties."

"Good thinking." I grab three different onesies. A green one with a monkey and bananas all over it, a purple one with flowers all over it and a plain pink one. I grab matching booties for her to wear too. I even grab a bow, haha.

"Send me a couple pictures of her when you guys get there. I need some to show Paul."

"I will. Thanks for helping me pack for her, miss Denise."

"No problem."

I leave her nursery and go into Joe's room. I need to get dressed. He should be here shortly to pick me up.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I've been crying ever since I left the studio. I don't really care that I'm crying, I just am. I feel so bad for what I did.

I really do feel so bad. I never meant to hurt Demi, but I know I did. Why do I have to be so fucking stupid? I can't believe I let Mandy do that. I shouldn't have even been in the booth with her. I should've just said hi to her and left it at that. Now I cheated on her.

I pull into the driveway of my house and sit in my car for a little while longer. I left my brothers and my dad earlier than I was supposed to. I had to leave, because I didn't want to cry in front of them.

I sit in my car and cry myself out. I just feel horrible. I don't know how I'm going to tell Demi about this, but I know that I AM going to tell her.

I wipe my face and sniff hard. I just hope I don't ruin her day.

I go inside the house and go straight up to my room. Demi is busy getting dressed to go see our baby. She looks so beautiful. How did I cheat on that?

Her long brown and blonde hair is straight. I straightened it for her last night. Her face just lights up when she sees me, and it really shouldn't.

"Hi babe!" She exclaims. She runs to me and wraps her arms around my waist, excited that she can see me.

I can't help but smile. She's my everything. When she's in my arms, I feel…. Complete. I wrap my arms around her too and hold her really tight. "Hey gorgeous. I really missed you." I rub her back softly.

"How was work?" She leans back and looks in my eyes.

I lean down and give her a really meaningful kiss. "I have something I need to tell you."

She looks at me some more. "Why were you crying?" She wipes my eyes with her thumbs.

"…I did something, babe. And I'm really sorry. Please don't think I don't love you…"

"Just tell me, babe. How bad can it be?" She rubs my back.

I sniff and wipe my face. I hold her in my arms a little tighter.

"Just tell me…" She says softly.

I grab her from her lower back and pick her up. Naturally, she wraps her legs around my waist. I hold her. "Well… On my lunch break… I went to the bathroom in Studio C. And just as I got there, my ex girlfriend, Mandy came out. So we got to talking and she convinced me to come back to her booth to catch up. Like an idiot, I went with her. She just started coming on to me, babe. And I was just… still ready from this morning. So I didn't stop her until it was too late. She just kept rubbing me and touching me and she went in my boxers and that's when I stopped her. I'm so sorry…" I find myself crying again. I put my face into Demi's chest and just cry. I hope she forgives me.

She doesn't say anything to me. She's quiet for a while.

"…A…All she did was give you a handjob? Is that all?" Demi doesn't sound too upset, but I can hear in her voice that she is.

"Yes… I swear that was all. And it lasted like thirty seconds before I just… stopped her." I sniff and keep crying into her chest.

She doesn't say anything again. But I do feel her bring her hands up and rub my head. She strokes my hair softly and grips it hard once. She doesn't hurt me though. She lets my hair go and goes back to rubbing it.

"Stop crying." She whispers to me.

I sniff into her chest and just keep bawling. I'm a grown man and she's making me cry like this. Only one girl in my life has ever made me sob this hard, and Demi's her.

"I said stop crying. It's okay… I'm not mad."

"…Y…You're not?" I sniff again.

"No. I mean… I'm a little sad, yes. But I'm not mad… I understand. I know that you're… needy. And I can't satisfy you right now. So you needed someone to. And I'm glad you stopped her. I'm not mad…"

"Seriously?" I'm still talking into her boobs. I can't bring myself to lift my head up.

"I'm serious. I'm not mad at you. Just… don't do it again." She says. I can tell she means it.

I love Demi SO much. How isn't she angry with me? I cheated on her. And she understands? I'm so glad she forgives me. I love her so damn much.

I lift my head up from her chest and look at her. "I love you."

"I love you too. Now let's go. I want to see my baby."

I put her down on the ground and stare at her. She's an amazing woman.

All of a sudden, Demi punches me in my abs. It doesn't hurt, because she didn't punch me hard.

"I guess I deserve that." I chuckle.

She smiles back at me. "Okay. Now seriously. Let's go. I wanna go see Lala."

"Lala?"

"Dallas gave her that nickname. I think it's cute. Her name is JoelLA."

We head out the door and we're on our way to the hospital.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't a little bit upset about Joe's little slip up in the studio. But I don't really… care.

First of all, it's not like I haven't been cheated on before. Trace used to cheat on me all the time. I've learned not to care about it. Sure, it stings a little bit more since it's Joe, but I'm fine.

Second of all, I'm not really sure if it's cheating. I mean, she gave him a handjob and he stopped her. I don't know if I count a handjob as cheating, fully. At least he had the decency to stop her.

And third of all, I understand that he's really horny. I really understand that. And I can't give him any right now. I can't give him any for another six weeks. I know what it feels like, because when I was pregnant, I was really horny too and he wouldn't touch me. If I had someone rubbing all over my body while I was horny like that, I don't think I'd be able to resist it either.

He just better not do it again.

Anyway, we manage to sneak off to the hospital without the paparazzi knowing. There's nobody in our way going into the hospital, and it's a nice feeling. I just want to see my baby.

It gets a little tedious to do the usual routine. We walk into the hospital, take the elevator up to the seventh floor, check in with the secretary, scrub our hands and scan our bracelets.

I nearly run back to Joella's incubator.

This time, Nancy is sitting in the usual chair reading a different book from last time. There isn't a sheet over Joella's incubator.

"Hi guys. We've been looking forward to you two today." Nancy puts her book down.

"Hi…" I smile so wide and turn my attention to the incubator.

Nancy stands up and starts taking the incubator apart. "You've gotten lots of visitors today, haven't you?" She coos to Joella as she detaches all her wires.

"…She has?" I raise my eyebrow.

"Yep. Grandma came to visit her today. And so did grandpa. And so did Aunt Madison."

I'm about six seconds away from SNAPPING out. "Are they allowed to just do that? They can come visit? Without me knowing?"

"We have lots of family members that come visit babies in our facility."

I know that my face is really red right now. I am LIVID. I'm going to SNAP.

"Demi, calm down… it's alright babe." Joe touches my arm.

"No… it's not alright. They're not even speaking to me, they kicked me out the fucking house but they still bring their asses to come see MY baby?" I'm shaking, I'm so angry.

"Demi CHILL OUT. I'm not joking. You chill out or you're not holding her. Calm down. Calm down at least until we leave." Joe's pulling Joella away from me. He's holding her.

"Joe, give me her." I'll fuck him up too.

"Not until you calm down. You're shaking like a damn dog. You're not holding her until you calm down."

I take a couple deep breaths. He's right. I shouldn't hold her until I calm down. I sit down in the chair to relax.

Nancy hands me a glass of water. I sip some water.

"Now give me my baby." I demand.

Joe leans down and hands her to me. Oh my god, I'm so mad right now.

"Hi princess. Hi my princess." I stroke her hair. I'm so angry right now, but I will NEVER take it out on her.

"Say hi mommy. Say hi mama." Joe smiles and "makes" her say.

Joella moves her head further into my chest and kicks her feet. "Ehhh…"

"How's she been today?" I pull myself together long enough to ask Nancy.

"She's done well. She hasn't eaten much today, so we'd like for you to feed her. She needs a bath today, too. But her eye infection is completely gone. She's doing very, very well."

"Do you have any idea when we'll be able to take her home?" I ask, remembering about Denise.

"With the progress she's making, I'd say that she'll be released in… 2-3 weeks. She's been off the phenorbarbital for a few days now, and the withdrawal symptoms have diminished with her. We'll probably schedule her surgery to have her extra removed within the next week so that we can monitor how she does without it before we release her."

"Sounds good." I smile so big. My baby will be home with me soon.

"So on the schedule for tonight, we'd like for her to take a bath and eat some dinner and go ahead to sleep. Do you think you guys can do that?"

"Sure. I… I brought some things for her that I'd like for her to have. I have a blanket… some clothes… a stuffed animal… a pacifier, if she'll take it…"

"Of course. You can dress her in her new clothes and you can give her the blanky and the stuffed animal. We encourage parents to bring their babies these things. I'll be right back. I'm going to go prep the bathing area for her. I'll come get you guys when it's ready."

"Okay."

Joe leans down beside me and kisses her on her head. "You ready to take a bath? Hmm?"

Joella opens her eyes and blows spit bubbles at me.

"Why are you spitting at me? I didn't do anything." I laugh. I lean down and kiss her slobbery lips.

She giggles a little bit at me and touches my face. "hehhm hehhhm." Her laugh is so cute.

She closes her eyes again and just relaxes on my lap. Joe rubs her hair.

"You still think we should cut her extra thumb off?" I ask Joe.

"…I'd love to keep it. I think it's perfect. But you gotta think about her in the long run. She might not be able to hold a pencil, throw a softball, clap her hands properly… all that stuff. So I think we should…"

"…Yeah. You're probably right." I stroke her extra thumb. She actually lets me touch it.

"Alright, you guys can come on back." Nancy tells us.

Joe grabs the diaper bag and I hold Joella really tight in my arms. We both walk back to the bathing area with Nancy. There's a thick towel on a small table, and on top of the thick towel is a puppy-pad. There's a small tub full of soapy water next to the towel and puppy-pad and there's two washcloths.

"You guys know how to bathe her, right?"

"Yes…" Joe says. He starts undressing Joella and he lays her on the puppy-pad. I think it's adorable how Joella curls her little naked body into a ball.

I grab the longer washcloth and dip it in the tub of water. "How is she going to stay warm without the light?"

"Underneath the puppy-pad, there is a heated towel. So she'll be alright."

I start off by washing her face. She doesn't cry at all, but she swats me away with her hands. She really doesn't like to be messed with. "Nehh… nehhhh…"

"You can't have a dirty face, Lala." I move on from her face to her neck. She's fine with me washing her neck. Joe helps out by washing her arms, legs and belly. I get her armpits real good.

"Did you get her bum?" I ask Joe.

"No. I don't want to touch her privates…"

"Joe, suck it up." I finish off by washing her bum and between her legs. Joella's eyes are wide open and her head is laying to the side, as if she's annoyed by all this.

"Wrap her in her towel then grab her something to wear. I need to wash her hair." I hand Joe a small towel and he does what I ask.

I wash out Joella's fluffy hair. "Are you lookin at mama? Hmmm?" I rub her head in a circular motion, then rinse out the suds. She's all clean.

"Do we got a clean baby?" Joe asks.

"Yes we do." I begin to dry her off. Joe puts a diaper on her.

I carefully dress her in the plain pink onesie that I brought. I put pink booties on her foot too.

"It's time for her to eat." Joe says. He helps me dry off her hair.

Joella is really calm and she's not making a peep anymore.

I let Joe carry her back to her cubicle.

I sit in the chair and get ready to feed her.

This whole parenting thing is really fun. I love spending time with her.

Joe puts her in my arms and I lift my shirt up to feed her. Joella latches onto my breast quickly and she starts sucking hungrily. I smile down at her.

"Mind if I take a picture?" Joe asks me.

"…To put on twitter?"

"…Well… I was thinking you could put it on twitter, but I'll take the picture. You don't tweet about her much."

"…Just make sure you don't get my nipple in the picture. That would be all bad."

He chuckles and positions his phone. He snaps the picture. "There. I'll put it on your twitter. What do you want the caption to be?"

"Here… I'll type it. Just… hold her head still for me." I reach out and grab his phone. He holds Joella's head steady on my breast so that she can keep eating.

I look at the picture first. It's not incriminating. My nipples aren't showing at all. Only Joella's head is seen.

I post the picture on my account and caption it: Mommy & baby bonding time :) I love my baby girl!

"There… are you happy?" I ask Joe. He laughs and nods.

I let him keep holding Joella's head.

When we leave the hospital, I remember that I have some… unfinished business to tend to.

If Joe thought that I was just going to let that go, he is sadly mistaken.

My parents had the AUDACITY to bring their asses in the hospital to see MY daughter. They kicked me out the house, aren't speaking to me, haven't spoken to me in WEEKS, and thought it would be okay to just walk into the hospital and see her?

As soon as we get into the car, I call my mom up. She better answer.

It rings, rings, rings and goes to voicemail.

I call my dad. It rings, rings, rings, goes to voicemail.

"Demi, just let it go. Babe, it's really not worth it. It's not."

"Shut up, Joe." I decide to call Dallas.

It rings twice and she answers. "Yeah Dem?"

"Are you home?"

"Yeah… why?"

"Are mom and dad there?"

"Yep."

"Dallas, go give mom the phone. NOW. Don't tell her who it is. Just give her the phone."

"Demi, what's up?"

"They went to see Joella without me knowing…. Like what the fuck? Just give mom the phone."

"Alrighty. Hold on."

The line is silent, but in the background, I hear my mom's voice. This is not the way I wanted to talk to her for the first time in weeks, but I'll kill someone over my baby. I don't even care if it's my mom. "Who is it, Dallas?" My mom says in the background.

"I don't know… they didn't say. They just asked for you." Dallas says to her.

More silence follows.

"Hello?" My mom says all nicely and stuff. I want to fucking kill my parents.

"Hi mom." I say. Oh, I lay on the sarcasm thick. I am so irritated.

"What do you want?" Her tone turns sour really quick.

"What did you do today, mother?"

She hangs up on me. That's fine.

I reach into my purse. I still have a house key.

"Take me to my house." I'm shaking so bad right now.

"Demi, please calm down."

"JOE TAKE ME TO MY FUCKING HOUSE I'M NOT FUCKING AROUND." I scream at him.

"…Please don't do anything stupid, babe." He makes a right and takes me in the direction of my house.

I can't stop shaking. If I go in that house, I'm going to kill someone.

"Demi, please calm down. Baby girl, calm down…"

"Stay OUT OF IT, Joe." I'm shaking so bad.

Joe parks in front of my house. I get out of the car, slam the door behind me and run up to my front door.

I put the key in the lock, turn it and walk right inside. Fuck knocking. I slam the door to let it be known that I'm here.

Maddie is the first one to realize that it's me. I don't want to associate with her right now, because I CAN'T be nice. She didn't do anything to me, so I don't want to be mean to her, but I CAN'T be nice.

"DEMI! DEMI! DEMI! DEMI'S HOME!" She screams and runs to me.

I storm right past her, heading for the living room. Dallas comes and sees me.

"Dems... what are you doing here?" She wrinkles her eyebrows confused.

"Don't worry about it." I storm past her too and head into the living room. I stand right in front of the TV that both my parents are watching.

"DEMI, GET OUT." My mom starts with me.

"HOW ABOUT NO. THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE, I'LL WALK IN HERE IF I WANT TO."

"YOU DON'T PAY ANY FUCKING BILLS IN HERE, DEMETRIA. YOUR HOUSE MY ASS!" My dad starts. His yelling used to intimidate me, but I don't care right now.

"I BOUGHT IT! HOW ABOUT THAT?! I FUCKING BOUGHT IT! AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO! BUT **I **CAN TELL YOU TWO TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM JOELLA. YOU DO **NOT **GO VISIT HER WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE! SHE'S **MINE, **GOD DAMN IT. SHE'S **MINE. **YOU HAVE TO ASK ME TO GO VISIT HER! AND IF I DON'T WANT YOU TO, YOU DON'T!"

"YOUR BABY, DEMI? YOUR BABY? WHY DON'T YOU TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABY?!" My mom screams so loud at me.

"I DO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY. YES, SHE'S **MINE. **AND YOU STAY AWAY."

"You do not take care of her, Demetria. Taking care of her means doing what's best for her. Not getting highed up on fucking cocaine." My dad snickers. "Every problem that baby will have will be because of you. What a sorry ass mother you are."

Oh, my god. I'm about to fucking KILL somebody. Everything in this house, I bought. So if I want to destroy something, I can. It takes everything out of me to not kick the damn TV off the stand. "**I'M A SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MOTHER? OH YEAH? WELL I SNORTED COCAINE THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF MY PREGNANCY, AND I'M STILL A BETTER PARENT THAN THE BOTH OF YOU. I'M A SORRY ASS MOTHER FOR DOING DRUGS? AT LEAST I DIDN'T LET MY SIX YEAR OLD GET RAPED TWENTY FUCKING TIMES BY HER FATHER BEFORE I STOPPED IT, DIANNA." **I know that that was a little bit uncalled for, but hey. If we're calling people sorry ass parents, we might as well let it all out. I look at Dallas and apologize to her with a look for bringing it up. I know how much she wants to forget about it. But that doesn't stop me. I keep going. "**AND LETS NOT FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU… LIKE THE FUCKING **_**QUITTER **_**YOU ARE, KICKED YOUR DAUGHTER OUT OF THE HOUSE THAT SHE BOUGHT, EDDIE. WHAT KIND OF PARENT GIVES UP ON THEIR CHILD? DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A SORRY ASS MOTHER BECAUSE I WAS ADDICTED TO A FUCKING DRUG, BECAUSE ****YOUR ****SORRY ASS DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK ENOUGH TO GET ME AWAY FROM TRACE. I DON'T CARE HOW MANY TIMES I BEGGED YOU NOT TO CALL THE POLICE ON HIM, ANY KIND OF ****FATHER ****WOULD HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY."**

Both my parents are silent, and I don't really care if I hurt their feelings.

I throw my house key on the coffee table. I talk quieter now, but still with the same intensity. "I don't care that you kicked me out. I'm happy to be gone." I take one more deep breath.

"But if you don't want to associate with me, you WON'T associate with my daughter either." I walk past them into the hallway again.

Maddie looks at me with tears in her eyes as I leave. I stop beside her. "I'll come pick you up for ice cream in a couple days, kid." I kiss her cheek. She smiles at me.

I stop at Dallas too. "Thanks for being there. We'll go see Joella tomorrow." I give her a hug.

"Stay safe, Dems." She hugs me back.

"I will."

I leave out the house and slam the door behind me. I go back outside to the car.

Joe holds my hand and that really does help calm me down some more.


	37. Rush

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe and I fell asleep soon after we got home from the hospital. It's been a really… really exhausting day. For me, especially.

I don't know if I feel bad about cussing my parents out like that. I don't think I do, but I'm not entirely sure. I mean, I think they deserved it. But I just hope that I haven't done anything to make them resent me forever. I don't really want to be on bad terms with them forever, I just hope that I got through to them.

Anyway, I sleep really well tonight. Joe has me entangled so tightly in his arms that I can hardly move, and that's the way I like it. My head is resting on his chest and my hands are laid flat on his abs. He has his arm wrapped around my waist and his other arm is secured on my butt. His head is collapsed on top of my head and I'm really comfortable. I always sleep the best whenever I'm held by him.

I don't know what it is though, but something in my conscience tells me to wake up. I don't have to pee. I don't have to do anything. Something just told me to wake up.

I lift myself up and Joe clenches his arms around me hard. "What's the matter Demi?" His sleepy voice is really sexy.

"…Nothing." I say. Nothing's wrong. I just had to wake up.

"Are you sure?" He yawns real big and his hands are rubbing all over my body.

"Mhm…" I nod.

He brings one of his free hands up and combs through my hair with his fingers. "You don't seem too sure. Nothing's bothering you?"

I shake my head. "No…"

"It's too dark in here for me to see you, otherwise I'd kiss you."

I smile a little. "You can always just try." It really is too dark to see where our lips are supposed to meet.

He lifts his head up and ends up kissing my nose. I laugh. "Wrong way." I whisper to him.

He lifts the covers up over both our heads. "Help me out then."

"What if I don't help you?"

"I'll have to beat you up…" He puts his hands on my waist and slides them up my shirt.

"At two o clock in the morning? You're gonna beat me up?" I just lie there and let him do whatever he wants to do to me.

"I don't care how early in the morning it is. I'll still beat you up." He leans down and kisses my neck.

I really love the relationship that Joe and I have. He's really my best friend. And I remember back whenever we were filming our first movie, our play fights would always turn into something more than play fights, but they never led to sex. Just touching, kissing, fingering or handjobs. Nothing more than that. But he's the only man I've ever "fought" with.

"Oh, really? I don't think you will… because it'd be awfully rude to wake up your mom because I hurt you too bad." I stroke his head as he kisses my neck.

His hands fumble around with the rims of my underwear. "You should just let me beat you up."

"…I'm beginning to think me and you have different definitions of 'beat up'." I smile and keep rubbing his head.

"Maybe we do… I've got my mind set on beating something in particular up… if you know what I mean." He lifts his head from my neck and kisses my lips. I kiss him back hard and bite his bottom lip.

"Why don't you tell me what that something is?"

"I think you already know." He maneuvers himself between my legs and I open them for him. "Do you need me to be easy with you?"

I look down at the way our pelvises are touching and I smirk. "Maybe a little… I'm kind of sore."

"I'll be careful." He promises. He slides his hand down my underwear first off and just rubs. I don't think he needs to do the whole foreplay thing, because I'm already wet. But I follow his lead and put my hand down his boxers too.

On the dresser beside the bed, I hear something buzzing. I think this is what told me to wake up in the first place. I just… had this feeling. And I have the feeling again. The feeling that this is it.

"Hold on, baby." I whisper to Joe. I take my hand from his boxers and reach over to check the caller ID. If it's not anyone important, I won't answer.

"Come on Demi… just let it ring." Joe's begging. His hand is still moving between my legs. Oh god, it feels good.

"Just hold on… real quick." I grab my phone and look. It's not a number that I recognize. I really don't know whose number it is.

"Who is it?" He whines. He actually pushes a finger inside of me.

I can't hold back a little moan. "Mmmm… I don't know. But let me answer it…"

I slide my finger across the screen and put the phone to my ear. Joe still hasn't stopped; he's still fingering me.

"Hello?" I struggle to keep my tone steady.

"Hello, may I speak to Demetria?"

I close my eyes and curl my toes under to bear with what's Joe's doing to me. I feel him breathing on my sex now. I really hope he doesn't decide to give me oral while I'm on the phone. I'll have to hang up. "Speaking…" My voice is shaky.

"Hi, Demi. This is Dr. Grace… do you have a free minute?"

Who's doctor Grace? Joe puts his mouth atop of my crotch and he swirls his tongue around. My breath catches in my throat. "Dr. Grace?" I ask.

"Yes… from the NICU? Do you have a minute?" She explains to me who she is.

OH. That doctor Grace. …Why is she calling me? I put my hand down on Joe's head and stop him. He slams his hands down on the sides of the bed angrily, but I don't care. He's gonna have to wait. "I have a minute… is everything okay?"

"I'm really sorry to be calling so early in the morning, but we have a little… problem here. With Joella."

"Joella? Is she alright?" When I say Joella's name, Joe snaps out of it too. He comes up from the covers and I sit up too, no underwear on and everything.

"How soon can you and your partner get here, Demi? Her health has taken a turn… for the worst. Nancy is prepping her for surgery right now."

"I can be there in… twenty minutes. Is she going to be okay?" I feel myself getting all worked up. My stomach gets tight in a knot and tears sting my eyes real bad. I get up from the bed and yank on my underwear with the phone still pressed to my ear.

"I'm pretty sure she'll be fine eventually, but she's not doing well right now. I will explain everything as soon as you get here."

"Okay." I hang up the phone and yank on some sweatpants too.

"What's the matter Demi? What happened to Joella?"

"Hurry up and get dressed Joe. They're taking her to surgery…"

"…Why?"

"I DON'T KNOW, JOE JUST GET UP!" I wipe tears away with the back of my hand and sniff.

Joe springs up from the bed and heads to his bathroom. He's in there for a little while.

I feel weird about this, but I have to do it anyway, because Joe's taking too long in the bathroom and I'm ready to GO.

I walk out of Joe's room and go down the hall to his parents' room. I knock on their door hard.

I hear rustling coming from their bed and the latch on their door flings open. Paul opens the door.

"What's going on?"

"Joe and I have to go to the hospital. One of the baby's doctors just called and said that she has to be rushed into surgery tonight…" My jaw is trembling.

"Oh… Okay. Call us when you get there. Keep us updated on her. I mean it, Demi."

"I will… I will." I don't even wait for him to say anything else. I go back to Joe's room, slide on flip flops and run downstairs. Joe's not far behind me.

"Come on, Joe. Why are you moving so slow?" I wipe my face again but it's no use.

Joe hurries up and gets in the car with me. We speed off to the hospital.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I can't calm Demi down. I can't even calm myself down right now, quite honestly. But Demi is a basket case. At least I can hide my distress. She's snapping out at everybody, crying really hard and rushing me. I can only drive but so fast, you know?

We get to the hospital in ten minutes and Demi flies out of the car and into the building. I have to run to keep up with her.

We go up to the seventh floor, check in, wash our hands, scan our bracelets and Demi runs back to Joella's incubator.

Joella's not in her incubator. Her incubator is empty and still taken apart. Dr. Grace is sitting there, obviously waiting for us.

"Where is she?" Demi asks immediately.

"She's in pre-surgery right now. They need to put her under anesthesia so they're going to do that soon. It looks like she's suffering from appendicitis. And she was struggling real hard to breathe while she was in so much pain, so around one o clock, Nancy gave her a breathing treatment. And that helped, but soon after that, her appendix was on the bubble of bursting.. So we've gotten a surgeon to help her out. The surgery is just going to be very routine. He's going to go in there and stabilize her lungs with a scope so that she doesn't struggle to breathe anymore, and then we're gonna remove her appendix real easy. Then for a few hours after surgery, she'll be put on oxygen therapy. She's not breathing on her own right now, but she is going to be okay after we get the appendix out of her."

"Can we go see her? Before she goes back for surgery?" Demi asks again.

"Let me go see how far along Nancy is. I'll come back and let you know her status." Dr. Grace nods at us and disappears behind a set of double doors.

Demi's a mess. She's wiping her face every two seconds and just crying so hard. I kind of want to cry too, but that wouldn't help her.

So instead, I pull her into my chest and hold her tight. "Shhh… you heard the doctor. She's gonna be okay babe… she's gonna be okay."

"She's just a baby, Joe…" She cries into my chest.

"I know… and she's a strong baby. She'll be okay. She's gonna be okay." I rub her back.

"I just can't help but think this is all my fault." She sniffs and wipes her face.

"Demetria, look at me. She's OKAY. She's a strong baby. She's gonna be okay."

Dr. Grace comes back to us. "You two can come on back. She hasn't gone into surgery just yet. She's still being prepped for anesthetics."

We follow doctor Grace back through the double doors, down a hallway and into a small room. Inside the room, there's a tiny hospital bed with bars on the sides. It looks like crib. Joella's lying in the crib-bed with a tube up her nose and wires attached onto her belly.

"Hi gorgeous…" Demi leans over the side of the crib and kisses her cheek. "I'm here… you see me? Mommy's here…" She holds her hand.

Joella is shivering and whimpering. She sounds miserable. Damn it, I can't hold it back anymore. I let a tear slip through my right eye.

"What's a matter, gorgeous? What's a matter?" I say in a baby voice. I lean down and kiss her cheek too.

Joella opens up her eyes and looks at me and then at Demi. "Hehhh…"

"I missed you, pumpkin. Mommy and Daddy's gonna be right here when you wake up…" Demi's stroking her hair.

"We're gonna go ahead and start an IV on her so that we can get the anesthesia mask on. Okay?" Nancy speaks softly.

"Do I have to stop touching her?" Demi asks with tears still streaming from her face.

"No. You guys can still rub on her and love on her while I'm doing the IV and doing the anesthesia." Nancy opens up a new needle.

Joella's attention is on the needle pack that Nancy just opened because it made a noise.

"Lala… Lala…. Over here. Look at mommy… don't look at that." Demi's speaking real softly. Joella turns her head to Demi. "Yeah… look at mommy and daddy. Don't look over there."

I watch Nancy stick the IV needle in Joella's chubby little ankle. I wince a little. I don't like to see anyone inflict pain on her.

Joella whines a little bit before it turns into a full blown cry. Her cry is LOUD and really ear piercing. It's the kind of cry where you can tell that she was just hurt.

"It's over, pumpkin. It's over… it's all done." I try to comfort her too. I take her hand in my hand and rub it. She calms down just a little.

Nancy softly puts a mask over Joella's face. Joella SCREAMS bloody murder. It's breaking my heart so bad to hear it.

Demi's crying so hard that she has to leave the room.

I sit with our baby while one doctor holds her hands down and the other doctor puts her to sleep.

It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to watch.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I really need to calm down. I really need to chill out. I can't stop crying, and just when I think that I'm about to stop crying, the sound of my baby screaming like that haunts me again.

I don't know, maybe I'm overreacting, but that was so hard to hear my baby cry like that. She's just a baby…

I grab my phone out of my pocket and walk back to Joella's incubator. I check the time. It's 3:24 in the morning. I feel bad for calling at this hour, but I really need someone to talk to. I need to talk to someone, and only one person comes to mind right now.

I grab Joella's blanket from her incubator and hold it. It smells like her, so it makes me feel like I have her in my arms.

I dial the number on my phone and wait for an answer.

I won't be surprised if I don't get an answer, it's really early in the morning, but I really need someone to talk to.

To my immense surprise, I do get an answer.

"…Do you have any idea how early it is, Demi? I could kill you…"

"Dallas… I just… I don't know what to do right now…" I cry to her.

She yawns into the phone. "What happened now?"

"It's Joella…"

"Is she okay?"

"No… No… she's in surgery right now and I just…. I can't do this anymore, Dal. It's way too hard… to see her like that…"

"What's she in surgery for?"

"Appendix… trouble breathing… I don't know what to do, Dallas…"

"You want me to come to the hospital? I mean… it's a little early… I'd probably have to sneak… but if you need me, I'll come."

"I know it's early and I'm sorry for calling this early… but I just really need you, Dal. You're the only person… I don't know. I just…"

She sighs hard into the phone. "I'm coming… what floor is the NICU on?"

"The seventh."

"Mmkay. I'll be right there."

"Thanks Dal."

"What are sisters for?"

I hang up the phone and just wait. I can't do this anymore, I seriously can't. I've had it up to here with everything. With EVERYTHING.

Dr. Grace walks back in the room to put Joella's incubator back together. "Believe me, Demi. You're taking this harder than Joella's taking it. She's a little trouper."

I sniff. "But it's hard to see her like that…"

"I know how you feel… my youngest son, Jaden, spent a few months in the NICU too. He's healthy as a horse today, but it was hard to see him like that." She puts Joella's blankets back into the incubator.

"…Is this gonna affect when I get to bring her home? Like… am I not gonna get to bring her home for longer? Nancy said yesterday that she'd be able to come home in 2-3 weeks."

"Demi, what do you think an appendicitis is? It's not affecting her in any way possible, besides causing her some pain. Joella is still doing very, very well here. She's still really healthy. You'll still get to bring her home. It's not that serious."

I sniff. "Okay, good. I just can't wait to get her out of here…"

"Trust me. It'll all be worth it the day you walk out of here with a healthy little baby."

I smile and nod. "You're right…" I wipe my face again. "Where's Joe?"

"He's sitting in the recovery room waiting for Joella to come out. Her surgery's only about 20 minutes long."

"When you go back, can you tell him that I'll be back there in a little while? Tell him that I'm waiting on Dallas…"

"Yes ma'am, I will." She snaps the incubator closed and goes back through the double doors.

I sit there a little longer just waiting.

Dallas rounds the corner to Joella's cubicle. "..I was wondering which way this was…" She says, all confused.

I laugh a little. "Hey, Dalls."

She sits down in the chair across from me. "You okay?"

"I'm feeling better… I still feel pretty crappy though…"

"She'll be okay."

"I know she will."

She reaches down into her purse. "I bought Lala something…"

"Really?"

"Mhm… thought she might like to have this…" She picks a small, stuffed penguin from her purse. It's mine.

"…Zazu…" I smile and laugh.

My mom gave me Zazu when I was three. I was obsessed with the Lion King when I was a baby, and I wanted a Dodo bird for my third birthday. Well, instead of a Dodo bird, my mom gave me this penguin. I named it Zazu.

"Thanks, Dal… I… I really wanted to give this to her." I smile big.

"I knew you'd want to give it to her." She smiles too.

Through the set of double doors, Nancy walks out.

"Joella's out of surgery, you can come back to recovery to see her."

Me and Dallas both stand up to go see my baby.

I have Zazu in my hand, ready to introduce him to his new owner.


	38. Good News and Bad News

**Demi's Point of View.**

After Joella's surgery, Me, Joe and Dallas had to leave the hospital for a little while.

Well, we didn't HAVE to leave, it would just be best if we did. None of us have eaten yet today, it's 7:30 in the morning, we're all tired as hell and Joella still has another hour before she'll wake up from the anesthesia anyway. So to leave would be a good thing.

Best believe that I'm coming back, though. I promised her I'd be there when she woke up. Though I know she's too little to understand my promise, I still need to honor it. It's important to me to keep my promise to her.

Before we left, Nancy let us know that Joella did VERY good with the surgery. I'm happy that my baby is so strong.

When I get back to Joe's house, I'm really exhausted. Like… really. I just want to fall into Joe's bed and sleep for hours. But if I go back to sleep, I won't make it back to Joella before she wakes up. So I have to fight to stay up.

You know what would make staying up a lot easier? Some Thing.

I haven't been high in almost a month. The last time I got high was the week before I had Joella, I think. It's been a while. I'd be lying if I said I haven't been craving it, because I have. It's just not as intense as it was before I gave birth. The headaches I get are very bearable and I get the chills, but every so often. I don't know what happened, but I don't think I'm that bad of an addict anymore.

I just wish the rest of my life was as healed as my addiction almost is. I won't lie. It sucks not talking to my parents.

But I'm still to blame for everything that's happened to me. When I think about it, the reason that my parents kicked me out and won't talk to me is because I chose cocaine over my baby. The reason that I got fired was because I was stupid and didn't make Joe use protection. I realize that everything is still my fault, I do. But it sucks, because I know that I screwed up and I can't right my wrongs.

"You want to take a nap, babe?" Joe asks me as soon as we walk through the door of his house.

"No… because we might miss Joella waking up if we nap…"

"You want to grab something to eat and go relax in the theater then?"

"Yeah… but I'm not really hungry." I yawn. I'm really tired.

"Okay. Go ahead and go down to the theater. I'll be down in a minute, I'm gonna get something to eat."

I take the elevator down to the theater. I am so tired that I don't think I'm going to be able to stay awake.

I sit down on the couch in the theater and pull a blanket over myself. I must stay awake. I'm so tired that I'm dizzy. I'm not sure if anything I see is actually real. I think I'm dozing off.

In my butt pocket, my phone buzzes. I don't even care enough to check the caller ID when I grab it. It's probably one of Joella's doctors telling me that she woke up. I slide my finger across the screen to answer it and put the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" I know that my voice is so raspy.

"…What's up?"

…That's not Nancy. That's not even Dr. Grace. It's not Jade. It's nobody's voice that I'd heard recently. I freeze immediately.

"….Hello? Demi? What's up?" The person on the end of the phone sounds sad.

I close my eyes. Either I'm so tired that I'm imagining this voice, or it really is…

"…N..Nothing… I… I have to go…" I'm shaking too bad to put the phone down. It's not the angry shaking, either. It's the scared shitless shaking. I don't even remember how to hang up.

"Don't hang up, Demi. Don't… I just want to talk. I swear I only want to talk."

"…I can't talk… right now…"

"Then can I call you back later? I really want to talk to you…"

"I don't think it's a good idea… to…"

"I swear all I want to do is talk to you. Dammit, I miss you." He sounds really upset.

"I can't talk to you, Trace. I can't…"

"Demi, I know I messed up. Please just talk to me."

"…What do you want?"

"Just to talk to you…"

"…Well talk. I'm listening…" This isn't a good idea. Why can't I just hang up the phone?

"…What's up? I miss ya… How.. How are you?"

"I'm fine…"

"Really? That's good… That… J..Joe? How's he treating you?"

"Fine…"

"…How's the baby? I see you had her… it's a girl right?"

"Yes. Her name's Joella and she's fine too."

"So you really are doing good for yourself? How have you been, kid? Seriously… how have you been?"

"I've been okay…"

"Is there anything new? I haven't talked to you in seven months, Demi. Something has to be up."

"…Why are you calling me?" I get up from the couch in the theater and go into the bathroom. I shut and lock the door.

"Why not?" He sniffs.

"Are you crying?"

"…nah."

"What are you crying for? I should be the one crying…"

"I miss you, girl. I miss you so much."

"Trace…"

"Please let me talk, Demi. Ever since you left me… I can't stop thinking about you… I love you. I really love you. And I think… I think I want to be with you. You still love me, right? You still have some love for me? I'm clean now… I've been clean for two months… I don't want it anymore, unless I have you. I miss you so much, Demi. I'm ready to act right… I'm ready. And the… baby… s…she's mine… isn't she?"

"…What? NO."

"She has to be… She's gotta be mine. The dates don't add up for her to be his… she's a whole month off… you and him didn't get together until January, right? If she was his, she'd be born next month… right? I've been thinking about this for a while…" He sniffs again, still crying.

"…She was born early. And she's Joe's, not yours."

"…Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. So get that out of your head right now before you make something of it. She's not yours…"

"Can we get a test? Just to be sure? If she is mine… I want you two. I want to be with you… and I think there's a possibility… right?"

"No…. no possibility. And I'm not getting a DNA test. Trace, you blew it… you treated me like… shit."

He starts bawling into the phone, and it kind of makes me feel bad and disgusts me at the same time.

"Demi, please… I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to be what you deserve. Let me prove it to you… I love you. You made me feel… alive. I feel dead without you. Please believe me… please. I gave it all up. I… I moved. I live in a better house. Ryan doesn't live here anymore… there are no drugs here. I've been clean for two months. I live in a better house. I'm clean. I swear I've changed my ways… please? Remember… I love you. I was wrong, Demi. I was wrong. You… you didn't need me. I need you…. I need you… I can't live without you."

"…I'm sorry, but…" I'm crying too. God, this is so hard. And it shouldn't be. I love Joe so much. I know that Joe and Joella are what I want. I want them forever. But to hear Trace crying like this over me is making me feel so bad. I did love him at one point in time. But I don't love him anymore. I feel so bad for him… I feel so bad that he changed so much for me, but I don't want him.

"Please, Demi. Please…. I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, sorry. I'm sorry…. I'm sorry. Please, Demi."

"…I can't. I don't love you… anymore. Not like that…" I whisper into the phone.

"I'll kill myself, Demi. I swear I will. I don't want to live without you."

"Please, Trace. Please…" I bite my lip. I can't deal with him saying that to me.

"I'm serious…. I'm serious. I don't want to live without you. I love you… I love you. You're my everything… you're my life. I'll kill myself without you. I don't want to live my life without you in it. You gave my life meaning and now that you're not with me, there's no point in living. I don't want to live without you Demi."

I really can't deal with this. He treated me so bad. He treated me like shit. But why can't I deal with him saying this to me? It's too much pressure. He wouldn't really kill himself over me, would he?

"Trace, I'm so… sorry. But I can't. And I have to go…"

"Demi, please. Please, please please. Give me another chance… please… I just want to show you that I mean it… please please please. I love you so much… I miss you so much."

"I'm sorry… but no." I take the phone away from my ear and tap the end button.

Oh my god, I can't deal with this.

I slide down the door of the bathroom, pull my knees into my chest, rest my head in my knees and sob. I don't love him. I don't want to be with him. But I can't deal with him saying those things to me. I really can't do it…

He told me that he didn't wanna live without me. He told me that he'd die without me… seriously? I can't deal with that kind of pressure. I don't want him to kill himself because of me.

It's crazy how easy I was able to tell him no, though. All I did was tell him no. And it was easy. And I meant it.

You ever have one of those defining moments in your life? Where you realize that all you have to do is say no, and it can make your life?

I realize that I said no to Trace, and I did something right. I did right by telling him no. I don't want to be with him.

And maybe it's not really my fault. Maybe I have to come to terms with the fact that no, everything isn't my fault.

I close my eyes. I don't really want to think about all this, but this part in my brain won't shut up. The part that was always numb whenever I was high off cocaine. It's active now, and all these bad memories wash over me.

The night I first tried cocaine…

I didn't want to try it. I wanted to go home.

There's too much smoke in the room. I think I'm getting contact high off marijuana. I don't want to sniff it, Trace. I said no. I don't want to smell it. I don't care how good it smells. Can I go home? No? Then I'll just sit here. I don't care… I don't care how good it smells. I can't go home until I smell it. Fine, please just let me go home. I lowered my face down to the mirror, put the rolled up $5 bill up one of my nostrils, and I smelled it. I smelled it until it was gone, and I couldn't smell anything anymore. Not even the smell of marijuana.

I slam my head back against the wall of the bathroom.

That's not my fault. He forced me. I didn't want to. He wouldn't let me leave unless I did. It's not my fault. I really didn't think that one time would lead to two years.

I sniff and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. "That's not your fault…" I tell myself.

My brain still won't shut up.

I had a right to tell Ryan no. If I didn't want to have sex with him, I didn't have to. And fuck being punished for not wanting to.

"That wasn't your fault either…" I tell myself again.

It's a nice feeling to know that I'm not the same person. I'm not that weak Demi that I was. I'm not Trace's property anymore. I'm not even Joe's property. I'm not anyone's property. I'm my own person. And I hate myself for letting myself be treated that way.

Remember that 99.9% of the time? It doesn't have to be wasted with hating myself. Instead, I need to let it all go. I make mistakes, like everyone. I live, I learn.

I can't expect my parents to forgive me for what I did, if I can't even forgive myself.

I can't live until I forgive myself.

And that's the greatest realization I've ever made, within these last eighteen years of being alive.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

Demi's probably wondering where I am. I told her I was on my way down to the theater nearly a half hour ago. I'm late, but it's for a good cause.

I have a surprise for Demi. Well, actually, it's my dad's surprise. But I helped him do it.

We weren't supposed to give it to her until Joella came home from the hospital, but I think Demi's been doing so good lately.

I'm so proud of my baby girl. Both my baby girls are strong. I'm proud of them both.

"Dad, can I give it to her now?" I grab the envelope off the top shelf of the bookcase in the living room.

"If you want to, Joe. But I thought you were going to wait until the baby came home."

"I was… but she's been doing really well. I think she deserves it now…"

"Go ahead and give it to her, then."

I'm so excited to see her face when I give it to her. I hold the envelope tight in my hand and take the elevator down to the theater.

"DEMI…" I call her.

"Huh?" She sniffs. She sounds like she's been crying.

"…What's the matter babe?" I walk to her and hug her.

"Nothing…just…been doing some thinking. That's all. I'm fine. What do you want?" She wipes her face.

"….Are you upset?"

"No… I just thought too much. I'm fine. Now what is it?"

"Well… I think I have something that'll cheer you up. Look what came in the mail for you…" I can't help but smile so wide. I hand her the envelope.

"How do you know what it is if you haven't opened it yet?" She takes the envelope from me.

"…I helped out with it. It's from me and my dad… not really from us, but…. We helped make it possible. Just open it."

"Whatever…" She mutters. She tears open the envelope and opens the letter inside. I read it over her shoulder.

_September 27, 2009_

_Demetria D. Lovato_

_1256 Braddock Avenue_

_Burbank, CA 90087_

_Ms. Lovato: _

_Congratulations! Your request for employee reinstatement to Hollywood Records has been approved! _

_Chief Executive Officer, Mr. John R. Parker has approved your application request to be reinstated as a workable employee of Hollywood Records Record Label and Recording Studios and would like you to know that you may start back to your work immediately._

_Please contact Hollywood Records at the number below to schedule an appointment to re-sign your contract. We have already contacted your talent agent and manager to accommodate you. _

_Once again, congratulations! We wish nothing but the best for you. Enjoy your employment with Hollywood Records._

_Sincerely,_

_John R. Parker, CEO_

_Contact information: (812) 555-6760._

_Enclosure_

Demi finishes reading and she looks up at me.

"….Joe."

I smile at her. "Congratulations, babe."

She jumps up on me and squeals. "JOE JOE JOE JOE JOE! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!"

I hold her so that she doesn't fall.

"I love you too babe. I love you too… congratulations."

"YOU GOT MY JOB BACK?! HOW?! HOW?! OH MY GOD!"

"…well… we had to reapply… my dad helped me fill out your application. And he wrote you a really nice letter of reconsideration. And they approved you. I just didn't think it was fair that you lost your job and I didn't…. you can't return to Disney, though. They denied that. You still can't return to TV. But you can sing again."

"I don't even care… I…I love you so fucking much… I can't… thank you SO much." She kisses my lips a bunch of times.

"Don't forget to thank my dad too. He made it possible…"

"I won't. I won't, I won't I won't I won't! thank you!"

"You're welcome baby girl."

It's so worth it to see Demi smile like this.

She deserves to smile.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

Despite the phone call I got this morning from Trace, I've been having a pretty smooth day.

I'm so happy that I get to sing again. You have no idea what it's been like for me to not release any music. It's been hard. Music is literally my life.

I'm all smiles as Joe and I walk back into the hospital to see Joella. I can't wait to see my baby now. Nothing can make this day any more perfect than what it's already been.

Do you have any idea what it feels like to love yourself? I'm so proud of myself right now. And that's something I haven't been able to say in a really long time. The little realization in the bathroom helped me so much. I'm so… so… SO content right now.

Me and Joe walk up to the seventh floor, check in, scrub our hands, scan our bracelets and go back to Lala's cubicle.

Nancy's sitting with her.

Joella's not in her incubator, though.

"Where is she?" I feel myself get a little panicky.

"Demi… Joe. Nice to see you guys." Nancy stands up and smiles at us.

"Where's Joella?" I ask again. I don't mean to be rude, I just want to know where my baby is at.

"She is back with Dr. Grace, going through a couple of tests. She'll be out here shortly."

"…Tests?"

"Yep. Some tests. And we've got some VERY exciting news."

"Tell us." I'm excited to know the news, I think.

"Well first, let me start by saying that a baby isn't considered full term until they've reached 37 weeks. So if you go into labor when you're 37 weeks pregnant, your baby will be considered full term."

"Okay…" Joe puts his arm around my waist and braces himself.

"And you know that miss Joella was born at 32 and a half weeks… which means she's been in the NICU with us for three and a half weeks now. Which brings her to 37 full weeks of being cared for. Which means, she'd be a full term baby. She's a little small, but she's full term now."

I smile big. "I know…"

"And she's back with Doctor Grace doing tests, because we think that she'll be ready to go on home by tomorrow or the day after. Depending on how well she passes her tests. But… she will be home by the end of this week."

"….OH MY GOD, REALLY?" I squeal.

I feel like crying. I'm so happy.

I look over at Joe. He squeezes me really tight and smiles too. "She's coming home!"

Right on cue, Dr. Grace wheels Joella into the room on this little tray. Joella's in nothing but a diaper and she's cooing, moaning and kicking her feet.

"Say hi mommy and daddy!" Dr. Grace exclaims.

She's still so tiny, so I don't want to pick her up too fast, but I do grab her. And I hold her in my arms.

"Hey pumpkin!"

"Careful of her stitches, Demi. She's a little sore on her belly." Nancy warms me.

"Are you ready to come home pumpkin?" I lean down and kiss her.

Joe starts rubbing her head.

"Ehhh ehhh ehhh…" She's blowing spit bubbles at me.

I'm about to cry. I can't believe I'll be able to take my baby home.

"Based on her tests, I think she'll be ready to head home tomorrow. Her body responded very well to the surgeries today. She bounced back really quick, which is a sign that she doesn't need us anymore. I would say you could take her home tonight, because taking a baby's appendix out is usually only a same-day surgery. They get it taken out and can go home the same day, but since she's a preemie I want to keep her for observation tonight. I'd say come by around noon tomorrow and she'll be all ready to head home."

"You said surgeries… plural. She had more than one surgery today?" Joe raises his eyebrow. It's cute how much he cares, but yeah. I noticed that too.

"Oh, we didn't tell you. Meet the new and improved Joella…" Nancy grabs her hand and turns it towards me and Joe.

I'm seriously about to cry. It's gone.

"…It's gone… it's gone. She's normal now…" Joe says. I can't tell if he's upset or happy.

"…It's gone." I repeat.

Joella's hand is normal now. There is no second thumb growing from her pre-existing thumb. Her normal thumb is a little deformed; it bends in a weird way, but her hand is normal. It's gone.

"…Lala… your extra is gone." I poke my lip out. I'm gonna miss her extra.

I lean my face down to her hand and kiss it softly. It's a little bit bloody on the edge, but it looks pretty okay. They did a nice job of making it look like there was never anything there. I'm glad I got a couple pictures of her extra before they cut it off.

I'm so sad that it's gone.

I suck it up. At least it's better for her, but still. It's gone.

"Can I feed her?" I ask.

"Of course…" Nancy says.

I sit down in the usual chair. It's bittersweet how it's the last time I'll be feeding her in this chair.

I lift my shirt up and my bra too. "Here pumpkin…" I lead her head to my breast.

She latches on like usual and she sucks on me. I do notice how her sucking is a lot stronger.

I stroke her head as she eats.

Joe, of course, whips his phone out to take a picture. I ignore him and stare down at Joella.

She's sucking really softly but it's a strong suck, nothing like the little puppy bites she used to take on my nipple.

I squeeze the top of my breast for her to get more.

"…Oh my… god." Joe says in a loud whisper.

"…What?" I look up at him. His face is really white. He is shocked about something.

"What, Joe?" I say again.

"…Oh my…" He's reading something off his phone.

"WHAT?" I get a little louder.

"…Nothing, Demi. Nothing… it's… nothing. You're holding Joella… i… I'll tell you later." He sounds really unsteady.

"…Tell me now." I'm worried. Is he okay?

"No… Babe. You don't… you're gonna need a minute." He shakes his head.

"Joe, seriously… you can tell me. I'll be okay." I squeeze the top of my boob again for Joella.

"No, Demi. …You need to be… ready for this."

"Joseph. Tell me…. are you okay? Are you sick, honey?" I'm really worried. I've never seen Joe act like this before.

"No… I'm not sick, babe." He's not talking above a whisper.

"Then what is it?" I think I know what it is. The media probably found out about Joella being a crack baby. There's probably a big write-up about it on the internet. I don't know, but I think I'm ready to face it.

He hands me his phone. I take it with my free hand and read what he was reading.

I read it with my eyes, and I really feel numb. I feel like I'm about to just… collapse.

There it is, on TMZ. In big, red, bold print. It's the headlining story. I don't think I should be, but I start crying.

I'm mortified.

I can't even read past the headline. I wish to God it was what I thought it was, about Joella being a crack baby.

But it's not.

It's far… far worse.

I close my eyes.

I can't get the image of the headline out of my head.

On the back of my eyelids, I reread the words over… and over again. And each time I reread them in my head, they seem less real. But they're very real.

And I'm to blame.

The headline…

_Lead Singer of Metro Station, brother of Miley Cyrus, Trace Cyrus found dead in Northern Burbank California Home of self-inflicted gunshot wound._


	39. Home

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'd be lying if I said that I'm not upset. I'm very upset, to say the least. I've been upset since I found out about it. I don't want to think about it, though. I don't want to think about anything. I just want to focus on Joella's homecoming tomorrow. And that's the way it should be, I think.

We get back to Joe's house around 7:30. Tonight, it's easy to leave Joella in the hospital. I think it's easy, because I know that I'll be able to bring her home tomorrow. Or maybe I'm just sidetracked.

I can't cry in front of Joe, though I really want to. I can't seem too upset in front of Joe, because then I'd have to tell him about the phone call earlier this morning. And if I tell him about the call, he'll probably be angry with me for even answering.

I shouldn't have answered. If I hadn't answered, he'd probably still be alive. I really feel like I just killed someone.

I push it out of my head, though. I walk into Joe's house to deliver the good news about Joella. I have to focus on her. Not on Trace.

"Mom… Dad… GOOD NEWS!" Joe shouts as soon as we come in the house. I have to try really hard to act like my mind isn't preoccupied.

"We're in the living room, honey." Denise calls to us.

I follow Joe to the living room. I really feel like I'm going to cry.

"What's the good news?" Paul asks us when we get to the living room.

I sit down on the couch, because I feel dizzy. I've been feeling dizzy since we left the hospital.

"We get to bring Joella home tomorrow." Joe smiles so big. I'm glad he's happy. I'm happy too, but my mind is so sidetracked with something else.

"REALLY?" Denise is loud and excited.

"Yes!" Joe smiles even wider.

I rub my head. I'm glad nobody's really talking about it.

"Demi, what's the matter?" Paul asks me.

I have to lie. "…I'm just really tired. I was up real early this morning… and dealing with the baby… I'm exhausted." It's not completely a lie. It's true. I am tired.

"What time do you have to go pick up the baby tomorrow?" Denise asks.

"Noon…" I answer.

"Why don't you head upstairs, take a bath and lie down? Joe and I will go get the baby's room ready, okay? You should just go rest up."

I was kind of looking forward to setting the baby's room up for her for tomorrow, but I don't think I can do it. I need to be alone right now.

"Alright…" I take the offer and head upstairs to Joe's room.

I immediately go into the bathroom to take a shower. I turn the water on really hot and just rest myself under the spray.

I'm finally alone, so I finally let it all sink in.

Trace is dead. He killed himself. He killed himself because of me. What was he thinking?

I put my hands over my face and start sobbing.

Let me explain this.

I'm not at all happy about his death. I'm not a heartless person. And I did have some love for him, somewhere. But I'm not as saddened as I could be. I feel like he was going to die one way or another. I just feel so guilty to know that I could've stopped it. He killed himself because of me. I'm not worth it. Why would he do that because of me? I feel so guilty…

I don't want to seem like a terrible person by saying that I'm not… upset. But I'm really not. I'm more upset about the fact that he did it because of me. I literally feel like I killed him. Does this make me a murderer?

I stop crying so much and pull myself together. "Okay… calm down. Focus on Joella…" I tell myself.

I wash my body up really good and try to think about Joella. I get to bring her home… I'm so excited.

I get out of the shower and go into Joe's room. I'm really tired.

I pull on a t-shirt and a pair of underwear and collapse in his bed.

I'm surprised at how easy it is for me to fall asleep.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

My mom has me washing EVERYTHING. I didn't even know that you could scrub walls with Chlorox and warm water. I thought that I'd just have to vacuum the carpet, spray some air-freshener and that'd be it. Boy was I mistaken.

"When you're done with the walls Joe, I want you to go throw the blankets on her crib in the washer." My mom instructs. She's on her hands and knees, wiping the baseboards. I think she's nuts.

"Okay… do we have some Tide downstairs?"

"No, No, NO. No, Joe."

"Then how am I supposed to wash the blankets with no detergent?"

"You better NOT wash that baby's blankets in Tide! There's a bottle of Dreft downstairs. Wash the blankets in that. And don't put any fabric softener in the dryer."

"…Okay?"

"You wash that baby's stuff in Tide and she'll be breaking out all over. You need to use soft detergent."

"Oh…" I get it now. Joella's skin is too sensitive for Tide.

"I wish you and Demi would've found out about bringing her home earlier. The family's been dying to see her. I think I'm still gonna invite your grandparents over tomorrow, though. For a little homecoming dinner. Me and Demi's mom talked earlier about having an official homecoming shower sometime next weekend."

"Sounds good to me." I nod. I strip the sheets off Joella's crib and put them in a basket. I can't believe we're finally gonna get to bring her home.

"Just go throw her stuff in the washer. I'll finish up. You should go lie down too. You and Demi have a long day tomorrow." My mom pats my ass like she used to when I was young.

I carry the basket of sheets downstairs to the laundry room and throw them in. I put the water on warm and pour in a little bit of the good detergent. It's so surreal that tomorrow, me and Demi will be full parents to a little baby girl.

I go back upstairs to my room. Demi's asleep in my bed.

I hurry up and take a quick shower.

I know that Demi's a little bit upset over Trace. I wouldn't expect her not to be. But I really hope she's not too upset. She needs to focus on Joella right now. I really hope she's okay, though. Because I know what Demi does whenever she gets too upset.

I get out the shower, throw on my pajamas and crawl into bed next to Demi. She doesn't budge.

"….Goodnight, gorgeous." I lean over and kiss her cheek. She still doesn't move.

Carefully, I pull the covers back off her and look at her arms. Her wrists are clean, which are a good sign. The only sign of trauma is the old scars. I lean down and kiss her cheek again.

"Love you." I whisper to her.

I hold her close in my arms and snuggle with her. She moves around a little bit, but falls still.

I fall asleep quickly.

We do have a big day ahead of us.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I don't know how I managed to sleep through the night, but I did. And I'm proud of myself.

I had one bad dream last night. It was about Trace. I think I miss him, but I'm not sure. Ask me again in a couple of days, maybe you'll get a different answer.

I get out of bed at 10:00 on the dot. I smell food cooking downstairs, but I'm way too nervous to eat anything.

Joe's already awake too. He's downstairs, I think.

I climb out of his bed and go into his bathroom. I'm surprised at how rested I am. It's early, but I am not even tired.

I brush my teeth first and then I wash my face.

My hair is really straight, so I think I'll just leave it. I want to look nice today. There's probably going to be a lot of pictures.

I put some eyeliner on underneath my lids and some mascara too. I don't really like to wear a lot of makeup, so I don't.

I go back to Joe's room and rummage through the drawers he gave me for something nice to wear.

I put on a pair of ripped capris and a really nice yellow polo shirt. I'm casual, but it's nicer than the usual sweatpants and t-shirt that I've been wearing. I slide on black flip flops and let my long hair down. I think I look decent.

I don't know what I want Lala to come home in. Whatever it is, I want her to look cute. She's a month old now and all she's been wearing is crappy little onesies and diapers. I think I want her to look prettier for paparazzi pictures today.

I go to her room and look in her wardrobe. All these frilly pink and purple easter dresses are a little too much. I want her to wear something simple, but cute.

I open up one of her drawers. I search through her onesies. I find the perfect one.

It's pink with cheetah print on it. On the butt, there's a kitten and on the front there's another kitten. On the footie part, there are two more kitten faces. It's really cute. I even grab her a pink bow.

I walk downstairs to where Joe and Denise have to be. They're both in the living room.

"Morning, Demi. There's pancakes in the kitchen if you're hungry."

"No thank you…" In the corner of the living room, the car seat that Joe bought her is ready to go. Draped over the car seat is a pink blanket with purple trim. Next to the car seat, there's a pink zebra print diaper bag all packed up.

"Everything is packed for her. It's all ready." Denise says.

I'm nearly jumping out of my skin. I pick up her diaper bag and sling it over my shoulder.

"Come on, Joe. I wanna get a head start…"

"It's only 10:45, babe…"

"I know… but let's… let's just go."

"Uh… okay." He gets up from the couch and grabs the car seat for me. "We'll be back mom… and we'll be one person heavier."

"I'll see you guys. Bring my grandbaby home safely."

"We will." I assure her.

Me and Joe leave out of the house and head off to the hospital. We can't get there soon enough for me.

I pull out my phone. I think it seems appropriate to tweet about this.

I tweet: Going to get my baby and finally bring her home! :)

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

Today's drive to the hospital seems like it takes longer than any other day.

I pull into the parking lot of the hospital. Today, Demi and I do everything slowly. We're trying to savor these memories, because this is the last time we'll be doing any of this.

We take the elevator up to the seventh floor, for the last time.

We walk over to the secretary of the NICU floor.

"Who are you here for?" She asks us.

"Joella Jonas, Ma'am." I say.

Secretary pushes a button. "Go on back."

I walk behind Demi through the double doors to the scrubbing room.

I wash my hands using the automatic everything. Demi washes hers too, for the last time.

When we're done scrubbing, we walk into the scan room. We both scan our bracelets, for the last time.

We go through the other set of double doors and walk back to Joella's cubicle, for the last time.

Her cubicle is different this time. It's very bare, and her incubator isn't there. But the decorations from her incubator, including the purple sheet they used to drape over her incubator are in a plastic bag, sitting on a table. The chair that Demi used to breastfeed in isn't there anymore.

"You guys are here early. A little anxious for the big day?" Nancy smiles at us. She's cleaning off the wires with disinfectant spray.

"A lot anxious… where is she?" Demi answers her.

"She's back with Dr. Grace. Running through her last minute tests and having a nice bath."

"….So we get to keep those?" I ask, motioning to the bag full of her old decorations.

"Yes you do."

"….This is really the last time we'll be here…" Demi sighs softly.

"Don't be sad… this is a happy thing. And you can always bring miss Joella back to visit us here. But this probably isn't the last time you'll see me. I'll still be doing Joella's check up appointments. Me and Dr. Grace both will." Nancy says, really chipper.

The double doors to the right of us open, and Dr. Grace wheels her in on a small tray.

"There she is!" Demi exclaims.

smiles really big. "Joella's excited to go home too. She's been passing all her tests all morning with flying colors. She was really good during her bath too."

"Has she? …. What time can we take her?" I ask.

Demi picks her up and holds her. Joella is bare-butt naked with nothing but a towel wrapped around her.

I take her foot in my hand and stroke it.

"Ehhhh…" Joella moans.

"You can take her home as soon as we're finished explaining her care processes." Nancy says.

"Okay, we're listening." Demi's patting her butt and staring at her.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

"Joella is fully healthy now. She will be fine at home. But you guys need to know how to take care of her. It's basically the same thing you've been doing here. We have her on a schedule that you can keep her on. We have her schedule on these papers that are in the bag of her things. She eats once every two hours and sleeps pretty well through the night. She doesn't like to be woken up for feedings, but you must feed her every two hours. You no longer have to sponge bathe her. You can give her a regular bath, but do not submerge her in water. I want to see her back here in two weeks so that she can have her second round of shots and so that I can check up on her. Everything you need to know about her is in the booklet we enclosed with her belongings. I'm not sending her home on oxygen, but if you notice any hiccups in her breathing, please bring her back immediately so that I can teach you how to use oxygen treatments. I don't believe that she'll need it, though." Nancy explains an earful.

I can't stop staring at Joella. She's so fucking gorgeous, how did I make her? She looks like a totally different baby than what she was when she was tiny and fragile. She's still really tiny, but she's a lot more durable now.

Her skin is a silky cream color and her cheeks are really rosy. Her eyes are really big and they're not really brown anymore. They're kind of grey, but if you look hard enough, you can still see some brown in them. Her hair has thickened and it's darker now. She's so pretty.

"I think I covered everything… if you have an outfit, you can dress her up and pack her in her car seat. We have a couple papers for you guys to sign before we let her go."

Joe leans down and grabs her diaper bag. He grabs a fresh diaper and her outfit that I packed.

I don't want to put her down, but I lie her down on the table so that we can dress her.

Joe puts her diaper on, and she doesn't make a peep besides an "ehhh" here and there.

I slip the cute little onesie on her. She's really tiny and it's still pretty big on her, so I roll up the sleeves on it a little bit. "You look so cute pumpkin."

Joe puts a pacifier to her lips and Joella opens her mouth and starts sucking on it. The pacifier matches her outfit.

Very carefully, I lift her up and put her down into the car seat. She looks so tiny in the car seat. I rest her head on the headrest and strap her in. Joe tucks a blanket across her snugly. Joella closes her eyes. I decide to not put the bow on her head. She's about to fall asleep anyway. But she WILL have a bow on next time I dress her up.

"…She looks fake." Joe comments. He's staring at her in the car seat.

She does look fake. "Like a baby doll." I whisper and kiss her chubby cheek.

"She's got some big old eyes…Like her mother." Joe chuckles.

"Shut up. Just cause she inherited all my looks and not yours." I roll my eyes at him.

"I just need you guys to sign these two papers." Dr. Grace hands me and Joe papers and pens.

I sign once and then twice.

"You guys are ready to go. It's been a pleasure to take care of Joella. It really has…"

"…Thank you. So much… for taking care of my baby." I hug both Dr. Grace and Nancy. I really can't thank them enough for getting my baby off cocaine and making sure that I could take her home healthy. I canNOT thank them enough.

Joe gives them subtle hugs too.

"Please don't forget to bring her back to visit. I'd like to see her grow and become more pretty." Dr. Grace is all smiley.

"We will. I promise we'll come visit." I really mean that. There's no way that I couldn't bring her back.

Nancy squats down to the car seat and so does Dr. Grace.

"Bye, Joella. Bye… we'll miss you. Enjoy your mommy and daddy." Nancy says. She kisses Joella's new hand.

"Make sure you cry really loud for them." Dr. Grace jokes and kisses her hand too.

Joella just lets them touch her without a peep. She's busy sucking hard on her pacifier.

I lift up the car seat.

"Should we put this blanket over her?" Joe asks.

"….No. It's sunny. And… I want them to take pictures of her. She's too pretty for them not to." I say. I'm actually… alright with paparazzi taking pictures of my baby. And I never thought I would be.

"Alright…" Joe carries the blanket, the diaper bag and the bag full of Joella's things.

"Bye Dr. Grace… bye Nancy. Thank you guys…. So much." I say again.

They both wave at us and me and Joe leave off the NICU for the last time.

It feels weird to have Joella in my hand, in this car seat.

But it feels good too.

Me and Joe walk out of the hospital, and immediately we're met with clicks of cameras and shouting.

"DEMI! DEMI! JOE! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO TAKE HER HOME?!" About a thousand people scream at us.

I don't say anything rude. Instead, I just smile.

I have my baby with me. And I'm finally going to get to take care of her properly.

I don't care about anything else in this world.

I have my family.

And that's more than what…

More than what Trace could have ever given me.

I'm excited to show Joella off….

I just wish my mom and dad were going to be there for her homecoming, too.

* * *

Hey guys, it's me, flawlesspeasant. As I told you before, every so often, I will keep you updated with a picture that I think fits how I want Joella to look like. I think her homecoming is definitely a chapter where you all deserve to know what she looks like. So if you're wondering, I have another picture of her for you guys! Again, links won't work, so you'll have to head to my bio on here to copy the link to the picture and post it in your browser bar. Let me know in your review if you think she's adorable? lol. The picture will be labeled as "Joella's homecoming" in my biography.

Thanks for reading!


	40. Introductions

**Demi's Point of View.**

Joe drives very, very carefully back to his house. He doesn't hit a single speed bump.

Incidentally, I sit in the backseat with Joella. I want to be looking at the road, to see how close we are to getting home, but I can't stop looking at Joella. She's resting very peacefully in her little car seat. I don't want to wake her, but I want her to be awake when we get back home.

"It's gonna take us three hours to get home." I joke around with Joe.

"I don't care. I'm not going past twenty." He shakes his head.

I laugh softly. "I guess it's better safe than sorry." I stroke Joella's hand. She sighs softly and continues to suck on her pacifier.

"What time do you think we'll go to sleep tonight?" Joe asks. He turns the corner to go into his driveway.

"…I don't think I'm going to go to sleep tonight. I'll be too busy staring at her." I keep gazing at her and kissing her hand. She's so pretty.

Joe parks the car and turns it off. Carefully, I open the door and get out of the car. I unhook the hinges of the car seat and gently lift her out. Joe parked in the back driveway, so there's no paparazzi taking pictures of us or anything.

"Very carefully… Easy…" Joe "spots" the car seat so that I don't drop it. I'm not gonna drop it. I'm holding onto it with my life.

Joe opens the door to the house and holds it open for me. We come in through the back door, into the kitchen. It's nice and quiet in the house for Joella. I don't think she'd appreciate loud noises when the NICU was so very quiet.

"We're home…" Joe says in a loud, but still decently quiet voice.

I keep Joella in her car seat and walk through the kitchen, following Joe.

We both walk into the living room, and suddenly, a feeling races through my chest when I see the scene.

I can't describe this feeling, because I don't know exactly what it is. I've only felt it one other time in my life before, and that was back when Joe first told me that he loved me.

I feel… warm on the inside. Like everything is possibly going to be alright again. And thought I should probably be upset by what I see, I'm not. I feel like this is how it should be.

There, in Joe's living room is a banner across the top of the fireplace. The banner is white, and it says "Welcome Home Joella" in pink letters. On the coffee table, there's four baskets. One basket has a white teddy bear with a pink blanket and a bunch of new bottles and some pacifiers. In the basket next to it is a brown teddy bear with a yellow blanket and a bunch of onesies and hats in it. In the next basket, there's a blue tub with a big yellow rubber duck. Everything I need to give her a bath is in there. And in the final basket, there's a stuffed Minnie Mouse, with a Minnie Mouse blanket and a new Minnie Mouse headrest for her car seat.

Aside from the baskets, there's also another table next to the coffee table with drinks, food and a really large sheet cake in the middle. On the sheet cake, there's a bottle and a teddy bear and it says "Welcome Home Joella."

The most important thing to me isn't the food, the presents or the decorations. The most important thing to me is the people that are here.

On one couch, there's Nick, Kevin, Danielle and Frankie sitting next to Paul. Denise is standing beside the coffee table of presents, and Joe's grandparents are sitting on the loveseat.

On the other couch, Madison is sitting next to Dallas, and my mom and dad are on either side of them. I don't have grandparents that are there, but I don't really care.

I can't help but shed a little tear.

Joe stands behind me and gives me a slight embrace.

"There's the lady of the hour… let's see her!" Denise exclaims.

I'm still crying a little bit. I can't really stop. I'm amazed at how everyone is here for my baby. It just means a lot to me.

Joe bends down to the car seat and unstraps Joella from it. He puts her blankets over the arm of the chair and carefully lifts Joella out of the seat. Everyone is trying hard to be quiet for her, but there are lots of giggles and happy things coming from everyone's mouths.

I watch as my mom stands up to get a better look at her.

"She's so cute!" Danielle exclaims and I smile.

"Thanks…" I sniff and wipe my tears. I look down at the ground.

Joe takes Joella over to his family first. They all dote upon her.

"…Are you scared to take care of her on your own?"

I didn't even notice that my mom walked over and stood by me. Her voice startles me.

"…O…Of course I am…" I answer her.

She puts her hand around my lower back and rubs. "You'll be just fine, baby. I know you will."

"…I hope. I don't know what to do with a baby…"

"Denise will help you out. She's had four…. And when you're ready to come back home… I'll help you. I had three…"

"When I'm ready to come home?"

She reaches in her pocket and hands me my old house key. "Yeah… whenever you're ready…"

"….You guys don't hate me anymore?"

"Demi… we never hated you. Me and your dad cried for hours after we kicked you out. But you have to understand why we did what we did. Madison is still a baby. We couldn't have that around her… would you like that around Joella?"

"No…"

My mom tangles her fingers in my hair. "And if you still don't want me around Joella, I'll respect your wishes. She's your daughter, you call the shots with her. But I will say this; she needs her grammy."

I smile and chuckle a little. "Hold on…."

I'm really glad that my mom and I are on better terms. And I'm really glad that I'm able to come back home if I want to. I don't think I'm going to leave. I think I'm going to stay here, but still. It's nice to know that I'm welcomed again.

I walk over to Joe and his family. "Sorry to interrupt, but my mom wants to see her…"

"That's okay. Just bring her back… we aren't done giving her kisses." Joe's grandma is so lovable. Her voice is so cute.

Denise softly hands me Joella.

"Hi pumpkin… hi. We're gonna go see grammy… okay?" I kiss her cheek and pat her butt.

Joella kicks her feet and moans in my arms.

I take her over to my mom. "Mom… I'd like to formally introduce you to Joella. Mom, this is Joella. Joella, this is grammy."

My mom preps her arms for her and I carefully put my baby in them.

"Hello… Hello, munchkin. You look just like your mommy when she was a baby." My mom kisses her nose. Joella shakes her head.

I can't help but smile. My mom's holding my baby, with my permission, I might add. I feel so… right. Like… this is how it's supposed to be.

"This onesie is really big on her, Demi. Do you need clothes that fit her?" She rolls up the sleeves on Joella's onesie some more.

"Everything's too small for her. She's just tiny."

My mom brings Joella over to the rest of my family. Maddie doesn't seem happy. Not at all.

I sit down on the couch next to her as my mom passes Joella to my dad. Dallas is patiently waiting for her turn to hold her.

"…What's up, kid?" I ask Maddie.

She shrugs.

"…You still mad at me?"

She shrugs again.

"Talk to me, Maddie. You used to talk to me all the time."

"…I'm the baby." She says smartly.

"…No, you're aunt Maddie now." I stroke her hair.

Maddie sighs. "I can't be the baby anymore…"

"Who wants to be a baby? Babies can't do anything. Babies suck. Seven year olds are awesome." I ruffle her hair.

She smiles. "Maybe… but can we still play barbies?"

"Yes. The next time I come over the house, I promise I'll play barbies with you."

"Pinky promise?" She holds her pinky out.

I hook my pinky around hers. "Pinky promise."

"Demi. Come here, babe…" Joe calls me from across the room.

"I'll be back, Maddie." I tell her and I get up from the couch.

I follow Joe into the kitchen.

"What do you want, babe?"

"We gotta talk." He sits down at the table.

"About what?"

"I got an email… from the CEO of people magazine." He sighs.

I sit down at the table next to him. "What'd it say?"

"…Basically, people wants to do a photo shoot with us and Joella next month… for three million dollars."

"THREE MILLION BUCKS? WHY?"

"They want to be the first with family pictures…"

"….I knew this was gonna happen. I knew it. Your mom warned me…"

"…Well what are we gonna do? Are we gonna do it?"

"I don't know…"

"They're giving us time to think about it." He reaches out and holds my hand. "I don't know if we should do it either. I mean… that's exploiting her."

"Yeah, but at least they said the photo shoot will be all of us… and she'll be two months old by then, so it won't be that bad…"

"…We just need to think about it, babe. It's not about the money."

"Of course not. No amount of money could make me decide what to do with our baby. If I want to do the shoot, I'd do it for free. You know?"

"Yeah…"

"Maybe we should ask your mom about it a little later." I sigh.

"Yeah, we will." He nods.

I don't know if I want to do a photoshoot with my baby. I mean… I don't know if I really want her in the spotlight. I gotta REALLY think about it. I'm already really protective over Joella.

But I have noticed that whenever I'm away from her… I'm not distracted anymore.

When I'm not around Joella, I actually think about Trace.

Remember how I told you to ask me again, and you'd get a different answer?

Yes.

I do miss him.


	41. Cry

**Demi's Point of View.**

When everyone leaves, Joe and I try to get Joella to go to sleep. Denise is busy cleaning up downstairs, so she's not helping us get her to sleep. It's just me, Joe and a fussy, whiny baby.

"Does she need a bath?" Joe asks me.

I have Joella in my arms, patting her butt softly. "They gave her a bath before we took her home, so no."

"Ehhh…. Ehhhhhhh…." Joella starts moving in my arms and whining a lot. She furrows her eyebrows and her little face gets really red.

"What's the matter with her?" Joe's being very standoffish.

"I don't know…" I keep patting her butt. "Maybe you should get up and help me figure it out?"

"…I don't know what to do with a baby…" He's sitting way at the far end of his bed.

"And I do? I'm in the same boat as you, Joe." He's really starting to irritate me.

"NEHHHHEHH… EHHH…. EHHH…. EHHH!" Joella's full out crying now.

Joe sighs and gets up. "I'm sorry, babe. I'm just nervous… I don't want to mess anything up." He plays with my ponytail.

I pat Joella's butt some more. "Shhh… Shhh…" I whisper to her. "I'm nervous too, Joe. I don't know what to do with a baby either."

"I said I'm sorry, Demi. I really am… let me… let me try." He wraps his arms around Joella's tiny little body and picks her up from my arms.

"Hey baby girl… What are you crying for? Hmm? You cryin' just to make mommy and daddy's lives miserable?" He talks to her with a really soft voice and bounces her in his arms.

While Joe's dealing with her fussing, I grab her diaper bag and find a bottle. I'm not sure how to make one of these, but I'll try my hardest. I know I have a little bit of my breastmilk in the fridge. I pumped a little bit yesterday when I found out that she'd be coming home. I take the bottle downstairs.

"You need something, honey?" Denise asks me as soon as I walk into the kitchen.

"Um… yeah. I kinda need to know how to make a bottle." I admit.

"I thought you've been breastfeeding her." She takes he bottle from my hand.

"I have… there's some in the little fridge that I pumped yesterday. I don't really know how to put it in a bottle." I scratch my head.

Denise examines the bottle I gave her. "This is a drop-in bottle. You need a liner." She walks to the sink and washes the bottle nipple off in hot water.

"…What's a liner?" I feel so dumb. I'm a mommy. I should know what a bottle liner is, right?

"You ever see one of those baggies that go into the bottle? That's a liner." She reaches up in the cabinet and grabs a clear plastic baggie with a hard ring around it. It kind of looks like an unrolled condom.

"Oh…" I nod.

"Grab the milk from the mini fridge, please." She stands at the sink, scrubbing the bottle nipple with her hands to make sure it's clean.

I grab my breastmilk from the mini fridge in the corner and hand it to Denise.

"Okay, Demi. Come watch." She waves me over.

I walk over to the sink.

"It's simple to make a bottle, honey. You pour the milk in the liner, okay?" She pours a little bit of my milk into the plastic baggie, the majority of it spilling into the sink. I nod.

"Then you turn the water on as hot as possible, and put the bag under it to make it warm for her to eat. And you pop the liner into the bottle… like this." She shows me how to stick the liner into the actual bottle. "Sound easy enough?"

"Mhm… thanks Denise. I appreciate it." I nod again and take the bottle back upstairs.

Joella's still fussing and moaning, but it's gotten a lot quieter since I left.

Joe's still patting her butt and kissing her cheek. "I know… I know. Mommy won't hurry up with the bubba. She won't…" He strokes her hair.

"Mommy's right here with the bubba." I say when I walk back in the room. I hand Joe the bottle and he teases the bottle nipple along her bottom lip.

"Ehhehh… ehhh…" She moans as she opens up her tiny little mouth. She starts sucking on the bottle.

"There we go…" Joe rocks her as she eats. The bottle is resting against his chest and Joella's head is snug in his bicep.

Joella sucks on her bottle really softly and eventually, she falls asleep. I guess all the crying wore her out.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I carefully take the bottle out of Joella's mouth and she spits some milk on my shirt, but I don't hold it against her. It's just a little bit of breastmilk.

"Goodnight, Princess." I walk across the hall to her bedroom. Demi follows me.

Joella's moving her head a little bit, but she doesn't wake up. I put her down into her crib very carefully and she moans softly, but stays asleep.

"…Maybe we should take a nap too." Demi sighs and leans against the crib.

"Yeah. I'm a little tired." I say back to her. I rub her on her lower back and stare into the crib at Joella too.

Demi walks out of Joella's room and I follow her back into my own room.

She takes off her jeans and her polo shirt to take a nap. I just take off my shirt and pants and lie in bed. Demi yanks on a plain white t-shirt and crawls in bed next to me.

"Are you happy that she's finally home?" Demi asks me when we settle in to sleep. She turns towards me and lays on my chest.

"I'm extremely happy." I smile and turn towards her too. I rub her back.

"…I'm happy that we can finally be a family…" She whispers to me.

I lean down and kiss her on her lips. "Me too, babe."

"….Joe? What would you do if we had never went to New York?" She asks me as soon as our lips part from each other.

"Demi… babe, I don't even know what I'd be without you...it's scary to think about what I'd be if I didn't have you…" I kiss her lips again.

As soon as they part, she says, " Why is that?"

"Because… I've never wanted someone as much as I want you, Demetria." I whisper to her.

She looks down at the covers and back up at me with her beautiful brown eyes. "…Want all of me?" Suddenly, she starts kissing my lips hungrily.

I hold her by her chin and kiss her back. "…Of course I do."

She smiles through the kiss and runs her hands down to my abs. "Take me, then…" She whispers in my ear and it turns me on so much that I can't help but get hard.

Demi seems like she wants this bad, so I let her do as she pleases. She gets on top of me, straddles me and keeps kissing me.

"…..So you want to actually be on top this time?" I rest my hands on her hips.

"Don't worry about that. I'll take care of you." She smirks and keeps kissing me.

"Mmm… I don't know about that." I keep rubbing her waist.

Demi takes her hands and puts them around the rims of my boxers. She pulls them down a little, and I lift up so that she can get them all the way down.

I pull her underwear down too. She kicks both mine and hers off the bed. I try to pull off her shirt too.

"...Leave my shirt on… my boobs look all gross." She swats my hands away.

"Mmmkay babe."

She leans down and kisses me on my neck.

I take it upon myself to put it in. I guide my shaft to her and shove it in without warning. She gasps sharply in my ear and stops kissing me immediately.

"Oh Joe…" She starts breathing heavy with my sudden movement.

I chuckle a little and rub all over her lower back, allowing her a moment to adjust to me inside of her.

Damn, she's tight. I forgot how she felt, quite honestly. It's been so long since I've actually been in her. She's so damn good that I could just bust right away. But I won't, because I still have a job to do.

She puts her hands on the side of me and lies down against my chest. She lets out a moan, so I know it feels good.

"So you wanna be on top… but you don't wanna move?" I tease her.

"Shut up…You should've warned me before you went in like that." She mutters as she lies on my chest.

I chuckle again. "You want me to warn you for this, too?" Very abruptly, I hold her by her lower back, lift her up slightly and start thrusting upwards, hard and fast. I don't hear any complaints from her, besides choppy, gaspy moans.

"Mmmmm… I hate you so much…" She says to me.

"Yeah, you hate me but you're moaning. Makes sense." I grunt and keep pumping her. My leg is starting to get a cramp in it, but she's moaning and it feels good to her, so I can't stop.

"I…d…don't h..have an..another choi…ce. But… is th…this the best you got?" She chokes out through her moans.

Well, she wants more, so more is what she's gonna get.

I grab her by her lower back and swap places with her. I put her on bottom and start putting in work.

I know that I'm doing good, because she grabs my back and pulls me closer to her, as if she wants me to be in deeper. I'm getting her so good that my bed is literally shaking. She's loving every minute of it. She's hurting my back, but I don't care.

I don't really notice that she's scratching my back so hard, because I'm focused on something else; like making sure she climaxes.

I really wish she was a screamer, though. She's so fucking sexy, the only thing that can make her sexier is if she were screaming my name.

Demi's more of a soft moaner and a heavy breather.

I think it's strange how I can be on top of her, pumping her so hard and fast, but I still think she's the most beautiful woman I've ever laid my eyes on. She can be moaning my name and breathing heavy in my ear, and I still think that it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

I don't know about anyone else, but when I have sex with Demi, it's not specifically for pleasure. I have sex with her for three main reasons.

Reason one is because it makes me feel close to her. When I'm lying on top of her or she's lying on top of me, I feel like we are as close as we can possibly be. It brings out a new kind of love for her, deep inside of me.

Reason two is because it makes her feel good. If I can do anything to make her feel the way I know she feels while we're having sex, I'll do it. I don't even care if I enjoy the sex as long as she enjoys it.

And reason three is because I love her. I would never lie down and possibly make a baby with someone that I didn't completely care about. I feel like sex is a way to show her I love her.

The fact that the sex feels amazing is just a plus, hehe.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

I really feel like I'm about to just… break down in tears and cry. And I know that's weird, considering the fact that I'm having sex right now, but I really feel that way.

Please, don't think that I don't love Joe. Because I really do love Joe. I love him to pieces. But I'm really starting to second guess myself. I'm really about to have a breakdown.

This isn't even enjoyable anymore. I'm not enjoying this. It just seems like he's on top of me, moving, and that's it. It's like I can't even feel anything below my waist right now.

I don't know why, but Joe being on top of me like this just brings me back to the time when Trace was on top of me. I don't know why I feel this way.

I'm happy that Joe can't see my face right now. I'm so happy that his face is tucked in the crook of my neck so that he can't see me. I'm about to cry.

Why do I feel like there's something I need to do?

Why do I feel so low?

Joe brings his head up from my neck and kisses my lips.

I feel like I'm about to burst so bad into tears.

I take my hand and force Joe's face to go back into the crook of my neck. I can't help it anymore. I just start to cry so hard.

All of a sudden, Joe stops moving. He just… stops. I know he's not finished either, because he didn't bust his load. And I'm not even close to orgasming.

"…What's the matter?" He braces himself up on me and stares at me.

I don't say anything. I can't say anything to him, because if I did say anything, I'd feel so bad. I don't want to talk to him. He deserves better than this.

I put my hands over my face and I really just can't stop. I'm hysterical right now, and it's embarrassing.

"Demi… babe. …Did I hurt you?" He pulls out of me real fast.

I shake my head and keep bawling. I feel so bad, I just ruined everything.

Joe rolls off me and sits in the bed. "What's the matter then?" He puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Nothing! Nothing! Nothing, Joe. Nothing…." I say. My voice is so thick and masked with tears that I sound like a six year old sobbing.

"…Babe. If… if something's bothering you… you have to tell me. So I can fix it… okay? Whatever's wrong… just tell me. Please?"

I shake my head at him and turn my back.

"…Demi, please talk to me. I'm sorry for whatever I did. But please tell me what's wrong."

I shake my head again. I can't tell him what's wrong without him completely dumping me. I love him so much; I really do. But I just… feel horrible. I feel so rotten.

"Demetria, I CARE about you. I LOVE you, so much. I don't want to see you cry. You have to tell me what's wrong…" He yanks me over to his body and gives me a real tight hug. "Please tell me what's the wrong…" He kisses me on my forehead.

"….He's dead, Joe. Because of me.. he's dead." I mumble.

"How can that possibly be your fault, Demi? Seriously?" He wipes my tears with his thumb.

"…Because he called me the day he did it. And he told me that if I didn't take him back, he'd kill himself…"

Joe is speechless. "…Demi."

"Yeah, I know. I did something horrible… I know. I'm a terrible person…" I sniff.

"Babe… that's still not your fault…"

"I could've stopped him…"

"….You miss him, don't you?"

I hang my head shamefully and nod.

"Demi, why?"

"I don't know, Joe… it's just… I don't know."

"I can't believe you miss him… babe… he ruined your life."

"…I don't know…"

I sit and think about it.

I don't think I miss Trace. I don't think that's it. I really don't think that I miss him. It's just… something inside of me is nagging, and it won't let me rest.

"…I'm sorry that you miss him though, babe." He kisses my cheek.

I calm down just a little bit. I don't miss him. I just… there's something about him.

It's really quiet between us, and Joe is still holding me closely.

"…EHHHHHHH! EHHHHHHHHHH!" She breaks the silence with her LOUD crying.

"…I'll go grab her." Joe gets up from the bed and yanks on his boxers.

I realize now what's nagging at me. I realize now that I need to do to rest and be at peace with Trace's death.

Joe runs off into the nursery to grab our baby.

I'm almost certain that she's Joe's. And I'm certain, because she looks just like him.

But… to let myself rest…

I need to get a DNA test.


	42. I Won't Tell

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm lying in bed with Joe, supposed to be taking a nap, and he's asleep. I wish I were asleep right now, but I just can't.

I have to find some way to explain this all to Joe. It won't be easy.

How do you tell somebody that you want to make sure their daughter is actually theirs?

There's honestly not a shadow of doubt in my mind that Joella is Joe's. She looks exactly like him. She has his nose, his mouth and his eyebrows. The only thing that's really bothering me is Joella's eyes. They're grey. Neither me nor Joe don't have grey eyes. When I think about it, my mom has grey eyes, so maybe she got them from my mom's side of the family.

But Trace doesn't have grey eyes either. The only other man that I know of that has grey eyes is Trace's friend Ryan.

I never had sex with Ryan, though…. At least I don't think I did… I really hope I didn't black out or anything. I really don't think I had sex with Ryan.

How do I explain this to Joe, though?

What if he doesn't even agree to have a DNA test? I can't expect him to just take it with a grain of salt. I'm just worried about how he'll react. I'm so scared.

Why can't anything just go smoothly? It was all going so well. I got on better terms with my mother. I brought my baby home. Me and Joe are so in love with each other. Why can't I just forget all about Trace?

I put my hands over my face and dig my palms deep into my eyes. I'm so fucking irritated with myself. I'm such an asshole. I just… I don't know.

I get out of bed, careful not to wake up Joe. I grab my phone off the end table and walk over to my dresser. I dial the number on my keypad of my phone and hold it to my ear.

I pull on some sweatpants as the phone rings.

"Hello?" She answers the phone.

"Dallas… we need to talk."

"Mmmmkay. What do you want to talk about?" She sounds like she's busy.

"What are you doing?" I ask her.

"I'm shaving my legs at the moment. Why?"

"…I'll be over in like… twenty minutes to pick you up."

"Where are we gonna go?"

"Just to Starbucks… I really need to talk to you."

"Okay. Just beep."

"I will…" I sigh and hang up the phone.

I tie the strings on my sweatpants tightly and pull on an old ACDC t-shirt. I slide on my flip flops and let my hair down. I love talking to my sister about these things. Dallas always knows what to say.

I walk over to Joe quietly. He's still asleep. I love him so much.

"I'll be right back, baby." I whisper to him, even though he can't hear me. I lean down and kiss his cheek.

I turn and leave his room and go across the hall to Joella's room.

I walk over to her crib. She's asleep peacefully and she's moaning in her sleep.

"Wake up pumpkin… wake up…." I say softly as I tap on her belly. She's so cute.

She moves her head sharply and whimpers. "hehhhhh…."

"I'm sorry, gorgeous. I'm sorry…" I lift her up softly from her crib and she furrows her eyebrows and whines a little more.

I put her down on the changing table and unstrap both her onesie and her diaper. "You peed… how come you didn't let mommy or daddy know that you peed?" I hold her legs and wipe her bottom. The whole time, she's whining and crying and moaning.

I strap a new diaper on her tightly and buckle her back up in her onesie. "All done honey. All done." I pick her back up and take her over to the corner and put her into her car seat. She whines softly again. "Please don't cry…"

I tuck a blanket over her and pop a pacifier in her mouth. When I get the pacifier in her mouth, she shuts up. I grip her car seat handle in my hand and take her downstairs. I grab the keys to Joe's car and head out the door. I put Joella in the backseat in her car seat and get into the driver's seat.

I drive over to my house and beep the horn twice.

I know that Dallas will know what to do. And I trust Dallas's advice with my life.

In a few moments, Dallas runs out to the car and hops in the front seat with me. "You brought my Lala!"

I smile a little. "Yeah. I thought you'd like to see her because you didn't get to see her that much earlier." I start driving towards Starbucks.

"Yeah… So what'd you want to talk about?"

"It's real important…. We can talk about it when we get there. But… it's real important."

"Can you give me a hint?"

"….It's about Joella."

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine. She's okay. It's just… about her."

"Oh god, Demi."

I laugh a little and park in the parking lot of Starbucks. Dallas steps out and I go in the back and grab Joella.

"You want a table outside or inside?" Dallas asks me.

"Outside, because they probably have the air on in there and I don't want her to get too cold."

"Alright. So I'll go in and grab our drinks. You get the table. What do you want?"

"…Caramel apple spice." I say and I sit down at a glass table with two chairs. I put Joella down on the ground next to me and put her car seat strap down. She's sucking on her pacifier with her gorgeous little grey eyes wide open.

"You lookin at mommy?" I lean down and pinch her little cheek. She is definitely Joe's baby. Definitely. She looks exactly like him, it's so scary.

Dallas comes back outside through the doors carrying two cups and a plate of donuts. She sits down across from me.

"So what's up?" She puts the plate of donuts in the center of the table and passes me my drink.

I take a sip of my drink. "Are you ready for this?"

"Ready as ready can be." She bites into a donut.

"…I need a DNA test."

"DEMI!"

"Dallas…"

"WHY?"

"…Long story." I sigh.

"She's not Joe's?"

"No… she is. She's Joe's baby. I just… need to be sure."

"…Who else's could she be?"

"…Give you one guess."

"….He's dead, Demi. What in the hell?"

"The day he… yeah. Well… he called me… and was like 'If you don't take me back I'll kill myself, Demi.'"

"Oh my god…"

I'm starting to cry. I swat my tears away. "Yeah. And I didn't think he'd actually do it. But he did. And so… when he called me, he asked me if Joella was his. And I told him no… but lately, it's been scaring me to think maybe she is…"

"…But I thought you stopped fucking him a year ago?"

"I did… but."

"If you did, then there's no way she's his."

"I'm not done explaining…" I sniff.

"Go on…"

"Like… a week or so before me and Joe had sex… I went over Trace's house to like… end it with him. And he raped me…"

"OH MY GOD."

"shhh! Dallas… I know. I know."

"…I'm sorry… I just…" She shakes her head. "So… what happens then? You get the test… and then what?"

"…I don't know. But I need a way to ask Joe to take one…"

"EHHHHHHEHHH! EHHHEHHHEHEHEHHH! NEHHHH!" Joella starts screaming bloody murder.

Dallas leans down and grabs her out of her car seat and pats her butt. She stops screaming. She just wanted to be held. "You can just tell him how you feel. If you want to marry Joe someday, you have to be able to… talk to him. I don't think he'd be mad…"

I sniff and put my hands over my face. "Yeah, but he'll be so upset if she's not…"

Dallas pats Joella's butt and bounces her in her arms. "…Do you even know if he came or not?"

"Huh?" I sniff again.

"Trace. Did he come? When he raped you?"

"I don't know…" I sniff.

"Don't cry about it, Dems. It's really not that serious. You just have to tell Joe how you feel. And if she's not Joe's, then it really won't make a difference. It really won't. Joe can't hold it against you. You were raped by him… that's not your fault."

"But I can't hurt Joe, Dallas. I can't hurt him." I sniff and cry some more.

"Demi… Seriously. Listen to me. If Joe loves you like I know he loves you, he'll take a DNA test and it won't matter to him. Seriously." She holds Joella's pacifier in her mouth.

"…I just don't wanna hurt him. I've already caused enough trouble between people…"

"Demetria. If this is what you think you need, then do it. You do need to give yourself some stability. Joella needs you and she needs Joe too."

"I know…" I wipe my face hard.

"When you go home, I want you to tell Joe about it. And after you tell Joe… call me. Okay?"

"Okay…"

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

I never get mad when Demi takes my car and leaves. It just doesn't bother me. But this time, she left and took Joella with her which kind of makes me sad. I'm still not angry with her, I'm just sad.

I guess I should do some cleaning up before Demi gets home.

I get out of my bed and take the sheets off and throw them in the hamper. I put clean sheets on my bed. I run the vacuum on my carpet and clean up my dressers.

I even spray some air freshener in the air. My room really has gotten a bit cluttery since Demi moved in, but I really don't mind.

"Joe!" I hear someone calling my name from downstairs. I think it's Demi. Demi's home.

"Yeah babe?!" I call her back.

Something about this woman just… has me. She has me wrapped so far around her finger… her and Joella both. I get this indescribable feeling whenever Demi's around me. It's like I'm floating, but not even gravity is holding me down. I don't understand how she makes me feel this way, but she does.

"I have to talk to you!" I hear her running up the steps.

I go outside to meet her in the hallway. She rounds the corner and runs directly into me. "Woah!" I catch her so that she doesn't go flying backwards.

She smiles at me, but I can tell that the smile isn't genuine. "Hey babe…"

"Hey beautiful. I missed you… what's the matter?" I stroke her cheek to see her smile.

She smiles a little more. "…I just have something I have to talk to you about."

"Talk to me then…" I hold her hand and bring her into my freshly cleaned room.

She sits down on the bed. "Please don't be angry with me or anything…"

"Okay babe…"

"…I… I kind of… I kind of want… you to take a DNA test." She looks down at the floor.

I won't lie. I'm a little… confused? Why does she want a DNA test? Joella IS mine… isn't she?

I try to calm down and not cry, because I feel the tears coming.

"…Why's that, babe?"

"…Because I want to make sure that she's yours… and not Trace's…" She still doesn't look at me.

I feel the tears coming again, but I keep fighting them. "Okay… what makes you think she's his?"

"…He called me the day he died and asked me if she was his…"

I really don't want to blow up on her, but she's making me ANGRY. "AND YOU ACTUALLY THINK SHE'S HIS?!"

"No… Joe… please don't yell. It's not that…. I swear." She seems like she's going to cry.

"THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT TO TEST ME FOR?"

"Because… because… I wanna be sure…"

I really need to calm myself down, because if I don't, I'm going to hurt her again. I'm starting to feel the same way I felt that day in the hospital when I hurt her. I don't wanna hurt her.

I'm talking through clenched teeth, that's how angry I am with her. "Why do you HAVE to be sure, Demi? I thought you stopped FUCKING him when you met up with me."

She stands up off the bed and walks over to me. "No… it's just that… remember when…" She tries to explain.

"SO YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH HIM?!" When I get angry, I don't care about anything. I'm seething with anger. "Get away from me, Demi."

"No, Joe… I didn't che…" She steps to me again and I've HAD it.

I can't believe she cheated on me with him. I know I've cheated on her, but at least I owned up to it. And it really wasn't full out cheating. She's telling me that she fucked Trace around the same time she fucked me and now my daughter might not even be my daughter? What kind of shit is that?

I interrupt her. "YOU HAD TO HAVE CHEATED ON ME, DEMI. BECAUSE I FUCKED YOU AND THEN YOU FUCKED HIM. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON YOU COULD NEED ME TO GET A DNA TEST!"

"Joe, listen to me I swear I didn't…"

"Just shut up!" I scream at her and I put both my hands on her shoulders and shove her. I push her HARD and she slams into my wall so hard that one of my pictures falls off the wall. Demi doesn't get up. She crumples on the floor in pain. And I feel like shit….

I really have to stop hurting her.

"I didn't cheat I swear I didn't cheat on you I just want to be sure because I need to know for sure and I swear I just didn't cheat it was the time he raped me..." She shakes her head and talks so fast that her sentences run on because she's so hysterical. Demi sits on the floor, sobbing so much and holding her back. I feel so bad…. I forgot… I forgot that he raped her. I knew that… how could I be so stupid…

"Babe…" I feel like I'm gonna cry. I sit down next to her. I don't want to touch her in case I hurt her more. "…I'm so sorry…"

"I didn't cheat… I didn't cheat…. I would never cheat…" She keeps shaking her head.

"I… I know. I'm so sorry… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry babe." I touch her hair softly. "I'll take the test… I'll take it. I'm so sorry baby girl. I didn't… I just… I'm sorry. I was just so upset. I forgot about that…"

"….Ow…" She whispers a little bit as she tries to move. I really hurt her.

"Don't move… don't move. Let me…" I put my hands around her and lift her.

"Owww… Ow…" She's in a LOT of pain.

"I'm sorry baby girl…Just… lay here. Don't move…" I go behind her and lift up her shirt to see what's the damage.

Her back is so red and it's already got a big purple bruise going across her bra-line. I think I broke something.

"…Babe… I… I want to take you to see a doctor." I'm full out crying. I can't believe I did this. I can't believe I did it again.

"I just wanna take a nap…" She sniffs.

"It's bed time, babe… it's almost 8:30…"

"I wanna go to bed…" She's whining so much. I know I really hurt her.

"Demi… you're hurt… let me take you to see someone…"

"I just wanna go to sleep." She whimpers.

"Okay…" I wipe my own tears and carefully pull her shirt back down. I even tuck her in. If her dad knew that I did this, I wouldn't have her. If my parents knew that I did this, they'd probably make me stay away from her too. "…Please don't tell…" I whisper and kiss her cheek.

"…I won't tell…" She promises me.

And I thank god. I really have to stop hurting her.

I really don't want this to become a pattern.


	43. Resulting

**Demi's Point of View**

All I really want to do is sleep, but I can't. I just can't fall asleep. A lot of things are running through my mind and I'm hungry. When your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it's really hard to fall asleep.

I look over at the clock on Joe's dresser. It's 11:44 at night. Joe's lying next to me, asleep. I'm glad one of us can get some rest.

I think I'll go take a shower to try and relax myself. And maybe I can try to find a sleeping pill or two. I feel like I haven't slept in days.

I slowly get out of Joe's bed. Man, I'm really sore. I don't know if I want to stay here anymore. I think I'm going to take Joella and go back home. I don't wanna be here anymore.

I walk to Joe's bathroom and turn the water on so hot that the steam fogs the mirror up. I take off my shorts first. After my shorts, I take off my underwear. After my underwear, I take off my t-shirt. And finally, I reach back and unstrap my bra. My bra is sticking to my skin and it hurts really bad to peel it off.

When I finally get my bra off and throw it in the pile with my other clothes, I notice that my bra has red spots around the back-strap. I turn around so that my back is facing the mirror and I turn my head so that I can see. My back must have been bleeding, because there's a line of dried blood around the middle of my back. And my back is a scary shade of purple. It looks really…really bad. I probably broke something.

I sigh, and even that hurts.

I step into the shower and the water burns, but on my battered back, it feels really good. I hang my head and I find that the back of my neck hurts.

I don't need to wash myself up, because I already took a shower today. I'm just in the shower because I need to relax.

I think we're supposed to go get the DNA test done tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous.

Okay, I won't ignore the elephant in the room.

No. I'm not mad at Joe for…hitting me again. I…don't know if I deserved it. I mean, maybe I did. But I really wish he would've just listened before he escalated so quickly. I'm not mad at him, though. I still love him. Maybe that's my problem… I think I give love to people that don't deserve my love.

I shut off the water and step out. It hurts too bad to wrap a towel around my back, so I just hold it to my front. I walk down the hall in my towel to Denise and Paul's room. Denise is still awake, watching a movie on TV. I hold my towel shut and knock on the door.

I hear shuffling behind the door, and Denise opens it. "Demi… what do you need, honey?"

"…Do… you have any… sleeping pills? Or something…" I mumble.

"I have some Nyquil. What's the matter?"

"I just… can't sleep." I look down.

"Are you sure?" She puts her hand on my forehead.

"I'm fine. I'm just having a little trouble falling asleep."

"Okay… Get some clothes on and come downstairs. I'll give you something to sleep."

"Thank you…" I turn around and go back into Joe's room. He's still asleep.

I put on some underwear, a tank top and some shorts. I walk downstairs to the kitchen.

Denise is at the stove, making tea. She has two cups sitting beside her. "Joe told me you two had a fight earlier…are you okay?"

"Mhm… I'm okay…" I lie. I sit in a kitchen chair and wait for my tea. I get so sick of lying to everyone.

"He told me all about the DNA thing… I'm all for it. If you think that'll bring you some peace, you should do it. But I can tell you that Joella is a Jonas. I can see it. She's one of us."

"I have a feeling that you're right… I just don't want to run the risk… you know?"

"Yeah. Joe seemed pretty upset by it. I heard him yelling at you. Did he finally shut up when you fully explained to him?" She hands me a cup of tea.

I put some sugar into it and stir. "Yeah… He was just… being dumb."

She walks behind me and grabs a bottle of Nyquil from the cupboard. "Yeah, I got on him for yelling at you like that. It was uncalled fo…" She stops mid-sentence and gasps. "Honey, what happened to your back?"

I jump immediately and begin to stutter. I forgot I was wearing a tank top that reveals a small part of my back. "Uh..uh… I just…. Um…"

"It looks…painful." She touches it real softly.

"Um… well…" I'm a really good liar. I whip something up real quick in my head. "Me and Joe….made up. And… that's what happened."

"What do you mean? JOE DID THIS?" She steps back and her face is really red, angry.

"No! No… I mean… yes. But not… on purpose." I tell a little bit of the truth, and it makes me feel a little bit better about myself. But I have to recover with a lie. "I mean…. We had a big fight… like you heard. But after the fight… we had… makeup sex… and I was kind of… leaning on the… dresser. And it hurt my back. But I'm okay."

Denise shakes her head. "I won't even ask anything else."

I chuckle a little to sound like I'm laughing, but in truth, I'm just glad she bought it.

I know it's wrong to lie, but I promised Joe that I wouldn't tell. A promise is a promise.

"I don't think you and Joseph should be fighting so much anymore, now that you have that baby around."

I down a couple ounces of Nyquil. "Yeah, we agreed that we'll try not to fight. Plus, I'm thinking about just going back home. My mom gave me the house key back and I was thinking I should go on back home."

"…You know that I'm not rushing you into anything… right, Demi?"

"I know… I just think it's best for me to head home. I've been here long enough."

"We loved having you stay here, Demi. And promise me you'll bring my grandbaby around still."

"Of course I'll bring her over." I smile.

"So tomorrow… you and Joe are gonna go get this test, right?"

"Mhm."

"Well after you go take care of that, Paul was thinking about taking you over to the studio to sign a new contract. Did he tell you to start working on something you'd like to release as a single?"

"Yeah… he told me. I don't have any ideas yet. I've been working on one song, though. But yeah. I'm starting to feel bad that you guys pay for everything, so I need to start back to work." I stand up.

"You know that we don't mind, Demetria." She cleans up my tea for me.

"…Thanks for the tea, Denise. Goodnight…" I sigh and it hurts again.

I walk back upstairs and lie down next to Joe. He's still asleep.

I close my eyes. I finally go to sleep.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

Today's the big day. The day that I honestly never thought I'd have to see. It's a little scary to me how we're already in the car, driving off to the lab. I'm awfully glad that we don't have paparazzi around. This is the last thing I need. I want to do this in peace.

"Are you nervous?" I ask Demi. She hasn't been speaking to me much since yesterday. She insists that nothing's wrong and she's not angry with me, but I don't think so. I'd be angry with me.

"A little bit." She mutters.

"...Well it's not gonna matter to me, babe." I pull into the parking lot of the lab and Demi follows close behind me with Joella's car seat in tow.

I hold the door open for her and we both walk into the lab.

"Hello… do you have an appointment?" An old woman asks us. I'm glad she's old, because that's less probability of her knowing that I'm a Jonas brother and Demi's Demi Lovato.

"Yes we do. Under Joella Jonas." Demi answers.

The old woman clicks a bunch of times on a computer. "Okay, come back here." She stands up.

Me and Demi follow her back to a small room with couches.

I sit down next to Demi on the couch, and Demi pulls back the blanket draped over Joella's car seat.

The old woman puts on blue gloves and grabs something from a small drawer. "The test is really quick and really effective. The results will be in, in 2-3 weeks, unless you wish to put a rush on the test. If you wish to put a rush on it, it'll be $50 extra, plus the $250 cost for the actual test. If you put a rush on it, we'll call in with the results as soon as possible, depending on how backed up the lab is." She explains, sounding like a rehearsed record player.

"…We'll put the rush on it." I nod and say.

"Okay… so I'll swab all three of your cheeks and send the DNA back." She takes one large q-tip out of the wrapper. She swabs Demi's cheek first and puts her q-tip in a vile.

She opens up another and comes to me. I open my mouth and she swabs the inside of my cheek too. She puts my q-tip in a separate vile.

"She might cry, but I promise I am not inflicting pain on her." She kneels down and swabs Joella's cheek too.

Joella whines a little and kicks her feet, but that's it. She's such a good little baby.

"And that's it. Let's go out front and you can pay for the test and the rush."

We get up from the couch and follow the old woman back out to the front desk.

"Your total for today will be $306.34, the rush included."

I take out my wallet and hand her the money. It's expensive, but it's not that pricey. I'm fine with spending it.

"We have your phone number in the records, we will call when the test results are in. Thank you and have a nice day."

And that's it. It was quick and relatively painless.

Me and Demi walk back out to the car and leave the parking lot. That was really easy…

"I don't like that woman. She was way too rough with her." Demi shakes her head all irritably.

"I know. She was kind of rude… what was her problem?" I'm driving Demi to the studio now.

"I don't know. But she didn't have to squeeze her cheeks like that. She's a baby." Demi's really angry. She's sexy when she's angry.

"Just let it go. We won't ever see her again anyway." I park in the parking lot of the studio. "Just go in and sign the contract. I'll wait out here with the baby."

Demi gets out of the car and goes into the studio.

Demi seems really tired lately. I know she didn't sleep too well last night, and I think it's because her back was bothering her. I feel really bad. I really have to stop hurting her. I love her so much… I really just need to stop losing my temper.

If she wanted to be beaten and abused, she could've just stayed with Trace in the first place. She's with me because I'm different than he is. I can't keep hurting her. I realize that.

I look at Joella through the mirror. She's lying in her car seat, wide awake and beautiful as ever.

"Waaaaaaaaaeeeehhhhahhh…. Mmm… mmmm…" She makes a weird noise. It was a little yawn. And it was so cute.

"Are you tired, sweetface?" I turn around and hold her hand. She looks at me with her pretty eyes. "You're so pretty, baby. You look like your mama. You're gorgeous just like your mama."

She blinks her eyes sticks her tongue out. I love her so much.

"….You know, honey…" I clear my throat. I know she can't understand me, but it's still important for me to tell her this. "….I don't care if you're not really mine. You'll always be mine, anyway. I love you… and I'll always be your daddy… no matter what. I promise the DNA test doesn't mean anything to me. I still love you… you love me?" I put my finger inside her tiny little hand. "You love your daddy? Hmm?"

She cracks a little smile at me and it's beautiful. "Hmm… Hmm." She giggles.

I smile back at her and kiss her hand. "I knew you loved daddy."

Demi opens the door to the car and hops in. "…What are you two smiling at?"

"…It's an inside joke. For daddy and Joella. Not for mommy. So butt out."

"Whatever." She laughs.

I start driving us home.

"So what happened in there?" I ask her. I hold her hand with my free hand.

"I just signed the contract. They want me to write something… and I'm going to open you guys' tour with one of the new songs I write. They're thinking to debut my new music, I can perform it as your opener."

"That's great, babe. That's really great." I kiss her hand.

"So now I have to write a song… and I'm not sure what to write about." She sighs.

"I'm sure you'll pull it off. Your voice is amazing…"

"Thanks…"

"..So amazing that Joella said that she wants mommy and daddy to sing to her later. She said she's pissed that both mommy and daddy are singers and neither one has sung to her yet."

Demi laughs. "Yeah… well I used to sing to her all the time when she was in my stomach. Every time I got in the shower."

"Joella said that that doesn't even count."

Demi laughs again.

And suddenly, her phone starts ringing that loud, obnoxious ring.

"…Is it the lab, already?" I ask her.

"…Yeah. It is…" Her tone goes instantly to nervous.

I pull into the driveway of my house as she answers it. She puts the phone on speaker.

"Hello?" She answers it.

"Hello… this is Burbank DNA Lab, calling in concerns to Joella Jonas…"

"Yes.."

"Can I speak with Miss Lovato or Mr. Jonas?"

"Speaking…"

"Okay. We got the results of the DNA test already, and the test says that it is 99.9% positive that Mr. Jonas is Joella's father."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." Demi's smiling my most favorite smile.

It feels good…

But I realize that I already knew Joella was mine.

Maybe Demi can finally put Trace to rest.


	44. Moving Forward

**Demi's Point of View.**

I always knew that Joella was Joe's. I just really needed to be sure. Well, now that I'm sure, I guess I can rest. I don't feel like the thing inside of me is nagging anymore.

You know what else is weird? I haven't been craving the Thing much anymore. I craved it yesterday, right after Joe hurt my back.

I don't want to admit it, but he really did hurt me. I'm still in a lot of pain. I'm almost certain that something is really wrong with my back, but I don't want to go to the doctor's, because if I do, they'll know that I didn't get these nasty bruises from having sex… won't they?

I still haven't told Joe that I want to go home. Is it bad that I'm afraid to tell him? I think if I told him, he'd be angry. And I really hate when Joe gets angry anymore. But I think he'd be even more pissed off if just left.

"Demi… wake up. Wake up, babe…" He leans over my body and kisses my cheek. I wish he'd leave me alone, honestly. I was sleeping well for the first time in months.

"…What do you want?" I yawn, still tired. I look over at the clock. 12:30 in the afternoon.

"I made you something to eat… I want you to come downstairs and eat… come on." He grabs my arms and pulls me.

"OW… OW…" I yell a little loud. I don't mean to be so dramatic, but that really hurt.

"I'm sorry… I'm sorry babe. I'm sorry." Joe stops touching me right away. "I'm so sorry… please don't be mad…"

"No… you just… pulled a little too fast. It's okay…" I calm him down. I really don't want him to beat himself up. That was an instance where he really didn't mean to hurt me.

"No… I shouldn't have pulled in the first place. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine… it just hurt my back a little."

He sits down on the edge of the bed and puts his face in his hands. "I'm such an idiot…"

I slowly sit up too. I put my hand on his back and rub it in circles. I guess now would be an okay time.

"Babe… I'm going home today…" I whisper to him really softly. I don't want to hurt him.

"…What?" He's clearly crying.

"I just… think it's time for me to take Joella and go home…" I keep my soft tone.

"Demi, NO. You can't leave… you can't leave. I want you here. I want you here, with me. Please don't leave me, Demi." He lifts up from his hands and his face is so red that it's scary and the tears are endless.

"I'm not leaving you, Joe. I'm just going home… I'll still come over. I just… don't wanna live here…"I get up from the bed and walk towards my drawers.

"You can't leave though. Please don't leave…" He gets up from his bed and hugs me abruptly, pushing me into the wall again, but a lot more passionately this time.

"Joe… stop."

"Demi, I love you. I love you so much…" He grabs my legs and lifts me up.

Naturally, I wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me there on the wall. My back is throbbing. "I love you too, Joe. But… I.."

"Then don't leave. If you love me, then don't leave. Don't take our baby and leave. I need you here with me, Demi."

He's really starting to make my head hurt. "I just don't want to be here. I miss my own family…"

"I just want to be with you. I love you… I need you to be here with me… I won't hit you anymore, I promise."

I rub my hands along his back. "It's not about you hitting me…baby. I just think it's time for me to go home."

"But I still won't hit you… I'm sorry…. I just want you and Joella. For the rest of my life, I just want you and Joella."

"I want you too… but I have to go home… with my mom… and my dad."

"You'll be back, right?" He lifts his face up and kisses my lips.

I lean down and kiss him back. "I'll be back someday. But I have to go home…"

"I just want you to stay…"

"I want to stay too… but… I've been here long enough."

"I'm coming over…. Every day." He kisses my lips again.

I kiss him back. "Every day?"

"Every day." He moves his mouth from my lips to my neck.

I close my eyes and rub his head. "I'd like that…"

"I know a couple things you'd like…" He smiles at me.

It's probably not a good idea to have sex with the way my back is feeling right now, but sex doesn't seem like a bad idea.

"Why don't you show me those things?" I flirt back with him and kiss his lips again.

"I would… but I don't think it's a good idea." He sucks on my bottom lip as I pull away from his kiss.

"Why not?" I keep rubbing his back.

"Because… I still need to take you to see a doctor about your back." He stares into my eyes.

I look down. "I'm not going to see a doctor."

"Yes you are, Demetria. I can't have you seriously hurt…"

"If I go, I'll have to tell them how I got it. I don't want to do that. I promised you that I wouldn't tell…"

"…At least let me see it…"

"No Joe. I'm okay. I can have sex. And I'm not going to the doctor's."

"Baby girl… just let me look at it. Then I'll determine if we can have sex of not."

I sigh. "Fine."

He lets me down off the wall and turns me around. He lifts up my t-shirt and looks at m back. "Oh god… What do you mean you don't want to see a doctor? Demi look at your back!" He grabs my arm and drags me over to the mirror.

"I know what it looks like but Joe, if I go to the doctor's they're gonna know I didn't get this from sex!"

"Let them know that I did it! I don't care! Demi, you're hurt… I can't let you just sit here… I can't."

"I promised I wouldn't tell and that's what I meant."

"I should've never made you promise that. Please let me take you to the doctor's."

"I don't want to see a doctor…"

"…Okay. But you know that I am SO sorry, baby. Right?" He kisses my lips and softly rubs my back.

"I know you're sorry."

"I still think you deserve the best… I still think that. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'll really try to control my temper." He holds my hand.

"I believe you, babe."

I'm not angry with Joe for hitting me again. It's really no big deal. I don't know why, but I can tolerate Joe hitting me more than I could have tolerated Trace hitting me. I think it's because Trace was consistently abusive. Me and Joe have good times and bad times, and even through the times where he's hit me, he never fails to show me that he loves me.

"…You want me to help you move back in to your house today?" He asks me with a soft kiss to my forehead.

"Would you please?"

"You got it."

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

"Joella said she's hungry so you need to stop putting clothes away." I joke around to Demi. She's busy putting her clothes back into her drawers.

It didn't take us long to move all of Demi's things back into her house. It took us about two hours, give or take an hour due to taking care of Joella when she was pissy or cranky.

"I don't think I have anything pumped for her, otherwise I'd tell you to just feed her." Demi hangs up a pair of her jeans.

"Nope. She needs your boob." I bounce Joella in my arms and kiss her cheek.

"Ehhh ehhh…." She kicks her feet into my stomach.

"I know… you're hungry." I keep bouncing her and kissing her cheek.

Joella's quiet for a very brief moment, then all of a sudden, she starts SCREAMING. Her cry is really loud. So loud that me and Demi could pick it out ANYWHERE.

"Give her a pacifier, I'm almost done." Demi keeps hanging up her shirt.

"Babe, why don't you let me finish while you feed her?"

"Okay… give her here." Demi puts down all her hangers and replaces my seat on her bed.

She starts feeding Joella and I continue to put her clothes away.

"So when are we doing the photoshoot for People?" I ask her as I hang up a shirt.

"A month before the tour. Exactly a month. So like… October… 20th. She'll be a little less than two months old by then."

"Okay… that sounds good. And you're gonna go ahead and open for us on the tour?"

"Yeah. I'm almost finished writing this song for it."

"Can I hear it?"

"No. It's not finished."

"Well…. You have to sing to me sometime. I love your voice." I hang up another pair of her jeans.

"I will… whenever I'm ready." She smiles and holds Joella's head on her breast.

"…Isn't it crazy that it's going to be a year since we got together in… two months?"

"It's just crazy for me to think that this time last year, I was still coked out of my mind, in a relationship with Trace." She stares down at Joella and strokes her cheek as she eats.

"How is that, babe?" I finish hanging her clothes up and sit down beside her and Joella on the bed.

"How's what?" She looks at me.

"Your old habit…" I look over to where she used to keep it.

"I don't have any desire for it anymore." She shrugs.

"Really? So if I just…" I get up and go over to her old hiding place. I find an empty baggie of it. There's a tad bit of it left in there. "Brought this over to you. And told you to sniff it… you wouldn't?"

"…There's not any in there."

"There's a little bit."

She shrugs and looks back down at Joella. "I kind of want to do it… but it's not bad enough to where I'll actually do it. I don't really want any…"

I crumple the baggie in my hand and throw it in the garbage.

"I am so proud of you, baby girl. I am SO proud of you."I kiss her cheek.

She smiles. "Thanks…"

"I really am proud of you, babe. You've come so far…"

"I know…." She smiles proudly.

"What made you stop?"

"…I don't know. I think she did. Like… having her just made me realize that it wasn't worth it. And… I just… don't want it anymore."

"…Good girl, Demi." I kiss her cheek again.

I really am proud of her. She has come a long way. I remember when she was so addicted that she couldn't go more than a few hours without it. She hasn't done any in months. I'm so proud.

"…I have something to ask you, babe." I stand up.

She looks up from Joella. "What?"

"You think someday…. I'd be… lucky enough… to get you to be my wife?"

"….I don't know how lucky you are." She smiles wide at me.

"Well… I hope I'm super lucky. Because it's something I really want."

She looks back down at Joella. "Of course I will… someday. I'm not sure when… but someday. It's definitely a possibility. She'll need us to be married."

"I really hope that she's not our last. I'd like to have ten more Joellas."

"Ten? How about we make it one more."

"If it's a boy, you have to name him Joe Jr."

"How about no." She giggles.

"Well… I don't think we'll have another until you're about… 25. So maybe you'll change your mind by then." I laugh.

"…I probably won't." She shakes her head.

I lean in and kiss her on her lips. "I love you, Demi."

"I love you too, Joe."

"And I love you too, princess." I lean down to Demi's boob and kiss Joella's cheek.

"Eh!" Joella moans angrily and swats at me with her fist.

"Hey!" I say to her.

"Don't be messin with her food then!" Demi scolds me. "You're messin with her food. That's rights to get beat up!"

I laugh a little. "She's fat, just like her daddy."

I just watch Joella as she sucks on Demi. She's such a cute little baby.

My family really is important to me.


	45. Stupid

**Demi's Point of View.**

It's been two weeks since I've been back home and surprisingly, it's working out okay. I take Joella over to Joe's house every day so that his family can see her, I eat dinner over there, I come back home. Sometimes, Joe stays the night.

I think it's great how everything seems to be falling into place. Joella's growing perfectly, and when we took her for her checkup appointment, Nancy said everything is going well with her development. Joe hasn't hit me (knock on wood) in two weeks either. I think we're going to get married eventually, but he agreed that we didn't have to until we were both more financially stable and ready. I wouldn't mind marrying Joe.

I need to start working on my music, though. I was told to write a song that I'd like to debut on tour with Joe and his brothers. I really haven't found anything to write about, though. If I write about love, that's so overdone. I want to write about something more than love. But I don't have any ideas, and I have another month and a half before we go on tour, so I guess I have time.

"Demi… we're about to leave, so it's time for you to go too." My dad says, knocking on my bedroom door and pushing it open.

"I know… just hold on. I'm not done feeding Joella."

Today's the first time I'm leaving Joella. She's almost two months old now, and I haven't left her with anyone before. She's usually always with me whenever I leave. But I can't take her with me today. I mean, I could… but I wouldn't dare.

"Mommy's gotta go… so the food's gotta go too, pumpkin." I pull my breast out of her mouth and she whines a little. "I know… I'm sorry. But you're all done."

I wipe my nipple off with the back of my hand and pull my shirt back down. I take nursing very seriously, which is strange to me. I always thought that nursing was gross. But now that I have my own little baby, I think it's amazing. It definitely allows me and Joella to bond.

I put Joella on my shoulder. She lifts her head up and moans in my ear. "Ehhh ehh…"

"No, honey. Head down…" I put my hand on her head and softly push it so that she's laying down on my shoulder. I pat her back a little hard to burp her.

She turns her head so that she's facing my ear. I look over at her. Both our eyes meet. Her eyes are so pretty. The brown and the grey really complement each other. "Hi, pumpkin. You gonna be good for Aunt Dallas?"

"Hehhhh…" She closes her eyes.

I stop burping her and put her in my arms. "I'll see you later pumpkin. I promise I'll be right back." I get up from my bed and walk downstairs to the living room where Dallas and Madison are sitting. My mom and dad went out for their anniversary, I think.

"Take care of my baby, Dallas." I hand Joella to Dallas.

"You know I will." She lifts Joella in the air. "Hey Lala… Hey… whatcha doin pretty girl?"

Joella giggles at her funny tone.

"I'll be back in like… an hour. I'm just gonna go… and come back."

"Mmmkay, Dems. We'll just be sittin here chillin. Watchin' The Hangover."

"Thanks for watching her, Dalls." I slide on a pair of black dress shoes and look at myself in the mirror that's in my hallway.

I'm wearing a plain black mini pencil skirt and a black lace pullover shirt. My hair is in big bouncy curls and I have a pair of black heels on. I think I look decent and sophisticated.

"I'll be back…" I grab my car keys and head out the door.

It doesn't take long to get to the funeral home. It's right up the street, in fact.

If I'm being honest, I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know if I should go or if I shouldn't. But I feel like it'd be really rude if I didn't go. I was invited…

And I'm not going to the funeral tomorrow. I'm only going to the viewing today, so I have to pay my respects somehow. They invited me for a reason...

I pull into the parking lot of the funeral home. It's really crowded here already. Standing outside, there's a short, elderly blonde woman handing out programs.

I get out of my car and walk to the entrance. She hands me a program and I take it gingerly. I really don't feel like I should be here. I feel like I'm the reason he's not alive, and they should hate me for that…shouldn't they? But I guess they wouldn't know that… unless he told them about the phone call.

I walk into the main part of the building. There are people dressed in plenty of dark colors, all crowded in one section. It's just the viewing, so I'm guessing that's why the seating isn't set up yet.

In the midst of the crowd is his family. I feel horrible for them. I don't want to stay long. I actually want to leave right now. What if he actually did tell them about the phone call and I'm really not welcome here?

I don't have anyone to talk to or whatever, so I'm basically just standing in a corner. I flip through the program book to pass some time.

There's a prayer in there. The date of his birthday and the date of his death. Something about how sad it is when god calls a young one home. How the act of taking one's own life is an act of desperation. An excerpt from the bible. A sad little letter from his mom. It takes a lot out of me to not cry.

"Demi…" Someone with a tearful voice calls my name from behind me.

I spin around to see who it is. It's his mom and she's crying buckets.

"Hi…. Mrs. Cyrus… I'm really sorry about… your loss." I try to sound as sincere as possible without actually crying.

"Honey, don't be sorry… I want to thank you so much… for being with him. He'd always talk to me and Miley about you; especially in his last week. He really… really loved you."

He did? Does she not know about the time he tried to kill me? Or the time he raped me? "I'm… I'm glad that he loved me…" I don't know what else to say.

"I was really hoping you'd be here. Because he left this for you… he told Miley specifically to give it to you. She isn't here today… so here. From me…" She hands me a big yellow envelope.

"…Thanks. But… what is it?"

"I haven't looked inside."

I take the envelope from her. "Thank you, Miss Tish. And I'm really… sorry again."

"Again, don't be sorry hon." She wipes her own tears away. "I know he wasn't… right for a while. I know that. And I know that he wasn't always kind towards you. But he really loved you. And I thank you for showing him love before he left us."

"You're welcome." I say again. If I'm being honest, I'm getting kind of irritated. Does she NOT know about the time her son raped me? Does she not know about the time her son tried to KILL me for leaving him? Doesn't she know that he got me addicted to drugs? But he really loved me, right? I have to leave… before I get really… REALLY pissed off.

She turns her back and walks off to another part of the building to be with some more family. I think it's time for me to go home.

I turn and head out the door.

But before I can leave out the door, someone catches my arm. And they squeeze me. HARD.

I turn around immediately. "Get off of m…" He doesn't look happy. He looks like he could really take a gun and kill me right now. It's been a really long time since I've seen him, but I used to be around him so much that I know whenever he's angry.

"I always knew you would be the one that killed him." He squeezes my arm TIGHT.

"Ryan, get off me. I didn't do shit…" Why am I suddenly sticking up for myself? When did I grow balls?

"I know about the phone call, you bitch. Don't you say you didn't kill him." He grabs my other arm and squeezes it too. "Look at him… look. How can you look at him lying in that casket and not feel guilty about what you did?"

I look up towards the front. His body is lying lifelessly in the casket. He still has his usual tattoos on his face, but he's dressed nicely, for the first time in YEARS. "I didn't kill him. I only told him no. I'm allowed to say no." I'm pulling away from him hard. "Let me fucking go."

"You killed my best friend, and you think I'm just gonna let you go?"

"Kiss my ass, Ryan."

"I'd love to. You know I've been trying for three years."

"Fucking pervert." I push him against his chest. "Look. I didn't kill Trace. I just told him no. Now get off me before I fucking kick the shit out of you."

"Just don't forget… I know how to find you." He lets my arms go.

"Come fucking find me then." I spit at him and leave the funeral home. I didn't fucking kill Trace. I'm not a murderer.

I get into my car and put the envelope on the seat. I drive off towards Joe's house, not my house. Joe should be home from work already. And if he's not, I'll wait for him.

I pull into the Jonas's driveway and see that Joe's car isn't there. I grab my phone and text him.

Me: Where are you?

Him: I'm at work babe. Why?

Me: Just hurry home…

Him: Why? Did the viewing go ok?

Me: It was fine I just miss you. I'll tell you about it when you get home. Just hurry.

Him: Okay babe I love you.

Me: Love you too.

I put my phone down. I'm not even upset. I'm just so fucking irritated, it's unreal. I did not kill Trace. I have a right to say no. I'M ALLOWED TO SAY NO.

I reach over and pick up the yellow envelope. It has "Demi" scribbled on it in Trace's handwriting. I tear open the top and dump the contents on the seat. Out spills a folded up letter, another folded up letter, a folded up piece of tissue paper and a CD.

I pick up one of the notes first. I read it.

_Dear, Demi._

_If you're reading this, you know that I actually did it. I really hope you're not beating yourself up over it, either. I just wrote this to tell you that I'm sorry._

_I realize that everything that happened between us is actually my fault. It's my fault that I lost you, and I regretted it every day until my last day. I just realized that I don't want to live my life without you in it. I'm sorry to put so much pressure on you, but it's the truth. You were my only reason for living. And I'm glad you found someone to make you happy, because you deserve to be happy._

_I also really hope that you're off the drugs. You don't deserve a life like that, and I'm sorry for ever introducing you to them. Being on drugs made me do things that I really regret, like raping you… beating you… treating you how I treated you. Demi, I needed you. You didn't need me._

_I'm glad you found somebody for you. I know that Joe treats you well and you deserve that. And congratulations on the baby, she is absolutely beautiful. I know in my heart that she isn't mine, I was just hoping for a way for you to take me back. I don't blame you for not giving me a second chance. I don't deserve one._

_I don't want you to beat yourself up over this whole thing, because you're beautiful. You don't need that. Nothing is your fault, Demi. I love you, so very much. And when you love somebody, you let them go and do what's best for them. I'm not what's best for you. _

_I've messed up my life so badly, Demi. And that's ultimately why I'm choosing to end my life. I didn't choose this because you rejected me, babe. I chose this because I can't fix my life anymore. I just want you to know that I love you dearly. And I lost you. And when I lost you, **I lost the only thing that ever made me feel alive.**_

_Take care of yourself, babe. And live your life to the fullest, because I don't want you to end up like me._

_Love always and forever,_

_Trace._

I'm crying. It's not a sad kind of crying, though. It's an…. I'm at peace kind of crying. I'm upset that Trace felt like that was his only outlet, but him telling me that I'm not to blame for his death really helped me. God, Trace was so stupid. I can't believe it took him that long to realize he had something good. I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not at all saddened by the fact that he realized all this. I'm glad he realized how dumb he was. I was so… innocent before I met him.

I wipe off my face and grab the other note that was in the envelope. I unfold it and read it.

I think it's a song, because of how it's written. I read it.

_So, take one word you said_

_You put it in your bed_

_You rest your tiny head on your pillow__  
__You wonder where you're going next_

_You got your head pushed to my chest_

_And now you're hoping that someone lets you in__  
__Well I sure'll let you in_

_You know that you're in_

_Oh Demi__  
__So don't let anyone scare you_

_You know that I'll protect you always, Now, through the thick and thin, until the end__  
__You better watch it_

_You know you don't cross it because I'm always here for you and I'll be here for you__  
__I know, I know, I knowI know how it feels, believe me, I've been there And I know, I know, I knowI know what it feels like, tell me, Demi__  
__And I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, oh Demi_

_And I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, whoa, oh Demi__  
__No, it's going to get harder And it's going to burn brighter And it's going to feel tougher each and every day__  
__So let me say that I love you, You're all that I've ever wanted, All that I've ever dreamed of to come__  
__And yes, you did come_

_I want you so bad, can you feel it too? _

_You know I'm so, I'm so in love you__  
__I want you so much, I need you so much, I need you, I need you, your touch__  
__And I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, oh Demi_

_I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, whoa, oh Demi__  
__And I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, whoa, oh Demi _

_And I'll swim the ocean for you_

_The ocean for you, whoa, oh Demi_

I shake my head and sigh. That was really… tough to read. I fold up both notes and stick them back into the envelope. How can I not feel like crap after reading that song?

I grab the folded up piece of tissue paper next. I unfold it twice and it's a ring. A beautiful ring. It's beautiful sliver with a diamond inside it. It's beautiful. I read what he wrote on the tissue paper.

_Sorry I waited so long to ask you to marry me._

I shake my head at that too. I really can't stop sobbing right now. I still don't feel bad, but I feel so… guilty. I feel horrible. But he treated me so bad….

Lastly, I pick up the CD and I pop it into the CD player in my car. The beat comes on and the song he wrote for me starts playing. He wasn't the best singer, but it was still sweet. I won't tell Joe about this….

I'll be over it by tomorrow. I just feel bad that it took him so long to realize how dumb he was. It's not my fault, though. I moved on… and that's just how it's gonna be. I can't stay hung up on Trace forever. I just won't allow myself to. I feel bad that he realized it, but if he wasn't so stupid it wouldn't have taken so long. It's oh well now.

I have other things to worry about. I have a baby now. And I have Joe. I found love. And I'm happy with my life right now. I'm content. And I'm sorry, but Trace's death can't take that away from me.

I need to distract myself.

What am I doing tomorrow?

Well, I have the People magazine photoshoot tomorrow. I gotta be up bright and early for that. I gotta make sure Joella looks cute for it.

Then after the photoshoot, I have to go in for tour rehearsal. Fuck, I still don't have my song.

But I just got the perfect idea to write my song about.

(A/N: If you want to know the song Trace "wrote" for Demi, it's called Kelsey by Metro Station. I just took Kelsey and changed it to Demi's name.)


	46. Flash

**Demi's Point of View.**

I do not appreciate being awake at 6:30 in the morning today. It's a Saturday morning. I should be sleeping in. But no, I have to be up at the crack of dawn because People is coming to Joe's house at 10:30 to start the shoot.

I get up out of bed without a sound. Everyone in my house is still probably asleep, so I don't want to wake anyone. I'm really tired, and I know exactly what would wake me up. Some Thing would wake me up, but I don't have any, and I'm not entirely sure if one slip up would be worth it. So I'll have to settle for a shower to wake me up.

I go to my bathroom and start my shower water. I make sure it's hot enough for me and I strip out of my clothes.

Just as I'm about to step into the water, I hear these tiny little "ehhh…. ehhs" coming from down the hall. The only thing I miss about living with Joe is that he used to help me out with baby duty.

I grab my robe off the back of the bathroom door and put it on. I walk down the hall to the nursery. When I open the door, she's crying really, really loud.

"AAAAAHH! EHHH HEHHH EHHH…. EHHH…. EHHH… MMMM….MMMM….MMMM…. EHHH! EH HEHEH!"

"Shhh… Shhh… I'm here…" I walk over to her crib and pick her up. "Hush it up… hush it up." I kiss her cheek and she stops crying so loudly.

"ehhh heh…" She kicks me in my chest.

"You wanna come get a bath with mommy? You can't be stinky for your big photoshoot today baby." I lie her down on the changing table and take her nightclothes off. I take her diaper off too. She was a little wet, but she didn't poop. "Come on.. let's go take a bath." I hold her tight against my chest and walk back to my bathroom.

"Demetria, your baby was crying."My mom calls to me from her room. She must not know that I have her now.

"I know, I have her." I call back.

The first thing my parents said when they moved back in here was that they don't want to hear the baby crying at all hours of the night, while they're asleep. My mom said that she'd help me out with feeding her and taking care of her, but if she's asleep and Joella starts crying, she's my responsibility. My dad completely agrees. So every time Joella starts screaming, I have to grab her, because she's my responsibility. My parents have gotten a lot more strict since I've moved back in. I guess I don't mind, because I enjoy being back home with my parents. Still, I'd like a little more freedom. Over at Joe's, Denise and Paul helped out with EVERYTHING. My parents are a lot more hands off.

I take Joella into my bedroom and lay her in her bouncer. I bring her bouncer into the bathroom with me and I get into the shower. Joella coos in her bouncer and chews on her towel. She's so cute.

I wash myself in the shower, periodically looking out at her to make sure she's okay. I wash my hair last. I look out at her again. She's still sitting in her bouncer, chewing on her fists now. "wehh wehhh…"

"You okay down there, Lala?" I wash my conditioner out and shut the water off. I step out and wrap myself in my towel. "Told you mama would be right out. Come on… time for you to get a bath." I pick her up.

"Heh heh heh." She smiles at me and looks away. I put her mini tub into the big tub and start giving her a bath. "We'll get to see dada…. You wanna go see dada?"

"Mmmmgah."

"You are so cute. Me and daddy did so good with you." I lean down and kiss her head. I put her back down in her mini tub for a minute.

I put my robe back on and reach down and pick Joella up. I wrap her towel around her. "Let's go get some breakfast before we get dressed." I walk downstairs to the kitchen and grab some cereal for myself. Joella lays her head on my shoulder as I fix myself some food. When I have my cereal all made, I sit down in a chair and hold Joella on my lap. I give her my breast, and she eats her breakfast while I eat my own.

Being a mom is all about multitasking. I eat, Joella eats, we're both happy.

When I finish my cereal, Joella still isn't done eating. So I grab my phone and call Joe while she finishes up.

"Good morning, babe. What's up?" His morning voice is so sexy.

"Morning… and nothing. Just wondering what you're doing."

"I just woke up… I'm about to get ready. What's Joella doing?"

"She's eating right now…about to get dressed and come over there…"

"Give her a kiss for me."

"I will."

"And hurry over. I miss you, babe."

"Miss you too. See you a little later."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

We hang up and I stand up. Joella's finished eating. "Let's go put some clothes on you so we can go see daddy."

I take her back upstairs to my room first. I put on a pair of underwear and a bra first. I slide on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. I pack a few of my nicest clothes in a duffel bag and focus on Joella. I put her in a fresh diaper and a plain white onesie.

I go to my parents' room. "Mom… Dad… I'm leaving. I'll be back around… three or something."

"Okay Demi… have fun." My mom yawns.

I turn and leave. I put Joella in her car seat and we drive over to Joe's house.

**Joe's Point of View.**

"What colors are we wearing first, babe?" I ask Demi. She's sitting on the edge of my bed in her bra and underwear, getting ready to get dressed. Joella is resting on my pillow.

"I packed Joella a white and pink flower outfit, a pink dress, and a yellow outfit. So I think we should wear yellow first."

"Okay…" I go into my closet and grab a yellow polo shirt and a pair of dark jeans.

Demi puts on a matching yellow polo shirt and a pair of dark capris. She looks sexy… even in something so simple as a t-shirt and jeans. "What time are they coming?"

"They're already setting up downstairs. The photographers are here. The interviewer won't be here for another hour."

"So we've got an hour to waste…" Demi smiles and walks over to me.

I put my hands on her hips. "Or an hour to enjoy each other." I smile and kiss her on her lips.

"I like that idea." She kisses me back.

I open my mouth slightly and she opens her mouth up too. We both smash our faces deep into each other. Her breath tastes like mint, like she just brushed her teeth.

She brings her hand up and rubs my lower back. I bring my hands down to the curve of her back and rest my hands just before where her ass starts.

"Mmmm, babe, wait." I pull away from her.

"..What?" She pulls back too and looks up at me.

"How's your back?" I play with her hair.

"It's better."

"Does it hurt anymore?"

"…Yes."

"Then no sex." I take my hands off her lower back and rest them on her hips.

"Joe… you're making me mad with this." She pouts.

"I don't care Demi. I'm not putting you on your back until it's better."

"There's other ways to have sex…"

"I'm not touching you, Demi. I can't hurt you anymore."

"Fine…" She stomps her foot. Damn, she's so sexy when she's angry.

I lean down and kiss her again. "I'm sorry… but I don't wanna hurt you anymore."

"Joe… come on. I'm telling you that I'm okay."

"But your back isn't." I rub my hands hard along her hips.

"There are other ways!"

"What other ways, Demi?" She's seriously angry with me, but I can't stop smiling. She's so sexy when she's mad at me.

"I don't know… Joe you're smart. Figure it out."

I laugh a little. "Okay… Okay. Just lemme go put the baby in her own room." I pick Joella up and kiss her. She's asleep peacefully and she whines a little when I disturb her.

I take her in her own room and lay her down in her crib. "Take a little nap, princess. I'll be back to get you a little later." I kiss her hand and leave her to sleep in her crib.

I go back in my room to Demi, and she's already halfway naked.

"Woah, babe…" I smile and shut my door.

"I didn't want to waste time with undressing. Let's just hurry up…" She unstraps her bra.

"Demi, chill out. We have time, babe. Don't rush it." I walk over to her and hold her almost naked body in my arms.

"…Do you know how long it's been since we've had actual sex? It's been FOREVER."

"We'll have sex… let's do it right, though." I reach down and touch her bare breasts. They're really big and I LOVE them. In fact, I lean down and put my mouth on one of them.

She closes her eyes and grips the hair on my head. "Don't…" She says "don't" like she doesn't actually mean it.

I plant soft kisses all along them and slide my tongue all along them too. "Why not?"

"Be…cause. I'm still… nursing." I can tell that she actually likes it.

"That's okay… I won't suck too hard." I reassure her and keep working her with my mouth. She starts breathing unevenly.

She reaches down and unbuttons my jeans. I wiggle and they fall to the floor. Demi pulls down my boxers too. I'm hard as fuck.

"Are we gonna go to the bed?" She asks me, pulling my shirt over my head.

"No… I told you I'm not putting you on your back." I pull off her underwear and feel that the lining is wet. She must be soaked.

"Be real here, Joe. How are we gonna…"

"I have an idea." I reach down and lift her up. She wraps her legs around my waist.

I burrow my face in her neck and pull her down against my waist, just enough that I go inside. I'm not sure how this is gonna work. I've never actually had sex standing up, so this is a first.

"Oh god…" She whispers in my ear.

I wrap my strong arms around her lower back and secure her on my wood. She wraps her arms around my neck. "You good?" I ask her.

"I'm good." She nods.

"Mmmkay." I keep her down low and start pumping myself in and out of her. It's actually really easy to have sex standing up. And I'm keeping her off her back, too.

"Joe…Joe…Joe…" Demi calls my name as she digs her fingernails in my back. She's moaning so much.

I watch her face. She's tomato red in the face and sweating. She's so wet that I can feel her wetness on my stomach.

Softly, I reach up and rub her back softly as she keeps bouncing fast on and off my shaft.

It's a little uncomfortable to do it standing up, but I really don't want to put her on her back.

I don't wanna hurt her again.

**Demi's Point of View.**

I'm satisfied. I thought having sex without being on my back would suck, but it was actually okay. The standing up part was my favorite, but it got REALLY good when he switched over to doggy-style.

Come to think of it, having sex was probably a bad idea. I'm extremely tired now, and we still have to do a whole photoshoot and an interview.

Luckily, it won't take too long.

It's going to be a good shoot, because Joella's in a good mood. After she wakes up from her naps, she's either really pleasant or really cranky. Today is her pleasant day.

Joe and I are wearing matching yellow polo shirts and dark jeans. The yellow outfit turned out to have a stain on it, so I put Joella in a white outfit with a flower on the front. The outfit came with a cute little sunhat, but every time I tried to put it on her, she fussed.

"First, we're gonna go ahead and do the interview portion of the shoot. Then we'll do all the photos. And in the meantime, let's try to keep baby in a happy mood." One of the photographers says to me and Joe. He must be gay, because he's wearing bright purple eyeshadow and his hair is very slick. I think he's funny looking.

"I'm Sharon Freeman, the Chief Editor of People Magazine and I'll be doing the interview today. I just have a couple questions that I'd like for both of you to answer for the magazine." A blonde woman shakes both me and Joe's hands.

"Sure…" Joe says.

Joe sits beside me on the couch in his living room, and I hold Joella on my lap. She's cooing and making noises, but at least she's not crying.

"Let's start with Demi…" Sharon pushes play on a tape recorder.

"Yes?" I clear my throat.

"How was childbirth for you? What kind of experience was that for you?"

"Um… child birth was… wild. It definitely didn't hurt as much as I'd expected it to. And when I got to the hospital, I refused to have drugs. I did it all natural and it wasn't as painful as the movies make it seem. But it definitely was life changing. I'm not going to say that it didn't hurt, because it hurt like hell. But… seeing her after she was out… it made it all worth it." I answer truthfully.

"And how are you adjusting to motherhood?"

"I think I'm adjusting great. It's amazing to me to have someone that needs me so much. It's been a big adjustment to get used to having a baby to take care of, but I really love it."

"…Moving on to Joe. How are you handling having a baby? Is it hard for you?" Sharon turns the recorder to Joe.

"No, it's not hard for me. I think it's easy, because I do love Demi so much and I love Joella too. And I think when you love someone that much, it's easy to change for them. It's been a learning experience for me." Joe holds my hand.

"How do you both deal with the negativity? Obviously, there are some people that frown upon the situation. Demi, I know that you even lost your job. How have you stayed so positive about your baby?" Sharon turns back to me.

"At first, I avoided all my social networking sites to avoid seeing the negativity, but after I finally came to terms with having her, I decided that it didn't matter. People are going to talk no matter what, but it's my life and I'm not ashamed of Joella. It was a mistake. And I think that losing my job was supposed to show me that I dishonored being a rolemodel for Disney, but I think that I'm more relatable because of this. Teenage pregnancy happens every day and it's so taboo because people think they have to be ashamed. I'm not ashamed of Joella." I open up a whole lot.

"Very good. Now, Joe. I know that you didn't lose your job. Did you feel any… sorrow for Demi?"

"Of course. I felt bad, because we both made the mistake. She didn't get herself pregnant. But I went and got her job back for her." He strokes my knuckle and I smile. Joella coos and chews on my shirt.

"Moving on to your baby. I read online that she had a few complications. Can you explain?"

I start, "Joella had a few… developmental issues because she was born early. She is absolutely fine now. She's perfect. She just needed feeding assistance and help to control her temperature. And her immune system was weak. All the problems that come with a preemie."

"One thing I'm sure we're all wondering about was the extra. Did she really have an extra thumb or is that just a rumor?"

Joe speaks up. "Yes. Joella did have an extra thumb. We had it removed a few days before we took her home from the hospital. It's a condition known as polydactyly and it's common in babies. We removed it to prevent her from having future problems."

"What kind of baby is Joella?"

I pick Joella up from my lap and hold her upright. She coos and makes cute little noises. "Joella is an excellent baby. She's beautiful and she's very… very delightful. She doesn't cry much, she has a smile that lights up the room, she is just… the light of our lives. She's very peaceful." I kiss her cheek.

"Are you an advocate for nursing?"

"Strongly. I used to think nursing your baby was gross, but I nurse her and I think it's beautiful. It really allows us to bond with each other and it makes me feel good that I'm doing something right for her." I kiss Joella's cheek again.

"And lastly, Joe. …Did you inspire her name?"

Joe laughs a little bit. "Yeah. She's named after her daddy. Her name is Joella Sophia Jonas. We call her Joey or Lala for short."

Sharon pushes the stop button on the recorder. "Perfect interview, guys. Now… go see Hector. He'll do a few pictures to accompany the interview of the spread. Don't worry about anything. I'm going to add some descriptions to beef up the interview, but you guys did perfect."

I hold Joella in my arms and follow Joe to Hector, the purple eyeshadow faggot.

"Okay, first we'd like to get a few shots of just you two. No baby just yet."

"Oh… okay." I put Joella in her chair. She blows spit bubbles.

"Come over here… in front of the glass door. I want to get the pool in the background."

Me and Joe walk over to the door.

"Now do your cutest pose. I'll adjust you if you need it."

"Okay, babe. Come on." Joe instructs me. He turns me sideways and turns himself sideways too. He holds me around my waist and lifts my head up like he's going to kiss me. I do love this pose.

Hector speaks, "Head up a little bit, Demi. Perfect…"

I move my head a tad.

"Don't move!" Hector takes his camera and a million flashes go off. "Perfect. Perfect, Demi and Joe. Now let's snag some pictures of Joella. Do you have two outfits for her?"

"Yeah, we do." I grab Joella's other frilly pink dress and her bow. And I grab the hat she wouldn't let me put on.

"Perfect. I'd like to get some shots of her outside. Can you bring her and her outfits outside?"

Joe leans down and grabs Joella. We both follow Hector outside, near the pool.

"Lay her on this pillow… and just try to make her smile."

Joe lays her down on a pillow in the grass, and we stand behind Hector.

"Lala… Lala… look at mommy. Look… look over here pumpkin." I coo to her.

Joella doesn't smile or laugh, she just spits spit bubbles at us.

"She's a natural beauty. She really is. But can I get a shot without her shirt? The white is clashing with the white pillow and I think shirtless would be better. And maybe a hat? Or something to draw attention to her face and not her hair?"

Joe takes Joella's outfit off and let's her lie on the pillow in only her diaper.

I put the hat on her. The hat is pink with purple, orange and yellow flowers on it.

To my surprise, Joella doesn't whine about the hat. She's fine with it.

"…Perfect. Now draw her attention to the camera again."

I stand behind Hector again and call her name. "Lala… Lala…"

Joella sticks her tongue out and blows more spit bubbles.

"I wish she'd smile…" I mumble to Joe.

"I know…"

"Don't worry about it guys. I'm getting some really precious shots. The tongue is cute."

Aside from not smiling, Joella's doing really good with the photoshoot today.

But I'm already exhausted.

We take hundreds of pictures. We got the cover shot, just Joella, Me and Joe, Me and Joella, Joe and Joella, all three of us… it's endless.

But the pictures we got of Joella are really, really cute.

I hate to admit it, but the photoshoot was kind of fun.

I can cross it off my list now.

Next up is the tour.

If only I'd finish this goddamn song.


	47. Stupid Boy

**Demi's Point of View.**

I had a mental list in my head this entire time I've been talking to you.

Well, maybe not the entire time, but the majority of it.

Like... right after I had Joella, and things were starting to look up, I made a list. And I told myself if I could get through everything on my list, then maybe my life wouldn't be so horrible. I made a promise to myself that getting through everything on my list would mean to stop worrying so much.

I won't tell you everything that was on my list, because that would defeat the whole purpose…wouldn't it?

But I will tell you this. The last two things on my list were the People photoshoot, and the tour.

The photoshoot is crossed off. And the tour has approached quickly.

So I'm not going to add to my list. I'm going to keep the tour as the last thing I have to do.

You know, I really thought that being on tour with a baby would be a pain in my ass, but it's really not. I'm just really glad that she's here with us.

We still haven't figured out what to do with her, though. Our first show is in three hours and we have no idea what to do with her while we're on stage. I'll probably just leave her with Denise and grab her whenever I'm done performing. I'm not going to be on stage the entire time.

"So, babe… you have your song finished, right?" Joe walks into the bedroom area of the bus and plops down on the bed next to me and Joella.

"Yes I have the song finished, Joe." He's been asking me about the song for the last two weeks. He's starting to annoy me. "Tell daddy to leave me alone, Lala."

"If it's done, why can't I hear it babe?" He takes Joella from my arms and kisses her cheek.

"Because you can wait a couple hours to hear it." I smooth Joella's fluffy hair down.

"Just a little preview? Please babe?" He pats Joella's butt.

"I said no, Joe. You can wait." I make my tone firmer and he finally shuts up.

I'm not saying anything about my song. Everyone has to wait until the actual show to hear it.

But I will say this…

I am very proud of it. I put my feelings into the song, and I plan to really pour my heart into singing it. The song means something to me. It's mine. My story.

"When's the last time you were actually on stage, babe?" Joe asks me, breaking my thoughts.

"Huh?" I pull myself out of my head enough to respond to him.

"I said, when's the last time you were on stage?"

"It's been a while. I think the last time was…. Two years ago?"

"Really? Did you miss it?" He lies Joella down on the bed and holds her feet. She coos and blows spit bubbles.

"Of course." I reach down and stroke her hair. She looks at me. "What are you lookin at bubbies? Hmm? You lookin at me?"

"heh…heh…" She smiles a little bit.

"Awww… mommy got a smile outta you. So pretty, Lala." I lean down and kiss her nose.

"It's not a smile. It's just gas." Joe says playfully.

"She did fart on me this morning, so it might be gas. But I think it's a smile." I pick her up in my arms and kiss her cheeks.

"…Demi?"

"What Joe?"

"I love you. I love you so much." He leans in and pushes his lips against mine.

"…I love you too." I say as he pulls his lips from mine after we kiss.

He brings his hand up and strokes my cheek. "I know you love me. And I'm very lucky that you do. Because you're an amazing woman." He looks directly in my eyes, so I know that he really means what he's saying.

"You're an amazing man…" I whisper. I rub Joella's butt to keep her quiet.

"And I want you to know that I'm really proud of you. When I look back at the last year of us… I can't help but be so proud to call you mine. I love you, baby girl. I loved you since day one. New York was a blessing… It really was. Because now I have you. And now I have my gorgeous daughter." He wraps his arms around me.

I swear, he has tears in his eyes. And so do I. Joe isn't always this mushy. He likes to keep his manhood by staying…manly. He doesn't do this mushy stuff often.

"…Thank you." Is all I think I can say.

It might sound weird, but I feel… different. I don't feel like Demi anymore, but I feel like Demi. I feel like this life can be…great. I feel like this life doesn't have to be what I used to make it. I'm grateful for Joe. I'm very grateful for him. He showed me this life. He made my messed up life worth living. And for that, I will be forever grateful.

* * *

**Joe's Point of View.**

After two hours on the bus, we finally get to our first venue. The bus ride was honestly nothing compared to some of the rides we're going to have to take eventually. Good thing our first venue is in state. Our last venue is in state, too.

Not surprisingly, there are a lot of fans already here.

"Demi, you have the baby?" I ask her as I grab some of our bags from the bus.

"Yeah I have her." She says back.

I grab three suitcases and follow Kevin off the bus.

From the bus, we walk into the building and back down a long hallway. It smells like paint and bricks in here, but it's not a bad smell. I look back to see if Demi is following me.

She has Joella in her arms and she is following me.

We finally get to our dressing rooms.

"ONE HOUR UNTIL SHOWTIME, GUYS. DEMI, YOU'RE UP FIRST HURRY UP AND GET YOUR MAKEUP DONE. NO SOUNDCHECK TONIGHT, GUYS. I'LL BE DOING THE SOUNDCHECK. WE'RE A LITTLE BEHIND SCHEDULE SO EVERYONE MOVE." My dad yells to us.

Demi hands Joella off to my mom and goes into her dressing room to get ready.

I can't wait to hear Demi sing today. I know she's going to make me proud.

I really am so proud of Demi. She's grown a whole lot in the past year from that fragile, broken little girl she was whenever we were in New York. I can only imagine what the song sounds like. I'm so excited to hear how much she's grown as an artist too.

"Are you done with your Axe, Joe? I forgot mine on the bus…" Nick asks me.

I shrug and hand him my cologne.

I shove on a pair of jeans and grab a t-shirt. It's nice to be a guy and not worry about what to wear. We look fine in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Demi has to do the makeup and everything.

"Did dad say we can leave the room when we're done?"

"He said head out to the stage, because they started letting fans in and Demi's on in like a half hour." Kevin answers me.

I slide on my shoes and head outside. I follow Kevin down to the main stage and I already hear the chatter of fans.

Apparently, the show is sold out. Which is a good thing, because I want people to hear Demi sing her new song finally.

When we get to the main stage, me, Kevin and Joe sit behind the curtains and wait. We're not supposed to be seen yet. I guess it's bad luck for the main act to be seen before their supposed to be.

I don't mind sitting here, because I have a perfect seat. I can see everything.

And all the seats are nearly filled in. Holy cow, there's a lot of people here already.

I even see my mom sitting off to the side in the front row, holding Joella. Joella appears to be crying. I guess it's too loud for her in here.

I look around into the crowd some more.

I see a couple signs. Most of them with mine and my brothers' names on them, but there are a GOOD bit of them with Demi's name on them.

Maybe it's because I'm not selfish. Or maybe it's because I love her so much. But I'm really not at all jealous of the fact that Demi has so many signs with her name on them. I'm actually proud that she has so many people here to see her. She deserves it.

I grab my phone out of my pocket and check the time. It's 6:52. Opening act is on at 7:00.

I get up from the chair I'm sitting in and walk a little further backstage, to see if I can find Demi. I do find her.

She's off in a corner, doing vocal runs and fixing her hair. Her voice is beautiful, even when she's only doing runs.

"Hey babe… are you nervous?" I walk over to her and hold her hands.

"…I'm super nervous. Oh my goodness. Joe… I don't think I can do it." She wraps her arms around my waist and hugs me, shaking.

She looks gorgeous. Her bouncy brown and blonde hair is curled up nicely, falling to the middle of her back. She's wearing a bright pink skirt and a grey band t-shirt. She looks really… really beautiful. "Baby… you can do it. Of course you can do it. I believe in you." I lean in and kiss her cheek.

"I'm so nervous though, babe. There's so many people out there…"

"And you're gonna do fine babe. You're gonna do fine. You're amazing, babe. You're amazing." I play with the lengths of her hair.

"…I love you Joe."

"I love you too." I kiss her on her lips.

* * *

**Demi's Point of View.**

The lights turn down and I get even more nervous than what I already was. I'm about to go on. For the first time in a year and a half.

The lights in the auditorium go completely out and the stage lights come on.

"I'm going to be right back here, babe. Just go out there and kill it… like I know you can." Joe hugs me from behind and I smile.

He leaves me and takes a seat with his brothers.

I hold my microphone tightly in my hands and take a deep breath. I've rehearsed this a thousand times over.

I just have to go out there and sing. Sing like I rehearsed. Relax and sing, just like I rehearsed.

The stage spotlight comes onto the curtain, where I'm supposed to walk out. That's my cue.

I take another deep breath and walk right out on stage. When I walk out, the crowd screams and I even hear some people chanting my name. I'm still so nervous that I can throw up.

I have to pull it together, though.

I put on my face-eating smile and wave out to the audience as I walk across the stage to the stool Mr. Jonas put out for me.

I take a seat on the stool and cross my legs. I sit up straight and look out into the crowd. Every visible seat is filled, even up on the balcony. In the first few front rows, there is a big group of people that are holding a giant sign with my name on it. I think I'm going to cry.

"DEMI WE LOVE YOU!" I hear someone with a really loud mouth scream.

I tap my mic softly. It pounds, so I know it's on. "…I love you too." I say with a soft laugh. The big group of girls in the front with the sign SCREAM at that.

I'm so emotional right now.

"…How y'all doing tonight?" I ask. I'm settling in. And if I talk to them, it makes me more comfortable.

They scream some more.

"Um… well I have a couple songs to sing for y'all tonight, I hope you don't mind. It's my first show back, so I really hope y'all can bear with the fact that I might be a little bit rusty." I look over into the right section of the crowd. I see another sign that says "WELCOME BACK, DEMI." I can't help it anymore.

"Aww…" I say with a smile into the microphone and I wipe some tears that are falling from my eyes. "I'm sorry, guys." I apologize.

The crowd is still roaring and screaming my name.

I clear my throat slightly and look around. "So this first song that I'm gonna sing for y'all is something new. I want to sing you guys something fresh and new before I go back to some of my old stuff."

There are a lot more WOOOs and AHHHHHs.

"So this song… It's a little different from my usual stuff. And I really hope you guys like it… so… enjoy."

I take another deep breath and look behind myself. Joe's standing backstage with his arms crossed around his chest, smiling. I look over into the left side of the section, and I see everyone, which makes me want to cry some more.

Denise is sitting in the front row, holding my baby on her lap. Beside her is my dad, holding Madison on his lap, smiling too. Dallas is recording it with her camcorder and my mom is standing beside Denise, watching me and holding Joella's little hand. Lala is chewing her fingers and drooling. I love her so much.

The instrumental to my song comes on and I take another deep breath. "Do it for Joella…" I mumble to myself under my breath.

The instrumental is really slow and all piano. I guess the audience gets the picture that the song is a slow song, because they get so quiet that I can hear a pin drop.

I take yet another deep breath and hold my microphone by my mouth. I start…

…_."She was precious, like a floooower. _

_She grew wild…wiiiild…. But innocent._

_A perfect prayer in a desperate hour, she was everything beaaaautiful…and different."_

The chorus always makes me angry, because of the story behind the chorus. And Mr. Jonas says singing the chorus with the anger that I do makes the song as good as it is.

"_STUPID boy….. you can't fence that iiiiin…. STUPID booooy…. It's like holding back the wiiiind…._

_She laid her heart and soul right in your hands. And you stole her every dream and you CRUSHED her plans… _

_She never even knew she had a choice. And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't…. you stupid boy…"_

I hold the microphone away from my face and sniff. I'm crying, but I always do whenever I sing this song. I look up at the ceiling and focus again. I'm singing to him. I want him to feel how angry I am… even though he's dead.

"_So what made you think… you could take a life and just push it… push it arouuuuund?_

_I guess to build yourself up SO HIIIIIGH…. You had to take her… and break her dowwwwn…_

_But she laid her heart and soul right in your haaands…. And you stole her every dream, you crushed her plans…. She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens when the ONLY voice she hears is telling her she can't… YOU STUPID BOY..."_

I'm really crying so hard. Harder than I've cried in a really long time. harder than I've ever cried singing this song. It's a totally different thing. I've never sang this song this way before. And it is so silent in this auditorium. I take another deep breath before I sing again, because I have a BIG note coming up.

"_Oh… you always had to be riiiiight…. But now you've lost the only thing that ever made you __**ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEE…**_

"_Well, she laid her heart and soul right in your HANDS…. And you stole her every dream and YOU CRUSHED HER PLANS… she never even knew she HAD A CHOICE… and that's what happens when the ONLY voice she hears is telling her she can't… _

_You STUPID Boooooy… oh…. Mmmm…."_

I wipe my tears again and breathe. I'm okay… I have to finish out the song.

"_You're the same old, same old… stupid boy…."_

I sniff again and blow out a sharp breath.

"…_.It took a while for her to figure out she could run… and when she did…._

_She was long gone… LONG goneeeee…."_

I put the microphone in my lap and that's that. The song is finished. And I'm proud that I wrote it.

The crowd BOOMS into applause and claps and cheers so loud for me.

And Joe walks out onto the stage with me and hugs me. He hugs me so tight. And it feels so right.

"I'm so proud of you baby girl." He kisses me on my lips and that makes the crowd go wild again.

In Joe's arms, I look over at my family. My mom is crying, Dallas is crying, Madison is clapping and cheering for me, my dad looks so proud, Denise is bouncing Joella on her lap and Joella is clapping her little hands softly. And I get that feeling again.

Remember how I told you I couldn't explain that feeling? Well I think I know what feeling it is.

The feeling is love.

And I feel so much love for me, right now. And what's scary is the fact that I haven't felt loved the way I do right now in a really long time.

I don't know if this is the end.

In fact, I know it's not the end of my life. I know that my life is going to keep on going. I'm not adding anything else to my list, but that's okay.

I can't promise you that I'll never slip up with the Thing.

I can't promise you that I'll ever fully be okay.

But I can promise you that if I'm not okay, I will be okay soon. Everything will be fine with me, I can take care of myself.

And I can promise you that even though he's a Stupid Boy, I'm not…a Stupid Girl.

And things might be rocky right now, but they're going to be perfect soon.

I'm not fully okay just yet.

But I know everything will be fine.

….

and you're just going to have to trust me on that.

**The End.**


End file.
